Friday, October 31, 2003

Coming Clean
I talked to Theo and Jennifer today. Jennifer did not talk about it, I know that. I asked her and she cleared her situation up with me. But Theo still hasnt come clean. I bugged him alot about the notes. He doesnt know that I read the first one. He's supposed to call me tomorrow. The only reason I havent told him I know yet is because I want to see how long it takes for him to come clean.
The David Crowder concert is tonight. Im excited.
I wore dark lipstick today, and he says "your lips look good" lol! I was like....okay
And then I later took it off, and he asked why, i said because, and he said "you looked pretty with it on" and i was like..gee, thanks?! lol

Thursday, October 30, 2003

I feel like crying so bad right now. Theres a huge lump in my throat....Theo and Jennifer, and maybe even Colin, but I dont know, think Im pushing it too much with religion...I thought the point of being a christian was to talk to others about our faith...I only talked to Theo about it like..two times and I gave him a poem I wrote for Colin that kinda reminded me of him.
Outspoken Truth
Dazed and confused
Looking for a part-time God
For their own private use
Too scared
To put on a public display
To show their affection
For the God to which they pray
Dazed and confused
Religion is not only skin deep
Not for personal use
God is not some secret that your supposed to keep
You are not alone
When things go bad, He will come through
The important thing to remember
Is that God is watching over you
You dont have to be dazed and confused
Looking for some God for your own personal use
Only praying when things go wrong
Worshipping Him when you dont belong
Trying to deny the faith you feel
Always trying to make some deal
Never willing to go all the way
Never will you for the God to which you pray
You dont seem to see that religion is not only skin deep
And that God is not some secret that your supposed to keep.

And Colin liked it..and Theo said he didnt get it. And then, I later find that Theo and Jennifer have been talking to Crystal about me...why didnt they just come to me?! I know how I react when they do..I just apologize alot and stop talking about it..for a few weeks...or whatever. But they didnt even try talking to me! AND jennifer talks to me about it too! Im just really upset. Theo says he doesnt want to hurt my feelings by telling me to stop talking about it, but he hurt my feelings by not telling just shows me how much he doesnt know me...were such good friends now, but..we havent gotten to know eachother.....I dont know what to do!
::tear runs down cheek::
I wonder if Eman feels the same way?
((I think I was best off when I stayed away from people and stuck with myself))
Also, Theo was kinda' mad because I dont like Colin but I talk to him...I do because Colins being cool now, and he talks to me...Im not the kinda' person to brush someone off if they come to, its hard to explain..but I know Colin is into some trouble and he wants to why would I turn my back on him if he needs help?
Ah, and Sarah informs me now she thinks I talk about religion too much also........

Tuesday, October 28, 2003

20 minutes into first block
Today was not a good day. I felt sick...all week, so, I took medicine this morning. 2 pamprin, 2 vitamin C, centrum, 2 cold pills, and 1 vicadin....I got to school and I felt alright. But in 1st block, we were doing a worksheet and I felt horrible. My stomach was turning..and I was sweating really bad. After Mr. Anderson finished talking I was going to ask if I could go to the nurse, he finished and asked us to pass up our papers. I turned around to get the paper behind me, and I threw up! IVE NEVER THROWN UP IN PUBLIC BEFORE! ahh. I felt so bad..I kept saying sorry. Dad picked me up from school and I came home sick. The only reason I went to school was because I had to be in school for finals week, to get my reviews and stuff...but, i had to come home anyway. hah. I still feel really sick, I ate soup, but I regret it now. :-\

