Tuesday, May 25, 2004

Let me know you'd fight, thousands for my love
Today in math was bad... Mr. Teegarden has to go to a meeting, so we had Mrs. Baker. She was nice and thankfully she did not take attitude or talking too loud. But with my head ach, it seemed loud anyway. So, throughout the majority of class I listened to Bethany Dillon while trying to figure out the math. We got three worksheets and one homework assignment, all due tomorrow at the beginning of class..and I did not finish any of them. Fun, right? Well, I did not talk throughout the whole class either. I did notice Daniel and Jill looking over at me but I figured it was all in my head. I mean, why wouldnt I; what could they possibly have to say if I wasnt talking? I paused my portable to listen to the teacher explain something, and overheard them talking about me. Im not actually sure they were..I heard the words ugly..or something of that sort. After Class, Melissa told me that they were talking about me, but all she told me was that they said I was talking about them! Anywho, the next time I hear them I think Im going to say something. I was so frusterated with the situation; not only them but my whole social status...and when school ended I wanted to cry really bad, but I didnt.

Well, anyway. There is this girl Courtney. Some of you may remember me talking about her a few months ago with the gossip of Colin and her. Well, she is in the hospital. Before I explain what happened, I gotta' admit that I've been praying for her on and off for the past two months..It worried me a lot, the rumors I heard about her. Even if I dont know her, its hard to watch someones life take the turns hers did. Well, as it turns out.. ;:pause:: actually, i shouldnt say whats happening in case of gossiping myself..but the point is shes in the hospital and might need surgery.. I want to visit her and talk to her..maybe not about God..but just let her know I do care even though I dont know her and stuff like that...but nobody knows what hospital shes at and I cant seem to track down her number from anyone. So Im not sure what Im going to do. Pray of course, but in the line of visiting her, I dont know.

Monday, May 24, 2004

Fighting to make the mirror happy
Something so amazing happened! Me and Crystal got the $500 we need for New York! The Lord provided for both of us! It is so amazing! God is good. Seriously...I knew it before, but now I feel it.. more than I did before anyway. I told my friends at school, and though a few cared, the majority of people were annoyed by my happiness...Either its very rare for me to be happy.. (which i dont think itis) or..people just dont like to see me happy. One kid actually said "I like you better depressed" ::sigh:: Im trying not to let it get me down...but its frusterating the way people can so bluntly deny God when such proof that Hes real is so evident. Anyway, I guess it made me kinda' crabby because I was snapping at Crystal and Dad after school. I apologized and I think its okay.

Well, on Saturday night I talked with Peter for awhile. He seems interested in coming to youth group sometime which is really cool. Also, he seemed glad to have someone to talk to.. and he said thanks for being there...so it made me feel pretty good that I was helping in some way. :-)

I also talked to Emanuel. Hes in a band..and they just made a Demo tape..so He is going to let me hear it sometime. I invited him to the carwash on Saturday, and he said he'd like to come, so we'll see what happens.. I have a feeling he will back out but I dont know. He still doesnt want to talk about religion..and I didnt push it. I dont think Im going to bring it up with him again..atleast not for another while. I am officially putting it completely in God's hands.

Talked to Jesse. He seems to be doing okay but hes stressed about which college to go to. He asked me to pray for him, and that is what I'll do..I mean, I do already, but more specifically he wants me to pray about his college choices. I get the feeling he wants me to pray about the situation with him and his cousin though, so I guess I will.

Dr. Kane said there is NO way Dad can get surgey again..if he does, he'll die..no doubt. So, we dont know what to do yet about his weight. They are looking for some medicine, but its hard to tell how things are going. Frankly, Im more concerned about his salvation.. (DUH. Obviously, right?!) I just have this..bad feeling that hes going to have a heart attack or something.. -_-

Today I got the Bethany Dillon Cd. Its good; I love the song "Beautiful" I keep replaying it.
"I want to be beautful..make you stand in awe. Look inside my heart, and be amazed. I want to hear you say, Who I am is quite enough. I want to be worthy of love, and beautiful."

