Wednesday, December 31, 2003

My church Jackie Jackie, Cherise, Tiffani

Im staying home tonight..Crystal is going to sleep over at Jackies..but theres not enough room in the car for me to go too. So, Im going to sit home alone and....I dont know. Probably Ill shed some tears, but who knows?!
My last day
It's 11:45 AM! Way too early. Well, as I said before, I called Theo last night, and he called me back this morning. We talked for a good while, and got things cleared up. He said he just blew things out of proportion...and that was basically it. I didn't hold anything above his head because I know all he can do is apologize, so that's it. I think we're cool now. He said he didn't throw away the bible I got him, which is good. Definately good. I also found out that Jennifer goes to my Lol No big deal, I was just shocked to find that out. And now he goes people actually read what I write. I personally find it funny, that people make it a note to come to my online journal when they can to get updates on my life! Lol, cracks me up. Anyway. Im waiting on a call from Jackie or Jill or Julia. We have to do something tonight! No way am I staying home all night, too boring. Wop woop! "Where is the Love" by Black Eyed Peas is on! Good song.
So, I got to thinking this is my LAST day in the year 2003..What am I going to do? What am I going to think? Feel? Do? Most likely, if I dont do anything tonight, I'll cry a lot, and hard. It sounds stupid to say, but it's the blunt truth. I miss Tobi...and this is going to be the first year of my life without him. Thats the most depressing thought I've ever had....

Tuesday, December 30, 2003

Well, today was any old boring day. I didn't go anywhere. I was supposed to meet Emanuel at the movies, but he never called me back, so that didn't exactly work out. Oh boy, last night I had the weirdest conversation with him! I seriously think he's messing with my head because there is no way he was serious about wanting to die in my arms. Hehe.
I talked to Peter for awhile today...mostly I was helping him figure out blogger...he made a website called "Ironies of Peace"! Check it out.

On my dream date.... Just cute... I wish..... Remember every insult...every tear

Not much to say as of yet. Peter isn't talking..Emanuel isn't online. Vanessa doesn't know anything about her grandma yet. What else is there?

I called Theo's house today..He isn't there. Apparantly he is staying with his Dad for the break, but his Mom (very nice!) said she'd tell him I called.

I also called my mom and left a message saying I wanted the home videos of Tobi..and I said dont call me back, just put them in my mail box..
(I swear to God, if she doesn't give them to me I will never talk to her again.)
Longer posts
I got to reading some of my past posts when Peter told me he was reading all of them... Kind of embarassing..I know. But anyway, I got to realize that my posts are really stupid. So, all day today, starting when I wake up..Im going to write...Everything that happens. I guess...starting now. I'd say...

Im sitting here, staring at this dust infested computer screen, and I remember that one time during the summer, when Crystal was off at a sleepover, probably at Jackies, and Dad was still in the hospital...and Tobi and me were home alone....and I was online, then I went to sit on the couch for a minute, so Tobi came up to me and had me lift him up to sit beside me..then, I got up and went back to the Tobi jumped off the couch and sat by me..and he kept doing that..So I pulled the couch up the computer and we both sat was storming outside..and he was scared.
I miss him..whenever it storms the first thing I think is I better get Tobi, hes probably scared..but then I remember...hes not here...
So now..Im sitting here...crying again..because I miss the way his head would hang off the side of the couch when you pulled your leg from under him..
Earlier, I was talking to Peter. Was an odd surprise. Pleasant, but odd. We talked for awhile..he told me the one day when I called him in the summer, and he didnt talk..that he kicked himself for being such a jerk..and that he felt bad..but he didnt know what to say. He said he liked me and he didnt mean anything by it when he didnt mean anything by, its all good.
Emanuel and I were talking too. Were supposed to see a movie tomorrow. and hang out on New Years Eve. Later in the conversation he was saying he would die in my arms..and in an earlier conversation he said he wants to die in the arms of his beloved...So, I was like..okay..And he said he loves me..and I said i love him too..and then I asked if he wanted to go out or something, and he said he didnt know, so i think were cool. Hes supposed to get his cast off today, so its pretty cool.

