Saturday, August 30, 2003

Everyone, Mom, Crystal, and Dad are pushing me to go out. To youth group, church, to hang out with friends, or just go out to the mall. And just because I dont want to, they are all freaking out. Crystal is saying Im giving into the allowing him to use my greif as a portal to drag me down. Dad and Mom are pushing me to go out and do stuff. It makes me so incredibly mad. We had Tobi for 12 years of my life. That's basically my whole life. And after only 5 days, they expect me to bounce back! What is 5 days, compared to 12 years. 5 horrible days, or grieving, compared to 12 years of happiness and love? I wish they would all just back off and leave me alone. Just for awhile. I just need to get all the tears out...After 15-18 hours on Wendsday...and a few hours everyday since then...It will only be a few months. I gotta' slowly start doing things...I cant just jump back into things like Crystal. It's like she just grieved one day, and next day she moved on. I dont know what that is, but I know I cant do it. I mean, I cant even type what happened to Tobi, let alone say it. Shes told family and close friends. I cant even sit in the car and sing to a song without crying. It's hard to talk without crying. Theres this constant lump in my I just wish they would live me alone until I feel open enough to atleast say it, or think it, without crying, rather than pushing me to do crap!

Crystal and Dad are talking about just having him cremated..and leaving it at that..I dont care, I'll find a way to get a job..or have my friends give me money..some way, Tobi will be buried respectfully..again, after 12 years, the best of my life....Tobi deserves more than what they are talking about giving him. Mucg more.

Friday, August 29, 2003

So, today was my second day of school. Apparantly I missed alot the first day. My freshman foundations teacher seemed mad. But, all my other teachers are nice. I really like my english teacher. And my biology teacher reminds me of Mrs Kossaris from spanish last year. But anyway, I have so much homework. I dont think my english teacher would mind much if I turned something in a day or so late, because she knows about Tobi. She also met Crystal, so, yeah. But, I just want to do my work, and get good grades. Im having trouble concentrating on the work though. It all seems so incredibly pointless. The only class I really care about is english, and for some reason, i cant concentrate. I know it's the one class, of then all, that will really get me where I wanna' go in life, but hey...if I cant concentrate. I cant.
In english, I have to write a letter to my teacher about what Im like and stuff, and finish this packet on verds, nouns, etc.
For World history, I have to look up an Inceman, find out about him, see what artifacts that were found, and write a essay about where each artifact came from, and how the iceman died and stuff. I also have to read 14 pages and answer 5 questions.
For Biology, I have to finish answering questions for the Lab, and do the worksheet for homework.
Its alot of homework for my first two days. It's all due Tuesday. -_-

We had a pep ralley at the end of the day too. Dan. M and Zach R sat behind us..apparantly they were messing with tiffanys backpack (jennifer and stef saw) and then they stared messing with mine. And when I was walking down the bleachers, dan m pushed me...and one of them put a penny in my backpack..crystal was really mad when I told her. She wants to report Dan M on tuesday. I think Jennifer and her brother are reporting him too. Normally, I would have turned around and shoved dan m..but, it all seems pointless now. Plus, Dad would freak if I got in trouble the first 2 days of school.

Wednesday, August 27, 2003

The Worst Day of my Life
I went to sleep around 10:00 pm last night. I had to be awake for school, right? Well, I couldn't sleep, at all. So around 11:30pm, I got this suitcase from my Dads room with a whole bunch of my stuff in it, and I brought it into my room, and started looking through it. Crystal got up, and came into my room. She couldn't sleep either. We talked for awhile, petting Tobi on my bed. I told her that he was breathing weird, he was like, double if he had just got done running for a long time. So, we gave him some water, but he wouldn't drink. At about 12:10 pm, Crystal went back to bed, and so did I. Or, we tried...I tossed and turned the whole time. Tobi was very fidgety, so I thought he might want to get off the bed. So, I put my blanket on the floor, and layed him down on it. But, he was fidgeting there too, walking around the room, and not sitting still. So, I was laying in bed, and I called him over. Normally, he wont come. But this time, he came right to my hand and put his nose to it. So, I got back out of bed, and lifted him up. I put him at the end of my bed, then layed down on my stomach, and tried to go to sleep. He wouldn't sit still. He rested his head on one of my legs, then a minute later, he shifted to the other, and he did this for about 15 mintues. Then, I moved my leg, to get comfier, and to try and make him fall asleep...but there was a wet spot on my bed. I got up, and turned on the light. Tobi had wet my bed. His bladder broke...So, I put him on my floor, and he was breathing really heavy. I didn't know what to do, so I went to Crystals room, and brought her into mine, to show her what was happening. When she found out his water broke, I could tell by her look that it was NOT good. We didn't know what to do. It was 2:00am...who could we call? I had her call Dad on the cell phone. He didnt answer the first time, but then he called back. Crystal told him what was going on. He called our neighbor downstairs, Dawn. Dawn came up here, and looked in the phonebook for a vet that was open 24/7. We finally found one. Crystal picked Tobi up, and we brought him to Dawns van. We drove to the Vet. It happened to be the same place we took Sheva when she lost blood in her legs, and had to be put to sleep. The vet looked at him. His stomach was bloated. Abnormally fat. He couldnt even use his back legs. So, eventually the Vet came and told us what was wrong. He was bleeding internally, and had a tumor. They said they could do surgery, but there was a chance he would die anyway. Crystal asked if it would be less painful for him if we just put him to sleep. They said yes. I left the room, I couldnt take it....but, before they did, me and Crystal went to say goodbye to him. I told him I love him, and we left. He was hooked up to all this stuff, and he couldnt breath. They were pumping air into him so he could breathe. We left the room, and they put him to sleep. All the while, me and Crystal were crying..Dawn tried to comfort us, but shes not my Mom, and she was NOT making me feel, I wanted to yell at her to get away, but she persisted, so I just did whatever. I didnt wanna' be rude..

