New York Missions trip
I am soo stressing..it hurts. It actually hurts to breathe again...like when Tobi died..
I always want to cry. And yet, nobody notices..and if they do, they dont care. Today mom asked why Im wearing a dog tag. :-( Said Im not a dog.. DUH! Its because I cant let go! Grr. And I didnt even get to go to youth group. Crystal was making me mad. i invited Theo..and he could come..then we had to drive the Philips (ryan and tiffani) so dad and crystal said we cant drive theo. Well, screw them! Thats not fair! and then..i just stayed with mom for the evening. I cant stand Dad..or crystal. THEY KEEP TEAMING UP! like they used to...they were always a damn team! Whatever. Im leaving when Im 18. But speaking of leaving..I have to fill out a survey, about the missions trip to new york...Do I even want to go anymore? I dont fit in with youth group...and its $480.00 But would I want to be stuck with Dad while Crystal was gone? And would I want to be stuck with Crystal if I went? If I go..what do I want to do there? soup kitchen for the homeless, meals on wheels for AIDS patients, homless chapel services, addicted teen chapel services, feeding the elderly, ministering at nursing home, or food pantry ministry? Which three? After that..the next three... between...prayer stations at ground zero, evangelism at ground zero, staten island ferry evangelism, beach youth evangelism, FDNY firehouse visits, or TV morning show evangelism? WHAT?! GRR. People. email me with thoughts..I need help.. Also, pray for this..
xxcrimsoncryxx@cs.com

Which classes to take?
I finished Forbidden Doors 10 at lunch, and started Charmed after school.
Im only on page 17, but Im hoping to finish my the end of the night.
::pouty lips:: What else to say?
I dont think I did too well on my math test, but I do think I A'ced my Computer
Literacy test. Thats good...I guess.
And Im debating what classes to take next year. (Can only have 6 1/2 credits!)

English - 1 credit
Earth Science - 1 credit
Geometry - 1 credit
Drawing - 1 credit
PE - 1/2 credit
Consumer Ed - 1/2 credit
Journal writing 1 - 1/2 credit
Journal Writing 2 - 1/2 credit
Health - 1/2 credit
Web page Design - 1/2 credit
Photography 1 and 2 - 1 credit

So, I guess I'll save Photography 1 and 2 for Junior year...And health for Junior year also.
Sound good? Suggestions? XXCrimsonCryXX@cs.com
Email me with thoughts anyone.

In class.
Sitting in computer literacy..I finished all my work and Im bored.
Um, nothing is really new. I havent talked to Theo in a few days...
And I talked to Paul online, he showed me one of his recent poems. It was cool.
But for the most part we didn't talk much. Oh well.
And Linda called me yesterday. She left a message on my cell...
I had the ringer off so I didnt hear it ring.
Anyway, she was crying I think, and she said she needed to talk.
So, I am going to call her when I get out of school, and see if shes okay.
Im worried.
Um, I might go to lifetime today. who knows?
I read two books yesterday. Left Behind 29 and 30.
Now Im reading Forbidden Doors 10, because I really should get them back to Jackie.
I want to get 31, 32, 33, and 34 in Left behind, but have no money.
bringing me to my next dilemma...
I need 10$ in art by..next block, and I dont have it.
We only have 6$ at home.
Hopefully child support comes through.
We have like..5-10 bottles of water..thats it.
Getting down to the wire.
Well, I think were going to start something soon, so...
I'll shut up now.
Theo, email me!

Torment
Today was horrible. I got my new schedule..and I have
1st block - Seminar (study hall) A days
1st block - Gym B days
2nd block - Computer Literacy A days
2nd block - Computer Literacy B days
3rd Block - Art and Design A days
3rd Block - Art and design B Days
4th block - Algebra 1 A days
4th Block - Algebra 1 B days

My friend Paul was in my seminar, but he had a schedule change and he got put in room 56 because he failed biology or something. GRR! So, we dont have seminar together, and I have nobody to talk to. Okay, so Computer literacy was boring...we played this dumb name game. Everyone called me N-I-O-ME instead of N-AY-O-ME. So it was annoying. Then, Art and Design..well, I got stuck with A lunch! I had C lunch, but my dumb art teacher had it changed! You see, I was supposed to have this awesome Art teacher, Mr. Beers, but they changed my teacher to Mrs. N. (Shes really quiet, and I can tell she lets students walk all over her..she doesnt take control.) AND, this girl Jennifer is in my class. So yeah..that was hell, very awkward. Then, Algebra. All these people who do not like me ended up in that class...AHH! Then after school my sister wanted to stay after at art club so I went to book club...and it was cool, but i just wanted to go home! So, I came home and cried in my room.
:-\ bad day. But anyway. At lunch...people were really loud. Especially Tracie and her group of friends. (yes, I have lunch with Tracie, Melody, Emily, etc)...so, Emily told Tracie she was loud..then Tracie started to yell, and I shoved her..kinda' hard..and she stumbled back a few feet, and everyone was looking at me like.."woah." annoying. Well, Im not going to lunch anymore. Im hiding out in the library..same with seminar...AHH!

THEO
Well, I got an email from Theo, giving me the new URL to his site. :-( Hes hurting. I wish I was there for him. But a major major plus, he decided to give up practicing wicca for awhile and try God's love!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YAY! I hope nothing changes his mind. This is so awesome..anyone from youth group, pray for him please! He needs our prayers.

