This first time hurts
I woke up this morning, after a dream about Tobi. I remember...in the dream, I was sorting through all my pictures of Tobi, and then, at the end of the dream, there was a picture of me sitting on the couch, and like..Tobi wasnt there. It hard to explain. In reality (when the picture was taken) he was supposed to be in the picture... but when I got it developed, he wasnt there. --All in the dream mind you-- But anyway, I woke up and i couldnt breathe...so I sat up, and then got out of bed..and I started crying so bad...Dad wasnt home, and Crystal was sleeping, so nobody knows..but I was crying like the day it all happened...it hurt so bad...Its crazy though..I feel like Im a little "girl who cried wolf" because I used to talk about being depressed and Id occasionally mention that I was hurting..But I wasnt...not nearly as much as I am now..I dont know.
My new favorite show is Everwood....why? becasue I can identify with the character Amy so much..like that episode about change, and where she was swimming and drowning but nobody would help her. Thats how Im feeling. And when she has hallusinations, I feel like someone in the world feels like I do..even though its just a show. I mean, none of friends or family can see or feel what I am feeling...so, I guess some dumb character on TV is the closest I can get.
Oh well. aunt Linda came over. I hadnt seen her much. I stayed away as much as I could. Because the last time I saw her, I had Tobi...and I cried a few nights ago during that storm, because the last storm was the day before Tobi died...And also, I cried when Crystal rented the Sims playstation because every other time we got a new sims, Tobi would sit with us and watch.... I miss him so bad.
I almost wish I was numb..Id give up happiness to ease the pain right now. It sounds crazy.
And, I had a poem idea but Im not ready to write it out...its going to be a poem about "first times" and how we experience them everyday...but never ecognize them until something is gone..how we move through life so fast that we cant appreciate something until its the last time.