So, Tobi is dead.

Me and Crystal didn't go to school today. I missed my first day of highschool. I haven't slept since Monday night. I havent eaten since yesterday at 5:30pm. I cant stand up without crying. I cant sit without crying. I cant do anything without crying. Crystal isnt crying as much. She just lays in bed, not sleeping, just laying. I dont think I can make it through school tomorrow without crying, but I think theyll make me go anyway.

Crystal told me that when she told Dad Tobi was gone, he sounded like he was going to cry.

Tuesday, August 26, 2003

Good/Bad news
Sooo. Crystal called Dad, Alyssa, and PetsMart already. Alyssa wants to take Crystal and me out to dinner tonight...probably to lonestar steakhouse, because all we can really eat is meat....
Tobi and Cleo's fur cut appointment is on September 6th. (Good fun)
And Dad...::long sigh::
Apparantly..he has some virus...or something...and something about his white blood cells...anyway, he has to go back to the hospital...... -_- this is my life.

Tomorrow is the first day of school. At 12:15 today, mom is supposed to be here, so at 12:30 Crystal can get her eyebrows waxed. Then, we are supposed to go to wal-mart and get me a new backpack...and then maybe to the mall, so we can each get a few t-shirts..(probably one because mom has been backing out of alot of the things she says)

And Tiffany got ahold of her grandparents...her grandpa called the school and was yelling at them..She MIGHT be able to go the first day..I haven't talked to her yet, so I dont know.

Monday, August 25, 2003

OH MY GOSH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The dumb school said Tiffany cant go to school!
They say she needs her grandparents to sign a proof of residency thing, even though her sister already goes there! BUT her grandparents are on vacation until the 7th, so they say she cant go to school until then!!!!
ITS STUPID! THEY CANT DO THAT! She can not miss her first week of school! AHHH!

So, School starts wen! Not Thursday! POOH! I was freaking out when I found out, but now Im just mad.

So, we didnt see uptown girls yesterday, because crystal said it was too hot, but whatever. Im over that!

Sunday, August 24, 2003

Church was good today. We talked about living for God. Atleast that's what I got out of it. I realized that when people work, they aren't only doing it to get money for themselves, but to help others. Like my Mom, she sorts mail and gets it out to other people. It's pretty cool. But yeah. I also learned that the sounds that God created are peaceful, and sounds of man, are not. Like, a car sound, zipping down the highway, in contrast to birds chirping in the morning. I think most would prefer birds. Or, police sirens in contrast to water splashing against rocks...again, I think most people would prefer the water. So, I reliazed that. And last night, I found this verse in the bible.

Philippians 3 : 13-14
Brethren. I count not myself to have apprehended: but this one thing I do, forgetting those things which are behind, and reaching forth unto those things which are before.
I press toward the mark for the prize of the high calling of God in Christ Jesus.

This inspired me to really push with the Atkins diet. It's hard...but if I really want it, I gotta' shoot for the prize. So, for now, I'm doing okay. I lost 8 IBS this month so far.....and in an hour, me and Crystal are walking 2.5 miles to see "Uptown Girls" and then 2.5 miles back. ^_^

Basically, today I'm really inspired to push forward in what I'm doing, and not give up on things so easily just because I want to, and keep going for God. Because, everything we do should be for God. Right?

Saturday, August 23, 2003

No sleepover for me
So, Jennifer isn't sleeping over. Meaning, she's not going to church with us tomorrow? Why, you ask?