I was also thinking about my New years Resolutions lately...Heres what I got so far...
1)To get closer to God. Since I'll be reading the bible everyday I figure I can get closer to Him. There's nothing more I want right now than to have a better relasionship with Him.
2) Try to move on about Tobi. I know this wont ever happen..but I figure, next year around this time, I can look back, and maybe I wont be crying everyday for hours, so I'll be proud of myself that I stepped up throughout the year.
3) Lose Weight. Althought a common goal for people, I really am trying...On January 1st, Im starting Atkins...I'll try to stick with it for 2 months.
4)Train Cleo. Not so much a goal for me, more for her. I intend to do this by putting her poo in a bag and bringing it outside with her..maybe then she'll get it.
5) Lose some of my attitude.
6) Finish my novel "The Floor you Cant Fall Below"
7) Make more friends..Though it may sound stupid, I have trouble making friends.
(More goals to come Im sure!!!)

Also, anyone who reads this, please pray for my friend Vanessa's grandma'. She is having the veins in her legs taken out because the blood is flowing wrong and shes getting heart surgery. Thanks!

Sunday, December 28, 2003

I'll steal and I'll hate
Oh man!!!!!!!! IM SO MAD!!!!!!! AHH! MOM WONT GIVE ME THE TAPES OF TOBI! She didnt even love him..she wanted to get rid of him! I HATE HER! Shes like " cant have them. you can come to my house and watch them" well guess what?! If she doesnt give them to me, I'll steal them! I DONT CARE!

I didnt try sushi when I went out with Darren and Erik. (Adal didnt go) Crystal tried sushi and Eel..yuck. I could barely eat shrimp..I tried a peice..and its just as bad as I remember. It was fun though...Erik and Darren are awesome. Darren does the best impression of Gollum! It was awesome. And we went to a thrift store..for Crystal.

Friday, December 26, 2003

Hey....readers of my life. Lol. Christmas was okay. On Christmas Eve, we went to Aunt Jennys, road with Don and Rick in their van. At the party, Gene was leaving and tried to hug my Mom, and she ran away from him, then he took her arm and tried to hug her so she shoved him off...kinda' embrarassing. But a cool thing was that Gene wrote a book called "The Moving Finger" It's not in bookstores, but apparantly his publishing company will be releasing his next book. Fun.
On Christmas Day, I saw Peter Pan with Julia, Jackie, Jill, and Crystal. Was fun. I didnt like it as much as I hoped I would. After that we went back to their house and watched The League of Extrordinary Gentlemen....i fell asleep in the middle..woke up at the credits. Lol. Then, we sat around for about an hour..then Jackie and Jill slept over at our house!!!!! First time EVER! It was fun. We played UNO...and had a small crying We watched Serendipity and A Walk to Remember...

Lets see. Today I went to Borders, bought the new Charmed book (reluctantly), a new novel called "Bookends", "Go Ask Alice" and "Counterfit Son"..........And then I went to Target and bought a black and gray blanket...and some black pillow cases and 2 new pillows. Its very comfortable. I also rented 2 movies "What a girl wants" and "Alex & Emma"....So, yeah.

I called Adal, today is his 16th birthday. I invited him to come have Sushi with me, Crystal, Darren, and Erik tomorrow. he said he would, but we'll see. :-)

Tuesday, December 23, 2003

Im so bored...I dont know what to do with myself. I saw Return of the King again didnt get any better. Im so hungry, and theres nothing to eat, and seriously, I just want to leave...I wish I was 18 so I could drive....and just go for a week or something...AHH! If anyone reads this they probably think Im nuts..Oh well...At this rate I cant wait to go back to school because I dont want to be at home....I gotta' do something.
Dog food
I was feeding Cleo...just a little bit ago...and this one thing that Tobi loved was in it...small red and yellow things..and oh man, i started crying so bad..I had a memory..of this one time when everyone was trying to get Tobi to do paw, and it wouldnt i took out a package of the red and yellow strips, and he did it for me..oh god..i want tobi.. ::tear::

Saturday, December 20, 2003

I just got told that this kid doesnt like my poems..thats a first...thought i'd note it. -_____-

