Church


Im staying home tonight..Crystal is going to sleep over at Jackies..but theres not enough room in the car for me to go too. So, Im going to sit home alone and....I dont know. Probably Ill shed some tears, but who knows?!

My last day
It's 11:45 AM! Way too early. Well, as I said before, I called Theo last night, and he called me back this morning. We talked for a good while, and got things cleared up. He said he just blew things out of proportion...and that was basically it. I didn't hold anything above his head because I know all he can do is apologize, so that's it. I think we're cool now. He said he didn't throw away the bible I got him, which is good. Definately good. I also found out that Jennifer goes to my site...here. Lol No big deal, I was just shocked to find that out. And now he goes here...so people actually read what I write. I personally find it funny, that people make it a note to come to my online journal when they can to get updates on my life! Lol, cracks me up. Anyway. Im waiting on a call from Jackie or Jill or Julia. We have to do something tonight! No way am I staying home all night, too boring. Wop woop! "Where is the Love" by Black Eyed Peas is on! Good song.
So, I got to thinking this is my LAST day in the year 2003..What am I going to do? What am I going to think? Feel? Do? Most likely, if I dont do anything tonight, I'll cry a lot, and hard. It sounds stupid to say, but it's the blunt truth. I miss Tobi...and this is going to be the first year of my life without him. Thats the most depressing thought I've ever had....

Serendipity
Well, today was any old boring day. I didn't go anywhere. I was supposed to meet Emanuel at the movies, but he never called me back, so that didn't exactly work out. Oh boy, last night I had the weirdest conversation with him! I seriously think he's messing with my head because there is no way he was serious about wanting to die in my arms. Hehe.
I talked to Peter for awhile today...mostly I was helping him figure out blogger...he made a website called "Ironies of Peace" http://ironiesofpeace.blogspot.com! Check it out.
Well.


Lonely...

Not much to say as of yet. Peter isn't talking..Emanuel isn't online. Vanessa doesn't know anything about her grandma yet. What else is there?

I called Theo's house today..He isn't there. Apparantly he is staying with his Dad for the break, but his Mom (very nice!) said she'd tell him I called.

I also called my mom and left a message saying I wanted the home videos of Tobi..and I said dont call me back, just put them in my mail box..
(I swear to God, if she doesn't give them to me I will never talk to her again.)

Longer posts
I got to reading some of my past posts when Peter told me he was reading all of them... Kind of embarassing..I know. But anyway, I got to realize that my posts are really stupid. So, all day today, starting when I wake up..Im going to write...Everything that happens. I guess...starting now. I'd say...

Im sitting here, staring at this dust infested computer screen, and I remember that one time during the summer, when Crystal was off at a sleepover, probably at Jackies, and Dad was still in the hospital...and Tobi and me were home alone....and I was online, then I went to sit on the couch for a minute, so Tobi came up to me and had me lift him up to sit beside me..then, I got up and went back to the computer..so Tobi jumped off the couch and sat by me..and he kept doing that..So I pulled the couch up the computer and we both sat there...it was storming outside..and he was scared.
I miss him..whenever it storms the first thing I think is I better get Tobi, hes probably scared..but then I remember...hes not here...
So now..Im sitting here...crying again..because I miss the way his head would hang off the side of the couch when you pulled your leg from under him..
Earlier, I was talking to Peter. Was an odd surprise. Pleasant, but odd. We talked for awhile..he told me the one day when I called him in the summer, and he didnt talk..that he kicked himself for being such a jerk..and that he felt bad..but he didnt know what to say. He said he liked me and he didnt mean anything by it when he didnt mean anything by it..so, its all good.
Emanuel and I were talking too. Were supposed to see a movie tomorrow. and hang out on New Years Eve. Later in the conversation he was saying he would die in my arms..and in an earlier conversation he said he wants to die in the arms of his beloved...So, I was like..okay..And he said he loves me..and I said i love him too..and then I asked if he wanted to go out or something, and he said he didnt know, so i think were cool. Hes supposed to get his cast off today, so its pretty cool.

I was also thinking about my New years Resolutions lately...Heres what I got so far...
1)To get closer to God. Since I'll be reading the bible everyday I figure I can get closer to Him. There's nothing more I want right now than to have a better relasionship with Him.
2) Try to move on about Tobi. I know this wont ever happen..but I figure, next year around this time, I can look back, and maybe I wont be crying everyday for hours, so I'll be proud of myself that I stepped up throughout the year.
3) Lose Weight. Althought a common goal for people, I really am trying...On January 1st, Im starting Atkins...I'll try to stick with it for 2 months.
4)Train Cleo. Not so much a goal for me, more for her. I intend to do this by putting her poo in a bag and bringing it outside with her..maybe then she'll get it.
5) Lose some of my attitude.
6) Finish my novel "The Floor you Cant Fall Below"
7) Make more friends..Though it may sound stupid, I have trouble making friends.
(More goals to come Im sure!!!)


Also, anyone who reads this, please pray for my friend Vanessa's grandma'. She is having the veins in her legs taken out because the blood is flowing wrong and shes getting heart surgery. Thanks!

I'll steal and I'll hate
Oh man!!!!!!!! IM SO MAD!!!!!!! AHH! MOM WONT GIVE ME THE TAPES OF TOBI! She didnt even love him..she wanted to get rid of him! I HATE HER! Shes like "no..you cant have them. you can come to my house and watch them" well guess what?! If she doesnt give them to me, I'll steal them! I DONT CARE!

I didnt try sushi when I went out with Darren and Erik. (Adal didnt go) Crystal tried sushi and Eel..yuck. I could barely eat shrimp..I tried a peice..and its just as bad as I remember. It was fun though...Erik and Darren are awesome. Darren does the best impression of Gollum! It was awesome. And we went to a thrift store..for Crystal.

Updation?
Hey....readers of my life. Lol. Christmas was okay. On Christmas Eve, we went to Aunt Jennys, road with Don and Rick in their van. At the party, Gene was leaving and tried to hug my Mom, and she ran away from him, then he took her arm and tried to hug her so she shoved him off...kinda' embrarassing. But a cool thing was that Gene wrote a book called "The Moving Finger" It's not in bookstores, but apparantly his publishing company will be releasing his next book. Fun.
On Christmas Day, I saw Peter Pan with Julia, Jackie, Jill, and Crystal. Was fun. I didnt like it as much as I hoped I would. After that we went back to their house and watched The League of Extrordinary Gentlemen....i fell asleep in the middle..woke up at the credits. Lol. Then, we sat around for about an hour..then Jackie and Jill slept over at our house!!!!! First time EVER! It was fun. We played UNO...and had a small crying fest...lol. We watched Serendipity and A Walk to Remember...

Lets see. Today I went to Borders, bought the new Charmed book (reluctantly), a new novel called "Bookends", "Go Ask Alice" and "Counterfit Son"..........And then I went to Target and bought a black and gray blanket...and some black pillow cases and 2 new pillows. Its very comfortable. I also rented 2 movies "What a girl wants" and "Alex & Emma"....So, yeah.

I called Adal, today is his 16th birthday. I invited him to come have Sushi with me, Crystal, Darren, and Erik tomorrow. he said he would, but we'll see. :-)

Blah
Im so bored...I dont know what to do with myself. I saw Return of the King again today...it didnt get any better. Im so hungry, and theres nothing to eat, and seriously, I just want to leave...I wish I was 18 so I could drive....and just go for a week or something...AHH! If anyone reads this they probably think Im nuts..Oh well...At this rate I cant wait to go back to school because I dont want to be at home....I gotta' do something.

Dog food
I was feeding Cleo...just a little bit ago...and this one thing that Tobi loved was in it...small red and yellow things..and oh man, i started crying so bad..I had a memory..of this one time when everyone was trying to get Tobi to do paw, and it wouldnt work..so i took out a package of the red and yellow strips, and he did it for me..oh god..i want tobi.. ::tear::

Wow
I just got told that this kid doesnt like my poems..thats a first...thought i'd note it. -_____-

Paul-Luap-Pauile- Devilishly Handsome LOL
Today was kind of a weird day...not bad, not good...Um, I stayed home sick yesterday..got up, felt really horrible...pretty dizzy, and confused..head was pounding..things were 10x too loud.. (now things are only 5x too loud) but yeah. I had a fever and I couldnt go to school. So, I go to school today and things happened. The circle of Mike, Colin, Tracie, and Courtney got even more confusing..enough said. lol. And Tracie may have gotten Mr. Dowd in trouble, Im not even sure. Then, at lunch, Juana gave Paul a dollar to buy her a flower..it was funny...after that i went in the hall on sat on the floor alone for awhile. Then, Paul walked up to me with a handful of flowers and held them out and said "Would you like a rose Naomi?" and I was like "Aw, no thanks" ---(I have issues with taking things from people....I felt BAD!!!!because I was like..he payed for them, and then gives me one..and i had nothing to give him..blah, I dont know. I just feel bad taking things from people) so anyway, he was like "ouch, you crushed me" and then he offered my a candy cane..and I said, no thanks again...and he tossed it down to me, it was broken in half, so I threw it at this kid...and Paul was like "Man Naomi, you crushed my heart two times!" and he was just kidding..but blah.. (((BY THE WAY, when he offered the flower I thought he was joking...kinda teasing me or something! Im not used to people being nice, let alone...REALLY nice.)))) So anyway, then these girls were chasing him down the hall and begging him for a flower, and he kept saying no. So I felt really bad, and I still do..guilt is filling me up! -_-..I WANT TO SAY SORRY, but I dont know if he was serious... hmmm

Theos note
Lets make it simple
I got mad at you cuz u lied to tiff + lied to me- Also u ditched me at ur little church thing + that slam jam + me + Dapali rnt talking either. I was thinking me + other people noticed that you allways have to be right- no matter wut any 1 says if u dont like it you shoot there dreams down + burn it...u ruined my relasionship with tiff- see if me + u r ever friends again - I know more people that hate you than people that like u....why is that-
and most of all I am mas becus of how ur treating jen like sh*t - in fact I h8 it....leave her alone becuz it hurts her when she sees you- your like all "to to me jen" + then when she does u push her away- all u want it attention- u know wut?!
u need to grow up!
i swear...naomi...huh....you know I used to cherish out friendship but u ruined it ow im wicca again + im ot friends with u, your sister, tiff, juanita, dapali all the people at the table but- im still here + still friends with melodie
So I guess thats it...well write or call- think bout wut i said
bye love theo
______________________________________________________
So.. I read this to Crystal in the car as I was reading it, and she got mad...she cant believe he said that..stuff about slam jam and youth group..saying I ditched him. She was at youth group and says I didnt, and Tracie and Sarah were at slam jam and said I didnt...all the same, i tried to drop it..starting monday I was over it..for the first time in a month I had gotten past it..because I apologized a few times...and neither jen nor him would accept it. (even though I still dont get what I did...???) so, i was over it..i prayed alot about it, and I think God was telling me sometimes, you cant win them all, you know..I had this problem with people being mad at me..but now, its like..Ill try, but I cant make them try too..so, yeah. Im not going to call him, nor write back. I intend to show Juanita and Dapali and Tiff the note, because they are mentioned, but Im not going to make a scene and yell at him or anything. Im done with this...It frusterates me so bad..it kinda' makes me want to cry because to me he seems so ignorant and one sided, but i dont know how he thinks? what can i do?