Jen: bad news
Me: not coming?
Jen: we drove around for like 2 hours and we had no freakin clue where your house was when we finally found it no one answered the door and as we were leaving a bunch of cops came and my mom freaked out
Me: ...what time did you get here?
Jen: maybe around 5:45? somewhere around there...the top doorbell said gonzalez
Me: no...ours doesnt..2330?
Jen: walnut ave
Me: Yeah
Jen: yea
Jen: it said on the top doorbell gonzalez
Me: well, you must have gone to the wrong house, because our doorbell doesnt say that.

-_- Oh well......

Friday, August 22, 2003

My schedule
First & second semester
day :::::: class :::::: teacher :::::: room
1A : Freshman Foundations : WWA : AV
1B : PE 1 : N S : Gym
2A : World History : MLD : 068
2A : World History : MLD : 068
3A : Biology : KLI : 252
Lunch : B
3B : Biology : KLI : 252
Lunch : B
4A : English 1 : ELM : 265
4B : English 1 : ELM : 265

3rd and 4th semester
1A : Seminar : KAJ : CAFE
1B : PE 1 : N S : GYM
2A : Computer Literacy : A2S : 048
2B : Computer Literacy : A2S : 048
3A : Art & Design : KPB : 134
Lunch : C
3B : Art & Design : KPB : 134
Lunch : C
4A : Algebra 1 : TBT : 234
4B : Algebra 1 : TBT : 234

Thursday, August 21, 2003


Well, today was a long day. We drove to visit Aunt Jenny, and to see baby Madison.....she's really cute. I played with Isabel for a long time.
We went grocery shopping. And got home at 9:30. I'll probably go into more detail about our drive to Jenny and Chris's, but right now..its not the time.

Because right hit me...even if and when Dad comes home...things wont be the same..he wont ever be the same person he was when he went in. We probably wont ever go on a vacation anymore..atleast not like Yogi Bear Jellystone Park...Crystal will be starting college in 2 years or so..
Well, I was in my room, petting Cleo, and it hit hard...that realization. I don't know why it took me this long to realize it..anyone who says things will be the same one day, is in serious denial! Well, anyway, I started crying, and I got that feeling is one of the worst feelings only think it exists in movies or books until it happens..when, everything is so bad..that you just want to leave..but no matter where you go, its still there..and your stuck... -nobody really realizes what a horrible word 'stuck' is..- and, you feel alone..and just....stuck! There are no words to describe it..but I know, being only 14, I shouldn't have experienced it at all, let alone..3-4 times..

Its like...Im so busy trying to help everyone else...and yet, nobody is here for me. Yes, Crystal..but she probably feels just like I do. This whole situation blows.

Tuesday, August 19, 2003

Oh man! I JUST CALLED PETER. Snap. It makes me really mad. I was like, hey, whats up..? Blah blah. You know, being nice and crap. And he just brushed me, I asked how hes his summer has been...and if he got his schedule..He said hes been fine...his summer has been boring. and yeah, he got his, I asked if he wants to talk..because he wasnt saying much. And he said he didnt after another awkward silence..i just said I'd see him at school..hes like, okay, bye.
I mean, is it just me, or is that rude?! I mean, for real! I call to see if hes okay because he hadnt been online...and you know! I was just trying to be a good friend..but apparantly were not friends anymore..he always used to complain that his friends never called him...well, DUH! Because when they do, hes a jerk!!!
Snap, that just makes me mad..I try to be nice..and people are just mean. grr!

What do you think?

Monday, August 18, 2003

my sick Dad
Well, we went to visit Dad today. When we got there, he was asleep, so Crystal woke him up. He sat up, and in mid-sentence, he fell asleep, sitting up. He then went to the bathroom. When he got out, he started throwing up. So me and Crystal left, to let him sleep. Apparently all night, doctors and nurses were coming in to give him medicine and crap. (While Dad was throwing up, we went into the hall and talked with Dads roommate. He was very nice, and quite funny.)
So, Dawn (our neighbor) took us home. I found out that after these 20 days are up, if he's not better, he will need surgery again. Not good...everyone has told us numerous times that if he gets surgery again, he..well, he wont make it... I cant believe my neighbor, and sister knew before me....nobody even told me! It's not cool at all.
I don't know what I would do if Dad life would end. I just hope all my friends and family are praying for him as strongly as I am.

