Wednesday, July 30, 2003

I am so worried about Dad. He has a fever and was apparantly throwing up all day. He was too weak, or, out of it, to talk at all today. I dont know. But Im also worried about the fact that he most likely wont be better by the time school starts. In less than a month! I mean, if hes not, me and Crystal have to leave the house at 5:45 in the AM!!! It will just really stink. I hope so bad that Dad gets better by then.
Im glad that me and Megan are friends again. And Emanuel, Im glad hes not mad at me. lol. It was funny in this chatroom, me and this girl, Sarah, (Emanuels friend) were fighting. She had held a grudge against me for like, 6 months, because my friend called her a poser, and I laughed. Oh well, I found it funny.
So, life has been so boring lately. There is nothing to talk about anymore. And it stinks.

Sunday, July 27, 2003

So I went to church, and it was pretty cool. After church James asked everyone if we wanted to go to his house for a BBQ. I didnt, because I was tired, but Jill and Jackie said I had to, so I said fine, I'll go. But at the last minute, their mom, my aunt kathy, said forget it...And my mom had already left, so my cousin Julia had to drive us home, which is such a burden.. I know. And then, I get home, and Dads gone already. He had to go back to the hospital...We found out when Crystal called him from Church to tell him about the BBQ. Anyway, hes gone now, and we dont even know how he got there. I dont know how severe his condition is. I for one though he was doing better. So now Im just so..mad! I dont want to be mad, but Im mad that my Dad is still not better, and Im mad that my first year of highschool is now going to be messed up because of this..I dont get to ride the bus like normal kids..If I do, my Dad has to drive me to the bus stop! I cant ever really make close friends because I cant hang out after school and stuff. ::long sigh:: Oh well...this is my life..
And Emanuel has gotten me so stressed...I want to be his friend! What I dont get is why he didnt tell anyone else about his brother...Megan had no idea, and neither did Tiffany...And then he says he has to think about it!!!!!! Made me so mad..I thought I meant more to him than this..I guess not.
And he just IM'd me, said he thought about it, lets see what he says.
beyonddeath82: i've thought about it
XXCrimsonCryXX: OKay
XXCrimsonCryXX: And?
beyonddeath82: i never want to see you again
XXCrimsonCryXX: what?!
beyonddeath82: kidding
beyonddeath82: i want to be friends again
XXCrimsonCryXX: Good...but how come you had to think about it?
beyonddeath82: i had to go to bed
XXCrimsonCryXX: I see