Thursday, May 20, 2004

Grr at math
Well, yesterday in math that girl, daniel was being rude again. She was still on about Sancha's 6th grade comment, and she said I smelled...you see, Spence left the room for a while so Daniels friend Shakka (doubt its spelled like that) took his seat. When he came back she told him to sit where she was, and Daniel said "It might smell, but just know its not us" then she looked right at me and started laughing. ::sigh:: Im sick of her but Im just trying to deal with it.
I also found out in math that if I fail this year they want to put me in pre algebra next year..and not algebra..so I'd be in algebra 1 in junior year! thats stupid! I get it now..its just I dont get it until after the fact..Im talking to my councelor soon about this because thats just ridiculous.
Well, gym was lame. I ran 9 laps..most people ran 8..and then we played softball but nobody got into it so it was really boring. Anyway, Im in computer literacy now so I gotta' go.
But, the good news is that I finally caught up in the bible reading. I read through 2 Chronicals 20-Nephemiah (or whatever) 5. So its all good.

Wednesday, May 19, 2004

Well, lets see now, whats new? I found out they are not arresting people in canada by targeting priests and pastors. But in Sweden they are targeting them, so its still bad. Anyway, yesterday in math class this girl Daniell (not sure if thats how she spells it) was being a snob. It sounds rude but there really isnt any other name for it. As it happened, we had a substitute yesterday in math and the class was really acting up. They were being completely rude and Im sure Im at fault also. Well, this one boy asked a question about one of the review problems so the teacher was going over it with the class in case anyone else didnt understand it. Daniel was asking w"hy we were going over it, because she got it and it wasnt fair that she had to sit through it." Everyone was getting frusterated and telling the class to shut up. Well, I also did in frusteration. I said "Why dont we all just shut up and let her do the problem then?" Right after I said this, Daniel said "Why dont we all just shut up and do the problem then?" In a mocking tone. Then, my friend Sancha said "Oh my goodness, you guys are acting like your in sixth grade..grow up (under her breath almost)." Daniel mocked this comment throughout the rest of class... Whenever she would make a joke or say something funny, or when one of her friends did, she'd go on in saying "Woops, I guess I should go back to sixth grade and grow up." I thought she looked like an idiot. I also thought the class agreed, but they laughed right with her so I guess I was the joke? Ah well, it really bothered me..the stupidity of it all.

This morning Dad told me hes going to the doctor to see why hes still gaining weight. We ended up talking about his eating habits. I said he should give up pop and coffee, and switch to only water because he could lose a good 5-10 pounds in a week or two with a simple switch like that. Eventually, when Crystal agreed, and then mentioned that through prayer (which he said he is doing) his motives have to be right and he cant be praying to lose weight for himself, but for Gods glory. Dad said, "you cant want to lose weight and not want it for yourself." Crystal said a few more things and then Dad said "whatever." under his breath. I really dont know what to do anymore. He weighs 280 pounds and he cant even walk down the stairs with out running out of breath. What is going to happen when Im in New York and he has to take care of Cleo? Just leave her in my room all day, and not take her out? Not feed her like he did while I was on the womans retreat? What? Will i come back to find he had a heart attack and nobody knew? ::long sigh:: I have been so on edge lately. Every little thing is frusterating me and making me mad and I think its only the stress though.

Monday, May 17, 2004

Well, the car wash was Sunday and it went good. Though I got sunburned..lol, it was fun. Im not exactly sure how much we made, but I heard Wal Mart might double our profit, so thats really awesome.

My teaching on Saturday did not go as I hoped it would. There were a lot of awkward silences at first, and my question were too general, but oh well. I mean, I tried and Im not used to teaching so yeah. It wasnt too bad. And Charisse's was really good. I wish she could have finished, because I was really interested. So, Im just going to study her handout tonight. Also, I have to catch up on my bible reading tonight, so Im totally dedicating tonight to God. :-)

Well, church was interesting on sunday. We talked about the new law passed in Massachusetts about gay marriage being passed. Also, in Canada they are starting to arrest people who talk about gay people in a negative manner, I guess as a priest would talk of disaprovement. If you do, you can be put in jail for 2 years. I know its in Canada, but I think it will be like that here soon. I mean, I dont have a problem with gay people...not individually. But...on the other hand I know its wrong, and the gay people I know do mean so much to me, because they are so kind and funny and I love them and I really do care about them so I dont want them to end up in Hell... On so many levels of this I struggle, but in the end I know its wrong. Anyway, its very controversial so I shouldnt talk about it at all.

