Thursday, September 20, 2007

Our Tango Dance -
Tango dancing on a wire with you is exhausting
I try to balance as our hips thrust at one another –
And as we spin around each other in fantastic form
This wire likes to wobble
& I wonder if the telephone poles will continue to support our weight
The bird wires for gossip wobble
But we continue to dance
We continue to move passionately
You shout words at me
Words that graze and cut my ears
I foolishly throw myself at you
I am a fool
You thwart me away by twisting away from me
I will continue to dance
Though the wires threaten to snap
And though the heat seems to rise
I will go on dancing
Either the wires are sparking
Or there is something between us
There’s no way to tell
No way to know how you feel
No way to avoid hurt
To avoid the fire
We keep tango dancing along the wire in the sky
Clouds drifting beside us
& I fear the wires will snap
I hope they snap.

--> I wrote this poem about tango dancing when I was thinking about me and this guy. I was in the car with my sister thinking about my relationship with him and I was trying to pinpoint how it made me feel; its a feeling I'm not used to. Its not like I'm standing in the middle of an ocean with waves crashing around me and it's not like a delicate ballet dance in the middle of the winter in a forest... It's passionate (I have these feelings for him that go unreturned - an unrequited romance). Yet every move I make with him I feel like I have to carefully plan it out and find loops holes so as not to be "thrown off the island" in a sense. The tango dance is passionate and emotional. The telephone wire means a lot. First of all the part with the sparks is supposed to get across the ambiguity of everything - how something that may sometimes seem so clear (like him liking me in return) turns out to be something totally different. (the wires sparking). Then the wires also represent gossip - like dancing along a stream of words that have no real meaning. The reason it represent gossip also is because when I think of telephone wires I think of a line of birds sitting on it and it always looks like they are talking or in other words, gossiping. I really like this poem because I feel like SO many people can relate to it... Anyone whose gone after a person who didnt have feelings for them in return would understand.

Saturday, September 15, 2007


Saturday, September 08, 2007

A Friendship -

In winter Chicago smells of exhaust and cold; the first day of school has this smell of freshly sharpened pencils and stale classrooms; the bathroom has a smell of ‘Brute’ cologne and stale cigarettes. Everything in my life leaves a small impression in my memory – a small impression that will linger in my mind for years to follow. This summer left a new impression on me: As I recall its events I will always feel a warmth and closeness inside that follows with a scent of ‘Sensual Amber’ body spray and the sound of loud music blaring in my head. Our friendship was reunited in spring after about a six-month separation and every month we clung to each other more and more, knowing another separation rested on the horizon.

AFI’s “Prelude 12/21” rang as a text message was delivered to my cell phone. It’s Kami – she wants to know if I want to hang out when she gets out of work at 6 p.m. She came to my house around 7 p.m. and we just barely drove to Subway to get some dinner. I say ‘just barely’ because her car doesn’t like going where we want it to; the RPM’s would drop significantly low and the engine would just rev rather than speed up so that we would just barely make it to where we had to go before it conked out for a few hours.

We enjoyed our sandwiches which were over-stuffed with vegetables that we both knew would add those extra few calories that we were trying to hard to avoid. Before hanging out with her, I never added anything to my subs but she made me want to try new things and as small as adding olives to my usually BLT sub is, it was a big deal for me. Soon enough she had me adding tomato and olives and oils to all my sandwiches. Kami and I had the uncanny ability to influence one another without the slightest intention of doing so. I, to her displeasure I am sure, somehow managed to sway her to be just a bit more high-maintenance than her usual self. Now, just as I often do, she orders her food with a few things ‘on the side’ as opposed to on the sandwich and she finds herself criticizing restaurant services now more than ever.

As the day came closer and closer we seemed to spend more time together. To the extreme annoyance of many around us, Kami and I were inseparable. In our most extreme exhaustion we would call one another up to get together. Everyday it seemed we would lay-out yet another creative endeavor for us to accomplish before I was to leave for school. Our last, and most memorable, endeavor was to make a photo-album of our pictures telling the story of our friendship. We already had over 300 photos of her from the days when I fancied myself a photographer and her, a model. We had probably two of me and about fifteen of us together. We had a long way to go to get to our goal of 150 but we did it. Almost everyday when we got together we would snap pictures.

For a few days we aimed to get pictures of us in front of the most significant places we went to in the summer (Denny’s, Dominick’s, Panda Express, Xactek, etc) but our time was, to say in the least, limited. We also wanted to get pictures of us with every person we spent time with in the summer but that proved to be an even more impossible thing as people would only see us when it was convenient for them.

The photos were all taken and I was set to leave the following day. She came to my house that morning and we ran errands the entire day in the 90 degree heat. We went to Panda Express to get some food and each ate one egg roll too much which pushed us both past full and into our “going-to-keel-over-and-die-of-fullness” phase. From there we headed to the mall to find a photo booth where we could take pictures. To our annoyance Woodfield Mall did not have one so we drove over to Stratford where we walked around the mall for almost an hour before giving up and then realizing as we were leaving that it was under the door we entered from.