(So this is it..Im still kinda' hurt that he had to think..and things are alot different now..but..atleast were friends, right?!)
Right now, all Im concerened about is Dad...should I be worried?
XXCrimsonCryXX: dont have to talk..but I'm sorry about Tiffany and Megan interrogating you..or whatever it was they said. but...I dont know..I dont know why Im sorry...but...I am...Ill tell them to leave you alone, as I am..Its just they were mad because I was hurt..but oh well..So..Um, Bye..I guess
beyonddeath82: no bye
XXCrimsonCryXX: ...?
beyonddeath82: i dont even know what you tripping about
XXCrimsonCryXX: What? Im not tripping.....what are you talking about?
beyonddeath82: i havent been talking to you because i've been busy
XXCrimsonCryXX: Its not only that..........if you ever listened to someone for a change, you'd have known
beyonddeath82: well im sorry
XXCrimsonCryXX: How can you be sorry?! You dont even know what Im mad about
beyonddeath82: well you know im got alot in my head right now
XXCrimsonCryXX: As if I dont?!
beyonddeath82: well is your brother dieing
beyonddeath82: yeah he has 2 weeks
beyonddeath82: ok
XXCrimsonCryXX: Okay. And I said sorry, and I tried to be there for you numerous times..but all you do is push me away..and My Dad is still dying! GEEZ!
beyonddeath82: now tell me whats the matter
XXCrimsonCryXX: Well, as I said..Im trying to be here for you...and well, you dont want me to I guess..and you rudely tell me your looking for a g/f..and your just being a jerk, which is completely understandle..but..I dont know
XXCrimsonCryXX: understandable*
beyonddeath82: i want you there desperatly but im not use to having ppl on my side and im sorry for that and your right i do want a gurl friend. someone who can care for me above it all. thats pritty much it but if im being a " jerk " thats not my problem
XXCrimsonCryXX: Okay.....I dont have much to say to that
beyonddeath82: really now
XXCrimsonCryXX: Yes, really...
XXCrimsonCryXX: ::sigh::
XXCrimsonCryXX: Alright..well, sorry..
beyonddeath82: its not your fault
XXCrimsonCryXX: Apparantly it is.
XXCrimsonCryXX: Okay then...good luck on the g/f search...and, Im sorry about your brother.. (theres not much I can say to make you feel better) and..I suppose thats it..
beyonddeath82: one more thing
XXCrimsonCryXX: Okay..
beyonddeath82: im sorry about your father
XXCrimsonCryXX: Hes doing okay now..kinda...but dont worry about it, its not of your concern..
beyonddeath82: for your information i am concerned about him
beyonddeath82: i dont want anyone to die
XXCrimsonCryXX: Well, dont be.
beyonddeath82: my god
XXCrimsonCryXX: What?!
beyonddeath82: im being a jerk
XXCrimsonCryXX: No
XXCrimsonCryXX: Not right now
beyonddeath82: no yuo
XXCrimsonCryXX: I am. Okay? yes, Im the selfish, bitch! I KNOW! Geez. Im the herk
beyonddeath82: i show the slitest compassion and you turn it around in my face
XXCrimsonCryXX: jerk*
XXCrimsonCryXX: No
XXCrimsonCryXX: Well, yes I did.
XXCrimsonCryXX: But Escuse me for being hurt for like a freaking week, and still being a bit mad!
XXCrimsonCryXX: Listen..I didnt mean to be a bitch..Im sorry...
beyonddeath82: no
XXCrimsonCryXX: No..what?
beyonddeath82: it doesnt matter how hard i try to make things right to anyone. they all just take my sorries and shit like that and kick me in the ass with them
XXCrimsonCryXX: Thats not what Im trying to do Emanuel.
XXCrimsonCryXX: I just thought that you didnt want to be my friend anymore..I kinda thought you liked Megan..Im sorry.
beyonddeath82: no
beyonddeath82: i did awile ago
XXCrimsonCryXX: Well, I thought you did recently..
beyonddeath82: no
beyonddeath82: what the hell gave you that idea
XXCrimsonCryXX: My paranoid self...
beyonddeath82: plus you know megan has a b/f
XXCrimsonCryXX: I know.
XXCrimsonCryXX: But they are going to be only friends...I figured you knew
beyonddeath82: why would that matter if i liked her anyway
XXCrimsonCryXX: I dont think that matters...why it would matter..
beyonddeath82: exactly
XXCrimsonCryXX: Exactly what?
beyonddeath82: I DONT KNOW
XXCrimsonCryXX: I mean its not of your concern as to why it would matter ot me if you liked Megan! geez
XXCrimsonCryXX: to*
beyonddeath82: ok
XXCrimsonCryXX: Okay then...
XXCrimsonCryXX: Are we still friends, or not?
beyonddeath82: i dont even know anymore
XXCrimsonCryXX: Do you even want to be?
beyonddeath82: i do
XXCrimsonCryXX: So do I..
beyonddeath82: and again i'll say this
beyonddeath82: i want to be your friend forever
XXCrimsonCryXX:, how about we just forget this last conversation ever happened? friends?
beyonddeath82: you can say that but it will always be in your head
beyonddeath82: just knowing that it did really happen
XXCrimsonCryXX: Tis true..
XXCrimsonCryXX: Well, what do you purpose we do about it then?
beyonddeath82: i dont know
XXCrimsonCryXX: Well...we could not be friends...or..just..pretend were friends but never really weve been doing for awhile..
beyonddeath82: god i need to think
XXCrimsonCryXX: ::blink::
XXCrimsonCryXX:, IM me or something when you have a..decision then...
beyonddeath82: give me your email address
beyonddeath82: well im going now
XXCrimsonCryXX: then..
beyonddeath82: bye and good night
XXCrimsonCryXX: night