Sunday, August 17, 2003

I have Bug-a-phobia
So, I had alot of trouble getting up this morning for Church. I had gone to bed at 3:30 am, and gotten up at 8:00am. I took a shower, and put on my clothes (except I put my pajama pants back on) and I layed back in bed..By the time I actually got up, it was 9:29, and I had to put on my jeans, grab my bible, keys, and a pencil, then mom showed up, and we left. It was funny though, because Mom was telling me how Crystal forgot her shoes at home, and called Mom that morning to get them for her... (She went to Jackies in slippers) So, me and Mom were driving down Lake Street, and Mom said we should go get her shoes and give them to her at church..We turned around, then I say "Wait..Mom, Crystal's going to Dans church today.." Mom started laughing and said this is just how tired she is, so we kept going. I told her how Jennifer is probably going to church with us next week, then Megan and Melissa are supposed to go with us the following week. She said sounds cool. I also told her about Matt, and how I was talking to him about God. I told her how he said he looked up to me...She thought that was pretty cool I think. But when we got there, it was so funny. We hit floor 16 (because we are currently renting the concord place because the building we just bought as our church (a bowling alley) is being re-designed now. So, yeah, we hit floor 16, but it took us to the bottom floor. I guess that's where the cooks are, because these men in those tall white hats were there, and this one guy gave us a nasty look like, what are you doing down here?!, type look. But anyway, I guess when we got in the elevator, it was going down, and then it would take us up, but it was just really funny...I guess you had to be there. Church was pretty interesting too. Except I was so tired, that I was messing with my safetly pins, paper clip, keys, and thing like that so I wouldnt fall asleep. Not that it was boring, but I was tired. I seem to concentrate better anyway if Im doing something with my drawing or something.

So, I just sent in my role play sample for the Harry Potter board. The plot was, my character walks into her room, and Snape is looking through her journal. How does she react? Written in past tense. I wrote :

Laynie walked into her room to see Snape looking through her journal, and when she saw that, she snapped.

She looked at him, and stomped over to him, with the knowledge her brother gave her about Professor Snape running through her head.

She tucked a small strand of her red hair behind her ear, then took a few steps closer, until they were a mere 5 feet apart.

"Excuse me, but what are you doing with my journal," she had asked politely, but still demanding.

Snape's lower lip curled a bit and he tossed her journal onto her bed.

The black, leather journal landed, spread open to the page he was reading when she walked in.

He then quickly left her room, without any sort of explanation as to what he was doing.

Laynie followed him out of the room, and watched him walk down the hall, to make sure he was really gone.

After she was sure he left, she ran into the room, grabbed her journal from the bed, and looked through it to see if any pages were missing, and to see what page he was reading.

She ran down the hall to meet up with her friends and tell them what happened.

I hope I get accepted. If not, I'll just have to re-write my sample. No big deal I guess.

But, when I got home, I cleaned the house. I started with the bathtub..YUCK! I took out the mat, and layed it in the hall, placed on a towel. I was scrubbing it, then I got up to get a new rag. I came back over, and got back on my knees. I look down, and theres this....ear wig..thing crawling around on the floor. It was injured, and NASTY! I have bug-a-phobia, I swear. Lol. but, I killed it. Then, I did all the dishes, (Alot) and then I vacumned. Then, took another shower, and now Im here. hehehe. Time to relax. Finally.

Oh yeah, and after Church, I went to Moms house. While she cleaned the litter box for the kittens, I wrapped three presents for Jenny's new baby. (The wrapped turned out really nice, if I do say so myself.) While I was eating a sandwhich there, or, after I finished, Ravyn jumped onto my lap, and snipped my hand. Then, I pet her back a little, and she licked me! OOH! It was so cute. Ravyn is a cutie, and Phoebe is cute, if only she were more outgoing.

Woopie! I just got a letter from the HP board, and Im accepted. Im off to go start my game.

So, I am talking to this kid, Matt, that I met online almost 6 months ago. And, I guess he was reading my journal (this). Because he quoted something I said.

-I am trying to listen to more Christian music, rather than secular, but with my friends, who listen to Goth music and so on, it's really hard to say, be in the car with them and ask to change it to KLOVE 94.3 (Christian Radio Station). So, I'm trying to take it slow, to allow God to help me change throughout the years. Problem is, I don't want to change, I'm happy the way I am. All I can do is pray that God will first help me to want to change, then actually help me change.-

And then he said : yeah it is hard....i dont really wanna change my life style either naomi tho i do need pretty happy how i i wish i was more like you.....your the best you may not think it but you are.....(i took that out of your if you probably didnt already realize it)

So, I wrote him back an email and said.
<---heh, I didnt know you read my journal. hehe. But I just try to be better..I mean, when we stop striving for perfection, we might as well be dead. Which is not completely true. But its something I keep in mind..because God is perfect...and since he lives in us all, I'd like to make him a perfect place to live..and since he died for me..because he loves me..and then, like, I ignore him all day (in a matter of speaking) its just rude..heh. So yeah. I just try to be better. And Im glad you think so highly of me. :-)

So, I dont know. I think its so cool that people (some people) (barely any people) (maybe only one person) take to heart what I say. Hehe.
We started talking about how I talk to non-believers, some of my friends, and he said its so cool, because sometimes non-believers get mad when they are preached at. I know some do, because I used to be one. But, I try not to preach, I just try to slide in a few things about God when talking to them. I dont know if my friends hate it when I do, if they do, I hope they would tell me. I also hope thats not why me and Eman dont talk quite as much lately, but I doubt it. Hes a good friend, great friend, and I dont think he cares that Im a christian now. "^_^" <--new and improved version, thanks to Matt. IT HAS EARS OR EARMUFFS! lol

Saturday, August 16, 2003

Not much at all to say
Okay, so Crystal just left to go to Jackies house. Shes going to Dans church tomorrow. Im going to our church with Mom, I just hope that I get up! It takes her like a half hour to drag me out of bed! lol. But, I rented "Mulan" and "Rock-a-doodle" with Mom today. They were free. Now Im watching "bedknobs and broomsticks" and I watched See Jane Date on ABC family earlier. Holly Marie Combs was great.