After taking our pictures we headed to Wal-Mart to get our 150 pictures developed but the photo lines were long and the machines were running slow so with only 2 hours left of the store being open we began to panic. Both of us were getting to our breaking point. It was a mixture of emotions in knowing that it was our last night together and not being able to get what to needed to do done that we sort-of fell into an emo mood.

Thankfully Walgreens came to our rescue and was able to develop all of the images within 2 hours – so as we were waiting for them to finish we walked across the street to McDonald’s. Neither of us was very hungry but with no other ideas of what to do and both of us in sad moods, we settled on eating. While there we spoke of our friends who refused to hang out with us before I left. We were hurt – simple as that.

Finally, our pictures were done from Walgreens. We headed back to my house where we finished bringing my belongings down to my sisters car in the rain before sitting in the living room and laying our all the pictures into the photo albums together. It was hard and we both wanted to cry many times as we looked at the images that told the story of our friendship – a friendship we knew would again be challenged as we both went our own ways.

With us both feeling down trodden and emotional and with the photo albums finished we went over to Denny’s where we sat enjoyed a huge sundae as we wrote captions and watching the rain come down harder and harder. The clock reading 2 a.m. we decided to split; each of us go home and face the coming day separately. She drove me home and we both stood in the rain with tears on our face, only a hug to signify everything. Kami drove away.

Wednesday, September 05, 2007

A bit on my Classes

So Im in the second week of classes here at NIU and I am managing alright so far. I am currently enrolled in Statistics, French 101, English, Art History, and Philosophy. I am not worried about my English or Statistics class much because this is a basic English class that I technically tested out of and I took a Statistics course in high school so I should be able to manage that fine.

Philosophy so far is an interesting class - my teacher is English and often likes to poke fun at us Americans. Right now we are learning how to present deductive arguments; our current course material being how to prove that God exists and our next topic is how to prove he does not. As expected many students are very, very passionate about the subject (though nobody speaks up much in class). You've for your typical teenage atheist who thinks religion is for morons and you've got your standard Christian girl who was raised perfectly and is offended that other wont respect her beliefs - then you've got me... a Christian with a lot of room for questions and a mindset more like an agnostic.

French 101 - I've actually only been to the class once so far but I do have a lot to say on the subject. The first day my teacher was telling story after story about france and french movies and cuisine - I didn't learn anything but I assumed it was because it was the first day. Later in the week my RA was talking to me about her french class (which actually is the same as mine except it meets one hour before mine does) and she actually decided to transfer into another class because of how our teacher bounces for topic to topic. My RA - a girl who took french for 4 years in high school - decided to transfer out... Sad to say I didn't have the luxury so I am stuck in that class and will be heading there is a few minutes.

Lastly, Art History. It's art and its history... its boring. We wont be having a final in there and basically I only took it for the credit. The class is actually the perfect icon of how you picture a college lecture going; teacher babbling on and on about random facts using extremely long words that would take you a few minutes at least to understand with the entire audience staring into space with a dazed look on their face - often times struggling to stay awake. Yup, a typical lecture situation..

SOO right now I gotta head to my French class and see if I can talk to my teacher and figure out if I will be able to pass this course - then I have to go on a mad hunt for ice. My roommate popped her knee cap out of place yesterday. I went to my two morning classes and when I came back to switch books she was still laying in bed with a pill bottle in her hand... I freaked out a little because I couldn't tell if she was okay and I knew she was supposed to be at class so I woke her up and all she requested was ice. Everyone I asked told me the only place to get ice is off campus... but tonight I am going to go to the cafeteria (Right after I get out of my french class) and I am going to fill up a cup of ice and I am going to leave with that cup of ice to bring to my room mate! After that, I dont know what I can do. :[


Oh, and before I go.. a little on Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows. I thought the book was good except for a few things that irk me real bad. Throughout the entire book we are sitting with Ron, Harry, and Hermione wondering WHY Dumbledore didn't tell Harry more about what to do. We are wondering if what Rita Skeeter said is true - and we continue to have this unedning faithing in Dumbledore because for 6 books we have been given no reason to doubt him. It turns out that he really wasnt the greatest guy and when confronted by Harry all he could say is 'Sorry, my bad... guess I should have told you more but I thought you'd be dumb and mess up like I did!' ......... Kay .......... Then that little conclusion was awfully cheesy... What was Rowling thinking? Yeah, it was cute but come on! Every addition to the series grew a little more darker and then all the sudden these last 6 pages or so is the classic happily ever after ending. AND WHY DIDN'T HARRY DIE? Whatever, Snape is good - I knew it! :D

Tuesday, September 04, 2007

Proud Snape-Suppoter
Well I FINALLY finished the new HP and let me be the first (or maybe last) to say SNAPE IS GOOD! haha. More on that later - also more on my classes and what not.