Thursday, October 23, 2003

I am really mad. Apparantly Jake, Emanuels friend (a kid I once liked) wants to come to youth group. I know Jake kinda', not too well, but as far as I cant see, hes not the kinda kid who would like youth group. I mean, everyone is welcome, but...I think Emanuel like..told him that we just hang out and stuff. Since Emanuel didnt get much out of it last time...He is really, really starting to bug me!!!! He wont listen..when I asked him where he was on his path with God..he said "Huh?"
me- Where do you stand? (religious wise)
him-im nothing, but im becoming christian
me-do you know what christians believe?
him-no, but i can learn cant just learn, you have to feel the faith in God and the love for Him
--Emanuel changes the subject--
AHH! Then, he tries to act like he didnt ask me out last night and stuff. Says, you just wanna be friends, so thats all we'll be. Im not mad that he doesnt wanna date me now, Im mad that hes playing games! HES SO PISSING ME OFF! I want to cry! I dont want him to come to youth group, I dont want him to talk to me, I want to erase him from my life! He wont listen, he doesnt even seem to care about religion, and I think he wants me to be like i used to be. He doesnt seem to understand I changed, and religion is a huge, if not the biggest, part of my life!!!!!!
AHH! Now he IM'd me again..GREAT!
Taken Aback
Eman asked me out again last night..i didnt know what to say! I mean, at times, I'd regret saying no the first time..but...hes not christian, and I want to date a christian, if i date anyone. And the way he acts around his other friends..well, I hate it. Then, I wonder why God had this happen right when I wanted so bad to be closer to Him. I've heard other stories, where people got really frusterated because they took certain things as being a distraction..when in the end it turned out to be the thing that drew them closer to Him. I dont want to turn away from this because it may be that thing that draws me to Him. Then, I wonder...what if its the thing that pushes me away?! WHAT SHOULD I DO?!

Tuesday, October 21, 2003

Suicidal thoughts? NO!
I got in trouble in art club today....One of my note pads that I made had a hanging from Hangmans Curse...And Mrs. Certs didnt know who made it, and she didnt print up my copies.So I asked her why, and she took my outside of the class and asked me if I needed psychological help... And she asked if "Love life" I was does..I swear, she was like, freaking out.
Oh well...............
Eman and Jakie were talking last night..alot. Lol He apparantly stole her nickname for me "Nay" so she has to make a new one..LOL FUNNY! no.. ::looks down:: not really

Thursday, October 16, 2003

The titles are so clear
I looked at the couch today, and I could have sworn I saw Tobi. I really felt like crying afterward.

Crystal and Mom are leaving for the retreat tomorrow. I cant go to school because I have no ride home. Mom's leaving at 1:00pm and Dad has a doctors appointment at 2:00 or something.

Um. I want to write. The thoughts are all there. All the ideas, clear in my head. But everything is distracting me. Tracie stole my fire. Hers is burning bright. Her recent poems are so great. Personally, I think they're her best yet. I gotta' learn to focus, otherwise I wont get anything done.

Tuesday, October 14, 2003

Stuffed Dog
Sometimes at night, I think about that day.
And images of his last minutes blur inside my head.
Until they become very clear.
These images haunt me in my woken hours,
Not only in my slumber.
Sometimes, I think I see him.
I later realize it was all in my head.
I get hallusinations.
More often now than ever before.
At night, I think about the day my life hit bottom,
and there was no ladder to help me out
No person around to help me up the steps to sanity
I was all alone.
Its almost always been this way,
But atleast before I had him.
To cry with and hug in my darkest hours.
He was my light
At night, I think about that day. And it makes me scared to think Im alone,
Engulfed in darkness, with nothing to hug
But a stuffed animal wearing his green and black striped winter sweater
At night, I think about that day, and,
I never want the morning to come
Because at night, if I happen to fall asleep,
Hes there.
And I dont want to ever leave.
The pain when I awake, knowing hes not there, is unable to bare.
And doing that every morning is ludicrous.
At night, I think about that day.
And I cant help but wear myself down and cry.

Monday, October 13, 2003

Worn down
Im really...tired. Physically, yes, but more so Im emotionally tired. Per say. Its like, I seem to be myself again. My friends and family probably think Im A-Okay. Its weird though. Its like, Im putting on an act. Or, Im burrying the pain...Because when Im alone, or get too deep in hurts so bad. Nobody knows... To be honest, I think Im going to snap. Because ontop of putting in so much effort to seem normal, I cant handle all the little distractions. Its like one more thing happens, and Ill crack. And, dont get me wrong. Im not trying to act normal..Its hard to say. Like, subconciously, I have to meet peoples expectations. I have to be okay. For Dads sake if not mine. And I feel like I have nobody to turn to for help anymore. I have people in my life...but I cant really..turn to them. Im not close enough to them. Its may be my fault, but thats beside the point. Im exausted and I cant take the way my life is going anymore. It takes sooo much effort to pray..or turn to God. Like, it litterally makes me want to cry...I dont know what to do anymore.