Not much has been happening. Im visiting Dad monday, and Mom is taking us shopping again. We each get a few shirts, and I get a new backpack (CJ already got one). And, Dad is giving my $25.00 to get a new pair of shoes, since mine have a hole in them.. -_-

Ummmm. I made a character for the Harry Potter board. Crystal helped. Shes 11, her name is Laynie Star Yoland. Shes a first year (If I get accepted) I have alot of detail about her.

It was sooo great on See Jane Date, when the guy was talking to her and said:

"Hi Im Grant"
"Hi, Im Jane Grant"
"Oh, cool, were both Grants"
"Well, yeah..."
"So if we got married, you'd be Grant Grant"
"No..I'd still be Jane..."
"Oooh, your on of those woman..."
---janes friend walks into room---
"Ooh, your beautiful"
"Um...yeah, arent you lucky? Two hot girls in one room...Me, and Jane" ---friend
"Careful, feminists dont like that kinda' talk..and whos Jane?"

LOL! I found that to be thouroughly amusing.

Friday, August 15, 2003

Summer Vacation : In my eyes
It was June 6th, 2003 and it was my last day of Junior high school. At the end of that week, on June 12th, Dad had to go to the hospital to get ready for his surgery which was scheduled for June 13th. He got the reverse bypass surgery, and afterward, he was touch and go for a while. The doctors said his tissue inside was very weak and thin and they were unable to give him the gastrul bypass surgery, but luckily, he made it through. For the next 8 weeks, Dad was in the hospital. Sometimes, he had a roommate, other times, he had a private room. He was constantly on medication. Apparently one of them was keeping him alive. But it's now August 15th, and he was just recently moved to a nursing home. He is supposed to stay there for 20 days for healing and things like that. His roommate there is really nice, and his room doesn't smell half as bad as the hallways, which spell of urine. He is able to move around, with his walking stick, and he enjoys sitting in front of the building on the bench, watching cars go by and sometimes smoking a cigarette. He finally got himself down to 5 per day. He told us about one time when he was sitting outside, an older man walked up to him and said "You know, my son works over there and sells cigarettes, he supplies this place with them." My Dad nodded, but about 30 seconds later the man said it again. The man repeated himself 12 times before my Dad said something. "You know, you've told me this story already," he said politely. The man looked at him "Oh, I did? Well, you son," the man said it again. I guess the man had memory loss.
But as for my summer vacation...We haven't done much of anything at all. Crystal and I sit at home all day, watching TV or going online. It's not much of a life, but I'm happy with it. At the beginning of this summer, I felt like I was cursed, like I had it the worst. And throughout the summer, I came to resent my mother, for the time that she called Dad up in the hospital and started yelling at him, saying it has been way too long that he's been in the hospital, acting as if he had control over it. And the times that she refused to drive us places. I resented her for never thanking my Dad for allowing her to use his truck, and for acting like he owed her something for sometimes driving us places. But now, I thank God for what I've got. Most people would get depressed, as I did at first. But I decided I'd like to rise above it all. I decided that I'm lucky enough to have people offering to drive us places, like our downstairs neighbor, Dawn. She is a really nice lady, and seems to want to help out a lot. And Grant, my Dads best friend, who has driven Dad to and from the hospital. And then there's aunt Kathy, who continuously offers to drive us to visit Dad, and who offered to drive us to school. People have been really supportive, and it's great.
Also this summer, Jackie, Julia, and Jill have helped Crystal and me find God. They showed us the truth, and since then, things have been pretty bumpy. But if I listen to what Julia told us, that the Devil is always ready to pounce on us, to leap at every opportunity to lead us away from God, then I need to remember that every obstacle I encounter, I must turn to God for help. Which is really hard, since I cant get immediate results. And then there is the change in lifestyle that I am trying to make. I am trying to listen to more Christian music, rather than secular, but with my friends, who listen to Goth music and so on, it's really hard to say, be in the car with them and ask to change it to KLOVE 94.3 (Christian Radio Station). So, I'm trying to take it slow, to allow God to help me change throughout the years. Problem is, I don't want to change, I'm happy the way I am. All I can do is pray that God will first help me to want to change, then actually help me change. Also, I am trying to show my friends the truth. I don't want to push it, but I cant help but wonder, what if I am the one who is supposed to help them, and if I don't, they wont ever be saved. It's a dramatic thought, but I cant stand the fact that if they died tomorrow, they'd go to hell. So, I talk to them about it, but it's all just empty words. When your on the outside, a non-Christian, things like saying 'just pray to God' or 'God will help' just seem empty. I know, because they were just words when I wasn't a Christian.
So, this summer has been pretty eventful. I dont think I'll ever forget it, and I never want to. I have grown up so much in these last 3 months. And I've learned so much, it's just really crazy. It is experiences like this that make me want to become a writer. I hope that maybe, one of my stories can inspire a kid to be better, just one, and I'd be happy. So, that's my story..^_^

