Monday, June 30, 2003

Demons in my head
I talked to Crystal about the day it all went down. She knew exactly what I was talking abou and she completely agrees. But I just feel really down lately. Im really sick of...of the bottom falling out. Because every single time my life starts to look up the slightest bit, something goes wrong and I have to start from scratch. Its just really getting old. I know my life has been going downhill since I was 5, when Grandma Rose died and Mom went nuts. But, when I was 9, and the divorse started, that was the ultamite low point. We had hit rock bottom. I keep trying to rise above it all, but its really hard. Especially this time, where as I have nobody to really talk to. Tiffany isnt trustworthy after I found out she told Emanuel about "Exsaveyear." I cant talk to Emanuel because I dont want to complain that much when he has enough to worry about in his life. Definately not Peter because I basically just met him. And Megan and I arent really friends anymore. I kind of talk with Crystal, but she doesnt want to hear it. So, Im stuck. Atleast before, when everything went down I had friends to talk to. Oh well. Dad called, and he said that the doctor told him if things keep looking up, he might be able to come home on Friday. Though, I dont want him to come home if hes not fully ready again. Last time he did, well, it ended like this. And he kept having those episodes. Thats just something I cant handle right now. But if hes better, I cant wait for him to come home. Even though I have to take care of, his being here should make things a bit easier. I guess. ::sigh:: And now, having cried last night, I think I wont get to that low point for another week or two. I hope. Then again, I think so much now, and Im having those flash back type things again, I dont know when my next low will be. Last night I had a nightmare. I guess the important thing is that I finally slept.
I wrote a poem today. I called it "Not a fairytale" and I really liked it. It was basically exactly how I feel right now. I feel like I dont get the happy ending, and I just have to accept that. Its hard to comprehend though. Anyway. I was so incredibly bored today. The only time I was entertained was when Passions was on and Eve lit the club on fire when her daughter Whitney, then Chad, Fox, and Teresa were in the club. She didnt know, but I hope someone dies. I want Eve to feel worse! Haha. But after that, bored out of my mind. Tiffany was the only one online and we have nothing to talk about. Im sick of reading, and there is nothing to draw! Tomorrow at 1:00pm Im going to Family Video with Mom. I intend to rent a movie. And Dad got Public Aid. He had some lady cash that and the child support, so we have a bit more money now. The Public Aid is for rent, but atleast now we will have some money to see a movie or something. ^_^.
On Charmed today, it was the one with the demon who went in peoples heads and placed thoughts that they didnt help people, they hurt them. I kinda' want to think that demon is real, because those are the thoughts that are always in my head. I know demons from Charmed dont exsist though. Heh. All the same, thats probably one reason Im obsessed with Charmed. I can so easily relate to the difficulties and struggles that occur on the show. But anyway, Crystal is now bothering me to go back online and talk to Armand. Ooh, Emanuel just IM'd me. I dont know if I'll let her go online now. tee hee hee. Oh well, "Where is the love" just came on! Well, thats about it for today I guess.