Saturday, May 15, 2004

Spiritual warfare
Well, we did the shooting for Crystals movie today. I had to get up at 7:30 AM, but its all good. Something crazy happened when we were in the turn lane on our way to Hoffman. We were sitting there, waiting for the arrow, and this guy infront of us just starts to slowly back up..Crystal honked but he kept going. She honked again, and he signaled to the light, as if he thought we were honking for him to go. He kept inching back, slowly, until he touched the front of our car. He moved forward then, and flicked us off. The nerve, right!? He bumps us and then gets mad that we honked! Whatever! I got his license number, then Crystal called Dad when we got to the school. He freaked on her, started yelling and junk. Anyway, it was really weird.

The filming went okay. The girl who was supposed to do the filming showed up 30 minutes late and then she was walkng too slow...but its all good.

So, we were walking down the street, and we saw a car wash...for someone whos going on a missions trip. WEIRD! We asked them where they were going..the one girl didnt know, but they said they were going to Missisippi. So that was pretty cool. I wanted to help out, but I had no money. Geez, its still just weird..because our youth group is having a car wash tomorrow for our mission trip to New York.

I talked to Jesse last night. I didnt say much, but he didnt seem to mind much. Im calling him again later today, so we can talk.. I dont really know what about but I know there are things we gotta' get cleared up.

Well, I teach Roots tonight. Im pretty nervous..only because I have the information, yeah, BUT all I can do is read through it..I dont know how to start a discussion or anything of that sort.

Thursday, May 13, 2004

The Phone
Well, I talked to Linda for an hour today. We ended up talking about religion, which we've never talked about before. I found out she believes in evolution and thinks man made up God so we had someone to blame. I think a part of her doesnt think that because she kept almost saying she believed Jesus was real...well, she did say that a few times. She wanted to know where Heaven is, and why God would let "nice, innocent people die." They are reasonable questions, and really hard to answer. I tried to talk about God's will and stuff, but she didnt agree at all. So I told her I'd pray for her, and she just said dont waste my time, she wont change. I just told her that I cant change her mind but God can change her heart, and that I would pray. From what she told me, she just seemed really hurt about moving, changing schools, living with her parents, etc.
I also called Theo, who was kinda' busy, so Im calling him again in an hour. Fun, right? I also called Shannon. We talked for 3 minutes..she "meant to call for my birthday." But shes sick. I believe shes sick, and that she would have called..I just dont know with her anymore. She swears a lot..in her first sentence she did, and I told her not to. Lol. Anyway, I tried to make plans for us all to hang out soon..just because Ive known her forever and God has really put her and Alyssa in my heart..even though they're more so Crystals friends...I dont know.
Well, on a last note for today, I think God is working on preparing my heart for New York. I can just see people questioning my belief right and left, and plain out rejecting it. I have to know how to respond to things that they ask, soo...if anyone has answers or comments to the questions, write me at xxcrimsoncryxx@cs.com!
1) stigmata : real or fake?
2) where exactly is heaven?
3) Why do genuinely nice, innocent people die?
4) Man created God to blame..
5) Evolution flaws?
6) Where are the bodies of the 12 disciples and Jesus?
7) When did God live?

I know the answers to most of these..but how do I explain them to non believers?