So I says to myself I says
I talked to Eriks mom at church and online today. Shes so nice..and cool. I wish my mom was like that..Erik, if your reading this, tell your mom shes awesome! lol Doubt you are though..so all well that ends well.

Anyway, my christmas list is weird...I do want some things...Like Jovan perfume (Earth, Water, Fire, and Air, scent..) and the
Hilary Duff CD, and
FM Static Cd...and
"Must Love Dogs" by Claire Cook and...
other little things
But what I havent told anyone...is that I really want a video tape of Tobi..I know we had one once from a vacation...I think mom had the copy of it..anywho, I want that tape...so badly.... but Im scared to ask because then it leads into a talk about Tobi and Im not ready for that..
-_- I'll just keep praying about it...

SO, at church today, I mentioned to Jill that I've been a christian for 2 years about now...and she was shocked. she thought, like everyone else, that I was just copying Crystal..and stuff...so now I cleared that up with her..

Also, I talked to Darren.. (I think thats how he spells it) And we were talking about Adal and stuff....Darren is Jewish, and wants to talk to my Dad, but he also thinks it'd be cool to talk to Adal...have sushi with us is what Crystal and him want..lol, ack..sushi..I think Adal would get along with almost everyone...Erik because Adals going to Japan next year, and Erik loves Japan..and yeah. Adals great, so I think he'd fit in.

Oh well, anyone who reads this (which is probably nobody...) please keep Adal (a 16 year old boy) in prayer..and Theo (took him to youth group once and we are not fighting...), Emanuel (took him once), and Tracie...(shes a sophmore...) so, please just pray that they can either find God or that He can work with them in their lives, and that He will just help Tracie on her walk with Him, because shes kinda' straying..and help Adal, Eman, and Theo find Him..

Thanks....Bai Bai.

Forgive or forget?
So, today was odd...kinda'...First snow of the year. A bit depressing. On the way home from youth group, in Dorinnes car, I didnt talk..I just kinda stared out the window...looking at snow and thinking about Tobi...and then I started thinking about the way he layed on my legs on the couch...and how he sat on his butt with his front paws in the air....or when he rubbed his ears against our arms to make us pet him..and in a storm at night..in bed he'd scratch us or rub his nose against us hard..or just pull our blanket to wake us up and comfort him...I miss him so much... ::tear:: Anyway, nobody really noticed that I didnt talk...so, its okay. As for Erik H..well, things werent awkward...thank God.
Anyway..tonight at common ground (in youth group) we talked about forgetting our past...and if were supposed to..and all this stuff...well, alot of the time I was thinking about Theo, and its really got me upset..because I know in the bible it tells us to forgive people...no matter how many times they do it..just forgive them...and I am..because Theo is mad at me...and to me its not even true..but I guess to him he felt like I ditched him at Slam Jam that time...and thats why I apologized...and I did like..3 or 4 times..and he just wont accept it..he keeps throwing it in my face that I "ditched him" and then after I apologized..he writes me a note and says its my fault hes not christian and that I think the whole world revolves around me and that Im a liar and stuff..and I just cant believe that people are seriously that ignorant..Its just gotten me down, because I try as hard as I can to make ammends, and I just keep getting turned down..I hate it when people hate me...blah...

Not alone today
Today has been a good day so far. In 1st block, Paul showed me his poem that he had to write for english class..he read it to me as we walked out. ^_^ And at lunch, I hung out with Juanita (a girl I recently met) and Paul.. (they apparantly used to date)
Juana is really weird, but I like her, she's cool. We exchanged information today at lunch...I gave her the URL to my poetry site...and I read some of her poetry. It was really good. Lol, now she can read mine and pride herself on how much better she is. hehe. Hmm, what else?
I dont know, I apologized to Tracie..and Colin has the hearing with his parents today or tomorrow. I really hope he doesnt move! He's one of my ONLY friends...I want him to be happy, and in order for that I think he has to live with his Dad, but I'd miss him. :-( I hope things work out...
Um...yeah, I guess it was just a good day because I actually had someone to sit with and stuff at lunch...felt good. :-)
The only bad part was someone threw a cup at my head at lunch, and someone threw something else at me too..but besides that.. all good
Woop woop, Juana just IM'd me. lol, i feel so loved.. -_-

The Wizard of Oz is on...I miss Tobi...Everytime I look at Todo I get teary eyed. This stinks! All day today I was feeling okay...I was conent...now Im on the verge of crying...Flashbacks of Tobi are coming again...I miss him so much.
And today in church, Mom rushed me out...right after service ended, she came to me and asked if i was ready to go...I wanted to talk to Erik and Jill and stuff! I mean, I only see them once a week, and she wouldnt even let me talk! Its the only day of the week I get to talk to people...well, aside from youth group...and I didnt even get to this week!
Another thing weird is happening. Everyone is saying Erik H. likes me...Now, I personally think hes just being nice..kidding around. And I dont want to make a big deal out of it..but they do, and when the confront me about it, I feel like all I can do is go along with it, otherwise they'll think I like him too and that will just make things all weird...I dont know. I want to be Eriks friend...And it stinks because I only see him 1 or 2 days a week for a little while..and we never talk much! lol. I feel so stupid talking about a boy...but oh well.
I drew an orc today...I was thinking of giving it to Dan, since he LOVES Lord of the Rings...but now I think I'll keep it...I dont know, when I show it to him, if he asks for it, I'll give it to him, otherwise..meh.
Jackie talked to me about her and Dan at the birthday party for Julia...I felt privleged...she never talks to me...not for real anyway. But since Crystal wasnt there, she did. And Dan was nice to me at youth group. It was almost as if we were friends...
Thats all for now... :-( BYE
Someone...email me at xxcrimsoncryxx@cs.com
I need to talk...being anti-social is lonely..

Friendless
So, today was NOT the best day...I didn't talk to much of anyone. Tracie is mad at me..You see, she ended up getting an 85 on the project!!!!!!!! I got a 93 and Adal got a 92! Im happy with my scrore, but Tracie did NOTHING, I did all her work and she still passed!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Ahh! That makes me mad. So, I said I was mad that she got a B, with reason, obviously....and shes like "fine, if your so mad I wont talk to you.." and I was like "fine, dont" and Adal goes to her and says "no tracie, i love you, talk to me!" lol. But yeah, so at this point I guess me and Tracie arent talking...And at lunch, this kid Paul from my Freshman Foundations class came and sat by me and said hi. Me and him were sitting against the lockers, and Cammy and a few other kids were standing infront of us. After I said hi to Paul...a few minutes later I stood and walked away because I hate it when people kinda' crowd around me...drives me nuts. (because at lunch people stand right infont of me and step on me like im not there...so, yeah) anyway, i feel horrible because I think Paul thought I didnt want to talk to him or something! AH! The thing is, I KIND OF...like Paul. I think its just the intial shock of him actually talking to me though. So, its nothing big AT ALL. He seem cool, though I dont know him..so if he doesnt like me, well, no harm done. heh. Anyway, today was also bad because Im starting to get jealous...jealous of all the people with phony friends...only because atleast for the time being, they have friends. I mean, I have friends, yeah. Linda, Megan, Peter, Adal, Colin..but I dont see Megan and Linda ever, Adal, well, I cant talk to him...were school friends, basically only talk when we have to work together...Peter, well, we dont talk much at all, too awkward always..and Colin, as I said, I cant talk to him, Im not comfortable....and I dont want to lay any more burdens on him than he already has to deal with. Plus, the only one of those people in my lunch is Colin...and he has a huge group of friends he hangs out with..so in which case, this leaves me alone. People think I like to be alone...but I dont. I dont like to be crowded around by people, like i cant move..but I love talking to people! If people actually took the time to get to know me and didnt abandon me the second I do or say something they dont like, maybe they would know this about me!!!!!!!! I seriously wish people would just....be my friend...