(Conversation with Emanuel today...)
Im glad though, because me and Megan are talking again, and everything is out in the open. Its cool. We are hanging out later this week. And I made a new friend. I think her name is Ashley. Shes cool. And I am really upset about Emanuel because that really was not cool. ::shakes head:: not cool...But I had fun at Aunt jennys...Me and Jill hung out all day, and in 5 hours Im supposed to get up for And I feel so sick, I know...Im going to barf so soon.. And Isabel is so cute! But Mom didnt go with. She was too tired or something, and we dont actually have a ride to church, because she worked tonight and might be too tired..

Saturday, July 26, 2003

Where's my friends?
It stinks that nobody knows, or dont remember, that today, 3 years ago, Grant was stolen. I went to sleep this morning at 6:00am and got up at 12:00. I had alot of trouble sleeping, and I had a dream about Grant. I also had a dream about Emanuel, but thats for me to know...Lol. So Aunt Kathy is coming here in a half hour to take us to aunt Jennys to see her NEW BEAUTIFUL PERFECT new house...With a Jacuzii (definately spelled incorrectly). And yeah. I dont want to go, because Jackie and Julia always harp at me to eat something, mostly Jackie. Dont they get that sometimes, Im just not hungry! Geez! Its so rude, and annoying. But oh well. I told Crystal that I think Megan and Emanuel want to get together, shes like "Forget them!" Because neither of them talk to me anymore, and even though Megan tries alot, we have nothing to talk about anymore...So it just sucks. I have nobody to talk to except Crystal. And we fight alot now. Forever Friend, WHERE ARE YOU?!
Site Updating...
Oops! Havent updated in awhile...BECAUSE I made ALL these NEW sites...!
My Charmed site
My Shannen : Prue site
My Holly : Piper site
My Alyssa : Phoebe site
My Rose : Paige site
My Charmed Men site
My Gilmore Girls site
My Alexis : Rory site
My Lauren : Lorelai site
So aside from that, Emanuel is in search of a girlfriend..I have a feeling him and Megan kind of want to go out with eachother, but since i practically never talk to neither of them anymore, I dont intend to ask either of them. And as for Peter...well, theres nothing there. He is never online. And the last time he was, I said have a nice summer, meaning we probably wont talk all summer. And I doubt we'll talk if we ever see eachother in school. Since were both so paranoid, we wouldnt say "hi" even if we wanted too. But maybe, if I lose all the weight I intend to, he'll be in shock, and say right. Yeah, I dont eat anymore...I did yesterday, and I made myself barf..Yuck, tasted bad. And we had no gum, I later found out, after regurgitating..Heh. Blah.

Monday, July 21, 2003

My new *Wish List*
1)Teen Witch -movie-
2)The Labyrinth -movie-
3)The Lost Boys -movie-
4)New Charmed Calander
5)GroundHogs Day -movie-
6)16 Candles -movie-
7)Happily Ever After -movie-
8)Little Nemo: Adventures in Slumberland -movie-
9)Forbidden Doors 9-12 -books-
10)A new journal
11)Mulan -movie-