When it all went down
I found myself thinking tonight. About when I was a kid. Specifically, about the night that my life went wrong. I remember, I was sitting in the living room watching Full House with Crystal. Dad came home from work, and as usual, we had hamburger helper for dinner. Later that night, uncle Don and his boyfriend, Rick, came over. Rick brought beer with him, and started drinking. He got drunk, and my Dad asked him to leave. But Rick rudely refused. I'll never forget, he was playing with this bouncy purple and white tye-dyed ball, and bouncing it all around like a mad man. Anyway, my Dad continued to ask Rick to leave, and proceeded in asking Don to take Rick home. But then Don refused. My Dad asked my Mom to ask them to leave, and she asked them once, but they wouldnt. My Dad eventually called the police. The police made Rick and Don leave. After they left, Mom and Dad got into a fight. Then, me and my sister got into a fight. Soon enough, my mom was chasing my sister around the kitchen table, and I was standing in the corner of the kitchen with Tobi, watching, scared. My Dad came downstairs and yelled at my mom for trying to hit Crystal. Crystal ran upstairs, and I was standing there, watching Mom and Dad fight. When Mom ran upstairs, Dad followed her up to their room and I ran up to the room that me and Crystal shared. We were both crying. Then, Mom ran into our room and tripped over a huge stuffed animal and fell against the wall. Dad followed in and was yelling at her. She called my aunt Kathy, and had her and her kids come over. Jackie, Julia, Jill, and Kathy tried to persuade us to go over to their house, telling us it would be really fun. I didnt want to go, but they had convinsed my sister, and she packed her bag. Soon enough, Crystal was bugging me to go too. I yelled and told them I didnt want to and said that it was a trick. I was only 9 at this time. Well, I ran down the hall and layed in bed next to Dad, who was sitting and watching TV. I gave him a hug and told him I didnt want to go. He hugged me and tried to tell me it would be fun. I explained to him that I thought he wouldnt be there when I got back. He gave me a big hug and promised he'd never leave. Well, I went. And Mom was late picking us up in the morning. She said she had gone to see Titanic with Don. We didnt believe her because she had no idea what the movie was about when we asked her what her favorite part was. We got home, and Dad wasnt there. She said he went to work. But Dad never came home that night. Or the night after. He finally called on Monday morning, and told me and Crystal that he wasnt coming back home. Mom had filed an order of protection against him, and we could only see him for 2 hours every Tuesday and Thursday. Um. Well, we had to live with mom for a year or so. Until the court finally ruled my Mom was nuts..haha, and we moved in with Dad. Mom only hit us a few times...We called DCFS on her 2 times, but they didnt believe what we said. Oh well. Thats when my life starting going down. Living with Dad has been hard...His jobs are on and off...And he has gotten injured a few times. Right now, Im hoping we all make it through this time. I find myself thinking of that night on a daily basis now. I havent ever in my life told anyone about that night, and Im hoping that by writing it in his journal thing, I can get over it. I dont know though. Right now, my heart feels heavy. Yet, it feels empty. I just cant wait for this feeling to go away.

Saturday, June 28, 2003

Thursday, June 26, 2003

Visits with Dad
We visited Dad today. He seemed alright, though he was very spacey. Nurses were going in and out of the room constantly. Dad didnt take much notice to them though. We only stayed at the hospital for about a half an hour. Then, we went back down to the car with Mom, and Crystal was complaining about being hungry. Mom finally offered to take us out to eat. She said, as long as its healthy. She also said 20$ or less...Well, the fact of the matter is, there are no healthy food joints up here that are under $20! Now, me, I didnt want to eat. ::shrug:: Cant gain anymore weight..hah. But Crystal was apparantly dying for she was kinda' mad. Mom simply said forget it. I didnt care, but Crystal did. Then, Crystals portable ran out of batteries, and she had to listen to mom, as did I. Mom said she cant handle me and Crystal together..that we gang up on her or something. Crystal found this funny, and said Im the one with all the insults...she just goes along with it. Yeah. Apparantly Im the mean one..Mom also said that Crystal would be so beautiful is she lost weight..But she never said I would..::Sigh:: I dont know. When we got home (at 4:15pm), Crystal made chesseburgers. I ate one, then I fixed mine and her websites. I was watching TV at 7:00pm and nothing was on, except some weird movie called "The In Crowd" on the WB. I've seen that movie many times before, but I never knew the name or had never seen the beginning of it until today. This got me thinking about the "In Crowd" at