Where do I go from here?
Alot has changed since I last updated. It's been awhile...but I haven't felt like updating at all lately. I only am today because I have nobody to talk to and I need to state what Im thinking...whether anyone sees it or not, I dont know.. :-( Theo hates me, and Jen does too I think. I tried to talk to Jen a few times, but she always brushes me off...and Theo, well, everytime I pass him he scowls or makes some face. I told Tiffany, and when she noticed, she got mad at him and told him she didnt like it when people treated her friends like that. He blew up at her, and now I feel bad because basically I ruined their friendship. As for Tracie, well, me, her and Adal were supposed to do a project on WW2. Me and Adal invited her into our griup because we love her and we felt bad that she didn't have a group...so, after alot of begging to Mr. Dowd, she was in our group. The only down side was that we had to do soem extra work, since we had more members in our group than everyone else....Anyway, Tracie didnt do any work at all. I got stuck doing all her work the night before it was due. Adal and I were mad at her and debating whether or not to tell, but she could tell how upset we were, so she told Mr. Dowd herself. Things pretty much worked out. Lets see, my other friends..Colin...yeah, he's still my friend, but I dont think I can talk to him. Im not really comfortable around him, Im not sure why. Adal is my friend..I think. There wouldnt be a doubt in my head about that if it werent for a few days ago when he was sitting beside me in the hall at lunch, and someone put a pop top on my head. This girl Dena told me he was pointing at my head...like telling her to look, and she told me it was there...she thinks he put it there. I dont think hes the type of kid to do something like that, he seems so sincere when he says Im his friend, but as Ive said before, I have major trust issues. Peter....Ive been talking to him for a few minutes at lunch. Its really awkward, we dont have much to say. I bet within a few days, we'll stop talking again...I dont want to, but those awkward silences are deadly.
Aside from friends, I can feel myself going away from God.I dont want to, and I'm trying to pray about it, but Im not feeling anything anymore. Me and Dad were tearing up in the car yesterday on the way to the library to meet Adal...we missed Tobi. I can usually hold it in until Im alone, but not yesterday. -_- I really miss him...
It sucks, nobody even knows...like, i dont know, I literally feel empty....but its a lonely feeling to. Those are just words, and cant express in the slightest what Im feeling, but I dont know what else to say. im scared to sleep again, because Ive been having dreams about him again....and when I wake up it really hurts...I walked into Hobby Lobby to get something, and looked around and wanted to cry....I saw picture frames and Tobi kept coming to my mind...I cant stop thinking about him! I CANT CONCENTRATE! IM LOSING ALL MY FRIENDS AND THERES NOTHING I CAN DO ANYMORE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

On the verge of tears
Oh man. Well, as I said before, Theo was mad at me. But today, he wrote me a note and said stuff like the whole world doesnt revolve around me and that Im mean, and that he beleives in his God and I can believe in mine and a whole bunch of horrible stuff like that. I was so shocked, because he has been bugging me to preach to him and keep trying to bring him closer to God, because if I didnt, he wouldnt ever get there. So, I'd bring it up sometimes, but when I did, he wouldnt want to talk about it.....so I'd bring it up less...you know. Anyway, he told Jennifer that he cast his first spell in a long time this weekend...and just, stuff. So at lunch, I was ready to cry. I had just gotten the note a half hour previous, and it was fresh in my head...Colin was hugging me, and so was Melody and Jennifer...but that made want to cry more.. :-\ Anyway, I ended up holding it all in throughout the school day. But after school I took a walk with Cleo and tears started to come out...I dont know, its just all too much right now. Im still broken about Tobi. And recently Mom doesnt want to pick us up from school, and Ive just been praying that Mom could kinda' be like all the other moms, always hoping for their kid to talk to them..Im sick of hoping to have a normal conversation with her, without fighting...and Dad isnt the same. I mean, hes Dad, but now I cant give attitude, and things are so different that they used to be because Im always scared that I'll say something mean, and he'll die soon after...Just a scary thought. Anyway, Crystal jumped on my back today, saying maybe by talking to people about God im pushing them away from Him. And that is ALOT to lay on me...its like, Im turning people away from God, causing Him all that pain when they deny him...
Ive been listening to KJ-52 lately. My favorite song of his in recent times is "Dear Slim part 2" Lyrics:
La la la la la la la yo yo yo yo yo
La la la la la la la la yo yo
Dear Slim Part Two yo yo

Dear Slim I wrote you but you ain’t calling
Its been a couple years now since I wrote that song and
A lot has changed now for you and I
I have no clue now that I’d write a song for you and it would change some lives
Kids with tears in their eyes they now come up to me
Showing love to me and telling me that they look up to me
The effects to me well it’s really kinda strange see I only want to share with you Jesus’s love for me

There’s a whole nother’ side of things now I’ve come to see
It’s a huge influence you’ve got upon this industry
But enough of me because it’s not what I came to say to you
Not a day goes by while I take time to pray for you
I’m sorry now for what your mom and dad they did to you
But I can relate with you because you see dude I’ve been there too
I know there’s a lot of pain and hurt now that you’ve been through
But never forget there’s a real love God gave to you

Chorus
La la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la
To whom it may concern
La la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la
Still to whom it may concern
La la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la
To whom it may concern
La la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la
It’s still to whom it may concern

Dear Slim I wrote you but you still aint calling
Backstage at the VMA’s someone gave you my song and
I’m kinda wondering what you thought man
When that guy walked up to you and talked to you and put it in your hands
Maybe you never listened to it or maybe you lost it or maybe you heard it and
You just got mad and then you tossed it
Did he get you back that’s the question that I’ll always get
And I’m like for God forbid that you might even have liked it
I don’t know congratulations on your movie yo
And I heard your last record well over ten million sold
But there’s one thing that’s really got me thinking bro
Does a Grammy mean anything and if its just gotta cost your soul
In case you didn’t know there’s a love that will never go away
You said your going to hell but it don’t have to be that way
See the bottom line of what I’m trying to say is
God puts back together the broken pieces that’s been thrown away
And even everyone ya know ya stuff that goes away
He’ll still love ya til the very day that your old and gray
Too bad a lot of Christians all they do is hate on you instead of droppin to their knees
And takin’ time to pray for you
And it’s obvious that you really love your daughter dude and for that I gotta tell you well
I really got respect for you
So here it is, Dear Slim Chapter Part Two
Another cat just trying to make it just like you

Chorus

Dear Slim did you hear the junk that I’m going through
Kids sending me hate mail and telling me how I’m biting you
Telling me how there gonna beat me up and just kill me too
But a lot of people they just seem to get my song confused
See what I say to you I know I might even sound funny but I never came at
You just to paint you as the enemy
It wasn’t about hatin’ you or startin’ some controversy
It wasn’t about blamin’ you or trying to make some money (no)
I don’t claim to know everything that you’ve experienced
Man I don’t know if you even be hearin’ this
But I said it once and I still hold to this
Is that a life without Christ is still a life that is never fixed
I tell you this even if it is a hard pill to swallow
Like it or not Slim you will always be a role model
Do you know these kids, we’re the one’s they always follow
What we say and how we live gives them a better tomorrow
I had my share of sorrow plus man I’ve been rejected
I’ve been chewed up, spit out and cussed, disrespected
But if I die today and I never sell another record
Jesus gave me more than I ever coulda been expected
I know life is hectic it could leave ya blown away
But check it bro because we all just gon’ die some day
And on that note well there’s only just one thing to say
There’s still one love and one God and only one way!

Chorus x2

Theos mad at me..why?
Goodness me!! I had a bad day.....I didnt try to. But it ended up that way....
As it happened, I woke up feeling cruddy...My leg muscles hurt so bad from the lunges in gym yesterday. But I didnt let that get me down. Then, it all went down after 3rd block. Mr Anderson wont change our seats, after promising me..and its making me mad...he acted shocked when Vanessa mensioned to him that Im christian! He totally judged me.. :-( And then, at lunch, I wasnt talking much, I was thinking...and Theo kept saying stuff. He said I always over react...and he said "not everyone wants to talk about what you want when you want to.." and just stuff like that. And he kept calling Colin the Kricken....so, it was making me kinda' mad. I wasnt talking to him. He like, apparantly got mad...because after that, we didnt talk the rest of the day in the hall...and when I went up to him and Tiffany at the end of the day, I said hey, and he looks at me, then turns to Tiff and says "I gotta' go.." and walks away! That has not happened to me for like, 5 years or more! But, yeah. Just a bad day.
There were some good things though...
Mr. Dowd assigned us to make 2 political cartoons...one for WW1 and one for School. After he said "oh, Naomis gonna' go all out for this one"!!! lol. The whole class looked at me, and I was like...right. So then this kid asked me for an idea...hehe. I have so many. That was funny. But....um, that was about it... Oh, and Jen said my note to her really touched her..she felt like crying, so that was cool. Theo said my note made him cry, but I guess it didnt get to him that much.
::sigh;:
I miss Tobi. (I was crying so hard last night)

VANESSA
this girl, shes my friend, Vanessa. We've been friends since 5th grade..and I found out today shes christian, and shes...totally saved!!!!!! She has been longer than me I think, its so cool though! Like, so many times I thought I should talk to her about God, because, shes my friend and I wanted her to feel how great I was, but then, I just never felt it was necessary...you know?! And now I know why!!!! ITS SO COOL! She probably thinks Im nuts for being so excited...but it just really helps me right now, to know that there are other christians who are strong in their faith..and they are totally there. :-) WOOH HOOH! And I have to call Theo in 5 minutes, to talk to him about God. :-) Im kinda nervous, I hope it goes well. So, Im going to call....eek.

This first time hurts
I woke up this morning, after a dream about Tobi. I remember...in the dream, I was sorting through all my pictures of Tobi, and then, at the end of the dream, there was a picture of me sitting on the couch, and like..Tobi wasnt there. It hard to explain. In reality (when the picture was taken) he was supposed to be in the picture... but when I got it developed, he wasnt there. --All in the dream mind you-- But anyway, I woke up and i couldnt breathe...so I sat up, and then got out of bed..and I started crying so bad...Dad wasnt home, and Crystal was sleeping, so nobody knows..but I was crying like the day it all happened...it hurt so bad...Its crazy though..I feel like Im a little "girl who cried wolf" because I used to talk about being depressed and Id occasionally mention that I was hurting..But I wasnt...not nearly as much as I am now..I dont know.
My new favorite show is Everwood....why? becasue I can identify with the character Amy so much..like that episode about change, and where she was swimming and drowning but nobody would help her. Thats how Im feeling. And when she has hallusinations, I feel like someone in the world feels like I do..even though its just a show. I mean, none of friends or family can see or feel what I am feeling...so, I guess some dumb character on TV is the closest I can get.
Oh well. aunt Linda came over. I hadnt seen her much. I stayed away as much as I could. Because the last time I saw her, I had Tobi...and I cried a few nights ago during that storm, because the last storm was the day before Tobi died...And also, I cried when Crystal rented the Sims playstation because every other time we got a new sims, Tobi would sit with us and watch.... I miss him so bad.
I almost wish I was numb..Id give up happiness to ease the pain right now. It sounds crazy.
And, I had a poem idea but Im not ready to write it out...its going to be a poem about "first times" and how we experience them everyday...but never ecognize them until something is gone..how we move through life so fast that we cant appreciate something until its the last time.

