New Years
Hey all. Happy new year. Thank God this year is over, right? Well, I didnt really do anything over my winter break. I go back to school on Tuesday and I have a crap load of homework to do tomorrow. Tonight I have no plans - we cant think of what we can do for New Years Eve so we are just going to sit at home; enthralling, huh? Well, I made a College Wishlist at Amazon.com of things I need/want for my dorm.

http://www.amazon.com/gp/registry/wishlist/2MSM3EF46LS5W/
If you go to the drop down menu that says 'date added' change it to the priority one because thats in order of what I need and then what I want. :-P

Anyway, thats all for now.

CORNERSTONE 2007!!!

underOATH
Relient K
Switchfoot
David Crowder Band
Flyleaf
Emery
Skillet
Pillar
Anberlin
The Almost
Disciple
The Chariot
Leeland
Family Force 5
The Wedding
Kids in the Way
House of Heroes
Nevertheless
The Crossing
Glenn Kaiser Band
Friday Mourning
Edison Glass
Future of Forestry
Dizmas
Lost Ocean
Crimson Moonlight
The Satire
Inevitable End
Mumsdollar
Deas Vail
Mark Lee Townsend
The Wiitala Brothers
Cool Hand Luke
The Myriad
El Death
Flatfoot 56
The Lost Dogs
The Violet Burning
Eric James & The New Century
The Last Hope
xDEATHSTARx
Seventh Star
Inked In Blood
War of Ages
xLOOKING FORWARDx
Alove For Enemies
Raised By Wolves
FBS
Our Corpse Destroyed
MeansSivan
Spitfire
The Handshake Murders
Maron
With Faith Or Flames
The Gospel is a Grenade
The Blue Letter
Roe vs. Pritzl
Michael Roe
Civilian
theHOPEsymphony
Michael Pritzl

5 months and 29 days until Cornerstone!!!
I CANT WAIT!!!

Ode to Winter Break

Well today is the first official day of winter break. I got up at 9:30 and now I dont know what to do. I plan to read the bible every day during the break (though I'm not entirely sure what I'm going to read) but I am set on doing it. Also I am going to be reading through "No Perfect People Allowed." We just did a study at Ecclesia called 'No Perfect People' and it was about how people in the bible weren't perfect and we shouldn't be trying to live up to this expectation of perfection that we or society has set for us. They got the idea from this book which is written by post-modernists so I'm going to read it for more information. I am also reading a book called "Uglies" which was recommended by Stephenie Meyer (she wrote 'Twilight" and "New Moon" and I LOVE those books). Uglies is about a place where people are made beautiful at the age of 16 but until then they are ugly. They even separate the uglies from the pretties by separate towns, so it's real interesting so far. As of yet it does not compare to "Twilight" which is about vampires but it's still been a good read so far. Actually, I'm just glad to be reading again because basically all the books I've read in the last many months have been for school.

So, I'm in love with this band called "Red Jumpsuit Apparatus." My friend, Chrissie, introduced me to them and I cant stop listening, they're addictive. This song called "Your Guardian Angel" is amazing because the song seems to coincide with "Twilight" Anyway, that's the soundtrack I've been listening most to lately. I'm sure all this useless information is enthralling.

So in small group we all made a covenant about something we wanted to work on. I said I wanted to work on being better at socializing and valuing my relationships with people because that is something I've never been good at and community is something the bible stresses as very important. We made the covenant over two months ago and I realized last week that I haven’t don’t much of anything to work at it. I noticed my lack of effort when I realized that the opposite has sort of happened - I've lost or found that many of my friendships are weakened. I don’t know why, for many different reasons I guess but it's still a fact. I don't hang out with people anymore and, I suppose, that's why I have time to actually read for pleasure. It’s been great to have some time but I also know that I need friends right now. I need people to talk to, especially right now as it's Hanukah and as Christmas approaches. It is really easy for me, and Crystal, to fall into depression and a friends accountability probably wouldn't hurt, but it's not there for me.