I wrote this, because I am really bored, and it's clear in my mind. I need to start getting back in the groove of things before school starts. You know, WHAT?!

Thursday, August 14, 2003

So, the internet is still here, for whatever reason, Im glad. Now watch, right when I get into doing something fun online, it will go away! I had the weirdest dream last night. We were having a party at Megans house, and um, Jackie, Julia, Jill, Megan, Melissa,Cherise, Emanuel, Tiffany, Crystal, Peter, and I were there. And some other people I dont recall. And, me and Peter didnt talk, because it was, then, he said Hi, and I said hi. Then, he said to me that he liked a new girl, and she liked him, so it was all great. I was like.."oh..okay" and what. (--what is my word...just an expression.)
But anyway, the next thing I know, Im coming downstairs in my new outfit. I walk outside, and they are having a water hose fight..Jackie holds it up, and sprays me..I run inside, like a sissy..Normally, I would go get her back.. But anyway, it was weird. Also, in the dream, Megan had her boyfriend there, and so did Melissa, and Emanuel had a girlfriend at the party.
Oh well!
Life goes on! lol

A few nights ago I was talking to myself..heres what i said.
Me #1:So, I was like Dude!
And she was like, duuude!
so I was like..dude..
and she goes, nah dude!
so we look at eachother,
and we go...sweet!

yes, I am a skitso. ^_^

Wednesday, August 13, 2003

What went wrong?
My downstairs neighbor said she feels soooo sorry for me and CJ. She cant really seem to believe that we've been so...patient, with ourselves all summer. Shannon cant believe were not living with Mom...Me? It's hard, I admit, but me and CJ have gone through stuff like this before...
-The night that triggered the divorce
-Dad broke his hip
-Dad lost his job_s
-Grant was stolen
and just, all that other good stuff. I also admit, this is the worst so far, starting January, and still going on in August, but...I dont know.
I mean, if life kicks me in the butt one time, its the worlds fault. If it kicks me in the butt again, its my fault. All we can do is blame ourselves for the stuff that has happened to us.
I wonder though, do we choose whether we have a perfect life, or is it just by chance?
Broken down
Okay, so, we went shopping with Mom today. I got some new jeans, and a BLACK HOODIE! Boom Baby, a new hoodie! lol. Um, so, on our way home, Mom bought us Subway. When we were leaving, her car wouldnt start. So, we ate it in the car, but even after we finished, it still wouldnt start. So, we sat outside for a half hour while Mom went and called a tow truck. When Mom came back, and said the tow truck was on its way, me and Crystal said we were walking home. And we did. We walked 2 miles, in 90 degree weather! I'm so tired at this point. Then, when Mom got home, she called us (to make sure we were okay), then Dad, and asked to use his truck. He said yes, so she road her bike over here, and got the truck. :;sigh:: Mom has got the truck again...

Also, we got the mail today. Hoffman sent me a letter, saying the Doctor didnt fill out my blood pressure, and that they couldnt send me my schedule and crap unless they got it. So, tomorrow, Crystal has to call the doctor, figure out what it was (because we know they took it) and then, on Friday, we have to go to Hoffman and give them the imformation again, hopefully, at that point we'll get my schedule!
Mid-morning blues
So, tonight at midnight, were supposed to love the internet. Frankly, it doesnt seem like that big of a deal anymore. I dont talk to many people anymore, and whoever I do, we dont have much else to talk about.

I called Peter today, but nobody answered. I just wanted to see whats up, and how hes doing. He hasnt been online in forever! I mean, I only let it ring 3 times, but thats legit...Oh well. Thats life.

Dad didnt come up. He just stopped here, Crystal brought him down a bag of the things he needs, and then he left. That was it. I didnt really expect more, but all the same.