Friday, December 19, 2003

Paul-Luap-Pauile- Devilishly Handsome LOL
Today was kind of a weird day...not bad, not good...Um, I stayed home sick up, felt really horrible...pretty dizzy, and confused..head was pounding..things were 10x too loud.. (now things are only 5x too loud) but yeah. I had a fever and I couldnt go to school. So, I go to school today and things happened. The circle of Mike, Colin, Tracie, and Courtney got even more confusing..enough said. lol. And Tracie may have gotten Mr. Dowd in trouble, Im not even sure. Then, at lunch, Juana gave Paul a dollar to buy her a was funny...after that i went in the hall on sat on the floor alone for awhile. Then, Paul walked up to me with a handful of flowers and held them out and said "Would you like a rose Naomi?" and I was like "Aw, no thanks" ---(I have issues with taking things from people....I felt BAD!!!!because I was like..he payed for them, and then gives me one..and i had nothing to give him..blah, I dont know. I just feel bad taking things from people) so anyway, he was like "ouch, you crushed me" and then he offered my a candy cane..and I said, no thanks again...and he tossed it down to me, it was broken in half, so I threw it at this kid...and Paul was like "Man Naomi, you crushed my heart two times!" and he was just kidding..but blah.. (((BY THE WAY, when he offered the flower I thought he was joking...kinda teasing me or something! Im not used to people being nice, let alone...REALLY nice.)))) So anyway, then these girls were chasing him down the hall and begging him for a flower, and he kept saying no. So I felt really bad, and I still do..guilt is filling me up! -_-..I WANT TO SAY SORRY, but I dont know if he was serious... hmmm

Monday, December 15, 2003

Theos note
Lets make it simple
I got mad at you cuz u lied to tiff + lied to me- Also u ditched me at ur little church thing + that slam jam + me + Dapali rnt talking either. I was thinking me + other people noticed that you allways have to be right- no matter wut any 1 says if u dont like it you shoot there dreams down + burn it...u ruined my relasionship with tiff- see if me + u r ever friends again - I know more people that hate you than people that like u....why is that-
and most of all I am mas becus of how ur treating jen like sh*t - in fact I h8 it....leave her alone becuz it hurts her when she sees you- your like all "to to me jen" + then when she does u push her away- all u want it attention- u know wut?!
u need to grow up!
i know I used to cherish out friendship but u ruined it ow im wicca again + im ot friends with u, your sister, tiff, juanita, dapali all the people at the table but- im still here + still friends with melodie
So I guess thats it...well write or call- think bout wut i said
bye love theo
So.. I read this to Crystal in the car as I was reading it, and she got mad...she cant believe he said that..stuff about slam jam and youth group..saying I ditched him. She was at youth group and says I didnt, and Tracie and Sarah were at slam jam and said I didnt...all the same, i tried to drop it..starting monday I was over it..for the first time in a month I had gotten past it..because I apologized a few times...and neither jen nor him would accept it. (even though I still dont get what I did...???) so, i was over it..i prayed alot about it, and I think God was telling me sometimes, you cant win them all, you know..I had this problem with people being mad at me..but now, its like..Ill try, but I cant make them try, yeah. Im not going to call him, nor write back. I intend to show Juanita and Dapali and Tiff the note, because they are mentioned, but Im not going to make a scene and yell at him or anything. Im done with this...It frusterates me so kinda' makes me want to cry because to me he seems so ignorant and one sided, but i dont know how he thinks? what can i do?

Sunday, December 14, 2003

So I says to myself I says
I talked to Eriks mom at church and online today. Shes so nice..and cool. I wish my mom was like that..Erik, if your reading this, tell your mom shes awesome! lol Doubt you are all well that ends well.

Anyway, my christmas list is weird...I do want some things...Like Jovan perfume (Earth, Water, Fire, and Air, scent..) and the
Hilary Duff CD, and
FM Static Cd...and
"Must Love Dogs" by Claire Cook and...
other little things
But what I havent told that I really want a video tape of Tobi..I know we had one once from a vacation...I think mom had the copy of it..anywho, I want that badly.... but Im scared to ask because then it leads into a talk about Tobi and Im not ready for that..
-_- I'll just keep praying about it...

SO, at church today, I mentioned to Jill that I've been a christian for 2 years about now...and she was shocked. she thought, like everyone else, that I was just copying Crystal..and now I cleared that up with her..

Also, I talked to Darren.. (I think thats how he spells it) And we were talking about Adal and stuff....Darren is Jewish, and wants to talk to my Dad, but he also thinks it'd be cool to talk to Adal...have sushi with us is what Crystal and him, ack..sushi..I think Adal would get along with almost everyone...Erik because Adals going to Japan next year, and Erik loves Japan..and yeah. Adals great, so I think he'd fit in.

Oh well, anyone who reads this (which is probably nobody...) please keep Adal (a 16 year old boy) in prayer..and Theo (took him to youth group once and we are not fighting...), Emanuel (took him once), and Tracie...(shes a sophmore...) so, please just pray that they can either find God or that He can work with them in their lives, and that He will just help Tracie on her walk with Him, because shes kinda' straying..and help Adal, Eman, and Theo find Him..