The latest, of Naomis wish list!
Well, lets see. Last night was weird. I saw The Butterfly Effect..which was AWESOME! no words, just completely genius! Okay, so then I got home, and watched The Ring on HBO. Really dumb movie, I did not like it. I didnt even get it...oh well. So, then, around 11:00 or so, I got online, and later last night I talked with Jesse. He really is a sweety. I love that kid. Hehe. Umm. I talked to Theo, for a bit. He said he DID NOT curse Colin. And I trust him, I think John (his friend) was just a bit confused. Because Theo told me he knows how much it means to me that hes starting to find God...and he said he knows how much I'd be hurt if he just..comepltely fell. I think he knows because he knows how upset I was when Colin fell from his path. Well, yeah. Hopefully Theo will be able to come to youth group next week. I miss my buddy! And, I tried to talk to Emanuel, but he was too busy practicing his guitar. ::sigh:: Im not going to try to talk to him anymore..Im still going to pray for him of course, but..I think that;s all I can right now. Umm. Well, last night got weird around 12:30 am. Everytime I shut my eyes...I saw..weird things..I dont know if I should say, I'll probably be committed...but, it was similar to those things I saw when I was reading those mystery-horror books..and the one morning I woke up, and things were all...spinning, and it was just..scary. And I was a bit dizzy, but I dont know. I just got offline and prayed for awhile. and cried..about Tobi. ::sigh::
Um, I woke up..and cried a bit..I found 2 more pictures of Tobi. I miss him a lot.
Okay, anyway. Here is my newest *wish list*
1. A new calender (of new zealand, or from a movie)
2. The Amelie movie poster
3. The Moulin Rouge movie poster.
4. The Down with Love movie poster
5. Any Disney Movie Posters
--------Alice in Wonderland
--------Aladdin
--------Beauty and the Beast
--------Snow White
--------Cinderella
6. New mechanical pencils
7. Colored pens (Pink specifically)
8. Home Movies of Tobi
9. Earth, Water, Fire, Air Jovan perfume
10. The new Charmed book
11. The FM Static CD
12. The Kutless CD in Feb.
13. A few new magazines for cut-outs
14. The Labyrinth movie
15. Happily Ever After movie
16. The Howie Day CD
17. A new portable CD player
18. New Left Behind books
19. New pants
20. Invader ZIM DVD's

Paul said he wished "chill pills" were real,so I said take a placebo
Well, yesterday was my world history and biology finals. They were hard. I know I didnt pass world history...I didnt know any of the answers. Hugged Adal before class ended. Then, even with the cheat sheet in biology, I think I failed because Mr. Anderson didn't teach us about the body system..he got too frusterated with us and decided to skip it. But it was on the test...so none of us knew that part. Anyway, after I got home I fell asleep...was really tired. Then I saw Big Fish, which was really good. I loved it, just like I thought I would. It's one of my favorite movies now. Okay, then today, I went to the cafeteria forfirst block, because I didnt have a final. I sat with Cammy and Tracie, and their friend Dan, for about an hour. Was...interesting. Cammy and Tracie had a "heated discussion" about freedom in America and stuff. I didnt get involved. Then, about 20 minutes before the bell rang, Paul got their and I sat by him on the floor. He was sick. :-( Hope he feels better. But hes really funny when hes sick. He was acting skitso...he had watched A Beautiful Mind before he got there. Maybe thats why..hehe. But um, he was also acting dazed and confused kinda', like he had just woken up..it was funny. So, yeah. Today was Colin's last day here.. It was sad. I didnt say much to him. Were not really the best of friends, but yeah. I hope he likes his new school. Um, I havent talked to Theo at all, I think Im going to write him an email.Anyway, I also took my English final..it was harder than I expected, but I think I did fairly well. Mrs Mueller asked me to be an English monitor during my seminar, and I would, but I dont think I can because I wont be exempt (meaning I'll have to go to study hall because not all my grades are C- or higher) so I doubt they'll let me be a monitor. ::sigh:: Oh well.

Goodbye World History....Goodbye Biology!
Well..let's see. Last night got pretty bad..I dont really know what happened, but I cried myself to sleep. :-( was depressing...started thinking about Tobi again, and yeah. Well, woke up...my toe was thobbing..because I accidentily cut it..and then I get to school, and Theo's gone. :-( and I forgot, so it was sad when I remembered, then I had to do that dance thing in gym..and we had to wing it...My toe hurt..and it started bleeding afterwards..but no one knew..heh. and...yeah, we messed up. But, then, I get to the locker room and theres some unknown lock on my locker!! The bell has already rung mind you. So, I have to borrow 1$ from Sarah so the stupid lady would take the lock off my locker...ALL because I forgot to lock my locker BECAUSE I didnt have to change because my group wore matching outfits for the dance! BLAHH! Made me mad. So, we played trivial pursuit in world history..and in biology we studied the whole time. I type for Saloin, because she was too slow..and I talked to Heather for a bit... (weird thing: I walked into biology, and I heard people saying "theres naomi" and "ooh, there she is" ....sorta' around Colin's group of friends..dont know what that was about. But whatever. Soo..at lunch..Caleb (kid from awhile ago who I yelled at for playing music in the hall....my immature days..lol) um, he sat kinda' by me at lunch..he was doing homework and had nowhere else to sit so he sat on the floor...um, i loaned him a pen...never got it back. So yeah. Um, then one of Calebs friends came..followed by Paul...followed by some other kid..Then Cammy and Colin came...Lots of people. Well, found out Paul used to watch Outlaw Star...very cool...very cool indeed. (Tiffany gave me an outlaw star crossword this morning) And um...didnt talk to Peter...waved in the hall, that was about it.
Nothing major happened I guess...
Well, I got home and started studying for finals..and Adal called..and told me he doesnt get to go to Japan...Im not really sure about the details, but i guess the second choice on his list was Twaiwan (i think it was) so..thats where they were going to send him..but he really want to go to Japan....and I want him to go to Japan..heh, so it's a sad day.
Um, Cammy told me she's not happy..she didnt say why..but she did say her perkiness is all an act.
Well, I gotta' go already. Take a shower...take Cleo out...read bible...sleep...then get up early..take finals..GRR!
(...more drama with the Colin-Theo feud...)