I was arguing with Jackie M today, from school. She was my locker partner, and she IM'd me, and asked who I was crushing on. I told her I used to have a crush on Peter, and she said eww. She said he was dumb, and I said actually, hes really smart, because he is. Then, she continued in saying she thought I hated all the guys at Addams. I was like "Dude, my best friend is a guy!" and shes like, oh, emanuel...eww. I told her me and him dated for like, a day, and she said eww, again. She thinks because her friend dated him, she knows him so well. REALITY CHECK, she doesnt. but oh well, I stuck up for him, I went as far as to admit that he got cute at the end of this year! ^_^

Nip/Tuck today was crazy. And next week looks even crazier. It's like Charmed week though! On Friday, I watched 90210 reunion on FOX, on Saturday, Body Count was on FX, Monday, Alyssa Milano on Intimate Portrait on Lifetime, Tuesday, Nip/Tuck on FX, and Julian McMahon on the Orlando Jones show, and Charmed on TNT. And on this Saturday, Holly Marie Combs in See Jane Date!
KICK BUTT! This is so awesome!

Later today, probably around noon, Im going out with Mom to get a new outfit for school. I fully intend to get a new hoodie and some black jeans, and a t-shirt! But we'll see. Im also buying the Freaky Friday soundtrack. Good stuff.

So, until the next time Im able to post about the pathetic-ness of my life, keep it real my people!

Tuesday, August 12, 2003

Goodbye my Online
So, we only have the internet for 2 more days. CompuServe is trying to say we owe them $300.00, and we dont. Even if we did, we cant afford that. So, we are getting rid of it in 2 days. After that, we have to try to find a new internet company. So, once a week, me and Crystal are going to try and go to the library and get online to check updates on websites, and update ours. Heh.
I found out my orientation is the 21st and 22nd. Im probably going the 21st. I hope to see Kim B. there, and maybe some other people. ^_^
And then, Dad called at 9:30pm tonight, and was mad at me, CJ woke me up, and he said I have to get offline at 12:00!! Yeah, right. We have 2 days left of internet, and he expects me to get off that early. Just because yesterday I stayed on until 5:00 am. He even said I can stay up as late as I want, just not online. So, tomorrow, CJ is waking me up at 10:00 am, actually today, since its 1:50am. But, oh well. Dad is stopping home to get a few things before he goes to the nursing home. ::sigh:: And then, he was asking about the Atkins Diet. I told him, no carbs. He asked about my grapefruit juice, and I said no, sugar and fruit...He was acting like he knew it all, he said just cutting down on bread would do it..Oh well, whatever.

Sunday, August 10, 2003

After a long await, a good mood comes.
So today was good. This morning, Church was really funny. It was about sex and lust and things like that. They told us about this billboard with Hooters, and these sleezy woman on it, and it said "Made ya' look." Me personally, I found the concept funny, but I know its wrong. And apparantly nobody else found it funny since I was the only one was laughed.

After church, me and crystal were home for an hour or two, then Crystal called Jackie and then, Jackie picked us up, and we went to her house. At 5:15, Jackie, Julia, Jacob, Tony, Crystal, Melissa, and I went to see Freaky Friday. It was really good. We all seemed to like it alot.

So, after that, we went back to Jackie, Julias, and Jacobs house, and hung out for an hour, while Julia got dressed like a "punk." And Dan came over too. So, after that, we went out to eat. It was funny. Lots of jokes. Good times. Then, we went to the icecream place, and Crystal got a smoothie. We sat in the parking lot for awhile. I talked about shoes in the But then we had to go home, so Julia drove us. On the way home, I asked her about "gays" and christianity. I didnt get why it was so frowned upon..I didnt get why a gay person couldnt be a christian, and I found it wrong...But, she explained it, and after she did, it all clicked. We talked about a few other things, and it clicked. I like the way she explains things, because she doesnt make the "asker" feel stupid, like giving the "oh-you-should-have-known-look." Which is good.

And Dan wasnt mean today. I didnt really talk to him, I never actually have, but just, the few times I did talk to him, he seemed rude and like a hypocrite. But today, (even though we didnt talk) he didnt make a rude comment about me, which was nice. Lol, he only did once, as a joke, but hey, I take offence.

Overall, I feel really good tonight.
Me and Eman are talking right now, best buds. Lol, if he reads this, he'll think "Hah! Yeah right.." ^_^. Were both like, way closer than we ever were before. Im so glad! YIPPEE!

XXCrimsonCryXX:, whatchu' doin' now?
beyonddeath82: i dont know
beyonddeath82: im sitting down talking to you
XXCrimsonCryXX: Oh....okay.
XXCrimsonCryXX: Poor you.
beyonddeath82: []
XXCrimsonCryXX: ::hugs:: []
beyonddeath82: ::feels alot better::[]
XXCrimsonCryXX: [] Good good.
beyonddeath82: this is great
XXCrimsonCryXX: What is?
beyonddeath82: usualy when best friends go out break up and try to become friends again it never works... but we've never been closer
beyonddeath82: i love it
XXCrimsonCryXX: Yeah, me too.
beyonddeath82: so its good all that happend
XXCrimsonCryXX: Tis true, you were right again.
beyonddeath82: its one of those i love you as a friend
XXCrimsonCryXX: Yes, and as Im sure, and hope you know, I love you as a friend too.
beyonddeath82: awsome

Isnt that great!? It's so great. Lol. Well, Im all out of things to babble about, not really. I never am. But all the same, right now, Life is Good!