Saturday, October 11, 2003

It was so weird. Everyone totally loved him! Jackie wants him to come back every week! Ryan had so much fun talking to him. They got nicknames, new funny ways to walk, and funny words to say now! Ahh! Its crazy. But it was fun. Eman came over to my house, for the first time, and that was weird. But it all turned out okay. I think hes going to start cominh regularly now.

Its so nice. its an LG. And, its so fun. Lol. The only thing I cant figure out is how to record a 4 minute message...I think its a ring tone thing. I only know about it because Alyssa had it. Me and her were seeing how long we could record. I DONT KNOW! lol

Dad is doing okay. He hurts quite a bit though. But I think its all the moving. His body is pretty much used to just laying down and resting, and now hes moving and doing things. Hes probably pushing it too far, and we gotta' slow him down a bit. We'll see.

Friday, October 10, 2003

Something has been bothering me alot lately. Last week after youth group, me and Ryan were debating about animals...I think they go to Heaven. He says theyre just here for us to eat. As you know, Tobi recently died. Not to mension my other pets, Duki, Koko (hamsters), Tiger and Sheva (cats), and Grant (dog) are all gone...And if it says in the bible that Heaven is perfect....then for me, that means my pets and family will all be there. I know that the only thing that brought me back to my path with God was the mere thought that I'll get to see Tobi again...I dont know. I have to keep my faith intact that Im right, but, I'll never REALLY know.

Peter never says 'hi' in the hall as we said we would. I IM'd him a few times and tried to make friends again. I dont think hes interested though. The problem is, he seems so legit when I talk to him, but afterward, its was all, I dont know, fake. Just words to please people.

Thursday, October 09, 2003


Soo. Things have been so weird lately. At some points of the day, I'll see things in slow motion, litteraly, and I'll get dizzy, or incredibly tired...I've never felt like this before. And something, In the middle of class, or in the middle of nothing...I'll see stuff in my head. Like, weird things. Its hard to explain.

Crystal might have a bladder infection...we dont know yet. And Dad's not coming home today (thursday) as planned. They pushed it off to Saturday.

I saw a movie (Dickie Roberts) yesterday with Eman and Crystal. Eman got so much taller than I remember! Craziness! And then, after the movie, we were all standing outside, waiting for our rides to pick us up, and me and eman were standing by eachother on the stairs and Crystal was staring at us. She said I looked goth.. (not really relevant) but she also said we looked like a couple..WEIRD OR WHAT?! lol. Oh well

I might not join Lit Mag. I really want to...but it just seems I dont have the time. My friends Tracie and Theo say I should join Coffee club. Tracie is pushing me and encouraging me to. It seems kinda' fun, but I dont know..recite poems and hear other poets speak and get recognized by my peers, or publish my work in a magazine and helf design the magazine??? Who knows?!!?

Ummm. Yeah. Im so stressed, I think Im completely delusional. Whos to really say though?

Monday, October 06, 2003

Such a bad day
Me and Jennifer were standing in the cafeteria, and this sophmore (I think) comes up to us and asks us if we want to go out with him. I say "Are you kidding me?" And he says no, and looks back, so I look where he was, and his friends were sitting a table laughing.
Geez, last year I was mean and everyone should have hated me, (some did...alot did) but alot also tried to make friends with me. This year, I try to be nice, and they do crap like that! AHH!
Makes me so mad!
And today is Dads birthday, and hes still in the hospital. And I was so tired today because I was up half the night crying about Tobi...and I had to do swimming today and either the swim cap or the cloriene gave me the worst headache, which, by the way, is still in occurance now.

Shoot me once, and I wont die
Shoot me twice and I wont cry
But shoot me a third, and I cant survive

Thursday, October 02, 2003

I dont know.
Dad isn't coming home this week. They found a liquid near his heart, and they need to drain it....and he is so depressed..his birthday is monday...and its so sad. He was crying last night because hes so depressed...

School is so hard right now..I think I just cant concentrate...but still. It's all getting piled on. My grades are slipping in Biology and World History! It stinks so bad.