So, that’s really I have to say for now. Oh, and also that I got into Roosevelt University. And I got a 24 on my ACT – I wanted a 26 so I’m disappointed but whatev, it is what it is.

snow day

WOOH! We have a snow day! Its the first snow day in 12 years! (According to my friend)!!! I cant believe it! I got up and was ready to walk out the door when I checked one last time to see if we had school and we dont! THIS IS AMAZING! I dont know what to do with this time now.. Of course I have quite a bit of homework and I should do some bible reading BUT STILL, I have the whole day to catch up and get ahead on homework. And just relax. Incredible.

I wish there was a better word to describe this feeling.

GNOME diaries

http://www.lulu.com/eyelinedplane

College Stuff

Hey, its been a month since I last updated. Sorry. Partly because I've been busy and partly because I just dont know what to write. So whats new: I've been applying to colleges and writing essays and doing campus visits and going to church & small group and doing that whole school thing plus clubs on tuesday and thursday and blah blah! Last Saturday, the 30th, I went to NIU for a campus visit. It was nice - I had an interview with an admissions councelor and he basically told me I'd have no trouble getting accepted. Comforting but also dissapointing because I want to attend a competative school, so NIU remains a backup. Also, I've sort of had second thoughts about Wheaton, North Central, Roosevelt, and Elmhurst. Haha. I dont know if I want to go to Wheaton because its a Christian school and I'm not sure that I want to be surrounded by fellow believers. I mean, I love fellowship but at the same time I feel like I'd be putting myself in a quaint little bubble if I were to go there - I dont think its what God is calling me to do BUT I am most likely still going to apply there in case Im not hearing God correctly. Then there's Elmhurst; they offer all the classes I want but they're only 25 minutes away. That is really anti climatic I think, it's basically a community college and I'd rather go to NIU than them. North Central is a good school but again, I'm not sure that it has the distance that I'm looking for. (Given, NIU is only an hour away). Also, from what I've heard, North Central doesnt have the best english program (not that its bad, they're just not known for it). Finally, Roosevelt. I thought they offered all the courses that I'm interesting in but it turns out they dont. All they offer are the english classes - and I dont think thats enough for me to live in Chicago. Then again, I dont know! As I'm sure you've realized, I just dont know. My top choice is Illinois Wesleyan but they are really hard to get into so I dont think I have much of a chance. Then there is Monmouth College which is about 3.5 hours away (located in bufu) but 17% major in english so it may be a really good place for me to start.

Otherwise, church is going good. We attend a small group on Saturday mornings and church service on Sunday evenings. It's nice - though opposite our former schedule of Ro0ts on Saturday night and church on Sunday morning. Anyway, its going good. We're making some good friends there and they are mostly all out of college so they are really helpful to me right now. Michelle (a girl from small group, also an english teacher) offered to look over my college essays. Also, Jenna (one of the girls at small group) offered to take me driving!! So things are going well - I'm pleased. Right now we are going through the book of Acts which is hard but at the same time it's good for me because I dont understand a lot of whats in Acts. But enough said, I have a lot of work to do on this day off. (thankyou Canada for Columbus Day!)

L ! F E

Alright, I'm just going to throw this out there - the value of human life has decreased and I'm just not starting to realize how much. With debates about euthanasia arising more and more each year and along with that doctor assisted suicides. When is it ever okay to help someone die? That is murder - and realize that even in places where doctor assisted suicide is legal, if they are ever accused of abusing their power they are tried for murder. Another thing is that there is a line in the oath that all doctors swear to follow when they become doctors that says they will, by no means, ever help a patient to die. Doesn't euthanasia and doctor assisted suicide go against that very oath? Here, is it very obvious that the value of human life is small. Argue that it is ending their suffering - fine - but keep in mind that they're suffering wouldn't have been prolonged if we didn't keep them alive.