Sunday, July 20, 2003

So life has been pretty crazy lately.Dad came home yesterday...I feel like saying today, but its actually past midnight. Heh. But yeah. I went to youth group, and spent the day with Jackie, Jill, Dan (Jackie b/f) and Crystal. Dan is cool, but I think he hates me. Because, everyone was hot (tempature wise) and Crystal says to me "Geez Naomi, you look really hot." And Dan goes "I dont think she looks hot." Then Crystal was harping at him, saying she resented that for me. He said he was just joking, but ouch! And Jackie said 4 times what a hassle it was to come pick me up for youth group. I felt so..wanted! Hah. But yeah. Youth group was kind of dissapointing. All we did was watch Les Miserables. Which was cool, but for meeting so rarely, it was like, a waste of time. Oh well.
Ever since I got my filling on Friday, my head has hurt so bad! Geez. Its crazy. Put me in a really bad mood tonight. Bringing me to another sister (as Ive observed) is like, really rude to her friends. Gives them attitude, and insists on being right all the time. But they are such good friends to her! Now me, I think that Im pretty nice to my friends...yeah, I give sarcasm, but they all know its a joke, and I can be serious....I hope they know that..but anyway, when I turn to my friends for help, they dont really seem to be there. What is that?! Now, Emanuels brother is in the hospital, and hes not talking to me, at all. I asked him if hes okay, hes like "no". So ya' know, I tried to be nice, make him feel better...I said that my family is praying for his brother, and he just needs to turn to God. He just said ok, and basically left. I dont know...I know those are empty words, but without him talking to me, I cant really explain why I would say that or something. I dont know what to do anymore. Crystal is also getting on my last nerve. Everytime I so merely as mention Charmed, she bites my head off. If I disagree with anything she says, shes like, shut up! I spent $80.00 on her birthday presents, and then she bought me $20.00 worth of books 2 months after my birthday, and is given the right to be a total butthead to me. I dont get it. Shouldnt she be nice to me. Be thankful. She barely even said thankyou! Gosh.
So, with the friends that I have...whom in which I havent had an actual conversation with for over 2 weeks...I dont want to complain anymore to them. And I am trying so hard to turn to God to help me, but its hard when I have no immediate christian by my side to push me along. Crystal has Jackie and Dan. Jackie has her whole entire family..And I dont know any other christians...Crystal also has Brendan... and Michelle and Sarah from youth group. Why does everyone love her? Do they just love the fact that shes mean to them?!!!! AHH!

Tuesday, July 15, 2003

Your Ideal Guy Is

Who's Your Ideal Disney Guy?
brought to you by Quizilla
You're Chocolate Frogs. You probably have a lot of friends, because most everyone likes you. You're sweet and intelligent. Congratulations!
Chocolate Frogs

Which Harry Potter Candy are you?
brought to you by Quizilla
you are hot...jk..Linka is though....

Who are you in Captain Planet?
brought to you by Quizilla

Sunday, July 13, 2003

1. What do you most like about your body? My hair
2. And least: Um..everything else
3. How many fillings do you have: 1
4. Do you think you're good looking: Not at all
5. Do other people often tell you that you're good looking: Never, no.
6. Do you look like any celebrities: order to look like a celebrity, Id have to be semi decent...
[ Fashion ]
1. Do you wear a watch: Nope
2. How many coats and jackets do you own: Errr...2 jackets, and 2 coats
4. Most expensive item of clothing: Um, this black skirt...
5. What kind of shoes do you wear: Anything that costs less that $20
6. Describe your style in one word: artsy

[ Other ]
1. Favorite band ever: TRUSTcompany
3. Do you find any musicians good-looking: Indeed I do
4. Can you play an instrument: Partly guitar, and some of keyboard..
5. Type of music listened to: Mostly rock, but I like most all other music really..just not rap..
6. Type never listened to: I listen to all music
7. Favorite book: When Jeff comes Home by Catherine Atkins

[ General Questions ]
1. Whom do you believe is the smartest man alive at the moment: such thing
2. What do you prefer, a sunny or rainy day: Depends on my mood
3. Do you consider yourself lucky: Yeah..Im alive, what more can I ask for?
4. Do you feel pity for people who commit suicide: No
5. Choose one word to describe how you feel most often: Confused

[ Stuff ]
1. Do you own any plaid clothing : Yes
2. Do you own Converse shoes : No
3. Do you own Saucony shoes : No
4. Do you own old school Nikes : No
5. Do you wear tight pants : No
6. Is there more than one zipper in your pants: Yes
7. Do you know what a squatter flap is: No
8. Do you own a messenger bag: No
9. Do you wear your messenger bag across your chest:..No
10. Do you own braces: No. I wish I did...
11. Are braces worn anywhere besides the mouth : I dont know...
12. Do you have short, shaggy hair: No...
13. Does your hairstyle exceed a height of 3 inches: height? no..Dude, I dont live in the 80's...too bad too..
14. Would you classify your hair as a deadly weapon : No
15. Do you think mohawks are "neat": Depends
16. Is your hair black or red: Well...naturally red..
17. Do you have a favorite brand of hair dye: Herbal Essences I guess
18. Do you own a bandana: Yes
19. Do you wear plugs in your ears: No
20. Are you amused by safety pins: Hah, yes, very much so.
21. have you ever used duct tape as a sewing substitute: Probably sometime in my life...
22. Do you own one or more objects with studs or spikes in them: Yeah..