Wednesday, May 12, 2004

Well, nothing too much has been happening lately.Theo complains that I dont update enough so I guess I should try to more. So...Leo (my adopt a youth partner) gave me $100.00 toward new york. Which is really cool. I appreciate it so much..Also, I know the Lord is speaking to me through the verses he sends me because He has already sent me one on trusting the Lord. Well, I talked to Linda and Theo yesterday during the art show...i skipped it and sat outside..anyway, Linda isnt doing too good. Shes upset with her family a lot. Theo is okay, but still stubborn. I mean, I cant really say anything about him...but I do think (in my own, non relavant opinion) that he should talk to his mom about what he thinks.. I personally dont think she'd take his step dads side of his, but I really cant know so Im not going to push him. Im still worried about how hes doing though. Im not really sure what to think, or say to him so Im trying to just be his friend and show him that I do care.

This week is my week to teach youth group. Im not really nervous...after I put it into perspective..I know them all..and I know they woudlnt..make fun of me..so I dont see what there is to be nervous about. Im kinda excited... A part of me is waiting to be "smacked in the face" or something. So far, most of the people have said that God really chose their topic for them and had something to tell them through what they learned...but so far for me, I dont feel like Ive really been spoken to through this, so yeah, im just waiting.

School is blah. Im really sick of it and I dont care for my grades at all anymore. Im just completely in the "whatever mode." I got a D on my math test..which is passing..not good, but oh well. Again, I say I dont care. Anyway, theres not much more to say. My birthday...yeah. My friend Sara gave me this awesome sign with a 3 on it..probably from a gas station. She found it on the ground on the way to school, I really wanted it, and she wouldnt give it to me till now. fun! Jackie and Jill wrote me a nice card and Jackie gave me $20.00! Thats so sweet! ^_^ I was happy, and I gotta' thank her. Aunt Jenny said she was sending $25.00 in the mail but it will be late, so its all good. Thats cool, Im content.

Friday, May 07, 2004

Birthday Blues
Well, I didnt go to school today. Crystal wasnt going because she was in the hospital yesterday...about her bladder infection, because she hurt so bad. I woke up this morning and Dad was like "Do you want to go to school?" I debated, and then just decided not to. Well, when I woke up again later, I was thinking that I wanted to have a little movie night..rent some movies and get some candy and stuff and just chill. Then I thought, oh well, I'll do that for my birthday..only then I realized, DUH, my birthday is monday. SO I guess its too late for that. Oh well, I dont care.

Wednesday, May 05, 2004

Oh my gosh...I feel like crying right now. So much is running through my head...like..I can not believe I am going to have to retake algebra one next year! I mean, seriously.... I worked my butt off this year, and now..I just get to re-do it next year...I wonder what God is trying to teach me or show me through this...it has to be something.. Unless its the devil trying to frusterated me to no extent! Also, Im worried about Dad. He is so incredibly swollen... Hes all red...and his skin is like..stretching.. I get this horrible feeling hes on the verge of a heart attack... And it scares me.. When I have to bring myself to think that...he might die soon...within the next few years..maybe before Im even out of high school.. Oh my gosh.. Ah, it is getting to me right now...maybe its just all in the moment, I dont know. Also, I want to talk with Jesse...but hes "too busy." I do because...he was a serious escape from reality..we just..talked about stuff.. a lot about God, and it was encouraging...

Then theres Theo....I worry about him too. I pray about it..but I still feel so..helpless...and like Im not making any difference. I know prayer is the strongest thing I have that I can do, but sometimes its so hard to accept it.

Well, today I went out with Crystal to Barnes and Noble and exchanged that "Garden" book for the new Cirque du Freak #7. Im pretty happy with it..but I know its not glorifying to God so I do feel a bit convicted..not too much, but somewhat. Also, I got Mom some nice white flowers, a cute card, a chocolatey cookie, and some flower seeds. I brought it over, and she was brushing her teeth, lol, so yeah. She seemed to like it...I dont really know. Ah well. It was fun though...going out with Crystal..just me and her...not Dad or mom driving. Definately cool.