Another easy way to see the de-valuization [not a real word] of humanity is in new cases of suicidal college students being kicked out of school. A recent news article brought to attention the issue of suicide and the pandemic that is has over colleges. The article, written by David B. Caruso, stated that attempted suicides in college settings have been isolated as being unacceptable student behavior. Caruso seems to be aiming the article toward an audience of college student, concerned parents, or possibly even college faculty. At Hunter College a nineteen-year-old girl attempted suicide by taking excessive amounts of Tylenol. Fortunately she was able to call for help in time to save herself but when she came back to campus and went to her dorm, the lock had been changed and she was forced to leave school – she was expelled.

And then there is suicide bombings. It seems to me like the value of human life in that part of the globe is so miniscule that is barely exists anymore. This is just sad - human life is huge, it's extreme, it's exhilarating and to minimize that to what it's become cannot be right. I think our world is in desperate need of a reminder of the value of life. Scientists say that our existence is just a FREAK occurrence of the cosmos (if that were true, are humans just going to waste away the small blip they have in the years of earths life?)

As for Christians or really any believer in the hereafter, why waste away? The Bible says that in the end, the earth will be renewed. As Rob Bell put it in his book Velvet Elvis: "And God isn’t just interested in reclaiming his original dream for creation; he wants to take it further. Imagine if you took all the sin and death our of the Bible. You would be left with a short book. It would have four chapters to be exact: Genesis 1 and 2; Revelation 21 and 22. In Genesis 1 and 2 we are told of a garden, but in Revelation 21 and 22, we are told of a city. A city is more advanced, more complicated than a garden. If a garden is developed and managed and cared for, it is eventually going to turn into a city. If there was no sin or death, creation would still move forward because God doesn't just want to reclaim things; God wants to see them move forward." (Bell 161). So the earth is our home even after the fact; He will make things good.

And Then I Turned Seven

Alright, so it's been a bit since I updated - sorry about that. I have been in school for a week and a half so here is what's been happening. I started Weight Training and Trig. and H2O club is officially begun. Weight Training is hard - we are going to work up to running a mile a day and then we'll be lifting weights for the last hour. After the first day of this my muscles were killing me. haha. But it'll be for getting in shape! Okay, and Trig. is alright. Of course it's boring and really it's just taking advanced steps for geometry but because I have it every other day I can't keep things fresh in my mind. But for the most part, both classes are fine.

Now, as for H2O. As I said a few times I wasn't sure if I wannted to lead again; last Sunday the leaders met at Caribou Coffee to discuss the game plan for the year. I guess we'll be separating into three groups again (each of the leaders leading one group - I'm leading prayer group). When I started to tell them that I thought they should lead more this year they said 'Noo. You're the only senior - you're like the elder of a church!' So I didn't quite know how to say "I dont care, I quit!" That being said, I am still a leader. I hope things go more smooth this year - I have a lot of plans for the Prayer Group. I think I'm going to take a lot of stuff from "Velvet Elvis" and different things we've done in Ro0ts and Froot Loops (especially the prayer study that Heidi led for us) and just do my best.

As for things with Ma', well things are not going well. We fight almost constantly - I can not stand her. I think one of the worst things is that her being around prevents me from reading the bible. Don't get me wrong - I know that it's MY choice to read and nothing she does or says can really stop me - but lately it's been like right when I'm about to go read it, she says something (anything) that throws me into a fit of anger and then it's like I don't have the mentality to even look at my bible. Perhaps that can be due to guilt - I swear at my Mom a lot now and I'm sure, in some way, that factors into my not wanting to read. But the thing is, she is really hard to live with. She doesnt do anything for us that Mom's are supposed to and she is the polar opposite of Dad. He loved us unconditionally and she hates us unconditionally. He would do everything for us and she wont do anything for us. Like, on Friday, Crystal's car was acting up and she didn't want to drive it until she got it checked out. She asked Ma' to drive her to work and she said she would but when Mom realized that it meant she'd have to pick Crystal up too [during rush hour] she wouldn't do it. Crystal said "Okay, so what if my car stalls in the intersection and I die?" And Mom said, "That's not my problem!" Like, WHAT IS THAT?! So things are not going well with her.