[ Habits/Beliefs ]
25. Are you disgruntled: ...No...
26. Are you an anarchist: Partially
27. Does the American flag anger you: No.
30. Do you dislike Hot Topic: that its just as popular as all the other stores..yeah..but I like the clothes still
34. vegetarian?: No
35. Do you think meat is murder: At times, yes.
36. Do your nighttime activities usually involve drunken underage vomiting : No.
37. Have you ever slept in an alley or park: No.
38. Do you wash your hair less than once a week: No..
39. Have you ever gone a week without a shower: No, Im lucky like that.
40. Have you ever been avoided due to your odor: I hope not...
41. Do you know who Jack Kerouac is: No
42. Do you like Mr. Kerouac: And that is...?
43. Should Mumia Abu-jamal be freed from prison: sure, why not? lol
44. Are you a member of the Makeout Club: No, I proudly admit, I am not.
45. Do you say "rad": On occasion...the reaction on others face is just priceless! ^_^

When was the last time you.....
Smiled: hour or so ago..
Laughed: um, a few hours ago
Cried: Err..4 nights ago
Bought something: Um. 3 days ago..Got the Alice in Wonderland CD! Haha
Danced: Never would I ever!
Were sarcastic: Um, 20 minutes ago.
Kissed someone: Never
Talked to an ex: Never had one....
Watched your favorite movie: A month or so ago.
Had a nightmare: Last night
Last book you read: Err..Harry Potter 5..I havent had time all week! crazy stuff man!
Last movie you saw: Teen Witch ^_^
Last song you heard: "Where is the Love?" --Black Eyed Peas
Last thing you had to drink: Orange Soda
Last thing you ate: crackers

Wednesday, July 09, 2003

Words mean nothing
Never in my life have I felt like this...Words seem so empty, and when I tell people, they are just words. Nobody seems to understand how I feel...I dont like these nights..where I cant stop crying. But its not only crying.. when i was younger, id cry because i was scared...and im sure almost everyone reading this, has only cried that cry.Its a hard cry. I thought it was the worst kind, until this year. The first time Dad went into the hospital, I had this, alone cry. This stuck cry. Its like, your crying, and you cant sleep, because it hurts so much. And you try to do something else, but the pain is still there. And even when you dont cry, the pain is there. When I used to read, or hear that peoples hearts felt heavy, or empty, they seemed like just words, and meant nothing to me..but now, feeling that right now, its such a bad feeling. Everytime I think of one day, Cleo not being here, I cry...I love her so much, and I just..I went in my room, and was hugging her. Brought her out here, in the living room to just hold her..but I couldnt stop crying.. I stand.. and I want to go..away...but theres nowhere to go..and Im so scared..and lost, when Im stuck here...
Then, It hurts so much when i tell people, and all they say is, Im so sorry,its okay, or my favorite, it'll be better soon. I only tell people in hope that they will just listen..Ive always wanted a friend, who would go to all lengths to like, maybe hang out with me or just, do anything to take my mind off things. But now, I dont think people like that exsist anymore. My sister has friends kind of like that. Her, Brendan, and Melody are hanging out Thursday..Ill be home alone again..I could go with them...but Id be like, a 4th wheel. I dont know Brendan, and Crystal will want to talk to them about stuff, old times..I wont know what theyre talking about. Its useless...Geez, its amazing how friends can cause so much pain when they mean well..