Who's shoulder can I cry on?
"Ill be your crying shoulder
Ill be a love of suicide
Ill be better when Im older
Ill be the greatest friend of your life"
This song is on right now. I love this song. Who sings it?!
Anyway, I wrote Jennifer a note, and i finally told someone whats wrong...I didnt tell her exactly what I think about, but I simply said I think about Tobi. What I didnt tell her was that the image of him dying haunts me in my sleep, and when I shut my eyes, or think a little too hard...Almost constantly, its in my head. And the reason I didnt want to go swimming was because I feel like im drowning, in real life...struggling to reach the surface..and having to actually swim in gym was...crazy. I like to run alot better..why? because im always running away from the thoughts in my head..I feel like screaming. So when I run in gym, it kinda' feels like IM getting away..hah, problem is..im running in a circle and keep ending up at the same spot I started at. Oh well. I didnt give her that detail..But, if she reads my journal, she'll know.
Im kinda sad too! Theo is moving in a few weeks. Its just going to be me and Jen again..how lonely? right?! Kinda like, we got a taste of not being alone, and then it just gets taken away...Ive been praying that God wont let me slip back into my old ways..always thinking about cutting myself to sease the pain inside for seconds on end. It sounds crazy to those who dont feel as I do, so anyone who reads this I can only hope will not judge.
Oh well. lets see. Concert on Friday...Im excited! I love the noice...it drowns out all thought processing! :-)

"Will you, will you be here, tomorrow? So will you, you remember, yesterday!"

Theo wrote me a note...he gave it to me in the morning. Im really offended. Heres what it said

-Naomi-
Hey so wuts going on? We have to communicate when I went to the table - everything was all awkward and stuff.
Did Crystal tell you whats going on? Oh and I need your cell # again. It got lost in mysteriousness of my note book. Any way- Are you mad I didnt call you? I told you I lost the # Plz forgive me Im Sry
Well, Im moving now so u wont have to deal with me any more. I really liked having you as a friend. Sry Im going to hell- But keep trying Naomi. Your bound to make someone believe- Well I gtg Bye!
PS. Do you have an SN?


RUDE! "Your bound to make someone believe" Ahh! That makes me mad...Its like a -ha ha you couldnt make me believe in your dumb religion- type deal. I dont even know anymore! He seemed like such a sweety at first, but lately, he wont talk to me..he avoids me whenever possible, and he gets really mad when i merely mention the words christian or God. It frusterates me really bad.

KULTESS CONCERT ON FRIDAY!
Me, Crystal, Jennifer, Dan, Jackie, Julia, Jill, Josh, Allie, Aunt Kathy... Woo Hoo!

Coming Clean
I talked to Theo and Jennifer today. Jennifer did not talk about it, I know that. I asked her and she cleared her situation up with me. But Theo still hasnt come clean. I bugged him alot about the notes. He doesnt know that I read the first one. He's supposed to call me tomorrow. The only reason I havent told him I know yet is because I want to see how long it takes for him to come clean.
The David Crowder concert is tonight. Im excited.
YOU KNOW WHAT THEO SAID TO ME TODAY!?
I wore dark lipstick today, and he says "your lips look good" lol! I was like....okay
And then I later took it off, and he asked why, i said because, and he said "you looked pretty with it on" and i was like..gee, thanks?! lol

Hurting
I feel like crying so bad right now. Theres a huge lump in my throat....Theo and Jennifer, and maybe even Colin, but I dont know, think Im pushing it too much with religion...I thought the point of being a christian was to talk to others about our faith...I only talked to Theo about it like..two times and I gave him a poem I wrote for Colin that kinda reminded me of him.
Outspoken Truth
Dazed and confused
Looking for a part-time God
For their own private use
Too scared
To put on a public display
To show their affection
For the God to which they pray
Dazed and confused
Religion is not only skin deep
Not for personal use
God is not some secret that your supposed to keep
You are not alone
When things go bad, He will come through
The important thing to remember
Is that God is watching over you
You dont have to be dazed and confused
Looking for some God for your own personal use
Only praying when things go wrong
Worshipping Him when you dont belong
Trying to deny the faith you feel
Always trying to make some deal
Never willing to go all the way
Never will you for the God to which you pray
You dont seem to see that religion is not only skin deep
And that God is not some secret that your supposed to keep.

And Colin liked it..and Theo said he didnt get it. And then, I later find that Theo and Jennifer have been talking to Crystal about me...why didnt they just come to me?! I know how I react when they do..I just apologize alot and stop talking about it..for a few weeks...or whatever. But they didnt even try talking to me! AND jennifer talks to me about it too! Im just really upset. Theo says he doesnt want to hurt my feelings by telling me to stop talking about it, but he hurt my feelings by not telling me..it just shows me how much he doesnt know me...were such good friends now, but..we havent gotten to know eachother.....I dont know what to do!
::tear runs down cheek::
I wonder if Eman feels the same way?
((I think I was best off when I stayed away from people and stuck with myself))
Also, Theo was kinda' mad because I dont like Colin but I talk to him...I do because Colins being cool now, and he talks to me...Im not the kinda' person to brush someone off if they come to me...like, its hard to explain..but I know Colin is into some trouble and he wants to change...so why would I turn my back on him if he needs help?
Ah, and Sarah informs me now she thinks I talk about religion too much also........
IM NOT TALKING ANYMORE! ::tear::

20 minutes into first block
Today was not a good day. I felt sick...all week, so, I took medicine this morning. 2 pamprin, 2 vitamin C, centrum, 2 cold pills, and 1 vicadin....I got to school and I felt alright. But in 1st block, we were doing a worksheet and I felt horrible. My stomach was turning..and I was sweating really bad. After Mr. Anderson finished talking I was going to ask if I could go to the nurse, he finished and asked us to pass up our papers. I turned around to get the paper behind me, and I threw up! IVE NEVER THROWN UP IN PUBLIC BEFORE! ahh. I felt so bad..I kept saying sorry. Dad picked me up from school and I came home sick. The only reason I went to school was because I had to be in school for finals week, to get my reviews and stuff...but, i had to come home anyway. hah. I still feel really sick, I ate soup, but I regret it now. :-\

A FLAMIN' GAME!
I am really mad. Apparantly Jake, Emanuels friend (a kid I once liked) wants to come to youth group. I know Jake kinda', not too well, but as far as I cant see, hes not the kinda kid who would like youth group. I mean, everyone is welcome, but...I think Emanuel like..told him that we just hang out and stuff. Since Emanuel didnt get much out of it last time...He is really, really starting to bug me!!!! He wont listen..when I asked him where he was on his path with God..he said "Huh?"
me- Where do you stand? (religious wise)
him-im nothing, but im becoming christian
me-do you know what christians believe?
him-no, but i can learn
me-emanuel...you cant just learn, you have to feel the faith in God and the love for Him
--Emanuel changes the subject--
AHH! Then, he tries to act like he didnt ask me out last night and stuff. Says, you just wanna be friends, so thats all we'll be. Im not mad that he doesnt wanna date me now, Im mad that hes playing games! HES SO PISSING ME OFF! I want to cry! I dont want him to come to youth group, I dont want him to talk to me, I want to erase him from my life! He wont listen, he doesnt even seem to care about religion, and I think he wants me to be like i used to be. He doesnt seem to understand I changed, and religion is a huge, if not the biggest, part of my life!!!!!!
AHH! Now he IM'd me again..GREAT!

Taken Aback
Eman asked me out again last night..i didnt know what to say! I mean, at times, I'd regret saying no the first time..but...hes not christian, and I want to date a christian, if i date anyone. And the way he acts around his other friends..well, I hate it. Then, I wonder why God had this happen right when I wanted so bad to be closer to Him. I've heard other stories, where people got really frusterated because they took certain things as being a distraction..when in the end it turned out to be the thing that drew them closer to Him. I dont want to turn away from this because it may be that thing that draws me to Him. Then, I wonder...what if its the thing that pushes me away?! WHAT SHOULD I DO?!

Suicidal thoughts? NO!
I got in trouble in art club today....One of my note pads that I made had a hanging chain..like from Hangmans Curse...And Mrs. Certs didnt know who made it, and she didnt print up my copies.So I asked her why, and she took my outside of the class and asked me if I needed psychological help... And she asked if "Love life" I was like...no...nobody does..I swear, she was like, freaking out.
Oh well...............
Eman and Jakie were talking last night..alot. Lol He apparantly stole her nickname for me "Nay" so she has to make a new one..LOL FUNNY! no.. ::looks down:: not really

The titles are so clear
I looked at the couch today, and I could have sworn I saw Tobi. I really felt like crying afterward.

Crystal and Mom are leaving for the retreat tomorrow. I cant go to school because I have no ride home. Mom's leaving at 1:00pm and Dad has a doctors appointment at 2:00 or something.

Um. I want to write. The thoughts are all there. All the ideas, clear in my head. But everything is distracting me. Tracie stole my fire. Hers is burning bright. Her recent poems are so great. Personally, I think they're her best yet. I gotta' learn to focus, otherwise I wont get anything done.

Stuffed Dog
Sometimes at night, I think about that day.
And images of his last minutes blur inside my head.
Until they become very clear.
These images haunt me in my woken hours,
Not only in my slumber.
Sometimes, I think I see him.
I later realize it was all in my head.
I get hallusinations.
More often now than ever before.
At night, I think about the day my life hit bottom,
and there was no ladder to help me out
No person around to help me up the steps to sanity
I was all alone.
Its almost always been this way,
But atleast before I had him.
To cry with and hug in my darkest hours.
He was my light
At night, I think about that day. And it makes me scared to think Im alone,
Engulfed in darkness, with nothing to hug
But a stuffed animal wearing his green and black striped winter sweater
At night, I think about that day, and,
I never want the morning to come
Because at night, if I happen to fall asleep,
Hes there.
And I dont want to ever leave.
The pain when I awake, knowing hes not there, is unable to bare.
And doing that every morning is ludicrous.
At night, I think about that day.
And I cant help but wear myself down and cry.