On that note, I didn't go to school on Friday. Thursday night I had a dream that I got a small hole in my hand (like actually a hole through my hand, so I could see through it). And I went to Heidi and she advised me to go tell my Dad and so I went to but he wasnt there so I went to Mom and she was like "Call Crystal, I'm not taking you to the hospital!" so I called Crystal but she was at work. I woke up Friday at 4:45 a.m. and was just crying because it's such a testament to how my Ma is (as I was saying above). But I got all ready and we were about to leave when Crystals car started acting up. I just slept the whole day though. But yeah, things are getting hard. I mean, especially now with school because I'm back in that normal routine but he's still missing. I guess it's hard to explain but starting school made it harder to deal with.

So anyway, last night we went to a concert. How we found out about this concert was pretty interesting: we were at Woodfield Mall buying stationary when these two guys stopped us and said "Okay, can we ask you a question. Dont think we're creeps. Uhm, were in a band and our tour bus broke down and we were jsut wondering if you wanted to buy our CD. It's $5" And we were going to but Crystal only had a twenty dollar bill so we went to the store to buy the stationary (they came with) and we gave them the change from the purchase. Then they told us about their show that night and yeah. It was comprised of small bands (not well known) but they were all good. Some bands that were there: "And Then I Turned Seven," "Camry," "The Skies We Built" and "1997." We took Jill with and it was fun but everyone started at us like outsiders - probably because we were three of a few people who weren't full out emo. After we brought Jill home we picked up Dan and hung out until about 1:30 AM. First we went to Streets of Woodfield where Dan got his picture taken three times. Then we went to Denny's where, well, many things happen. For one thing, we were sitting eating our food and the guy at the booth behind Dan turned around and was staring at him. Eventually Crystal told Dan "Hey, I think that guy wants to talk to you." so Dan turned around and the guy screamed "Holy ****!" because of Dan's make up and stuff. It was hysterical. Fun night. We're also going to pick him up later today and we're all going to go to Wheaton Bible Church. Yay, the inevitable church hunt has begun!

I Miss My Routine!

So today was the first day back to school - it was miserable. I could swear that I didn't sleep a wink last night and nothing exciting happened the whole day so it was not at all easy to stay awake. First block was Law and that was alright - I thought I was one of the only seniors in the class because everyone looked so small but it turned out that at least half were seniors. The course sounds fun because its all about debating what's fair and what not but at the same time I do not excel at graded discussion which turned out to be the whole of the class.

For second block I had AP English and it was, to say the least, overwhelming. They distributed "Crime and Punishment" today and we have to read the first past by Sept. 7 with a 1-2 page analysis on each chapter! On top of that we have to prepare for our (3) summer reading essays/tests! AND we have to read this article about essay writing and then anylize it. AND it doesnt end there - every week we have to read a current event article and write an anylsis on it all the while we have vocab words to define. I think that's enough said for AP english...

So after that I had Astronomy. That's a class I can get behind. I didn't know that for every star there are planets orbiting them... like we orbit the sun. That's crazy! For homework we mostly have to look at stars; which I think is funny because I cant imagine it ever getting clear enough to really see stars in the sky so I guess that means no Astronomy homework?! And after all that I had lunch and seminar which were probably the worst parts of the day. I hate being in school when I have no class to be in - especially when I'm exhausted. And not only that but there isnt anyone in my seminar to talk to.

It doesn't even feel like senior year - I keep referring to last years seniors as seniors, even though my class has taken their place. It's just weird. So that was my day - miserable. And almost worst of all - I cant journal numerous times a day and I cant drink my many cups of coffee!

Old Friends and New Ideas
I finally hung out with Chrissie and Kami on Thursday - it was pretty fun. We got all retro and played truth or dare. I must say, the connotations with that game have never been too wholesome but it's an easy way to ask the people around you the questions that are burdening your mind but that don’t quite fit into casual conversations. And my old friend Juana offered to drive me to school this year - I think it sounds fun but I haven't hung out with her since 7th grade so it has serious awkward potential for the first few days. Though when we went to see Shannon, who we were friend with from childhood but hadn't seen in a long time, it wasn't real awkward. It was weird, no doubt about that, but it was fun. I imagine that is similar to what a high school reunion would be like: seeing people that you once knew so well - inside and out - and then you meet up with them and they look just different enough for you to have to take a second look and their mannerisms are the same but the content of the conversation has changed. It's bizarre. And along this pattern of old friends making an appearance in my life, Emanuel has. I think I mentioned in a previous post that I saw him at the mall a week ago but the most recent news on him is that he got a job working at XXI; which most know is also where my sister works. -_- Go figure.