Thanks....Bai Bai.

Saturday, December 13, 2003

Forgive or forget?
So, today was odd...kinda'...First snow of the year. A bit depressing. On the way home from youth group, in Dorinnes car, I didnt talk..I just kinda stared out the window...looking at snow and thinking about Tobi...and then I started thinking about the way he layed on my legs on the couch...and how he sat on his butt with his front paws in the air....or when he rubbed his ears against our arms to make us pet him..and in a storm at bed he'd scratch us or rub his nose against us hard..or just pull our blanket to wake us up and comfort him...I miss him so much... ::tear:: Anyway, nobody really noticed that I didnt, its okay. As for Erik H..well, things werent awkward...thank God.
Anyway..tonight at common ground (in youth group) we talked about forgetting our past...and if were supposed to..and all this stuff...well, alot of the time I was thinking about Theo, and its really got me upset..because I know in the bible it tells us to forgive matter how many times they do it..just forgive them...and I am..because Theo is mad at me...and to me its not even true..but I guess to him he felt like I ditched him at Slam Jam that time...and thats why I apologized...and I did like..3 or 4 times..and he just wont accept it..he keeps throwing it in my face that I "ditched him" and then after I apologized..he writes me a note and says its my fault hes not christian and that I think the whole world revolves around me and that Im a liar and stuff..and I just cant believe that people are seriously that ignorant..Its just gotten me down, because I try as hard as I can to make ammends, and I just keep getting turned down..I hate it when people hate me...blah...

Monday, December 08, 2003

Not alone today
Today has been a good day so far. In 1st block, Paul showed me his poem that he had to write for english class..he read it to me as we walked out. ^_^ And at lunch, I hung out with Juanita (a girl I recently met) and Paul.. (they apparantly used to date)
Juana is really weird, but I like her, she's cool. We exchanged information today at lunch...I gave her the URL to my poetry site...and I read some of her poetry. It was really good. Lol, now she can read mine and pride herself on how much better she is. hehe. Hmm, what else?
I dont know, I apologized to Tracie..and Colin has the hearing with his parents today or tomorrow. I really hope he doesnt move! He's one of my ONLY friends...I want him to be happy, and in order for that I think he has to live with his Dad, but I'd miss him. :-( I hope things work out...
Um...yeah, I guess it was just a good day because I actually had someone to sit with and stuff at lunch...felt good. :-)
The only bad part was someone threw a cup at my head at lunch, and someone threw something else at me too..but besides that.. all good
Woop woop, Juana just IM'd me. lol, i feel so loved.. -_-

Sunday, December 07, 2003

The Wizard of Oz is on...I miss Tobi...Everytime I look at Todo I get teary eyed. This stinks! All day today I was feeling okay...I was Im on the verge of crying...Flashbacks of Tobi are coming again...I miss him so much.
And today in church, Mom rushed me out...right after service ended, she came to me and asked if i was ready to go...I wanted to talk to Erik and Jill and stuff! I mean, I only see them once a week, and she wouldnt even let me talk! Its the only day of the week I get to talk to people...well, aside from youth group...and I didnt even get to this week!
Another thing weird is happening. Everyone is saying Erik H. likes me...Now, I personally think hes just being nice..kidding around. And I dont want to make a big deal out of it..but they do, and when the confront me about it, I feel like all I can do is go along with it, otherwise they'll think I like him too and that will just make things all weird...I dont know. I want to be Eriks friend...And it stinks because I only see him 1 or 2 days a week for a little while..and we never talk much! lol. I feel so stupid talking about a boy...but oh well.
I drew an orc today...I was thinking of giving it to Dan, since he LOVES Lord of the Rings...but now I think I'll keep it...I dont know, when I show it to him, if he asks for it, I'll give it to him, otherwise..meh.
Jackie talked to me about her and Dan at the birthday party for Julia...I felt privleged...she never talks to me...not for real anyway. But since Crystal wasnt there, she did. And Dan was nice to me at youth group. It was almost as if we were friends...
Thats all for now... :-( BYE me at
I need to talk...being anti-social is lonely..