Bye Theo. :-(
Today was Theo's last day! :-( Depressing. I'm gonna' miss him, he's my buddy! I hung out with him all through lunch..even sat at a lunch table with him and Lisa for awhile. Didnt talk to Peter though...Maybe he's mad at me, though I doubt he is. Has no reason to be. I just presume hes stressed or having a little downfall...Oh well, not my business. I'll just wait for him to talk to me.
Well, besides that...Tiff and Theo are friends again! Its awesome...apparantly Tiffany started crying at lunch...because of Theo leaving. Emotional times.
Um. Nothing happened with Colin...
In freshman foundations, me and Paul were making a lot of noise. I was working on my review packet for world history, and getting frusterated..and he was looking up german words in his german dictionary...so then he decided he wanted to look for answers for me, so he started doing that and I was looking through the dictionary..I found the words "death, die, blood, savior, etc" but then he got frusterated with my packet..and took the dictionary back...and finished my list of words...he added "hell, hernia.." and some others..HERNIA!? lol. Twas funny.
Had to write different types of poems in english. I felt so "on the spot" its like..BAM! I dont know, was difficult, but I managed. Oh well, I gotta go finish my biology, world history, and english review packets..so, talk later.

My head pounds like my heart beats..only 10 times harder
Well, things have been weird lately. In youth group I brought my homework and worked on the packet for the world history final. Dan, Erik, Jackie, nor Crystal were able to help me..even though they all already took world history. So, yeah. And, I didn't go to church on sunday..I'm not feeling good. Really bad head ach..and been getting dizzy spells..saw doubles last night. Blah
Well, the plus side was I got to watch Charmed, which was actually a good episode.
And I talked to Jesse, my christian friend I met online. He's really cool, and I'm glad we got to talk again, it's been awhile. He says he loves me..but how can anyone possibly love someone online? We havent ever talked on the phone or anything. I dont know, very confusing. Apparantly I upset him because I said I didn't love him...I dont know what love is. I love the way he encourages me on my walk with God...seems to renew my faith and all, it's really cool. And he worries about me...more than anyone in real life anyway..I told him I was dizzy and he cared..that's really cool.
He read about Peter in here, and got jealous..I dont know of what..but whatever.
Crystal said on monday nights she will be going to a bible study with Erik, Erik's mom, aunt Kathy, Darren, Cidny, and some other people...they all immediately thought of her when the discussion about starting this bible study came up. ::sigh:: whatever.
Oh well, jesse is waiting to read this..see if Im writing good or bad about him.

Hanging on for Dear Life
A mind can sure get weary
The way things come undone
With eyes that won’t see clearly
And a heart that’s overrun
You keep hoping things will get better
That you’ll find a way through it all
You must hold on to what you believe
When the sky’s about to fall

So keep hanging on
The hands of time just keep turning around
There’s no telling where you’ll find the strength to climb
So just stand your ground
All through the night
Till you can see the light
Keep hanging on for dear life

A spirit can get battered
As you journey down the years
And if dreams were all that mattered
You’d be miles away from here
Just keep thinking things will be different
That you’ll find a place in the sun
Hold your head up high in that stormy sky
And the change will surely come

So keep hanging on
The hands of time just keep turning around
There’s no telling where you’ll find the strength to climb
So just stand your ground
All through the night
Till you can see the light
Keep hanging on for dear life

Never you mind
What you’ve been told
Someday you’ll have all the love
One heart can hold

So keep hanging on
The hands of time just keep turning around
There’s no telling where you’ll find the strength to climb
So just stand your ground
All through the night
Till you can see the light
Keep hanging on
Hanging on for dear life
Hanging on for dear life....

Falling
Well..just talked to Peter. He's not in a good mood. ::sigh:: Somethings wrong, Im not sure what..maybe it's because he's stressed about finals...or the fact that he didn't do anything today, but it stinks. Usually after talking to him I feel happy...dont know why really, just do. And I hadn't really talked to him in a couple days, so I was kinda' ISH looking forward to it, because my happiness has fallen..lots of thoughts about Tobi..and finals, and my friends (Theo, Colin, Emanuel, Peter, Juana, Paul, Megan, Tiffany...) and kinda' got me down. Colin fell from his faith and turned away from God..Theo is trying, which is awesome, but he's moving now so there's not much more that I can do except continue to pray. Also, I read his recent journal entries, and he seemed kinda'...dark..when talking about Colin. ::long sigh:: Tiff and Theo are finally friends again, which is great. I havent talked to Emanuel is awhile, he doesn't like talking to me anymore..and Megan..it's been a really long time..haven't hung out since....um...well, so long ago I cant remember...more than 6 months. Blaaaah. My eyes burn..and my head really hurts... things keep getting blurry...and Im like, seeing double...
I wish I could just leave...I wish I had my own life..I wish family and friends didn't have to be in my heart..I wish I didn't care...If I didn't care about Tobi...I wouldn't be in this situation!!! I HATE THIS SO MUCH! I cant do anything...I dont like reading anymore...I cant write..get too emotional..I could care less about music...
And the worst is..NOBODY KNOWS! Obviously, some people know, because they read this stupid thing...but even though they know..they cant do anything...I dont expect them to..or want them to..because they cant bring Tobi back...
I woke up this morning, after a long dream about Tobi..Stupid Mr. Puscar (landlord) was talking too loud in the kitchen with Dad, and I started tearing up..because right away I knew I wouldn't see him until my next dream, which could be weeks.. ::tear:: what the ****!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Grr
Today actually wasn't horrible. First block sucked, the people were blasted Nelly and Mya and junk, and it gave me a massive head ach that lasted the rest of the day. Um, nothing really happened in second block except that I think I did okay on the Middle East map quiz, and that we got a 11-12 page review packet for the final...Um, in Biology, nothing big. Lunch..sat with Paul the whole time. He told me Im his friend. ^_^ But he had a really really bad sinus head ach..and I felt bad for him. So, yeah. Also, Colin wasn't being too bad in biology. Well, I didnt talk to Theo much at all at lunch, even though it is his last official day at this school...it sucks, but he was busy with Lisa, so I just kinda' backed off, and I was talking to Paul, so he said he wouldn't interrupt. Ah well, I actually have to get going because Im about to see Big Fish, but I'll write later...MAYBE..for my daily readers..lol (as if I have any!!!?)