Tuesday, July 08, 2003

The bottom dissapeared
So, now Alyssa is in the hospital. She has phemonia, and some bacteria is like, attacking her lungs furiously. The doctors dont know what it is. It could be SARS because she got back from Texas a few weeks ago, but right now they are only trying to substain her phemonia. My sister is worried because phemonia is highly contagious, and Alyssa slept over a week ago. So, I dont know. Me and Crystal are sick, but Im sure its unrelated. Dad had talked to Alyssa mom, he called from his hospital phone, and her mom said that Alyssa was touch and go, as was Dad after his surgery. Im so worried about Alyssa.
Then, I have to get rid of Cleo. She hasnt progressed in her potty training in a year...and she hates Tobi. I love Cleo, to death and back, but shes psychotic, and ontop of all this other stuff, I cant handle her. I dont want to get rid of her, but I need help training her, and nobody will help me. And we cant afford to buy Cleos food and toys..I just think she deserves a better home...
Im so confused. I dont get it. Right when I turn to God for help, more pain isnt far behind. I mean, right when Alyssa started turning to God again, she ends up in the hospital. My pastor says that God sends tribulations and pain to basically test us and see if we turn to him for help, and if we do, he is glorified.The only way I can interpret this, is that he sends us pain, so in the end he can be happy. And if thats true, I just cant fathom that Christianity is the right thing for me. I dont want to lose faith, because thats all I have, but at this point, I am so lost. Nobody seems to be able to change my mind about it all. Crystal feels the exact same way. We talked last night, and we dont get it.
I just cant wait for the pain to stop, and for the bottom to stop falling out. I mean, Im actually at the point of dreading to be happy, just in fear that the pain isnt far behind. Thats no way to live... ::tear::

Friday, July 04, 2003

Guh, Ack, DOH!
Why Can't I
get a load of me get a load of you
walking down the street and i hardly know you
it's just like we were meant to be
holding hands with you when we're out at night
got a girlfriend you say it isn't right
and i've got someone waiting too
what it is its just the beginning
we're already wet and were gonna go swimming
why can't i breathe whenever i think about you
why can't i speak whenever i talk about you
it's inevitable, it's a fact that were gonna get down to it
so tell me
why can't i breathe whenever i think about you
whenever i think about you
whenever i think about you
whenever i think about you
isn't this the best part of breaking up
finding someone else you can't get enough of
someone who wants to be with you too
it's an itch we know we are gonna scratch
gonna take a while for this egg to hatch
but wouldn't it be beautiful
here we go we're at the beginning
we haven't fucked yet but my head's spinning
why can't i breathe whenever i think about you
why can't i speak whenever i talk about you
it's inevitable, it's a fact that were gonna get down to it
so tell me
why can't i breathe whenever i think about you
high enough for you to make me wonder, where it's going
high enough for you to pull me under
something's growing out of this that we can't control
baby im dying
why can't i breathe whenever i think about you
why can't i speak whenever i talk about you
why can't i breathe whenever i think about you
why can't i speak whenever i talk about you
it's inevitable, it's a fact that were gonna get down to it
so tell me
why can't i breathe whenever i think about you
whenever i think about you
whenever i think about you
whenever i think about you
whenever i think about you
© Liz Phair

I love this song. The first time I heard it was on the last episode of Charmed. It was played in the beginning credits, and since then, Ive loved it. I went to the and found out the singer who did that song. Liz Phair. I found out her CD came out June 24th, and I cant get it. I want it so bad. Im constantly checking 101.9 FM because they are the only ones who play her song. And me and Crystal had the FUNNIEST conversation last night. It went like this.

Crystal: Whats guh?
Naomi: It's like ack..
Crystal: No..ack is like DOH!
Naomi: DOH? Isnt it DOPE!?
Crystal: Homer Simpson.. DOH!
Naomi: Oh..okay..

It was so funny! But anyway. Im really mad, because when I was in the car going to Family Video with Mom, I happened to mention how bad I wanted the Liz Phair CD. She said, get it. I told her, yet again, that I cant afford it. Then she got all into saying that the child support money she pays us is for us. I told her thats the only money we have, and we cant spend it on anything we want. She laughed and started being a royal..BIOTCH. I dont know why it still shocks me at how she acts, but I guess Im still wishing the Mom I had when I was 5 would come back. GUH! Lol.

