Monday, November 17, 2003

On the verge of tears
Oh man. Well, as I said before, Theo was mad at me. But today, he wrote me a note and said stuff like the whole world doesnt revolve around me and that Im mean, and that he beleives in his God and I can believe in mine and a whole bunch of horrible stuff like that. I was so shocked, because he has been bugging me to preach to him and keep trying to bring him closer to God, because if I didnt, he wouldnt ever get there. So, I'd bring it up sometimes, but when I did, he wouldnt want to talk about I'd bring it up know. Anyway, he told Jennifer that he cast his first spell in a long time this weekend...and just, stuff. So at lunch, I was ready to cry. I had just gotten the note a half hour previous, and it was fresh in my head...Colin was hugging me, and so was Melody and Jennifer...but that made want to cry more.. :-\ Anyway, I ended up holding it all in throughout the school day. But after school I took a walk with Cleo and tears started to come out...I dont know, its just all too much right now. Im still broken about Tobi. And recently Mom doesnt want to pick us up from school, and Ive just been praying that Mom could kinda' be like all the other moms, always hoping for their kid to talk to them..Im sick of hoping to have a normal conversation with her, without fighting...and Dad isnt the same. I mean, hes Dad, but now I cant give attitude, and things are so different that they used to be because Im always scared that I'll say something mean, and he'll die soon after...Just a scary thought. Anyway, Crystal jumped on my back today, saying maybe by talking to people about God im pushing them away from Him. And that is ALOT to lay on me...its like, Im turning people away from God, causing Him all that pain when they deny him...
Ive been listening to KJ-52 lately. My favorite song of his in recent times is "Dear Slim part 2" Lyrics:
La la la la la la la yo yo yo yo yo
La la la la la la la la yo yo
Dear Slim Part Two yo yo

Dear Slim I wrote you but you ain’t calling
Its been a couple years now since I wrote that song and
A lot has changed now for you and I
I have no clue now that I’d write a song for you and it would change some lives
Kids with tears in their eyes they now come up to me
Showing love to me and telling me that they look up to me
The effects to me well it’s really kinda strange see I only want to share with you Jesus’s love for me

There’s a whole nother’ side of things now I’ve come to see
It’s a huge influence you’ve got upon this industry
But enough of me because it’s not what I came to say to you
Not a day goes by while I take time to pray for you
I’m sorry now for what your mom and dad they did to you
But I can relate with you because you see dude I’ve been there too
I know there’s a lot of pain and hurt now that you’ve been through
But never forget there’s a real love God gave to you

La la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la
To whom it may concern
La la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la
Still to whom it may concern
La la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la
To whom it may concern
La la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la
It’s still to whom it may concern

Dear Slim I wrote you but you still aint calling
Backstage at the VMA’s someone gave you my song and
I’m kinda wondering what you thought man
When that guy walked up to you and talked to you and put it in your hands
Maybe you never listened to it or maybe you lost it or maybe you heard it and
You just got mad and then you tossed it
Did he get you back that’s the question that I’ll always get
And I’m like for God forbid that you might even have liked it
I don’t know congratulations on your movie yo
And I heard your last record well over ten million sold
But there’s one thing that’s really got me thinking bro
Does a Grammy mean anything and if its just gotta cost your soul
In case you didn’t know there’s a love that will never go away
You said your going to hell but it don’t have to be that way
See the bottom line of what I’m trying to say is
God puts back together the broken pieces that’s been thrown away
And even everyone ya know ya stuff that goes away
He’ll still love ya til the very day that your old and gray
Too bad a lot of Christians all they do is hate on you instead of droppin to their knees
And takin’ time to pray for you
And it’s obvious that you really love your daughter dude and for that I gotta tell you well
I really got respect for you
So here it is, Dear Slim Chapter Part Two
Another cat just trying to make it just like you


Dear Slim did you hear the junk that I’m going through
Kids sending me hate mail and telling me how I’m biting you
Telling me how there gonna beat me up and just kill me too
But a lot of people they just seem to get my song confused
See what I say to you I know I might even sound funny but I never came at
You just to paint you as the enemy
It wasn’t about hatin’ you or startin’ some controversy
It wasn’t about blamin’ you or trying to make some money (no)
I don’t claim to know everything that you’ve experienced
Man I don’t know if you even be hearin’ this
But I said it once and I still hold to this
Is that a life without Christ is still a life that is never fixed
I tell you this even if it is a hard pill to swallow
Like it or not Slim you will always be a role model
Do you know these kids, we’re the one’s they always follow
What we say and how we live gives them a better tomorrow
I had my share of sorrow plus man I’ve been rejected
I’ve been chewed up, spit out and cussed, disrespected
But if I die today and I never sell another record
Jesus gave me more than I ever coulda been expected
I know life is hectic it could leave ya blown away
But check it bro because we all just gon’ die some day
And on that note well there’s only just one thing to say
There’s still one love and one God and only one way!