STUPID..PUNK...FREAK..IDIOT..KID AT LUNCH!
Today was a really weird day. In world history, Adal was touching me..I was talking to Tracie, and Adal came up and his hands were cold, so he slid his hands up my sleeve..I was like.."what the...?!" but yeah, it was kind of funny. Then, we had a debate/discussion. My group (Me, Adal, Tracie, Christina, and others) were assigned to talk about the war in Iraq. It was actuallu supposed to be a discussion, but Adal said let's just bomb them all, and Tracie got all into it. I think I failed because during it, I couldnt say anything. But oh well. Then..at lunch, I didnt talk to Paul, and I didnt talk to Peter all day. Theo and me talked a bit, but not much. Heather talked to me..I think she felt bad for me because I was sitting alone. ::sigh:: Well, also at lunch, I was standing, talking to Theo, when that kid from yesterday came up to me..and says to his friends.. "watch this" then he points at my shirt and says "you have something on your shirt" I just stared blankly at him, and he eventually walked away. I was soo mad. Why the hell is he freaking picking on me?! I dont even know who this kid is...NEVER SEEN HIM BEFORE IN MY LIFE! grr. Well, yeah. Colin is being a jerk...Juana is soo mad at him right now...well, so is Theo, and I kinda' am too. Sometimes, I just want to smack him!!! Oh well, Im at the library right now and gotta' finish my work. Talk later!

Looking down
Today has been long. In first block, peoere playing songs that I used to like, but made myself top listening to because they were dirty. So, they were playing them loud and it was like...running around in my head...so I seriously felt like I was going to scream...Then, in second block (world histroy) I found out I have a D+ and...if I fail the final, I basically fail the class...I mean, I've never worked this hard in a class before...so now, that Im failing, it's like my hardest isn't good enough. Well, that's not true, I could have worked harder, but not with English and Biology on top of it all. (mostly biology) but um, yeah, this really sucks. As for lunch..Paul talked to me and basically he said I have bad social skills. He got really frusterated with me...and my social skills, so um..yeah. That's 4 times this week....And then, as I was leaving lunch, this boy I dont know came up to me and pointed at my shirt and said "theres something on your shirt" so I looked down, and he flung his finger up....you know, that joke..made ya' look or whatever...So, they were just messing with me...him and his friends just started laughing. I walked away, but I was sooo mad. After that, along with my grade in world history, I wanted to cry. Didn't talk to Theo much. It sucks, this is his last week here, and I missed a day! ::sigh:: And boy oh boy, Tiff is soo mad at him. She was cursing off a storm this morning about Theo...was kinda' annoying, but I guess she had good reason. I personally don't agree with it, but hey, I have no room to talk. Oh well.
Went to Lifetime with mom today..things were going okay until the drive home when she started talking about Dad...she offered to give me her damned wedding ring! What the heck am I supposed to say to that? Whatever
I feel like I have nobody to talk to...yeah, there's Peter, we talk a lot more now than we ever have before, but still...I dont think I know him well enough to...really let go...So, yeah. Hopefully things will look up tomorrow.

Must Love Dogs, by Claire Cook (at lunch I read)
Nothing really happened today. Tried Atkins pancakes..didn't taste good...
And, um, talked to Peter before class today. For a whole like..10 minutes. Was cool. I dont even know what we talked about, just lots of random comments. Heh. But I did notice that I do get kinda' stutter-ish around him..my words get jumbled up. Im not like..shy around him, atleast I shouldnt be, but I know that doesnt really happen around other people..::shrug:: I dont know.
Sat alone at lunch, on the floor in the walkway in the cafeteria reading a book. Was cool...
Um, then I talked to Theo..And Cammy is back. Yay.
I asked Theo if he wanted to come to youth group...he said yeah, but since this is the last weekend with his Mom before he moves in with his Dad, he doesn't know. (Peter said he might come! yay)
Well. Im drinking coffee right now.
Had a world history quiz today on Latin American map..I think I bombed it. I knew all the countries and islands..but the way Mr. Dowd set up the quiz, I just got confused...
Theo questioned me about Emanuel...he said "he plays games with you, doesnt he?" That was kinda' an awkward moment...ummm.
Adal and Tracie didn't go to Anime Club after school. Theo came with me, and Tiff, Sam, Judy, Sabel, Allie, John S, and some other people all showed up. Lots of people came FOR THE ALL TIME FIRST EVER MEETING OF ANIME CLUB! hehe. People voted to watch Inu Yasha, to me that was really boring, I prefered to watch Weiss Cruz or Excel Saga, but oh well. Next week should be better.
Nothing much else to say..
Now, to add to the list, Cammy said I was acting different.
A total of three people in two days...I guess I am acting weird. ::sigh:: oh well.
Hopefully it's not a bad different or something...

And it starts over again...
Dad is going back to the hospital probably wednesday...for a "few days"
::long sigh::
Im so sick of this, I want to scream! Right when I think things are getting better, crap happens! Grrr!
Theo said today that I was acting weird...almost too happy...I guess I put myself into acting mode..I didnt really realize, but I guess I did. I know this because Im in a really suck mood, yet he said I seemed happy..so, blah. I feel like saying *Freak* the world...
Crystals swearing...
Shes crabby as hell.
Making me very mad.
Not many people talked to me today.
Peter did, came up to me in the hall. Twas funny, talked about grape juice...
Well, Im not even in the mood to complain...whatever.