Anyway, all I have been up to lately is watching Dawson’s Creek. Laugh if you will but I find it to be sufficiently entertaining for hours upon hours. But do not be mistaken, I get my intellectual stimulation from the books. It is true, that is, the rumors and gossip chains that have spread of my taking up reading again. I finished "Pride and Prejudice" and I have to agree with Cathleen [Kelly] on this one; the language [words like felicity] are at the very least captivating and as I read it I couldn't help but wonder yet again if she would end up with Mr. Darcy. "Confession. I have read Pride & Prejudice about 200 times. I get lost in the language. Words like "thither", "mischance", "felicity." I'm always in agony over whether Elizabeth and Mr. Darcy are really going to get together. Read it. I know you'll love it." I also finished "The Picture of Dorian Gray" which I found to be incredibly fulfilling. It was a dark romantic satire written by a homosexual in the years when homosexuality was a practically a direct sentence of death. They actually used the novel against him [Oscar Wilde] in trials for allegedly having affairs with young boys (a.k.a. rent boys).

I also read “Said the Shotgun to the Head” which was by Saul Williams and it’s one long poem about love and religion and war and all that good stuff. Uhm, I enjoyed it. It is spoken-word poetry which is new to me (mostly because we are only taught to read poems by Emerson and Keats and Shakespeare and Dickenson and Whitman and other poets that stick to such molds) but it is my hope to expand my horizons. He is a poet, preacher, actor, rapper, singer, and musician. He played in ‘K-Pax’ and ‘Slam.’ I think he’s one of those poets that people are either going to love or hate – I don't see much of a middle ground. I also think people would have to be relatively open minded to enjoy his work but I do and I’m rather looking forward to listening to some of his music. I also bought a book by Voltaire called “Candide” and a book by Billy Corgan called “Blinking with Fists.” I haven’t read either of those yet obviously because I got them today and I’m still trying to finish the summer reading books but I’m excited to delve into them.

On another note, my current favorite song is “The Ballad of Henry Darger” by Natalie Merchant. It’s interesting that I found the song because I am fascinated by Darger. I saw a movie on him called “In the Realms of the Unreal” and it’s mind boggling. [by the way, I wish I could think of another way to say ‘mind boggling’] I don’t even know where to begin in talking about his life and I’m by no means an expert so I’d just suggest that anyone reading this go look him up on wikipedia.com. All I will say is that he was a reculsive writer/artist from Chicagoland. I’m also interested in getting some “Mewithoutyou” CD’s but I cant seem to find them anywhere so if anyone knows where I can find them, let me know! And seeing as that it’s about 4:00 AM and I might go to church today I am going to head off but we are by no means done with this conversation! G’night love.

My Official Schedule

Term One
1A Law & The Individual
1B Law & The Individual
2A AP Lit & Comp
2B Trig-Prod Stat
3A Astronomy
3B Astronomy
4A Seminar
4B Fitness/Wt Trn

Term Two
1A Dramatics
1B Dramatics
2A AP Lit & Comp
2B Trig-Prod Stat
3A Rhet of Cinema
3B Rhet of Cinema
4A Seminar
4B Fitness/ Wt Trn

Term Three
1A Partners PE
1B Seminar
2A AP Lit & Comp
2B Trig-Prod Stat
3A Chemistry
3B Chemistry
4A Soc Sci Survey
4B Soc Sci Survey

Term Four
1A Partners
1B Seminar
2A AP Lit & Comp
2B Trig-Prob Stat
3A Chemistry
3B Chemistry
4A Soc Sci Survey
4B Soc Sci Survey

