Wednesday, February 15, 2006

My time is wasted EVERYDAY

Today I have a graded discussion in English class about The Scarlet Letter. I hate discussions - I loathe them even! Mostly when I'm graded because I dont like to force what I have to say into the conversation. I much prefer to sit back and listen, and if I disagree then I'll say something... Last year, during the Huck Finn discussion I didn't say anything! Literally, I completely failed. It's so much that I'm nervous to speak up because in context of Truth and Eternity, what I say about a book in some random discussion isn't going to effect the Kingdom and it almost, really seems entirely pointless.

That is something I am definitely sturggling with lately; why do I have to learn about the constitution again and spend hours studying at night for Us history tests and then read random books from the late 1700's and study them for hours for English class and THEN memorize formulas for math class in order to pass this year and move on to trigonometry next year (yay >_> ) No, I just cant wrap my mind around these concepts; I wan't to be studying the bible for hours and be able to debate/talk about certain things in the bible - NOT a random book that in the end means nothing.

In the book I'm reading, "Searching for God knows what" by Donald Miller, he just got done talking about how the Truth is NOT a formula. People these days want everything to be in a chart, graph, or formula but that is not how God is. He said something interesting; men dont write lists about how great their gal is in order to show her how much he cares - he takes everything he loves about her and puts it in the form of a poem. Poetry, not formulas - creativity, not measurments, are what gets to the human heart. Science wants to make it all a head issue but that does nothing for us because we are beings of the heart.

Monday, February 13, 2006

You know what I realized recently?
Why does the 'Christian' always have to be excluded from things?

Is it that people assume Christians are going to judge them by what they say?

If thats the case, why cant they first give Christians the chance to prove them wrong - or maybe right...

Something I've always struggled with is socializing - I'm just not good at it. So when I put an effort into being a good friend I almost expect that same effort put back. This may sound really bad, but...: I know what I do. I pay very close attention to the comments I make and to how my attitude is being portrayed when someone talks to me. I know when I'm acting short with people and I know when I make judgmental comments - sometimes I correct my wrongs and other times I dont but I know. So when someone says I came up short in a certain area, like I brushed them off one day, I know it cant be true. Why am I so sure? Because I pay VERY close attention to what I do. I socialize so little that when I do, I take notice of everything. Beyond even that, its a rather rare occasion that people try to confide in me so when they do, I most assuradly do not brush them off. Maybe the reason people avoid talking to me is because they know I hate gossip and maybe what they say is gossip but the reality seems more like they're scared I'll dissaprove of what they're doing so instead of telling me they tell their friends who will cheer them on. Honestly, most of the time it seems more like socializing is much more a burden than a freedom; much more a lock than a key. I can dish out all the love and compassion that I have but I guess what I have to realize is I cant continue to respect it in return. Maybe what I have to realize is that not all have Christ and arent as willing to give away their love and compassion.