Did I miss any calls today??? Nope...
Okay, so, nothing new has really happened. Um, I did homework most of the day yesterday, then went to Jackies for a bit. It was Dan and Jill's birthday..HAPPY BIRTHDAT GUYS! and....Jackie couldn't teach me how to dance because Julia wasnt there, and she said she couldn't do it herself...so, now, the rest of today I have to try and make up a dance...knowing my group isn't going to...So, Im kinda' mad. Um, youth group was pretty fun I guess. We talked about the word "Intentional." It got a bit confusing, but was funny. So, um. I exchanged an embarassing story with Julia...her's was funny, wish I could say. lol. But umm.. I talked to Peter yesterday..he's getting a new computer to go in his room. It should come tomorrow. That lucky kid! Grr. Now we have an inside joke too. About grace juice...because it doesnt even taste like grape! ^_^ Welp...Um. I (forgot) to read my bible chapters yesterday so it's double today. I dont know if I forgot, or didn't feel like it. I dont remember. ::sigh:: Ummmm. Lately, Im not feeling like myself..Peter kinda' noticed yesterday, he asked what was wrong but I just said it was nothing, and changed the subject. I think it's Tobi, but I think telling people that is getting old to them. Im not even sure if thats it anymore...but I know somethings wrong with me...I havent been talking to anyone really all week. And I got told two times this week I had bad social skills..:-\ and my sister looked directly at me in church this morning when they said "you cant just lock yourself up in your room and expect to meet someone"!!!! So, apparantly people are starting to notice somethings wrong..or, I dont know. I dont really care though.
Im not going to tell anyone what's wrong...
Heck, Im still trying to figure it completely out for myself...
Well, thinking about getting rid of my cell phone...
Nobody ever calls me, and it seems like a waste of money now...
I love it, I really do, and I dont want to get rid of it, but since I never get the chance to use it, I just dont get it anymore.
oh, and Dad and crystal are bugging me about taking vitemins, especially because I'm on Atkins...I frankly dont care if I get sick...and Im not about to take some pills to be healthy. And I still avoid wearing a winter coat at all times possible...I hate coats. Who cares if Im a bit colder than usual? I dont...Why should they????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
::Long sigh:: ... ::long pause:: ... ::blink:: ... Yeah ... I guess that's all Im going to say for now.

I'll stop mentioning your name...
Weird day. Until third block wasn't good or bad, just weird. Paul made stick figure porn..was funny a bit, but I didn't find an interest in it.But at this point, I dont really like Paul. As anything more than a friend that is. He's really cool and all, just getting to know him I find he's just not my type. I dont know, but then, in world history, I didnt say more than..10 words probably. Im not sure why, Adal and Tracie were both talking to me before the bell, which is weird, in a good way, and Mr. Dowd yelled at them because before that I was trying to study. Well, besides that, the weird part came in 3rb block after lunch. (at lunch I hung around by Paul and Juana for a little bit --Juana almost got raped...kinda...guy picked her up and started humping her, so then he dropped her and she hit her head--and then I hung out with Theo, but I kept walking away, lol, I dont know why at all! I just could not stand still! I hope he's not mad or anything.And yeah. Anyway, so after lunch in third block, Colin says to me "well atleast I dont write about people in my online journal" and then the test was passed out so I couldn't question what he meant at all. So....I asked Theo if he said anything to him....but he said he didn't so, Im kinda' lost. Might call him later, might not. Dont know.
Umm. Yeah, I want to do something tonight..
Dont know what..
Dont know when....
Dont know with who...
But I will do something...
I hope. CALL ME FOR PLANS PEOPLE!

Morally wrong, gentically correct
Oh boy...I am so completely frusterated right now. I just spent 2 hours on Biology notes for the test tomorrow. And now, I dont even have an index card to put notes on and use for the test...Grr. And I still have to study for World History...but I forgot the page numbers at school...and English, but I think I know the basics about that.
Well, I made Theo a birthday card. It was a day late, but atleast I tried..::Sigh:: he said he liked it..his journal said he liked it, so he must have. But later in the day, at lunch, he was complaining about Colin..or something like that, Im not too sure what the conversation was, but I told him he was over reacting a bit..then I took it back, because I dont know the situation with him and Colin, but I did say he was over reacting with Jennifer...because she called him a poser...I mean, Im not really talking with her right now...were not fighting, I dont think, just not talking. But uh, I just thought he needed to let it go, you know? Well, it was just a suggestion, but apparantly he got mad I said it because in his online journal he wrote that it kinda' pissed him off.
His site is....
http://blueshard.blogspot.com
Check it out if you want.
So anyway...kinda' got me frusterated that I cant say what Im thinking...Come to think of it....Tiffany is the only friend I have who I can say what Im thinking and she will just take it, and think about it. Actually think about what I say. It's cool. I love Tiff. Hehe. ^_^ Best friend. And cousin Jill. She doesn't tend to get mad when you make suggestions to her, I admire them about that, GOOD JOB GUYS! (lol) So....
Colin says to me today he says "Arent you mad at Theo because hes practicing wicca again?" and I didnt even know this, so I said no....and then I asked Theo about it and he said he wasnt, that he was a bit ago, but not really anymore. Saddens me, but Im just going to put it with God now, I dont think theres much more I can do for Colin or Theo.
Well, Ive been keeping up on my bible reading each night, which is definately good.
Oh, that reminds me...(Oh, reminding myself of that made me remember something else!!!) I met this kid, Jesse, online, and hes a really strong Christian, as am I, and he knows like, all the christian bands and he knows about worship generation and all that good stuff. So, we became pretty good friends in a few days online. But uhh...lately we haven't been talking much. I get the impression he's mad at me, though I cant really pin point why. Dissapointing, I hope things work out.
Well, I stood by Peter at lunch today..held some thing for him for a second..that was about it. lol
Didnt talk to Paul...He came up to me in the hall and said Hi, but he didnt come to me at lunch, and I didnt see him, so we didnt talk.
Ummm. Yeah, the thing I remembered before, after reminding myself to remember, was that yesterday morning, I was walking into the cafeteria in the morning, and the hall monitors were talking, about how home is sweet and all that...and then I heard them say "All we need is Todo right?" Then they started calling out "Todo!" and stuff...then they laughed.....I wanted to cry so incredibly bad...Like, because at night, I'll have a dream about Tobi, and start calling out his name, then I'll wake up and call him, forgetting for a second hes gone..and it was just a huge reminder, smack in the face. :-(
Well, today in Biology we were debating Cloning and I got sooooo hyped up. You see, Mr. Anderson gave us a packet to fill out, giving us situations about reasons to get a clone, and then we debated our reasoning behind our answer. For example, one situation was "The president of a small country wishes to clone a group of people with characteristics he thinks would make them good soldiers -- large body stature, obedience, loyalty, great physical strength, keen eyesight, and excellent hearing. he plans to use his "army" to defend his country against outside invaders." and I said NO WAY! But someone actually voted yes!! How can you even say that? Thats like trying to make a superior race. Its sick! Reminded me of all the orcs in The Lord of the Rings, how they were so strong and junk and they made millions of them....Grr! People got me so mad. People who say their christians were voting yet for these stupid reasons..and I dont see how you can say that....because if God's will was to just have us clone eachother, what would be the point of reproduction?! And, branching off that...the thing wouldn't even be human! How can it be? Yes, it has the same genetic attributes as us, but..it cant have a soul! Humans can NOT give something a soul, that is God! AHH! Made me so mad. Ignorance...
Anyway, Im done for now.