So yeah, I start a week from today.-_- I'm not too much excited anymore, I'm rather enjoying my lack of activity these days. I mean, when else can I go two weeks without talking to pretty much anyone and without leaving the house?!NEVER. For sure. I can definitely say that this summer my anti social attitude reached a new height. Haha. I am looking forward to being productive though and have some things to distract my mind from the things I've found myself consumed with thinking about. Still, adjusting to another sleeping pattern will prove to be quite the struggle. I go to sleep at 5:00 (I managed to pull back from 9:30 AM to 5:00 AM but I still have about 8 hours to pull back.) Yikes. Well, tonight I am supposed to go out with Kami and Chrissie but they havent called yet; I'm just waiting for the phone to ring... Bored bored bored. Welp, until next time.

Cant Sleep Again

Its 2:45 AM! I cant sleep - I have to get up for church in just over 5 hours! Gr arg. So Yesterday (actually Friday) we hung out with Dan and Erik. Uhm, it was fun. It was weird to go outside/be in public because I really havent left the house in 2 weeks! >_> Like, I left a few times but not for long. CRAZY! It was weird. Felt awkward. Uhmmm. I got an IPOD. I dont know if I mentioned that yet but it is true, I did. I only have about 1200 songs on it but whateva. I'll crank up the tunes soon. Hmm. I saw Eman at the mall! Yeah, it was bizarre. I didnt say hi of course. I hate seeing people around. Like, I'd much rather chat with someone online than talk on the phone with them or in person. But the phone is the worst. I HATE CALLING PEOPLE! GRRR! So yeah. That's my story. OOH! I learned something new. The word quixotic. It has to do with that book Don Quixote. Umm, yeah, it means ideal and inpractical because the main character of the book one day decided he wanted to be a knight and that endeavor is ideal yet quite inpractical. Yup. I guess it's a big deal to not have known about this book. The elders made quite a deal of my having not heard. Okay, so I'm gonna try to go back to bed but the chances of falling asleep are almost as low as the ceasefire is of lasting between lebanon and israel. G'NIGHT!

My Thoughts on Stuff

I think light gray is the new dark gray (and by that I mean gray is the new black).

I think 'cool' is the 'cool' (being in how it is used).

I think the revolving door is incredible: its noiseless, theres no chance of collision, it cant be blown open, wind and snow and dust cant blow in...

I think the word 'Understand' is very annoying because it really makes no sense in the english language.

Not An Entirely Coherent Post

Well, we just watched “What the bleep do we know?!” It was a film about science and spirituality and the mind and self consciousness. At one point a man was talking about consciousness and he said that, to put it simply, consciousness is awareness of self, for an example he talked about how when a person looks in the mirror he knows that they are looking at themselves but that made me think of a child who first looks in a mirror. The child has to make various movements in testing the mirror, trying to figure out what it is they are looking at. They don't know that they’re looking at themselves. Does that mean that consciousness isn’t a physical acknowledgement or awareness of a sort, but simply a mental state of knowing?

It also talked about how we perceive things. I forget how they put it but it was like we see things how we choose to. The main character saw herself as fat and she hated churches and men and marriage because of the unfortunate events that happened in her life concerning those issues. Throughout the movie a quote kept creeping up in her mind, “If thought can change water imagine how thought can change us.” By the end of the film she realized that her thoughts were making her see herself as fat and she was allowing herself to be angry all the time. She was able to come to love herself. It was beautiful. It was just really interesting because it goes back to my ideas that we can basically brainwash ourselves. I once trained myself into believing that orange juice woke me up in the morning – as caffeine would. It also goes along with my ideas on romanticizing things. I am a major supporter or romanticizing things and that’s partially because I think in doing that we can make ourselves happy. I had this idea of taking things that annoy us and somehow altering them in our minds to being something that we love. Like, when people do stupid things on the road they anger us to no visible end; if we could somehow alter the situation into something that didn’t make us so mad then we could be content with what had happened. So I came up with this thing: when someone does something stupid on the road I would give them a reason for it – he’s speeding because his wife is having a baby or they’re not driving well because there’s a family emergency that they have to get to.