Worn down
Im really...tired. Physically, yes, but more so Im emotionally tired. Per say. Its like, I seem to be myself again. My friends and family probably think Im A-Okay. Its weird though. Its like, Im putting on an act. Or, Im burrying the pain...Because when Im alone, or get too deep in thought...it hurts so bad. Nobody knows... To be honest, I think Im going to snap. Because ontop of putting in so much effort to seem normal, I cant handle all the little distractions. Its like one more thing happens, and Ill crack. And, dont get me wrong. Im not trying to act normal..Its hard to say. Like, subconciously, I have to meet peoples expectations. I have to be okay. For Dads sake if not mine. And I feel like I have nobody to turn to for help anymore. I have people in my life...but I cant really..turn to them. Im not close enough to them. Its may be my fault, but thats beside the point. Im exausted and I cant take the way my life is going anymore. It takes sooo much effort to pray..or turn to God. Like, it litterally makes me want to cry...I dont know what to do anymore.

EMAN CAME TO YOUTH GROUP!!!
It was so weird. Everyone totally loved him! Jackie wants him to come back every week! Ryan had so much fun talking to him. They got nicknames, new funny ways to walk, and funny words to say now! Ahh! Its crazy. But it was fun. Eman came over to my house, for the first time, and that was weird. But it all turned out okay. I think hes going to start cominh regularly now.

I GOT A CELL PHONE TODAY!
Its so nice. its an LG. And, its so fun. Lol. The only thing I cant figure out is how to record a 4 minute message...I think its a ring tone thing. I only know about it because Alyssa had it. Me and her were seeing how long we could record. I DONT KNOW! lol

Dad is doing okay. He hurts quite a bit though. But I think its all the moving. His body is pretty much used to just laying down and resting, and now hes moving and doing things. Hes probably pushing it too far, and we gotta' slow him down a bit. We'll see.

DAD CAME HOME TODAY!
Something has been bothering me alot lately. Last week after youth group, me and Ryan were debating about animals...I think they go to Heaven. He says theyre just here for us to eat. As you know, Tobi recently died. Not to mension my other pets, Duki, Koko (hamsters), Tiger and Sheva (cats), and Grant (dog) are all gone...And if it says in the bible that Heaven is perfect....then for me, that means my pets and family will all be there. I know that the only thing that brought me back to my path with God was the mere thought that I'll get to see Tobi again...I dont know. I have to keep my faith intact that Im right, but, I'll never REALLY know.

Peter never says 'hi' in the hall as we said we would. I IM'd him a few times and tried to make friends again. I dont think hes interested though. The problem is, he seems so legit when I talk to him, but afterward, its like...it was all, I dont know, fake. Just words to please people.

Delusional

Soo. Things have been so weird lately. At some points of the day, I'll see things in slow motion, litteraly, and I'll get dizzy, or incredibly tired...I've never felt like this before. And something, In the middle of class, or in the middle of nothing...I'll see stuff in my head. Like, weird things. Its hard to explain.

Crystal might have a bladder infection...we dont know yet. And Dad's not coming home today (thursday) as planned. They pushed it off to Saturday.

I saw a movie (Dickie Roberts) yesterday with Eman and Crystal. Eman got so much taller than I remember! Craziness! And then, after the movie, we were all standing outside, waiting for our rides to pick us up, and me and eman were standing by eachother on the stairs and Crystal was staring at us. She said I looked goth.. (not really relevant) but she also said we looked like a couple..WEIRD OR WHAT?! lol. Oh well

I might not join Lit Mag. I really want to...but it just seems I dont have the time. My friends Tracie and Theo say I should join Coffee club. Tracie is pushing me and encouraging me to. It seems kinda' fun, but I dont know..recite poems and hear other poets speak and get recognized by my peers, or publish my work in a magazine and helf design the magazine??? Who knows?!!?

Ummm. Yeah. Im so stressed, I think Im completely delusional. Whos to really say though?

Such a bad day
Me and Jennifer were standing in the cafeteria, and this sophmore (I think) comes up to us and asks us if we want to go out with him. I say "Are you kidding me?" And he says no, and looks back, so I look where he was, and his friends were sitting a table laughing.
I WAS SO MAD!
Geez, last year I was mean and everyone should have hated me, (some did...alot did) but alot also tried to make friends with me. This year, I try to be nice, and they do crap like that! AHH!
Makes me so mad!
And today is Dads birthday, and hes still in the hospital. And I was so tired today because I was up half the night crying about Tobi...and I had to do swimming today and either the swim cap or the cloriene gave me the worst headache, which, by the way, is still in occurance now.

Shoot me once, and I wont die
Shoot me twice and I wont cry
But shoot me a third, and I cant survive

I dont know.
Dad isn't coming home this week. They found a liquid near his heart, and they need to drain it....and he is so depressed..his birthday is monday...and its so sad. He was crying last night because hes so depressed...

School is so hard right now..I think I just cant concentrate...but still. It's all getting piled on. My grades are slipping in Biology and World History! It stinks so bad.

This is an entry I sent in for a contest at the library...:

Dear God,
So much has happened to me this past year. As you know, I decided to become a Christian back in May of 2003, after attending the youth retreat. Later on, I started straying from my path with you. One of the biggest hurdles I’ve come across was Dad’s surgery on Friday, June 13th, 2003. As I’m sure you recall, he needed to get his bypass surgery from 30 years ago reversed. He was also going to get a gastric bypass surgery, but when the surgeons opened him up, they found his tissue was too thin and weak, and had to close him up after the first surgery was completed. That resulted in him not getting the gastric bypass. All summer, Dad was in the hospital. Finally, at the end of August, Dad was moved to a nursing home to recover for 20 days. Unfortunately, in his last five days of being there, he got some virus and had to be rushed back to the hospital. Finally though, Dad began to recover. Throughout this whole struggle, I bounced back and forth from being a Christian, as I’m sure you remember. Right when I was the strongest in my faith that I had ever been, my 12 year old dog, Tobi, died. It was on August 27th, 2003, my first day of school. I remember I wasn’t able to sleep that night, and I thought it was just because of nerves. Little did I know that at 2:00 am that morning, I would be calling Dad at the hospital, who would be calling our neighbor, Dawn, whom in which would rush my sister and me to a vet, where we would have to put our dog to sleep. I missed my first day of high school. It took me about a week or two to start going to church and youth group again, but I made it. Right now God, I am having a bit of trouble with the people at school prosecuting me for my faith and with my Mom, who doesn’t believe me when I say I am a Christian. In all honesty, I don't care what the people at school think, because I know you God, and that’s so much better than stressing about what they think of me. But it’s really hard knowing that my very own Mom cant believe me. It hurts, knowing that I have changed so much this past summer while becoming a better Christian. I don't listen to the Goth music like I used to, and I barely ever swear anymore. I even had a talk with my sister, trying to get her to respect our Mom more, since it’s a commandment and all. I felt so wronged when she denied me of that truth. God, please write me back soon, and show me the right way to address my struggles.

Love Always: Naomi Star __last name__

The 10 commandments misinterpreted
Oh, Man! Me and Mom and Crystal got in a huge fight in the car yesterday. I totally blew up! It started when me and Cyrstal were talking about the christian club..theres one called H2O, and Mom heard us...she spoke up when we finished talking..She said "I dont see how you guys can start a christian club when you dont even act like christians." OH MY GOSH! How dare she say that, right!? She said "its a commandment to honor your parents..."
Crystal said, yes "Respect". Mom said...no "honor, meaning put your parents above you" The argument continued with that..crystal was saying we cant respect her if she shows us no respect..true. My arguement was that she has no right to judge us..The only person who can judge something like that is God. And the nerve that she had to say that..shes not even close to acting like an ideal christian..what does an ideal christian act like anyway?! I was so mad! I have been working so hard for the past 3 months to become a better christian..my friends noticed a huge change..but no, mom hasnt noticed anything different..I dont swear anymore, Im not obsessed with Charmed, I listen to mostly only Christian music...and all this stuff. Just the other day, I told Crystal we need to start respecting Mom because its a commandment, and we should work harder on following those..then this.. I dong know. Im still so mad that she had the nerve to say that.

Rest
Well, coping with Tobi's death has been really hard lately. I'm still in the mind set that he's here....I'll wake up in the middle of the night, and walk around the house frantically, looking for him....but he's never there, and then I remember he died. I think this would all be easier if I hadn't seen it all take place..seen him in pain...and everything.

I died my hair black...I look very dark. People have gone as far as saying I look goth... I did this because it really reflects how I feel...not so much as feeling dark, because I dont. I feel uplifted, having become a christian, but...still. I guess it reflects the pain I feel about Tobi.

Some good news is only 5 days after Dad's recent surgery, he had a bowel movement!! Right on schedule. I'm trying really hard not to get my hopes up...I'm not ready to handle another dissapointment.

World History is really rough. This 2 page doubled-spaced essay on Cleopatra is due tomorrow. Luckily, I finished. But today, Mr. Dowd assigned a new project. I dont know when it's due..but we need 8 slides...not cards, and a 1-2 page double-spaced essay! It seems like alot to me, but I guess it's not. Adal and Tracie are in my group. I think they will work, but when we are given class time for it, they will goof off..I dont know though.

I cant handle Crystal anymore...She told me mom is still having affects from the Acid she did when she was a teenager....and that shes so paranoid about people, and the way she acts is because of that. After I found out, I tried to be more patient with her, knowing that theres a reason she acts like that. I asked Crystal to try...to just not respond, as Julia and aunt Kathy suggested... But she said no. She wont let mom talk down to her (Mom does that alot). I simply said that I didnt want to be in the middle of it..because they both look stupid when they fight..i know, because I used to fight with mom all the time..and I look at myself, and realize how stupid I look. So, she said, "Your not in the middle, your in the back seat!" and I got so frusterated..I mean, sometimes I want tot talk to Crystal about stuff, but I cant, because her attitude. I dont know what to do. Also, Im trying really hard to follow the commandment saying to respect our parents..I feel like Crystal isnt even trying! AHH!