Well, oh yeah. There was something else I wanted to type. This dream I was kinda' telling her about. Over dinner. I just didnt tell her because I didnt want to say it to the whole table, too many eyes watching.

So, in the dream:
I am kneeling before this dark, slender thing and it is standing on this stage. About 6 inches off the ground. The room is dark, the only light is that of a few dim lit candles spread around the stage. The dark hooded thing looked toward me, and said bluntly "You Father will die." Next part of the dream, Im walking into our home, from the front door. I walk into the house, and yell out "Hey Dad" But nobody answers. I walk into the kitchen, where Dad always is when I get home from school. But this time, hes not there. I walk into his room, and hes still in bed from that morning. I walk closer to the bed, and call at him to get up. I have the feeling in my heart that something is wrong. I shake him lightly, they I find myself shaking him crazily, to get him to wake up, but he wont. He was dead. Crystal was still at school, so I was left, laying on his floor, in his room, crying. Then, the dream kinda' zoomed out, as if it were a movie, zooming out at the end. I woke up, and let out a scream kinda'. I started crying..The next week, Dad went to the hospital.

So then, a month or so after that dream, I had another just like it. Except this time, the dark hooded thing said "Your sister will die, just as your Dad, then it will continue." I woke up after that, but it was really scary. I thought Dad and Crystal and Mom would die, and I would be alone. I told Crystal about the dreams, and she was freaked out too.

Thursday, August 07, 2003

Goodness. I am trying so hard to not snap right now. My head has been throbbing all day! Since like, 20 minutes after I woke up. Then the stupid dentist was so...not nice! So, my mouth hurts. And my throat is really sore. I feel like Im going to throw up. And to top it off, Crystal is getting on my nerves. I mean, I told her that Blagoyavitch (definately spelled wrong) -our govenor- made tongue splitting illegal, because I found it funny that someone would actually cut their tongue. Then, she starts acting like its a big deal, taking away free will...and that if someone wants to cut their tongue in half to look like a snake, so be it. IT WAS TO MAKE HER LAUGH!!! Geez.
And I havent written a poem in forever it feels like. I dont know what to write about. I feel like I've overdone this alone, like sucks, I wanna' die thing. And I wrote a few poems about God, but since I did, I havent gotten much of any feedback on my site. I dont know.
So, everything lately makes me want to cry. Some of it isnt even sad, I think my emotions are running very high right now, heh.
I want to shut down like all my sites because it seems like nobody goes to them. But, I love making my sites...I think the fact that nobody goes to my site doesnt make me want to update as much as possible anymore. Is there even a point?
I made a new site. It have my fan fiction on it.

A Fans Fiction -my site-
And even though I know that nobody is going there, I like to have a place to put my stories, and marvel in my work! LEAVE ME ALONE! -skitso me-

Sunday, August 03, 2003

So I slept over at Megans all weekend. It was fun. I insulted her music very often. Lol. I dont think she minded that much though. And on the 1st of September, I think thats the Sunday, well, Im gragging her and her sister, Melissa, to my Church. Melissa doesnt mind, I think she wants to, but Megan, well, I dont think she wants to at all. But, too bad! Hehe. So it was fun on Friday night we called Emanuel and kinda' messed with his head. Him and Megan flirt alot... And they talk about...odd things. Its funny. I didnt say much on the phone. But at the end of the conversation I told him Megan liked him, and he says "Well, you know how bad it gets when friends date." LOL! That was funny. And then, when her Dad was driving me home this morning, my downstairs neighbor had dead-bolted the door, so I was locked out! I had to go to breakfast with them, and then to their Dads house. It wasnt bad, but I felt bad. Having to tag along and all. They didnt seem to mind, but I really dont know.
Um, yeah. But now, Im sick. I have a small fever. My head hurts sooo bad. Its pounding. Right when I got home, I took a shower, then took a 5 hour nap...hehe. Im still really tired.
Well, Dad is okay. Tomorrow he has a GI test. (Gastric Intestine). I dont know what that does. Something like, seeing whats stopping something. ::sigh:: I hope so bad that hes out by the time school starts. He told the doctors that. He said he also wants to do something with us for atleast the end of summer. :-But yeah. Im tired, and sick of typing. I dont know what else to say.
Oh yeah! Friday afternoon, the hail was sweet! It was 1 inch diameter! Beautiful! Crystal went out in it, with the went inside out..Lol. So she was pelted in the head with the hail. Good times.