school. I knew I wasnt part of it. I figured Kim B and all her friends were the in-crowd on my team. I started missing school alot. I was missing Mrs. Streepy going into her wacko debates, and Mr.Schaves incredibly dull voice. I cant believe I'll never hear Mr. Scahve say "...unfortunately, that will put you in the failing range" or Mrs. Streepy say "No touch and tickle, grab and giggle"... Anyway, last night, I was writing Jennifer a letter. It was four pages long. On the first page I explained to her the Emanuel/Peter situation. As I was writing the letter, the Dawsons Creek theme song came on the radio, and I started crying. The song reminded me of when I used to sit at home watching Dawsons Creek while Mom was upstairs sleeping, and Dad was at work. Cyrstal, Shannon, and me would sit in the living room and watch it. Those were the days...Anyway, I sent Jennifer a poem ("Alone") and I asked how things are going for her. I didnt get a chance to mail the letter today, so I'll probably walk to the mailbox tomorrow and send it. ::yawn:: I was up until 6:00 am today. Most of the time I was laying in bed, looking out the window, listening to music, and crying. I fell asleep sometime after 6:00am. Crystal woke me up at 11:30. I was really tired, but I had to walk Cleo, so I got up...Which remind me, at around 9:00pm I gave Cleo a bath! haha. She was so cute! Her fur was all, springy! And tomorrow, I'm supposed to see a movie with Megan and sleepover there. On Saturday, Alyssa U. might sleepover for Crystal. Apparantly, Jenny C. had convinced Alyssa to drive, and said that if they got caught, she would pretend to be drunk and Alyssa could just say she had to drive her home. But, when they did get caught, Jenny didnt do anything. Now, Alyssa has to go to court, and might be facing some jail time. I gotta' admit, Alyssa kinda' deserves it, because shes always getting intto trouble, and it appears she doesnt care much. Oh well. Sometimes I wish I could get in trouble...or atleast have the option of getting in trouble.
Eternally Alone
Being home alone is very lonely. Crystal went out with Mom to the doctor and then they went out to eat. I havent eaten anything but crackers and slimfast for a few days, so I didnt go with. And it's good because I can use the lack of food. -_-. Well, staying home was quite as entertaining as one would hope. While Crystal was gone, I was supposed to make her a new site, but Blogger was down from noon until midnight! And I didnt have anybody to talk to because Emanuel is still on vacation, Peter is always on away message, and everyone else takes little, if no, interest in the things I have to say. At 2:00pm I watch Passions and then at 3:00pm I started cleaning the house. Crystal got home at 4:00. I finished at 5:00pm and the boredom stuck again. I started writing Jennifer a letter while watching Charmed. Then Crystal said I could go online, so I put the letter away and went online, hah. I tried blogger again, but still, nothing. I went to Cerulean Sky, and drew a Charmed oekaki. I sent it in, but it didnt show up on the board, so the drawing was gone.MAN! I was so mad! It looked really good, and I had worked really hard on it for an hour and a half. Again, I tried to draw a Charmed oekaki, but of a different picture. It turned out semi-good, but not as good as the first. I sent it in, AND AGAIN, it didnt work! So frusterated....But the boredom was crazy, so I tried again. I drew Alyssa Milano (Phoebe), and it didnt turn out too good, but it went through on the site. After that, I drew Holly Marie Combs (Piper). That also went through. I checked Blogger after finishing that, and it was back up! So, now Im here, adding to my journal. ^_^. Just a few minutes ago, I heard Tobi scratching on the floor, so I went to go let him in whatever room he was scratching infront of..Dads room...I slowly opened the door, and Tobi walked in. I switched on the light, and Tobi looked around the room. But nobody was in there. He looked up at me, confused. Tears formed in my eyes and I started crying. I kneeled down and hugged him, and told him I missed Dad too. I think it was then that he realized Dad was not here, and wasnt coming back for awhile. ::tears run down cheeks:: To add to that, Dad called earlier, and he told Crystal that he thinks he wont be getting out of the hospital anytime soon, so hes sending over the child support money so we can cash it. We cant buy anything with it though, because that money ($250.00) and the $100.00 hidden in Dads room, are going toward a car for Crystal. ::sigh:: And now that we have literally no money, I find myself wanting more and more.
1)A new computer
2)A zip drive
3)An MP3 player
4)A simple journal
5)Michelle Branch CD
6)Liz Phair CD!
7) Dog treats for my babies
8) A cell phone
9)An actual house
Etc. In no specific order. Im wondering if I'm being selfish. ::Sigh:: I need to wake up from my dream world and come back to reality, because the closest I will get to any of those things this summer is this online journal that I'm writing in now.