Friday, December 05, 2003

So, today was NOT the best day...I didn't talk to much of anyone. Tracie is mad at me..You see, she ended up getting an 85 on the project!!!!!!!! I got a 93 and Adal got a 92! Im happy with my scrore, but Tracie did NOTHING, I did all her work and she still passed!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Ahh! That makes me mad. So, I said I was mad that she got a B, with reason, obviously....and shes like "fine, if your so mad I wont talk to you.." and I was like "fine, dont" and Adal goes to her and says "no tracie, i love you, talk to me!" lol. But yeah, so at this point I guess me and Tracie arent talking...And at lunch, this kid Paul from my Freshman Foundations class came and sat by me and said hi. Me and him were sitting against the lockers, and Cammy and a few other kids were standing infront of us. After I said hi to Paul...a few minutes later I stood and walked away because I hate it when people kinda' crowd around me...drives me nuts. (because at lunch people stand right infont of me and step on me like im not, yeah) anyway, i feel horrible because I think Paul thought I didnt want to talk to him or something! AH! The thing is, I KIND Paul. I think its just the intial shock of him actually talking to me though. So, its nothing big AT ALL. He seem cool, though I dont know if he doesnt like me, well, no harm done. heh. Anyway, today was also bad because Im starting to get jealous...jealous of all the people with phony friends...only because atleast for the time being, they have friends. I mean, I have friends, yeah. Linda, Megan, Peter, Adal, Colin..but I dont see Megan and Linda ever, Adal, well, I cant talk to him...were school friends, basically only talk when we have to work together...Peter, well, we dont talk much at all, too awkward always..and Colin, as I said, I cant talk to him, Im not comfortable....and I dont want to lay any more burdens on him than he already has to deal with. Plus, the only one of those people in my lunch is Colin...and he has a huge group of friends he hangs out in which case, this leaves me alone. People think I like to be alone...but I dont. I dont like to be crowded around by people, like i cant move..but I love talking to people! If people actually took the time to get to know me and didnt abandon me the second I do or say something they dont like, maybe they would know this about me!!!!!!!! I seriously wish people would my friend...

Thursday, December 04, 2003

Where do I go from here?
Alot has changed since I last updated. It's been awhile...but I haven't felt like updating at all lately. I only am today because I have nobody to talk to and I need to state what Im thinking...whether anyone sees it or not, I dont know.. :-( Theo hates me, and Jen does too I think. I tried to talk to Jen a few times, but she always brushes me off...and Theo, well, everytime I pass him he scowls or makes some face. I told Tiffany, and when she noticed, she got mad at him and told him she didnt like it when people treated her friends like that. He blew up at her, and now I feel bad because basically I ruined their friendship. As for Tracie, well, me, her and Adal were supposed to do a project on WW2. Me and Adal invited her into our griup because we love her and we felt bad that she didn't have a, after alot of begging to Mr. Dowd, she was in our group. The only down side was that we had to do soem extra work, since we had more members in our group than everyone else....Anyway, Tracie didnt do any work at all. I got stuck doing all her work the night before it was due. Adal and I were mad at her and debating whether or not to tell, but she could tell how upset we were, so she told Mr. Dowd herself. Things pretty much worked out. Lets see, my other friends..Colin...yeah, he's still my friend, but I dont think I can talk to him. Im not really comfortable around him, Im not sure why. Adal is my friend..I think. There wouldnt be a doubt in my head about that if it werent for a few days ago when he was sitting beside me in the hall at lunch, and someone put a pop top on my head. This girl Dena told me he was pointing at my telling her to look, and she told me it was there...she thinks he put it there. I dont think hes the type of kid to do something like that, he seems so sincere when he says Im his friend, but as Ive said before, I have major trust issues. Peter....Ive been talking to him for a few minutes at lunch. Its really awkward, we dont have much to say. I bet within a few days, we'll stop talking again...I dont want to, but those awkward silences are deadly.
Aside from friends, I can feel myself going away from God.I dont want to, and I'm trying to pray about it, but Im not feeling anything anymore. Me and Dad were tearing up in the car yesterday on the way to the library to meet Adal...we missed Tobi. I can usually hold it in until Im alone, but not yesterday. -_- I really miss him...
It sucks, nobody even, i dont know, I literally feel empty....but its a lonely feeling to. Those are just words, and cant express in the slightest what Im feeling, but I dont know what else to say. im scared to sleep again, because Ive been having dreams about him again....and when I wake up it really hurts...I walked into Hobby Lobby to get something, and looked around and wanted to cry....I saw picture frames and Tobi kept coming to my mind...I cant stop thinking about him! I CANT CONCENTRATE! IM LOSING ALL MY FRIENDS AND THERES NOTHING I CAN DO ANYMORE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!