Another thing is school...like... I just want to be in church or youth group all the time. I dont want to deal with people from school... Lately... Paul and kinda Sarah have been giving me attitude about my reading the bible in my free time at school sometimes. Mostly Paul, making comments, and Sarah laughing at the side. Its rude..and they have no business saying anything at all! I guess Im just frusterated with them... but, I think this is something I have to pray about because I think Im ready to lose my patience.
Party? I think not
I just got out of seminar. Paul sat with us for awhile...He invited me to this party on Friday...aparantly his band will be playing there. but yeah.. IM in computer literacy now..and excited. We get to write movie reviews. Im writing about Hangmans Curse and another new release..not sure what though. good fun! Theo...is okay I think. Says hes not cutting himself anymore, which is great, but Im not so sure hes really doing better. Hes not visiting his moms anymore... (not for my birthday) and he doesnt care at all. Which stinks...Well, yeah, cant keep typing..class is starting soon. Gr.

Monday, May 03, 2004

Frusteration with Luap
So...I just debated with paul! It made me mad...I was just reading my bible in seminar..and he sat with us...then asked about it...and stuff. He decided he wanted to debate...because hes athiest..and yeah. he asked me to debate evolution and stuff...but I really didnt know what to say so I told him that...and still, he pushed on...he tried to make me look like an idiot because it was like he was twisting all my words! And then Sarah was there, so I could just see her laughing..because she also doesnt believe...so then Emily came and sat with us..and yeah. i was really outnumbered and i didnt know what to say in the first place. Right now, Im pretty frusterated. And..i was working on my cube and I was actually getting somewhere, but everytime I put it down, paul took it and messed it up.. >_< Frusterating. Snap, I want to go home..and Dad offered to let me get out of school at 12:20 when Crystal does so she can get her license. So...im really considering it.

Sunday, May 02, 2004

Hello world, here I come, WOOH! lol
Hey people. Sorry Theo, that I wasnt online..uhh..I was on the womans retreat. Which was great. It was my first real retreat, besides the youth retreat. The basic message was that God is a Quilter. Anyway, things went weird..you see, at first, I knew I was not in the mood to sit through church and stuff all that time...but I did, and I kept praying that God would just open my heart to whatever he had in store for me this weekend. Well, He did. I wasnt happy with the worship music..it was acoustic (not one of my favorites) and it was a girl..which is great, but I generally prefer worship by a males voice..I just tend to get more into it..but still, I went along with it and got into a few songs. Anyway, by the end of the weekend, I finally figured out what I had learned. In the car ride home, we were supposed to discuss what we got out of the weekend. And, I actually had an answer. I need to learn to trust Hod. I mean, I trust Him, but I have a problem with wanting to hold on to parts of the situation so I feel like Im in some type of control..I just cant seem to give it all up to Him, and thats why I havent been getting far with the things I struggle with. On Saturday morning, I prayed out loud for the first time. It was a short prayer, and I think I talked fast, but still, it was an accomplishment. I prayed for Theo mostly, and for the hearts of our parents to be unburdened when we are in New York. But yeah. Also, I realized that I need to work on my reactions. I think Ive gotten pretty good with controlling my attitude (having worked on it for like..ever!) and I just not realized that I have to learn to react better when Im given attitudes. I struggle with that a lot...I think I have too much pride or something. So yeah, that was really cool to realize. Also, as Jackie said, this time..it wasnt like God was telling me "you need to change and you need to change now!" it was more like...He was saying, "it wouldnt hurt to work on this, so just bring it to me...and I'll take care of it" It sounds so simple..but..its so hard! heh. Anyway, it was definately fun.
We had volleyball matches after sessions at night. It was a lot of fun. And we found the BEST radio station out there. Air One (i think it was called) it was awesome! They played Skillet, Kutless, TFK, FM static, Jeramy Camp, and everyone else! OH YEAH! And Jermery Camps wife and mom were at the retreat. They were really nice. Very exciting. Also..rumors have spread that Heidi wont be going with us to New York..yeh! Worry spreads. I love Heidi...were just going to have to pray about this and find out whats going on.
Also, we went to Cincinatti Ohio! It was so nice there...I loved it. I dont prefer the highways..but there were these steps..they were really big..and they led down to the water..I think it was the Ohio river..but anyway, I would definately like to visit there again...so cool!