Doctor Doctor!
Dad had to go see a doctor. The cut on his finger looked infected. Doc put him on some weird medication..for high blood pressure. Well, we later found this medication was giving Dad episodes where he couldnt talk or walk...Well, on a Tuesday morning Dad went to the hospital because he was so completely out of it. I wont go into details..but it was bad. I went to school that was so hard. Emanuel and Sylvia were talking about getting in trouble or something..I didnt listen much. How could I?! My mind was pretty busy thinking about Dad. And that Thursday night...I was online, talking to some buddies, and I just got really sad. I got offline, and started crying. The pictures on the wall...the couches..everything has a memory with Daddy. I found myself in my room, trying to go to sleep, but I was crying so hard I literally couldnt breathe, and I got up. I sat up in bed and was choking as I breathed the air in. I cried for so long. The thought that no matter where I went Dad would still be sick...and I just felt so stuck! Suicide seemed to be the only option, and that was scary. Well, anyway. The doctors finally came to the conclusion that the medication that the first doctor put Dad on had caused some bacteria thing to form in his brain..And the end result that they came up with was that he had to get his bypass surgery, from 30 years ago, reversed. About a month or so after figuring this out, Dad gets the surgery. He was also going to get a gastric bypass done, but once they opened him up, his tissue was too thin and they were unable to preform that one. They did the reversal though. That was on Friday, June 13. (Peter had said my Dad had his birthday wishes, since that day was his birthday! ^_^ ) Well, for 2 days after the surgery Dad couldnt talk, or anything. Drink, eat, nothing. By monday he was able to suck on ice chips and moisten his throat. Thats when we finally got to talk to him. Throughout the week, Dad started drinking coffee, and chicken broth and pop. He was chewing gum too! But then, the doctors found his bowel movement wasnt doing anything.. (Meaning that he wasnt pooping or peeing, or having any gas..which was bad) SO NOW! Dad is back on only ice chips..He is really just sick of this and wants to come back home. And I must admit, I miss him so much. I mean, I miss everything. Mostly the little things..Like just, the smell of Dad cooking doesnt smell the same when I cook it.. ::tear:: The worst was on Fathers day. Sunday, June 15th, though. I couldnt help but think of when Dad bought me and crystal a rose on Fathers day.
The thought of me...with a journal..
I guess I'll just start with my...uh, love life issues..I've never in my life had a problem with my love life...because I've never had one. But now, after telling Peter I had a crush on him, and Emanuel telling me he likes me, things are starting to get confusing. I didn't expect Peter to tell me he liked me to. In my wildest dreams, I expected him to not hate me. Lol. Well, Peter has a girlfriend, and after talking to her, I found out she is really nice. Having basically given up on Peter and moved on to Emanuel, thing are weird. I've been friends with Emanuel for almost 2 years now. And we've been best friends for probably a year almost. I admit, at times, I liked him alot more than a friend, but of course, I never told him! Even after he told me that he liked me in December...I didn't tell him. I was scared that by the time I told him...he wouldn't like me anymore. Like, after saying "I like you" to me, aloud, it became a sick realization that he did not like me. So, I never told him. Until. he told me again in June that he liked me. And asked me out...The last thing I wanted to do was hurt him...and I did like him..So I told him yes, I'd go out with him. Of course, I made sure he knew I liked Peter also..And he told me to try again with Peter. I cried..Hah. I mean, I felt really bad! Peter had a girlfriend, so there was NO hope there...and I knew, even if Peter didn't have a girlfriend, there would always be an excuse to not go out with me. Within the next week, I gave up with Peter. Since, he didn't talk to me the whole time. Haha. Well, I cant wait for Emanuel to get back. I want to meet him somewhere and talk...I dont know where, but I think we need to talk. I want to tell him that I really like him..and Im just now realizing the full extent..After finding myself doodling his name in my spiral, and wishing I could have a hug..Lol. Im so stupid. ::Long Sigh::