Lots of stuff
Being back in school is taking it's toll again. I'm not sure if it's this school..or if it's me, but I can feel myself changing again... Like, the little things. Im almost too exausted for my devotionals and worship each day. And a lot of the time I just feel like a small sin once wont hurt any, when I know each sin is bad, no matter how big or small. I see myself trying to creep around the facts. Dont get me wrong...I still love God with all my heart, and I still love being christian and going to church, still look forward to youth group, Im not losing my faith or anything like that. Im just saying it's soooo much harder when Im in school to be the best I can...so much stress, so much homework, so much studying. The past few days I was totally slacking on my homework, and I really have to get in shape if I want to pass World History.
Anyway, I found out what's going on with Colin and Coutney...I cant say anything, in case people read this for gossip....but, I feel really bad for them both. They were clearly stupid for having sex in the first place. But Colin is not wearing the cross he wanted, that I got for him, anymore. I asked him today why he wasn't...he said he doesnt believe in organized religion...and I tried to talk to him about it, but I didnt say much, because I know pushing him wont help. So, then he also said "If God is supposed to be forgiving, why does he send sinners to Hell?" and I said "Because, they refused to except Jese Christ as their savior..and it pains him when they go to Hell, he doesn't want them to." and he also tried to say there is nothing wrong with mixing religions...which, obviously is way out there. I just let him know hes always welcome at youth group, even if he thinks its organized..though, I dont think it is...it's casual. But, he said maybe, even though I can tell he doesnt want to go anymore. It stinks, it really does.
Um. The only time I really talked to Theo today was at lunch for a little bit...he told me how he and his friend Lisa are taunting this kid Stewart...which I think is really mean, but he thinks its funny.
Um, just said Hi to Peter in the hall...Didnt actually talk at all today.
Talked to Paul all through Freshman Foundations. Was funny. We were skipping through the introduction to computers virtual thing we had to do, and then when the quiz came, we'd take it, then review it and I'd write down the answers, and then we'd take it again, and get a good score. Was funny. So, then we were drawing in my notebook. Hes talented. And then we talked at lunch a bit. The hall monitors were complete jerks today! GRRR! Made me mad.
Mr. Anderson didn't like my drawing of him. Didnt look like him too much, but he said it was horrible...the meaning behind it. In it, he had written a book called "i poinsoned my student" and he was thinking "stupid kids shouldnt have come to my restuarant". He said to me "I never called my students stupid.." which I know is a lie because he calls Brock stupid all the time. Maybe he doesnt notice, I dont know. But Austin and Colin and Mikah (probably not how you spell it) and Sara G, were laughing (I think those were the people) because they all know he calls people stupid. Anyway. Pray for Colin, hes really...pissed...was rocking back and forth in class today...kneeling on the floor...and was listening to his KORN CD really loud. So, yeah.
Didnt talk to Jennifer.
Juana and me talked a bit, was funny...
Gotta' do homework now.
World History: 4 packets (one of them with two sets of questions, and one from yesterday)..and two map projects...
Biology: A worksheet
English: Finish Romeo and Juliet...finish the Notes and Quotes, study for the Act 5 quiz tomorrow...and start the packet project on one character...and start my extra credit!
Wooh, I really better go!

Lots went down today...in a manner of speaking.
Today was kinda' blah. Woke up, and read some of the bible verses for today before first block. I thought I'd have a good day...I got into it in a swell mood...but all day, I wasnt...anything. So, when nobody showed up in the cafeteria this morning, I went into the hall, where Theo stopped and started talking to me. Yep, fun. Then, Peter was walking down the hall, and stopped, and stepped aside to talk to me. Was cool..I was shocked, because it's so rare he really makes an effort to talk to me...like, we talk, and hes always the one to come up to me, but, I dont know. Im glad he did, it was cool.
Gym..was weird. We made our groups for our new section...dancing. Sara, Christina, and Dena are in my group. I didn't ask Dena, but everyone else kicked her out of their group, so..I really felt bad for her, and just let her be in ours. Sarah and Christina were kinda' mad..more so frusterated that she's in our group, but whatever.
Second block was even more blah. Worked with Tracie on these packets...wasn't bad. Adal fell asleep in class, so he didn't say anything to me.
Third block...getting wrose. Im getting to the point where Im just staring ahead...in a sort of daze. Mr. Anderson was crabby, and was bugging me. So, then, I get to lunch. I go to the hall, as always, and was about to sit on the floor against the lockers, when Peter signals me to come over...So, I walk over to his group, with him, Jake, and two other kids I didnt know. I stood with them until the bell rang and they had to go..but one of the kids I didnt know said "thanks for wasting your life" and I was like, "yeah, no problem" but..it was cool..Kinda' felt part of something..though it was pretty awkward. :) Put a smile on my face.
So then, Paul comes out into the hall and, as he suspected, I was there. I asked him about his middle name again, and he started to say something about third grade, but then we were forced to go back into the cafeteria, so he stopped telling me. He gave me a breif history of the submarine, and why its circular...so that was interesting..though I pretty much already knew. Heh, and yeah, things were quiet today, in our conversation. Juana didn't talk to me much, she was talking to Colins group of friends, also her other friends. So, about Colin..so many rumors...everyone knows then, but I should not say........the thing that bothers me is that Colin lied to me..He kept assuring me he's a christian, and saying dont worry..then this happens. Even if the baby isnt his...he wouldnt even have the idea it is unless he did have sex with her. So, I dont know. Kinda' sucks that he doesnt talk to me and when he does, he lies...I knew for the past few weeks that I was not as close a friend to him as he was to me...just now I know just how right I was. ::sigh:: As for Jen..I said Hi to her two times in the hall..maybe she didn't hear me..but it kinda' felt like she was ignoring/avoiding me. Not sure though, so I dont care.
Another thing that came up today was that Colin and Jen are calling Theo a poser because hes dressing a bit more punk than usual. He told me he used to dress like that, and then when he moved he, he just kinda stopped. First of all, I dont understand why they are mad at him for changing his style..its HIS clothes...Second of all...who are they to call him a poser? I mean...by definition...a poser is someone who does something or wears something that they dont usually do..but if that were the case..we'd ALL be posers..we all copy something or someone else..we all get our style from someone else, or atleast the idea from someone else...and people change their style every other month..so I personally think its ridiculous that they say this..but if I say this aloud to them..well, they'll probably throw something in my face...differnece is..yes, I used to judge people like that..but Ive worked on it and do my best to stop, and I think I've come pretty far.
Anyway, as for the rest of third block..um, we watched a movie on cloning...I think its sick. God did not intend us to copy eachother..I understand, sometime it may be helpful...for kidney failures and such, and in my case, a replication of Tobi...but, thats just never letting go. I know its hard to let go..and Im sure its really hard to know you'll die soon..but if dont people realize that if they knew God, they wouldnt have to fear death, but wait for it? I dont know....just a thought..
So, fourth block was blah. I was so completely dazed. Just looking through everything the teacher said...and everything we talked about..in one ear and out the other. Grr. Im so blah! Numb, or what right now! I dont know why! Its bothering me so bad! Actually..come to think of it........
I think it was from biology...from the movie we watched on cloning..this one family had their dog cloned..and even though the new puppy isnt the same..its like...a brother..and its related to their other dog. I wish I could have a relative of Tobi's....to live with me.. :-(