Also, I got a NEW HOODIE today! And a new book. Mom bought me those. ANDDDDDD Tiffany bought me the new Charmed CD! AHH! I cant believe she did that!!!!!
Music of the ear- Skillet :: Rest

Festival Con Dios
The concert was SOOO cool! When we arrived, 7 places was playing. After them, it was FM static, Matthew West, Thousand Foot Krutch, Sky Harbor, SanctusReal, OC Supertones, Kutless, KJ-52, then the Newsboys. The best band, by far, was Kutless! But most of those bands were so great! Throughout the concert, there was a clown named Happy or something, handing out balloons and pins, and there was a huge ball being tossed around the crowd. people were body surfing and mosg pitting...I got kicked in the head by a body surfer..and the mosh pitting was really..rough. Lol, to say the least! But it was great. We bought the SanctusReal CD and the poster. My favorite song of their's is "Hey Wait"

So confined to the fear that you hold on to
Time unwinds and nothing seems
Promised you

Hey wait, i want to take you for a ride
Hey wait, i want to catch you
While there's time

Who'll pick you up when there's no one
around?
Who'll hold you up when your heart
Hits the ground?

So defined by a love that has fallen through
But hope is kind
When you hope in something
You know is true

Hey wait, i want to take you for a ride
Hey wait, i want to catch you
While there's time

I'll pick you up when there's no one
Around
I'll hold you up when your heart
Hits the ground

You're tired and you can't take
Another time around
You know it's hope i'm holding
So i hope i've found you in this
(i've found you in this)

I'll pick you up when there's no one
Around
I'll hold you up when you heart
Hits the ground

I'll pick you up when there's no one
Around
I'll hold you up when you heart
Hits the ground


IT WAS SOOOO FUN! I CANT WAIT UNTIL NEXT YEAR!

((Although..people around me where using my as a stepping stone to get somwhere..this one lady kept shoving me to get closer to the girl she was with..and I got pushed away from Crystal and the rest of the group. Soon enough, Dan was getting pushed away, so Crystal grabbed me and pulled me past them. Then, I grabbed Dan and we were in a group again...Later, when Kutless came on...these two blond girls were grabbing my shoulders and jumping..pushing me down..Dan was laughing, and then moved over so I could go stand by him and Josh. Lol. I was getting pushed around alot. But all in good fun! Jolly Good Times, as Crystal would say!))

Silent Prayers
Dear God,
Its me again
And I come to you on my knees
I ask you for some help and guidence
I feel lost, and seek appease

Dear God,
Its me again
And I come to you with hands held high
I ask of you for some strength and hope
For I feel abandoned, and I want to die

Dear God,
Its me again
And I come to you with love in my heart
I ask of you for some support and love
For I feel alone, and I dont want to depart

Second Surgery
Daddy's surgery is in a half hour. He's really nervous, and so am I. I guess our church are all praying for him at 2:00 pm today...when surgery starts. So that's comforting. But, Im still really worried....if he died...I dont even know. I cant handle mom....me and Crystal would go to foster care or something. Oh well. That's all I really want to say today.

School People
So, we are not burying Tobi in the pet cemetary. :'-( I haven't cried real hard in 2 days..then again, I haven't really laughed neither. I haven't felt much of anything. Actually, I mostly feel anger. And since my Mom has been acting up really bad lately, I have been taking it out on her. I dont mean to be so mean...to her, but she really knows how to push my buttons. It's crazy how bad she can irritate me.

But at school, I met a few really nice people. This girl Tracy, she was apparantly in my sisters World History class last year, but failed, and now she is in mine. She is really nice, and she's funny. I used to call her the foot stomper..because at this one poetry reading at Hoffman, she stepped on my foot, and didnt say sorry.. Heh. But yeah. We're friends now. I met her friend today, Cammy. I dont know her much at all, but I thought it was really cool, she told Tracy that I am really easy to talk to, and she didnt feel uncomfortable at all meeting me. Another kid in my world history class is Adal. (I think that is how he spells it) He is really funny! And he seems really smart. I had a paper frog sitting on my desk today, and he made me a swan. CUTE! Hehe. But yeah. He is in my sisters first class, health. He doesnt know who she is though. Um. These two kids, Aaron and Eric (I think theyre names are)in my English class are pretty cool. I dont know them much, but they hate Good Charlotte, love monkeys, and wear green shoes. Aaron is like, obsessed with my big green safety pin (as was Emanuel and Sylvia last year), and he loves my mini handcuffs. Good times! ^_^ Les me see now. Who else have I met? Oh, Colin, from Biology. I loaned him 5$ a few days ago, he never payed me back. Hes a goth/punk/type thing...Hes cool. He doesnt talk much, but its all good, because I dont either. Ummmmm. I know I'm forgetting someone....Oh well.

Then, this kid, Brent, whom in which I have known for...umm, I guess, like, 5 years. We never really talked much..in fact, I was under the impression he was a naomi-hater. I guess not. He ran into my sister my first day of school, and asked how I was doing. She told him not good, because our dog died. So today, he talked to me in English and said his dog died a month or so ago...it was really nice of him to mention it...because even my closest friends dont want to talk about it...or make me feel better. Heck, Jennifer was just plain rude about it. Saying there was no point in burrying Tobi since he was already cremated..I havent talked to her much at all since she said that. But anyway, that was really sweet of Brent to say that. Lol.


--I hope nobody from school reads this! Nobody can know Im not mean and cold hearted!!!!--

Grief
Everyone, Mom, Crystal, and Dad are pushing me to go out. To youth group, church, to hang out with friends, or just go out to the mall. And just because I dont want to, they are all freaking out. Crystal is saying Im giving into the Devil...by allowing him to use my greif as a portal to drag me down. Dad and Mom are pushing me to go out and do stuff. It makes me so incredibly mad. We had Tobi for 12 years of my life. That's basically my whole life. And after only 5 days, they expect me to bounce back! What is 5 days, compared to 12 years. 5 horrible days, or grieving, compared to 12 years of happiness and love? I wish they would all just back off and leave me alone. Just for awhile. I just need to get all the tears out...After 15-18 hours on Wendsday...and a few hours everyday since then...It will only be a few months. I gotta' slowly start doing things...I cant just jump back into things like Crystal. It's like she just grieved one day, and next day she moved on. I dont know what that is, but I know I cant do it. I mean, I cant even type what happened to Tobi, let alone say it. Shes told family and close friends. I cant even sit in the car and sing to a song without crying. It's hard to talk without crying. Theres this constant lump in my throat..so I just wish they would live me alone until I feel open enough to atleast say it, or think it, without crying, rather than pushing me to do crap!

AND WE BETTER BURY HIM IN THE PET CEMETARY!!!!!!!!!
Crystal and Dad are talking about just having him cremated..and leaving it at that..I dont care, I'll find a way to get a job..or have my friends give me money..some way, Tobi will be buried respectfully..again, after 12 years, the best of my life....Tobi deserves more than what they are talking about giving him. Mucg more.

school
So, today was my second day of school. Apparantly I missed alot the first day. My freshman foundations teacher seemed mad. But, all my other teachers are nice. I really like my english teacher. And my biology teacher reminds me of Mrs Kossaris from spanish last year. But anyway, I have so much homework. I dont think my english teacher would mind much if I turned something in a day or so late, because she knows about Tobi. She also met Crystal, so, yeah. But, I just want to do my work, and get good grades. Im having trouble concentrating on the work though. It all seems so incredibly pointless. The only class I really care about is english, and for some reason, i cant concentrate. I know it's the one class, of then all, that will really get me where I wanna' go in life, but hey...if I cant concentrate. I cant.
In english, I have to write a letter to my teacher about what Im like and stuff, and finish this packet on verds, nouns, etc.
For World history, I have to look up an Inceman, find out about him, see what artifacts that were found, and write a essay about where each artifact came from, and how the iceman died and stuff. I also have to read 14 pages and answer 5 questions.
For Biology, I have to finish answering questions for the Lab, and do the worksheet for homework.
Its alot of homework for my first two days. It's all due Tuesday. -_-

We had a pep ralley at the end of the day too. Dan. M and Zach R sat behind us..apparantly they were messing with tiffanys backpack (jennifer and stef saw) and then they stared messing with mine. And when I was walking down the bleachers, dan m pushed me...and one of them put a penny in my backpack..crystal was really mad when I told her. She wants to report Dan M on tuesday. I think Jennifer and her brother are reporting him too. Normally, I would have turned around and shoved dan m..but, it all seems pointless now. Plus, Dad would freak if I got in trouble the first 2 days of school.