Thursday, July 03, 2003

We saw Charlies Angels: Full Throttle and I thought it really stunk. It was so cheap. Just, not even close to as good as the first one. But oh well. I made brownies today. Lol. I had one, and I didnt eat anything else today, and I dont intend to. And Dad is coming home tomorrow. He said were going to have to help him alot, but Im glad hes coming home. I just home his stitches dont like, burst or something when he gets back. I would seriously panic if that were to happen. But yeah, I wrote this poem just now, and I like it, but its really simple.
just a lonely girl
I am a lonely girl who has no life
I wonder when this will change
I see that I am stuck here
I want to trade places with you
I am a lonely girl who has no life.

I pretend that this is just a dream
I feel like I am cursed
I dont understand what I have done
I worry about what my life will become
I cry at night. in my room
I am a lonely girl who has no life

I understand I am better off than some
I say that I am thankful for what I have
I dream that one day I will get away from this place
I try to make the best of things
I hope I learn to appreciate
I am a lonely girl who has no life.

I think alot of it could use some work, but I just started writing, and thats what came out. And this morning, I wrote 4 poems. I went to bed at 5:30am, and got up at 11:00am, so Im tired. Then, I thought of something that really boosted my mood. "If I think I can make it through death, I can make it through life." And I dont know, that just seems so true at this point. Also, one of the poems I wrote was about Peters screen name. I dont know if its how he feels, but I tried to write it in his point of view, the way I think he looks at things. Im probably way off, but hey, its just a poem. Hah. Yeah. Were listening to "Saliva" right now. And I am just writing more poems. After I get offline, I'll probably read the rest of the 5th Harry Potter book, since I havent read it in a week! Lol. I just, havent been in the mood. The depression I guess.

Tuesday, July 01, 2003

I guess now is as good a time as any to explain the "Exsaveyear" thing. Im bored, and I have to update my journal. ^_^. Well. I was in 6th grade, and had never had a boyfriend. My best friend, Juana, told me she knew a guy who she thought I'd like. Exsaveyear Main Taylor was the name she gave him. Well, one night, after Charmed, she called me, and put him on 3 way. We all talked on the phone for about 3 or 4 hours. This was on Thursday Febuary 1st, 2001. Friday was Juanas birthday. We went to Mainstreet roller-rink. She told me that Exsaveyear would meet us there. When we got there, I waited to meet him. I was kind of excited, and shy. So, by the end of the night, her story was that he was too shy and wouldnt come up to me. So, for the next few months we talked on the phone, and every Friday, went to Mainstreet. I never met him. But I was excited. He had become my first "boyfriend." I told all my friends. Which was alot then. Tequila, Chasity, Shannon, Katie S, Alyssa C, Crystal, Tiffany, ect. Well, throughout the year, people accused Juana of making him up. Word was out in the whole 6th grade that I had a boyfriend. Sometime during the summer, Juana gave me a picture printed from her computer of him. And she gave me notes from him. She even had Tiffany dating Exsaveyears friend, Max. Well, I didnt ever get Exsaveyears phone number because Juana said that it was in her memory on her phone and she didnt know the password. She said he went to Frost Jr. High. She said his birthday was Febuary 14th. >.< I only talked to him online. And there was so much stuff. So much drama. I'd rather not go into all that. It would take hours. Lol. Well, Juana was my best friend, and I trusted her. And I admit, I really had doubts about him being real. But when someone is your best friend, the last thing you want to do is accuse them of lying to you for a year about something like that. In the beginning of 7th grade, I asked Juana if he was fake. Of course, she said no. But by now, Katie S and Tequila told me that Dawanda and Umeka told them Juana was making up Exsaveyear and had some people doing fake voices on the phone. Well, I told Juana I wouldnt be mad, and she could tell me if he was fake. She said no, hes real. To this day, she says he is real. I lost almost all my friends after this. I told them all off for accusing Juana of lyring to me like that. Me and Juana are not really friends anymore. And I am still made fun of for "making up my own boyfriend." To make it worse, Tiffany once told Emanuel that I made up my own boyfriend in 6th grade. ::sigh:: Since that experience, I have serious trust issues. I dont like it, but theres not much I can do. Im always expecting people to stab my in the back.