What a day...!
So much junk happened today! Crystal stayed home sick, and woke Dad up at 5:00 AM...crawling into his room, mind you, because she was so sick. So early because it takes him a while to wake up and move around, to the point where it wont hurt. So, he fell back asleep, and woke me up at 6:45. Keep in mind, we leave our house at 6:30..so, obviously we're running really late. So, we get to my school at 7:22 AM, and I get to my locker at 7:25...and the warning bell rings. So I get my stuff at my locker, then run all the way back downstairs to class. Luckily I made it. But I was dissapointed because I had no time to read my bible verses this morning, which I want to do to start the day off in a good mood.
Anyway, the day went alright. Talked to Paul all first block. He's so funny. Says I'm too negative...Maybe I am, I'm really not sure. But he's really funny. He was telling me how the word "ambidextrious" sounds sexy. It's funny now, because we're gonna' go around and say it, like "Ooh, I'm so ambidextrious today" and most people dont know what it means, so they'll think its some...weird, sick word or something. And before we know it, we hope, the school will start making rumors about people being ambidextrious. Mind you..it means you can write with both hands. lol. Nobody judge me about this! It's just a joke.
Anyway, I told Paul I dont love him, lol, he was acting as if he cared. Twas amusing. And Juana is back from Mexico. Also, Theo is moving in two weeks or so..Colin is moving in three weeks (NOO!) and now Juana kind of wants to move to Mexico..if she does it will stink so bad. Paul has two plane tickets somewhere..wont tell me where. Oh well, he also wont tell me his middle name.
So, I get home..and guess what? The computer crashed today! All day, Crystal was trying to fix it..all the way until 7:30 (40 minutes ago) we were still trying to fix it, but we finally got CompuServe loaded in. I am so mad, all my files are deleted...my stories, poems, everything. Thank God I have them published on my sites, but all the same...it will take forever to write everything down again. And, I had some story ideas written out and...AHH! Makes me mad. I knew it would crash! Blah.
And I didnt finish my english homework! GRRR!
Dan called Crystal...said this one guy, forget his name, came up to Illinois today, he works with Elvish in The Lord of the Rings..Dan and Crystal were upset because neither of them could go...didn't have a reservation and they didn't have a ride, plus Dan had too much homework. I would love to get the pamphlets and all the information that the guy was giving, but, didn't work out.

Tragedy and Excitement
When I woke up this morning it was snowing...around 9:00 am. Then, at 12:30 pm (noon-ish) it was a blizzard..and it was really icey outside. On the way to church we saw this horrible accident, with a semi truck on the side of the road, and the front of it was twisted and broken from the chains that connect it to the back side. It was really bad, so me and my sister said a silent prayer about their safety...then, on the way home, there were 3 more really bad accidents. The worst I saw on the way home was a small black car was on a ramp and tumbled off to where it flipped over to its side...there was a camera crew, and an ambulence, fire truck, police cars...it was really bad. I did lots of praying. It was kinda' scary...to think all those families who will get the news that someone they love was in a car crash...just sad. Another thing I was thinking on the way home was about snow..I kinda' decided I like it...I still hate the coldess and the wetness, but I love the way it makes people slow down..It's the only thing I know of that can make everyone slow down..I like it a lot. Because the world here, in Chicago, is so fast...everyone is rushing around trying to get somewhere. Rushing threw life without leaving time to think. I like the snow..making everyone drive slow and far apart.

Crystal is really sick. She has a strong fever. I'm pretty worried. People, pray she gets better please.

Also, in church we got great news! The youth leaders brought the youth group into one room and said they had a few announcements...Heidi said "We are expecting a new mascot, arriving around August" and all of us except Jackie were just like..oh, cool. But Jackie started yelling and saying "oh my gosh, heidi!" and we all caught on...Shes having a baby! it's so exciting. Imagine, a mini Jason running around. Lol, itd be cute. But Im hoping for a girl..though a boy would be great too! Everyone, wear pink all the time! heh.