The Worst Day of my Life
I went to sleep around 10:00 pm last night. I had to be awake for school, right? Well, I couldn't sleep, at all. So around 11:30pm, I got this suitcase from my Dads room with a whole bunch of my stuff in it, and I brought it into my room, and started looking through it. Crystal got up, and came into my room. She couldn't sleep either. We talked for awhile, petting Tobi on my bed. I told her that he was breathing weird, he was like, double breathing..as if he had just got done running for a long time. So, we gave him some water, but he wouldn't drink. At about 12:10 pm, Crystal went back to bed, and so did I. Or, we tried...I tossed and turned the whole time. Tobi was very fidgety, so I thought he might want to get off the bed. So, I put my blanket on the floor, and layed him down on it. But, he was fidgeting there too, walking around the room, and not sitting still. So, I was laying in bed, and I called him over. Normally, he wont come. But this time, he came right to my hand and put his nose to it. So, I got back out of bed, and lifted him up. I put him at the end of my bed, then layed down on my stomach, and tried to go to sleep. He wouldn't sit still. He rested his head on one of my legs, then a minute later, he shifted to the other, and he did this for about 15 mintues. Then, I moved my leg, to get comfier, and to try and make him fall asleep...but there was a wet spot on my bed. I got up, and turned on the light. Tobi had wet my bed. His bladder broke...So, I put him on my floor, and he was breathing really heavy. I didn't know what to do, so I went to Crystals room, and brought her into mine, to show her what was happening. When she found out his water broke, I could tell by her look that it was NOT good. We didn't know what to do. It was 2:00am...who could we call? I had her call Dad on the cell phone. He didnt answer the first time, but then he called back. Crystal told him what was going on. He called our neighbor downstairs, Dawn. Dawn came up here, and looked in the phonebook for a vet that was open 24/7. We finally found one. Crystal picked Tobi up, and we brought him to Dawns van. We drove to the Vet. It happened to be the same place we took Sheva when she lost blood in her legs, and had to be put to sleep. The vet looked at him. His stomach was bloated. Abnormally fat. He couldnt even use his back legs. So, eventually the Vet came and told us what was wrong. He was bleeding internally, and had a tumor. They said they could do surgery, but there was a chance he would die anyway. Crystal asked if it would be less painful for him if we just put him to sleep. They said yes. I left the room, I couldnt take it....but, before they did, me and Crystal went to say goodbye to him. I told him I love him, and we left. He was hooked up to all this stuff, and he couldnt breath. They were pumping air into him so he could breathe. We left the room, and they put him to sleep. All the while, me and Crystal were crying..Dawn tried to comfort us, but shes not my Mom, and she was NOT making me feel better..so, I wanted to yell at her to get away, but she persisted, so I just did whatever. I didnt wanna' be rude..

So, Tobi is dead.

Me and Crystal didn't go to school today. I missed my first day of highschool. I haven't slept since Monday night. I havent eaten since yesterday at 5:30pm. I cant stand up without crying. I cant sit without crying. I cant do anything without crying. Crystal isnt crying as much. She just lays in bed, not sleeping, just laying. I dont think I can make it through school tomorrow without crying, but I think theyll make me go anyway.

Crystal told me that when she told Dad Tobi was gone, he sounded like he was going to cry.

Good/Bad news
Sooo. Crystal called Dad, Alyssa, and PetsMart already. Alyssa wants to take Crystal and me out to dinner tonight...probably to lonestar steakhouse, because all we can really eat is meat....
Tobi and Cleo's fur cut appointment is on September 6th. (Good fun)
And Dad...::long sigh::
Apparantly..he has some virus...or something...and something about his white blood cells...anyway, he has to go back to the hospital...... -_- this is my life.

Tomorrow is the first day of school. At 12:15 today, mom is supposed to be here, so at 12:30 Crystal can get her eyebrows waxed. Then, we are supposed to go to wal-mart and get me a new backpack...and then maybe to the mall, so we can each get a few t-shirts..(probably one because mom has been backing out of alot of the things she says)

And Tiffany got ahold of her grandparents...her grandpa called the school and was yelling at them..She MIGHT be able to go the first day..I haven't talked to her yet, so I dont know.

OH MY GOSH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The dumb school said Tiffany cant go to school!
They say she needs her grandparents to sign a proof of residency thing, even though her sister already goes there! BUT her grandparents are on vacation until the 7th, so they say she cant go to school until then!!!!
ITS STUPID! THEY CANT DO THAT! She can not miss her first week of school! AHHH!


So, School starts wen! Not Thursday! POOH! I was freaking out when I found out, but now Im just mad.


So, we didnt see uptown girls yesterday, because crystal said it was too hot, but whatever. Im over that!

Inspired
Church was good today. We talked about living for God. Atleast that's what I got out of it. I realized that when people work, they aren't only doing it to get money for themselves, but to help others. Like my Mom, she sorts mail and gets it out to other people. It's pretty cool. But yeah. I also learned that the sounds that God created are peaceful, and sounds of man, are not. Like, a car sound, zipping down the highway, in contrast to birds chirping in the morning. I think most would prefer birds. Or, police sirens in contrast to water splashing against rocks...again, I think most people would prefer the water. So, I reliazed that. And last night, I found this verse in the bible.

Philippians 3 : 13-14
Brethren. I count not myself to have apprehended: but this one thing I do, forgetting those things which are behind, and reaching forth unto those things which are before.
I press toward the mark for the prize of the high calling of God in Christ Jesus.

This inspired me to really push with the Atkins diet. It's hard...but if I really want it, I gotta' shoot for the prize. So, for now, I'm doing okay. I lost 8 IBS this month so far.....and in an hour, me and Crystal are walking 2.5 miles to see "Uptown Girls" and then 2.5 miles back. ^_^


Basically, today I'm really inspired to push forward in what I'm doing, and not give up on things so easily just because I want to, and keep going for God. Because, everything we do should be for God. Right?

No sleepover for me
So, Jennifer isn't sleeping over. Meaning, she's not going to church with us tomorrow? Why, you ask?

Jen: bad news
Me: not coming?
Jen: we drove around for like 2 hours and we had no freakin clue where your house was when we finally found it no one answered the door and as we were leaving a bunch of cops came and my mom freaked out
Me: ...what time did you get here?
Jen: maybe around 5:45? somewhere around there...the top doorbell said gonzalez
Me: no...ours doesnt..2330?
Jen: walnut ave
Me: Yeah
Jen: yea
Jen: it said on the top doorbell gonzalez
Me: well, you must have gone to the wrong house, because our doorbell doesnt say that.


-_- Oh well......

My schedule
First & second semester
day :::::: class :::::: teacher :::::: room
1A : Freshman Foundations : WWA : AV
1B : PE 1 : N S : Gym
2A : World History : MLD : 068
2A : World History : MLD : 068
3A : Biology : KLI : 252
Lunch : B
3B : Biology : KLI : 252
Lunch : B
4A : English 1 : ELM : 265
4B : English 1 : ELM : 265

3rd and 4th semester
1A : Seminar : KAJ : CAFE
1B : PE 1 : N S : GYM
2A : Computer Literacy : A2S : 048
2B : Computer Literacy : A2S : 048
3A : Art & Design : KPB : 134
Lunch : C
3B : Art & Design : KPB : 134
Lunch : C
4A : Algebra 1 : TBT : 234
4B : Algebra 1 : TBT : 234

Stuck

Well, today was a long day. We drove to visit Aunt Jenny, and to see baby Madison.....she's really cute. I played with Isabel for a long time.
We went grocery shopping. And got home at 9:30. I'll probably go into more detail about our drive to Jenny and Chris's, but right now..its not the time.

Because right now...it hit me...even if and when Dad comes home...things wont be the same..he wont ever be the same person he was when he went in. We probably wont ever go on a vacation anymore..atleast not like before...to Yogi Bear Jellystone Park...Crystal will be starting college in 2 years or so..
Well, I was in my room, petting Cleo, and it hit hard...that realization. I don't know why it took me this long to realize it..anyone who says things will be the same one day, is in serious denial! Well, anyway, I started crying, and I got that feeling again..it is one of the worst feelings ever...you only think it exists in movies or books until it happens..when, everything is so bad..that you just want to leave..but no matter where you go, its still there..and your stuck... -nobody really realizes what a horrible word 'stuck' is..- and, you feel alone..and just....stuck! There are no words to describe it..but I know, being only 14, I shouldn't have experienced it at all, let alone..3-4 times..

Its like...Im so busy trying to help everyone else...and yet, nobody is here for me. Yes, Crystal..but she probably feels just like I do. This whole situation blows.

Peter
Oh man! I JUST CALLED PETER. Snap. It makes me really mad. I was like, hey, whats up..? Blah blah. You know, being nice and crap. And he just brushed me off...like, I asked how hes been..how his summer has been...and if he got his schedule..He said hes been fine...his summer has been boring. and yeah, he got his schedule...so, I asked if he wants to talk..because he wasnt saying much. And he said he didnt know...so after another awkward silence..i just said I'd see him at school..hes like, okay, bye.
I mean, is it just me, or is that rude?! I mean, for real! I call to see if hes okay because he hadnt been online...and you know! I was just trying to be a good friend..but apparantly were not friends anymore..he always used to complain that his friends never called him...well, DUH! Because when they do, hes a jerk!!!
Snap, that just makes me mad..I try to be nice..and people are just mean. grr!



What do you think?

my sick Dad
Well, we went to visit Dad today. When we got there, he was asleep, so Crystal woke him up. He sat up, and in mid-sentence, he fell asleep, sitting up. He then went to the bathroom. When he got out, he started throwing up. So me and Crystal left, to let him sleep. Apparently all night, doctors and nurses were coming in to give him medicine and crap. (While Dad was throwing up, we went into the hall and talked with Dads roommate. He was very nice, and quite funny.)
So, Dawn (our neighbor) took us home. I found out that after these 20 days are up, if he's not better, he will need surgery again. Not good...everyone has told us numerous times that if he gets surgery again, he..well, he wont make it... I cant believe my neighbor, and sister knew before me....nobody even told me! It's not cool at all.
I don't know what I would do if Dad died...my life would end. I just hope all my friends and family are praying for him as strongly as I am.

I have Bug-a-phobia
So, I had alot of trouble getting up this morning for Church. I had gone to bed at 3:30 am, and gotten up at 8:00am. I took a shower, and put on my clothes (except I put my pajama pants back on) and I layed back in bed..By the time I actually got up, it was 9:29, and I had to put on my jeans, grab my bible, keys, and a pencil, then mom showed up, and we left. It was funny though, because Mom was telling me how Crystal forgot her shoes at home, and called Mom that morning to get them for her... (She went to Jackies in slippers) So, me and Mom were driving down Lake Street, and Mom said we should go get her shoes and give them to her at church..We turned around, then I say "Wait..Mom, Crystal's going to Dans church today.." Mom started laughing and said this is just how tired she is, so we kept going. I told her how Jennifer is probably going to church with us next week, then Megan and Melissa are supposed to go with us the following week. She said sounds cool. I also told her about Matt, and how I was talking to him about God. I told her how he said he looked up to me...She thought that was pretty cool I think. But when we got there, it was so funny. We hit floor 16 (because we are currently renting the concord place because the building we just bought as our church (a bowling alley) is being re-designed now. So, yeah, we hit floor 16, but it took us to the bottom floor. I guess that's where the cooks are, because these men in those tall white hats were there, and this one guy gave us a nasty look like, what are you doing down here?!, type look. But anyway, I guess when we got in the elevator, it was going down, and then it would take us up, but it was just really funny...I guess you had to be there. Church was pretty interesting too. Except I was so tired, that I was messing with my safetly pins, paper clip, keys, and thing like that so I wouldnt fall asleep. Not that it was boring, but I was tired. I seem to concentrate better anyway if Im doing something with my hand..like drawing or something.

