Summer 08
Tuesday, June 10, 2008
I'm Giving Up and Starting Over (dont expect it to be pretty)
I dont know what to do anymore. When I came back from NIU I thought I was doing the right thing - not to mention I couldnt pay them anyway to stay... I thought I had friends waiting here for me and I planned to get a job and my license and a car and to get right back in school. I started off good. My friends were totally here for me, I did get my license and a car and a job. Now, I'm miserable, friendless, and broke. I have NO money to get back to school anytime soon and I cant get any grants or loans... My new supervisor at work is looking to get me fired. I rear ended some foreigner yesterday because she slammed on her breaks in the middle of a green arrow - I didn't expect it... My best friend (Kami) moved, by very close friend (Kevin) broke my heart and recently told me never to talk to him again (because I'm having trouble getting over him WITH GOOD REASON), and I mean.. I just feel totally useless and worthless and like nothing I do makes a difference. My spirit has been broken. The fight in me is gone. The battles I once would have chosen to fight will be dead to me now. Not to sound all emo and what not but really - In one year I transformed into this talkative, spunky, confident person but I am completely ready to revert back to my shy, quiet self because this sucks. I hate this, I hate that everyone hates me, and I hate that I'm vulnerably honest with some people and they throw it in my face... I dont know what to do. I just want to get back to school. I want to write my novels. I want to move on but I CANT! I CANT MOVE ON. And it's so freaking frustrating. I feel stuck. I feel left behind because everyone can just go to school and go hang out with friends. :/
I dont know what to do anymore. When I came back from NIU I thought I was doing the right thing - not to mention I couldnt pay them anyway to stay... I thought I had friends waiting here for me and I planned to get a job and my license and a car and to get right back in school. I started off good. My friends were totally here for me, I did get my license and a car and a job. Now, I'm miserable, friendless, and broke. I have NO money to get back to school anytime soon and I cant get any grants or loans... My new supervisor at work is looking to get me fired. I rear ended some foreigner yesterday because she slammed on her breaks in the middle of a green arrow - I didn't expect it... My best friend (Kami) moved, by very close friend (Kevin) broke my heart and recently told me never to talk to him again (because I'm having trouble getting over him WITH GOOD REASON), and I mean.. I just feel totally useless and worthless and like nothing I do makes a difference. My spirit has been broken. The fight in me is gone. The battles I once would have chosen to fight will be dead to me now. Not to sound all emo and what not but really - In one year I transformed into this talkative, spunky, confident person but I am completely ready to revert back to my shy, quiet self because this sucks. I hate this, I hate that everyone hates me, and I hate that I'm vulnerably honest with some people and they throw it in my face... I dont know what to do. I just want to get back to school. I want to write my novels. I want to move on but I CANT! I CANT MOVE ON. And it's so freaking frustrating. I feel stuck. I feel left behind because everyone can just go to school and go hang out with friends. :/
Thursday, May 29, 2008
Friday, May 09, 2008
Feverish Birthday Dreams
I thought I was in a garden
Down trodden in the dirt
Trees hovering over me
& worms beneath my shirt
But I awoke to something different
Yes, the birds were chirping in the trees
But they were outside my window
And I was laying in my bed
Well I thought I was driving in a car
Turning on a mountain bend
Listening to loud music
And I think that it was raining
The car it took the turn too fast
And off the cliff we both went
Into the river we did sink
But I awoke to something different
I was standing in my shower
The water burning my back
Shampoo suds in my eyes
And I think that I was singing
Cause my mouth was really dry
Well I thought I saw you at the table
Looking through a high school yearbook
Sitting there with all your friends
But I could not believe you
I just could not pretend
Cause you are not alive anymore
And the backyard left when we sold the house
So I knew that this was all pretend
When I awoke I was not surprised
You were still gone
I was still in bed
The clock had barely changed
But now I cant sleep
I will stay awake
The night before my birthday
And I wont mistake
Reality for dreams
Because you are gone.
I thought I was in a garden
Down trodden in the dirt
Trees hovering over me
& worms beneath my shirt
But I awoke to something different
Yes, the birds were chirping in the trees
But they were outside my window
And I was laying in my bed
Well I thought I was driving in a car
Turning on a mountain bend
Listening to loud music
And I think that it was raining
The car it took the turn too fast
And off the cliff we both went
Into the river we did sink
But I awoke to something different
I was standing in my shower
The water burning my back
Shampoo suds in my eyes
And I think that I was singing
Cause my mouth was really dry
Well I thought I saw you at the table
Looking through a high school yearbook
Sitting there with all your friends
But I could not believe you
I just could not pretend
Cause you are not alive anymore
And the backyard left when we sold the house
So I knew that this was all pretend
When I awoke I was not surprised
You were still gone
I was still in bed
The clock had barely changed
But now I cant sleep
I will stay awake
The night before my birthday
And I wont mistake
Reality for dreams
Because you are gone.
Monday, March 24, 2008
This is me and the guy im currently dating, Chris.
This is me & my older sister Michelle! Love this girl!
Monday, February 25, 2008
Lately; Me
Money - yeah, its been tight.
I started paying NIU $200 each month...
And I pay $100 each month to my credit card.
I'm saving up for a car. (2005 Pontiac Sunfire!!)
And for community college (Harper...)
So I have NO money to spare.
Each month I make about $900 after taxes.
Minus 200 to NIU.
Minus 100 to credit card.
Minus 300 in March for Texas.
And minus 50 in May for Acen.
And I have a long way to go before I get a car.
And before i get back to school..
Even if I dont get the $5000 Pontiac Sunfire -
It'll be a while before I save enough for any car.
Grrrrr!
Money - yeah, its been tight.
I started paying NIU $200 each month...
And I pay $100 each month to my credit card.
I'm saving up for a car. (2005 Pontiac Sunfire!!)
And for community college (Harper...)
So I have NO money to spare.
Each month I make about $900 after taxes.
Minus 200 to NIU.
Minus 100 to credit card.
Minus 300 in March for Texas.
And minus 50 in May for Acen.
And I have a long way to go before I get a car.
And before i get back to school..
Even if I dont get the $5000 Pontiac Sunfire -
It'll be a while before I save enough for any car.
Grrrrr!
Monday, January 07, 2008
Friday, January 04, 2008
I applied at Target yesterday.
& last night I prayed.
I told God that I wanted Him
To get me the job.
I told him I wouldn't promise anything.
I wouldn't tell Him that I'd go to church
Or that I'd read my bible
Because I wouldn't follow through.
I told God that if He got me the job
I would simply acknowledge Him
Acknowledge that He did it.
That He got me the job.
& that it wasn't just chance.
Today I got a call back.
My interview in Monday.
Pray that I get it!
& last night I prayed.
I told God that I wanted Him
To get me the job.
I told him I wouldn't promise anything.
I wouldn't tell Him that I'd go to church
Or that I'd read my bible
Because I wouldn't follow through.
I told God that if He got me the job
I would simply acknowledge Him
Acknowledge that He did it.
That He got me the job.
& that it wasn't just chance.
Today I got a call back.
My interview in Monday.
Pray that I get it!
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