Sunday, February 05, 2006

"Matthias [Naomi] Replaces Judas" by Showbread
it is so that my transgressions have born a withered fruit,
the sun has scorched the rising plans;alas they have no root,
the bleached bones of animals bound by leather strips,
dance through the air with laughter as i wield this wicked whip,
as you did warn me carpenter, this world has weakened my heart,
so easily i disparage, self-seeking the work of my art,
and there you have come to me at the moment i bathe in my sorrow,
so in love with myself, sought after avoiding tomorrow,
where do you find the love to offer he who betrays you?
and offer to wash my feet as i offer to disobey you,
your beauty does bereave me, and how my words do fail,
so faithfully and dutifully i award you with betrayal,
the weak and the down trodden fall on broken legs,
as i walk past a smile i cast, fervor in my stead,
but my bones like plastic, do buckle backward now,
i lay in this field by Judas' bowels and anticipate the plow,
i can not be forgiven; my wages will be paid,
for those more lovely and admirable is least among the saved,
and where would i fit Jesus?what place is left for me?
the price of atonement is more than i've found to offer up as my plea,
Jesus my heart is all i have to give to you,
so weak and so unworthy,this simply will not do,
no alabaster jar, no diamond in the rough,
for your body that was broken, how can this be enough?
by me you were abandoned, by me you were betrayed,
yet in your arms and in your heart forever i have stayed
Your glory illuminates my life, and no darkness will descend,
for you have loved me forever, and your love will never end
1. Spell your name backward: imoan
2. Story behind your first name: my parents found it in a baby book
3. Whens your birthday: may 10th
4. Where do you live: on earthDESCRIBE YOUR:
5. Wallet: brown; from india
6. Eyes: brown
7. Toothbrush: clear and blue
8. Jewelry worn daily: heart necklace, watch
9. Cell Phone: US Cellular, broken screen
10. Pillow cover right now: 1940’s silk pattern
11. Car: I don’t have one
12. Bedroom: maroon
13. Sunglasses: I don’t have any
15. Cologne/Perfume: Jovan
16. CD in stereo right now: Showbread
17. Piercing: ears
18. What you are wearing now: jeans and a black ‘Smithfield’ Tee
19. Wish: I was a better speaker
20. Wanting: coffee.
21. What are you doing after this: going to church & then girls study
22. If you could get away with it and murder anyone who would it be: No one
23. Person you wish you could see right now: Ethan
25. Something you're looking forward to in the coming week?: sleeping.
26.Something you just ate: I haven’t eaten yet today
27. Something you are deathly afraid of natural disasters
28. Do you like candles: yeah
29. Do you like incense: sometimes; depending on the smell and setting of the place
30. Do you like the taste of blood: no
31. Do you believe in love: most definitely, it’s the basis of life
32. Do you believe in love at first sight: uhm, lust at first sight maybe
34. Do you believe in Heaven: Yeah
35. Do you believe in God: Of course
36. Do you believe in Satan: Yep
39. Can you eat with chopsticks: barely
40. What's your favorite coin: Nickels
41. What are some of your favorite candles: Vanilla and Cherry Blossom.
43. What's something you wish you could understand better: science, and how the brain works
44. Who did you last kiss: I don’t remember
45. Who did you last text: Kami
46. Who have you called today?: Nobody yet
47. Are you shy around your crush: I don’t have a crush
48. What is your personal message on msn: I don’t have MSN
49. Do you know what it feels like to be in love: I think I do
50. Would you sacrifice your favorite possession for your best friend?: No doubt

Saturday, February 04, 2006

Mission: Radiance
Well, things have been quite hectic this week. Every day after school I had about 3 hours of homework and then I spent about an hour doing bible study/reading. I went to sleep at about 10:00 - 11:00 each night and got up at 5:00. So, yeah, it was definitely a long week.

Yesterday I went to Erik’s college campus and saw Andy Hunter at a local church - he supposedly came all the way from the UK for the concert, but there were only about 50-100 people there so I doubt it was his only show. That was fun; I was looking forward to the concert all week but then someone made a comment and my mood shot down! lol. I was all like, focusing on myself and basically letting my ID control things. Woke up and was still in a bad mood so I finished the handout for Ro0ts and then went to lifetime. After Lifetime I felt kind of a lot better so woot.

Then tonight I did the lesson/talk at Ro0ts. I think it started out really bad; I was so nervous that I nearly skipped the entire first section [which was explaining the background of the situation in Uganda.] Then, some people started answering the questions that I had written on the handouts and they actually did most of the talking - which was sort of relieving to me - and it went decently. I skipped a lot, like I said, but I think the point was well made. This is the basic outline of my thought process:
Step 1: Seek Him fully

Step 2: Gain a Christ-Like Compassion
Step 3: Become holy enough for God to live in you
Step 4: Respond to the situation in Uganda

For more information, go to: Http://

Friday, February 03, 2006

My High School Career
World History – 1
English – 1
Art & Design - 1
Computer Literacy – 1
Biology – 1
Algebra 1 – 1
½ PE 1 – ½

Photo – 1
Drawing – 1
Geometry – 1
Earth Science – 1
English – 1
PE – ½ Journalism – ½
½ Consumers Ed – ½

Psychology – 1
US History – 1
English - 1
Algebra – 1
Health – ½ Drivers Ed – ½
Partners – ½ / Creative Comp – ½
½ Adv. Reading – ½

Rhetoric Cinema – ½ / Eng. Lit. Survey – ½
Expo Comp. – 1
AP Lit & Comp – 1
Partners PE – ½ / Law & the Individual – ½
Chemistry – 1
Soc. Science Survey – 1
½ Comp. Multi Med Art – ½ OR Speech 1 – ½

English: 4.5 + 3 = 8.5 OR 9
History – 3 + 1.5 = 4.5
Science – 2 + 1 = 3
Math – 3 = 3
Art – 3 = 3 OR 3.5
PE – 2
Business – 1.5
Health/Drivers Ed - 1