So, I just sent in my role play sample for the Harry Potter board. The plot was, my character walks into her room, and Snape is looking through her journal. How does she react? Written in past tense. I wrote :


Laynie walked into her room to see Snape looking through her journal, and when she saw that, she snapped.

She looked at him, and stomped over to him, with the knowledge her brother gave her about Professor Snape running through her head.

She tucked a small strand of her red hair behind her ear, then took a few steps closer, until they were a mere 5 feet apart.

"Excuse me, but what are you doing with my journal," she had asked politely, but still demanding.

Snape's lower lip curled a bit and he tossed her journal onto her bed.

The black, leather journal landed, spread open to the page he was reading when she walked in.

He then quickly left her room, without any sort of explanation as to what he was doing.

Laynie followed him out of the room, and watched him walk down the hall, to make sure he was really gone.

After she was sure he left, she ran into the room, grabbed her journal from the bed, and looked through it to see if any pages were missing, and to see what page he was reading.

She ran down the hall to meet up with her friends and tell them what happened.

I hope I get accepted. If not, I'll just have to re-write my sample. No big deal I guess.

But, when I got home, I cleaned the house. I started with the bathtub..YUCK! I took out the mat, and layed it in the hall, placed on a towel. I was scrubbing it, then I got up to get a new rag. I came back over, and got back on my knees. I look down, and theres this....ear wig..thing crawling around on the floor. It was injured, and NASTY! I have bug-a-phobia, I swear. Lol. but, I killed it. Then, I did all the dishes, (Alot) and then I vacumned. Then, took another shower, and now Im here. hehehe. Time to relax. Finally.

Oh yeah, and after Church, I went to Moms house. While she cleaned the litter box for the kittens, I wrapped three presents for Jenny's new baby. (The wrapped turned out really nice, if I do say so myself.) While I was eating a sandwhich there, or, after I finished, Ravyn jumped onto my lap, and snipped my hand. Then, I pet her back a little, and she licked me! OOH! It was so cute. Ravyn is a cutie, and Phoebe is cute, if only she were more outgoing.

Woopie! I just got a letter from the HP board, and Im accepted. Im off to go start my game.

E-mail
So, I am talking to this kid, Matt, that I met online almost 6 months ago. And, I guess he was reading my journal (this). Because he quoted something I said.

-I am trying to listen to more Christian music, rather than secular, but with my friends, who listen to Goth music and so on, it's really hard to say, be in the car with them and ask to change it to KLOVE 94.3 (Christian Radio Station). So, I'm trying to take it slow, to allow God to help me change throughout the years. Problem is, I don't want to change, I'm happy the way I am. All I can do is pray that God will first help me to want to change, then actually help me change.-

And then he said : yeah it is hard....i dont really wanna change my life style either naomi tho i do need to....im pretty happy how i am.....man i wish i was more like you.....your the best you may not think it but you are.....(i took that out of your journal...as if you probably didnt already realize it)

So, I wrote him back an email and said.
<---heh, I didnt know you read my journal. hehe. But I just try to be better..I mean, when we stop striving for perfection, we might as well be dead. Which is not completely true. But its something I keep in mind..because God is perfect...and since he lives in us all, I'd like to make him a perfect place to live..and since he died for me..because he loves me..and then, like, I ignore him all day (in a matter of speaking) its just rude..heh. So yeah. I just try to be better. And Im glad you think so highly of me. :-)


So, I dont know. I think its so cool that people (some people) (barely any people) (maybe only one person) take to heart what I say. Hehe.
We started talking about how I talk to non-believers, some of my friends, and he said its so cool, because sometimes non-believers get mad when they are preached at. I know some do, because I used to be one. But, I try not to preach, I just try to slide in a few things about God when talking to them. I dont know if my friends hate it when I do, if they do, I hope they would tell me. I also hope thats not why me and Eman dont talk quite as much lately, but I doubt it. Hes a good friend, great friend, and I dont think he cares that Im a christian now. "^_^" <--new and improved version, thanks to Matt. IT HAS EARS OR EARMUFFS! lol

Not much at all to say
Okay, so Crystal just left to go to Jackies house. Shes going to Dans church tomorrow. Im going to our church with Mom, I just hope that I get up! It takes her like a half hour to drag me out of bed! lol. But, I rented "Mulan" and "Rock-a-doodle" with Mom today. They were free. Now Im watching "bedknobs and broomsticks" and I watched See Jane Date on ABC family earlier. Holly Marie Combs was great.

Not much has been happening. Im visiting Dad monday, and Mom is taking us shopping again. We each get a few shirts, and I get a new backpack (CJ already got one). And, Dad is giving my $25.00 to get a new pair of shoes, since mine have a hole in them.. -_-


Ummmm. I made a character for the Harry Potter board. Crystal helped. Shes 11, her name is Laynie Star Yoland. Shes a first year (If I get accepted) I have alot of detail about her.

It was sooo great on See Jane Date, when the guy was talking to her and said:

"Hi Im Grant"
"Hi, Im Jane Grant"
"Oh, cool, were both Grants"
"Well, yeah..."
"So if we got married, you'd be Grant Grant"
"No..I'd still be Jane..."
"Oooh, your on of those woman..."
---janes friend walks into room---
"Ooh, your beautiful"
"Um...yeah, arent you lucky? Two hot girls in one room...Me, and Jane" ---friend
"Careful, feminists dont like that kinda' talk..and whos Jane?"

LOL! I found that to be thouroughly amusing.

Summer Vacation : In my eyes
It was June 6th, 2003 and it was my last day of Junior high school. At the end of that week, on June 12th, Dad had to go to the hospital to get ready for his surgery which was scheduled for June 13th. He got the reverse bypass surgery, and afterward, he was touch and go for a while. The doctors said his tissue inside was very weak and thin and they were unable to give him the gastrul bypass surgery, but luckily, he made it through. For the next 8 weeks, Dad was in the hospital. Sometimes, he had a roommate, other times, he had a private room. He was constantly on medication. Apparently one of them was keeping him alive. But it's now August 15th, and he was just recently moved to a nursing home. He is supposed to stay there for 20 days for healing and things like that. His roommate there is really nice, and his room doesn't smell half as bad as the hallways, which spell of urine. He is able to move around, with his walking stick, and he enjoys sitting in front of the building on the bench, watching cars go by and sometimes smoking a cigarette. He finally got himself down to 5 per day. He told us about one time when he was sitting outside, an older man walked up to him and said "You know, my son works over there and sells cigarettes, he supplies this place with them." My Dad nodded, but about 30 seconds later the man said it again. The man repeated himself 12 times before my Dad said something. "You know, you've told me this story already," he said politely. The man looked at him "Oh, I did? Well, you know..my son," the man said it again. I guess the man had memory loss.
But as for my summer vacation...We haven't done much of anything at all. Crystal and I sit at home all day, watching TV or going online. It's not much of a life, but I'm happy with it. At the beginning of this summer, I felt like I was cursed, like I had it the worst. And throughout the summer, I came to resent my mother, for the time that she called Dad up in the hospital and started yelling at him, saying it has been way too long that he's been in the hospital, acting as if he had control over it. And the times that she refused to drive us places. I resented her for never thanking my Dad for allowing her to use his truck, and for acting like he owed her something for sometimes driving us places. But now, I thank God for what I've got. Most people would get depressed, as I did at first. But I decided I'd like to rise above it all. I decided that I'm lucky enough to have people offering to drive us places, like our downstairs neighbor, Dawn. She is a really nice lady, and seems to want to help out a lot. And Grant, my Dads best friend, who has driven Dad to and from the hospital. And then there's aunt Kathy, who continuously offers to drive us to visit Dad, and who offered to drive us to school. People have been really supportive, and it's great.
Also this summer, Jackie, Julia, and Jill have helped Crystal and me find God. They showed us the truth, and since then, things have been pretty bumpy. But if I listen to what Julia told us, that the Devil is always ready to pounce on us, to leap at every opportunity to lead us away from God, then I need to remember that every obstacle I encounter, I must turn to God for help. Which is really hard, since I cant get immediate results. And then there is the change in lifestyle that I am trying to make. I am trying to listen to more Christian music, rather than secular, but with my friends, who listen to Goth music and so on, it's really hard to say, be in the car with them and ask to change it to KLOVE 94.3 (Christian Radio Station). So, I'm trying to take it slow, to allow God to help me change throughout the years. Problem is, I don't want to change, I'm happy the way I am. All I can do is pray that God will first help me to want to change, then actually help me change. Also, I am trying to show my friends the truth. I don't want to push it, but I cant help but wonder, what if I am the one who is supposed to help them, and if I don't, they wont ever be saved. It's a dramatic thought, but I cant stand the fact that if they died tomorrow, they'd go to hell. So, I talk to them about it, but it's all just empty words. When your on the outside, a non-Christian, things like saying 'just pray to God' or 'God will help' just seem empty. I know, because they were just words when I wasn't a Christian.
So, this summer has been pretty eventful. I dont think I'll ever forget it, and I never want to. I have grown up so much in these last 3 months. And I've learned so much, it's just really crazy. It is experiences like this that make me want to become a writer. I hope that maybe, one of my stories can inspire a kid to be better, just one, and I'd be happy. So, that's my story..^_^


I wrote this, because I am really bored, and it's clear in my mind. I need to start getting back in the groove of things before school starts. You know, WHAT?!