How well do people really know me?
1.What is my name?
2.What is my middle name?
3.How old am I?
4.When is my birthday?
5.What is my favorite color?
6.Who is my favorite band?
7.One of my favorite movies?
8.What is my favorite food?
9.What is my favorite beverage?
10.What is my favorite book?
11. What book affected me most?
12.What religion am I?
13.What is my favorite anime?
14. What is my favorite Disney movie?
15.What era do I wish I lived in?
16.What is my favorite video game?
17.Another of my favorite movies?
18.What is my favorite restuarant?
19.What is my lucky number?
20. What is my unlucky number?
21.Name three concerts I've been to
22. What is my favorite book series/trilogy?
23. What do I want to be when I grow up?
24. What is my favorite subject in school?
25. What is my favorite animal?
26. Would I rather be killed by a shark or bear?
27. Which do I hate more, sneezes or hiccups?
28. My favorite actor?
29. My favorite actress?
30. What color is my natural hair?
Email address -----> xxcrimsoncryxx@cs.com

Send me your answers. See how well you know me.

ShedScarletTears: talk to me here. How are you?
beyonddeath82: im good
ShedScarletTears: Whatchu' up to?
beyonddeath82: watching dat damn mtv all day
ShedScarletTears: Hah cool.
beyonddeath82: you
beyonddeath82: ?!?!?!
ShedScarletTears: Um, jill and jackie slept over..so we went to the mall with dan for a while..then came home..and took a little nap..because me and jill went to sleep around 8:30 am..blah. lol. And now Im talking to this cool kid online
ShedScarletTears: and im talking to you.
ShedScarletTears: and im bored. Whats new?
ShedScarletTears: ???Eman?
beyonddeath82: well i went to the the mall today to get more minutes on my cell but to do that i had to get a new phone and i bout 3 books today(2 are stratige guides) and i made a REALLY big cooking that i just finnished eating oh and i am talking to by best friend i moan .....i mean naomi oh and i bought the whole seriesof outlaw star
ShedScarletTears: ::gasp:: OH MY GOSH!
beyonddeath82: what
ShedScarletTears: outlaw star...::sniff::
beyonddeath82: yeah
ShedScarletTears: when are we ever going to hang out?
beyonddeath82: ......::::OUTLAW....STAR::::.......
beyonddeath82: i like this text
ShedScarletTears: okay
beyonddeath82: tomorrow
beyonddeath82: no i cant
beyonddeath82: sunday
beyonddeath82: yeah
ShedScarletTears: not sunday
ShedScarletTears: i cant
ShedScarletTears: why not tomorrow?
beyonddeath82: wednesday
ShedScarletTears: cant. ::sigh::
beyonddeath82: jake
beyonddeath82: tomorrow
ShedScarletTears: ::sigh::
beyonddeath82: what
beyonddeath82: i have other friends
ShedScarletTears: .....
beyonddeath82: +but keep your day open
ShedScarletTears: whats with the attitude? excuse me if i wanted to hang out..sorry..
beyonddeath82: keep the day open
beyonddeath82: kus jake is an ass and will probably not meet up wit me
ShedScarletTears: no..im gonna make plans because you never hang out with me neither..
beyonddeath82: well if you want you can come with i just dont think you'll have fun
ShedScarletTears: its fine..ill just third wheel with jackie and dan tomorrow
beyonddeath82: why didn't you go to the new years party
ShedScarletTears: they discluded me
beyonddeath82: basterds there family
ShedScarletTears: No....they just didnt have enough room in the car...so i stayed home


Then, he signed off.. GRR! I dont get him at all..Im so done..just done. If he wants to hang out, he can make plans and he can follow through.

Oh well, anyway. Atkins again. Im holding pretty strong.

Also, I met this kid online, in a chatroom. Hes a christian, goes to First Love Calvary Chapel in California..he lives 20 minutes away from Chuck Smith..who bought Crystal a SmithField t-shirt at the worship generation retreat! Weird. Its so surreal...we like the same bands..he knows all the christian bands..very cool! Im excited. lol. Fun fun fun.

Prayer Request!!!
Jackie and Jill slept over last night. Twas fun. Jackie and Crystal went to bed around 12:30...while me and Jill stayed up until 8:30....AM. Heh. We played UNO three times, watched K-PAX (and the ending of that three times), watched Kate and Leopold, and Extreme Days. And for the rest of the time we talked..about everything. Asked eachother all kinds of questions, made true confessions....it was cool. At one point in the night, I just...thought about humans..and how...blatently stupid we really are. I.E. Whats with the comment "Take a Seat." Who made that up? (This thought came from K-PAX) I dont know, that movie is just really, really great. I definately reccomend it. I was also thinking, would I rather not know anything, or know it all. I mean, basically know wrong from right..or good from bad. For example...if nobody ever told me not to eat the skin of a banana, would I find it to be nasty if I were to eat it, not having the knowledge of not supposed to eat it...? Could being oblivious be better? If so, couldn't we experience everything for ourselves...like when you see a movie, and someone tells you its bad, in your head, your automatically going to look for things wrong with the movie..while if you go in with no opinion of the movie, you can make your own opinion. I decided I'd rather not know anything...in that sense..
Anyway, today, we were in the car at Portillos and I asked Crystal if she believed it that we are the only planet in...everything everywhere, that has living beings..and she said yes. It does say it in the bible, and I just asked because I realized last night that I always believed so deeply that their were other forms of life...maybe not in our reach, but I always figured they were out there. But now, I just seem to be able to understand, that we are it. God made us, and thats it. I think its cool. But then my Dad said he didnt beleive it..and he was about to say the bible was written by some crazy man, but me and Crystal said stop..and it led to a mini-arguement...This just cleared up my thoughts about Dad definately not being saved. I know he hates going to church, he wont read the bible, he doesnt believe half of anything we do...he just needs a lot of help. For this reason, I decided to pray a bit harder for him from now on. I cant imagine him..dying and going to hell...to suffer endlessly...Its just a sick thought..for my own Dad...Its hard though, living with someone who does not believe what I do...especially when theyre my parent..who Im supposed to follow in beliefs and stuff. Blah, I wont changed my religion because he doesnt agree with it, no way! So, anyone who reads this, please pray for my Dad, and for God to just help him find God, and want to go to Heaven...and yeah, to just turn to Him in all his troubles. Thanks so much.