Chorus x2

Friday, November 14, 2003

Theos mad at me..why?
Goodness me!! I had a bad day.....I didnt try to. But it ended up that way....
As it happened, I woke up feeling cruddy...My leg muscles hurt so bad from the lunges in gym yesterday. But I didnt let that get me down. Then, it all went down after 3rd block. Mr Anderson wont change our seats, after promising me..and its making me mad...he acted shocked when Vanessa mensioned to him that Im christian! He totally judged me.. :-( And then, at lunch, I wasnt talking much, I was thinking...and Theo kept saying stuff. He said I always over react...and he said "not everyone wants to talk about what you want when you want to.." and just stuff like that. And he kept calling Colin the, it was making me kinda' mad. I wasnt talking to him. He like, apparantly got mad...because after that, we didnt talk the rest of the day in the hall...and when I went up to him and Tiffany at the end of the day, I said hey, and he looks at me, then turns to Tiff and says "I gotta' go.." and walks away! That has not happened to me for like, 5 years or more! But, yeah. Just a bad day.
There were some good things though...
Mr. Dowd assigned us to make 2 political for WW1 and one for School. After he said "oh, Naomis gonna' go all out for this one"!!! lol. The whole class looked at me, and I was like...right. So then this kid asked me for an idea...hehe. I have so many. That was funny., that was about it... Oh, and Jen said my note to her really touched her..she felt like crying, so that was cool. Theo said my note made him cry, but I guess it didnt get to him that much.
I miss Tobi. (I was crying so hard last night)

Thursday, November 13, 2003

this girl, shes my friend, Vanessa. We've been friends since 5th grade..and I found out today shes christian, and shes...totally saved!!!!!! She has been longer than me I think, its so cool though! Like, so many times I thought I should talk to her about God, because, shes my friend and I wanted her to feel how great I was, but then, I just never felt it was know?! And now I know why!!!! ITS SO COOL! She probably thinks Im nuts for being so excited...but it just really helps me right now, to know that there are other christians who are strong in their faith..and they are totally there. :-) WOOH HOOH! And I have to call Theo in 5 minutes, to talk to him about God. :-) Im kinda nervous, I hope it goes well. So, Im going to call....eek.

Tuesday, November 11, 2003

This first time hurts
I woke up this morning, after a dream about Tobi. I the dream, I was sorting through all my pictures of Tobi, and then, at the end of the dream, there was a picture of me sitting on the couch, and like..Tobi wasnt there. It hard to explain. In reality (when the picture was taken) he was supposed to be in the picture... but when I got it developed, he wasnt there. --All in the dream mind you-- But anyway, I woke up and i couldnt I sat up, and then got out of bed..and I started crying so bad...Dad wasnt home, and Crystal was sleeping, so nobody knows..but I was crying like the day it all hurt so bad...Its crazy though..I feel like Im a little "girl who cried wolf" because I used to talk about being depressed and Id occasionally mention that I was hurting..But I wasnt...not nearly as much as I am now..I dont know.
My new favorite show is Everwood....why? becasue I can identify with the character Amy so that episode about change, and where she was swimming and drowning but nobody would help her. Thats how Im feeling. And when she has hallusinations, I feel like someone in the world feels like I do..even though its just a show. I mean, none of friends or family can see or feel what I am, I guess some dumb character on TV is the closest I can get.
Oh well. aunt Linda came over. I hadnt seen her much. I stayed away as much as I could. Because the last time I saw her, I had Tobi...and I cried a few nights ago during that storm, because the last storm was the day before Tobi died...And also, I cried when Crystal rented the Sims playstation because every other time we got a new sims, Tobi would sit with us and watch.... I miss him so bad.
I almost wish I was numb..Id give up happiness to ease the pain right now. It sounds crazy.
And, I had a poem idea but Im not ready to write it out...its going to be a poem about "first times" and how we experience them everyday...but never ecognize them until something is we move through life so fast that we cant appreciate something until its the last time.

Wednesday, November 05, 2003

Who's shoulder can I cry on?
"Ill be your crying shoulder
Ill be a love of suicide
Ill be better when Im older
Ill be the greatest friend of your life"
This song is on right now. I love this song. Who sings it?!
Anyway, I wrote Jennifer a note, and i finally told someone whats wrong...I didnt tell her exactly what I think about, but I simply said I think about Tobi. What I didnt tell her was that the image of him dying haunts me in my sleep, and when I shut my eyes, or think a little too hard...Almost constantly, its in my head. And the reason I didnt want to go swimming was because I feel like im drowning, in real life...struggling to reach the surface..and having to actually swim in gym was...crazy. I like to run alot better..why? because im always running away from the thoughts in my head..I feel like screaming. So when I run in gym, it kinda' feels like IM getting away..hah, problem running in a circle and keep ending up at the same spot I started at. Oh well. I didnt give her that detail..But, if she reads my journal, she'll know.
Im kinda sad too! Theo is moving in a few weeks. Its just going to be me and Jen lonely? right?! Kinda like, we got a taste of not being alone, and then it just gets taken away...Ive been praying that God wont let me slip back into my old ways..always thinking about cutting myself to sease the pain inside for seconds on end. It sounds crazy to those who dont feel as I do, so anyone who reads this I can only hope will not judge.
Oh well. lets see. Concert on Friday...Im excited! I love the drowns out all thought processing! :-)

"Will you, will you be here, tomorrow? So will you, you remember, yesterday!"

Monday, November 03, 2003

Theo wrote me a note...he gave it to me in the morning. Im really offended. Heres what it said

Hey so wuts going on? We have to communicate when I went to the table - everything was all awkward and stuff.
Did Crystal tell you whats going on? Oh and I need your cell # again. It got lost in mysteriousness of my note book. Any way- Are you mad I didnt call you? I told you I lost the # Plz forgive me Im Sry
Well, Im moving now so u wont have to deal with me any more. I really liked having you as a friend. Sry Im going to hell- But keep trying Naomi. Your bound to make someone believe- Well I gtg Bye!
PS. Do you have an SN?

RUDE! "Your bound to make someone believe" Ahh! That makes me mad...Its like a -ha ha you couldnt make me believe in your dumb religion- type deal. I dont even know anymore! He seemed like such a sweety at first, but lately, he wont talk to me..he avoids me whenever possible, and he gets really mad when i merely mention the words christian or God. It frusterates me really bad.

Me, Crystal, Jennifer, Dan, Jackie, Julia, Jill, Josh, Allie, Aunt Kathy... Woo Hoo!