The movie also talked about new things: like new dimensions. The guy said something like how you can’t learn of new things if you don't embrace these new things as a possibility. It reminded me of God because the 3D character saw the 2D world in full but the 2D characters were flat (they only saw things on the surface). So like, why do we presume to know anything? God, I believe, is multidimensional and the film gave me the imagery to understand more fully the thing that people always say: that God can see the full picture and we cant. I know that as I write this I’m not making full thoughts and I hope that when I read this in a few weeks I will understand the potential of these thoughts.

Having just watched “Good Will Hunting” and “Finding Forrester” which are about unexpected geniuses and then watching this… It’s just like... THOUGHT. As time progresses so does the thoughts of humanity. Someone I know once said that we all go through the same patterns of thought at the same times because somehow society goes throughout things together. That has to be true to some degree because why else would new fashions appeal to people on such a wide scale at all times? And why does society go through phases of what names are popular for that decade? In the 20’s names like Gertrude were popular but now those feel like “old lady names” and I’m sure that fifty years from now names like Emily will feel like “old lady names.” I think that one day, when we reach a point of too much knowledge – the point where we can’t function because you know too much and you don't know what truth is. You don’t know reality anymore – you are so out of touch with what you once knew as truth that you can trust anything. You cant trust that when you get out of bed there will be a floor to step on. Anyway, I just think that when we reach that point of knowledge and when we learn how to access more of our brain, that’s when God will come back.

Too much NOISE

I havent really slept all week and this afternoon I was so tired that I actually could have slept. I was out for about an hour and then the people who live below us had their music going so loud that it woke me up. Thankfully Crystal went down and asked them to turn it down. I slept for four more hours (THANK GOD!) When I got up I had coffee and was chilling for a bit before I put the movie on ( I rented "What the bleep: Down the rabbit hole") So I sat down to watch it and I could hear the phone ringing in the apartment next door, my mom's clock ticking, the coffee brewing, crystal typing, and some noise outside. Now Crystal is on her cell phone, a plane is outside making noise, I have music playing, I'm typing, the coffee's brewing and my head is pounding. ::GOING MAD:: So yeah, that's that.

This morning I watched Dawson's Creek. I still love that show and I'm not ashamed to admit it; the same way I'll gladly admit that I'm a Hilary Duff fan. Every morning this week I try to watch Dawson’s Creek but it's on at 8:00 am. Because I can't go to sleep early enough to be able to wake up on time I don't go to sleep until after the show. This much implies that I go to sleep at 9:00 a.m. Besides that, I haven’t really been up to anything. I get real bored often and because I'm so bored I can't bring myself to enjoy doing anything. Inconveniently that means I still have a lot to read before school starts. To my misfortune, school starts on the 23rd this year - though every other year it started the 28th. -_- This change is most unwelcome but alas, there is nothing that can be done. I am halfway through 'The Picture of Dorian Gray' which I really enjoy reading. It's very cynical and almost dark. I just recently started 'Pride and Prejudice' and I'm still halfway through "Cat's Cradle" which I've found to become rather boring. I still have to read 'Merchant of Venice' and 'Fahrenheit 451' on top of finishing a poetry book by John Donne. That being said, I have much more to do before the summers end. Anyway, that is what I have been up to. On Saturday I might go out to the store and pick up some things (an IPod, V for Vendetta, a Pods coffeemaker, Titanic Special Edition DVD, and maybe some shoes). On Sunday Crystal and I are going to hang out with our old friend, Shannon, whom we haven’t talked to in a real long time but recently came back into contact. Yesterday I was looking up different colleges that I may want to attend; I think I have my sights set too high. I chose these so far: Illinois Wesleyan, Roosevelt College, Weaton, Barnard, Columbia, Elmhurst, Emerson, Reed, North Central, and Monmouth. Otherwise there is nothing else to report on.

First Semester
1A Law & The Individual
1B Law & The Individual
2A AP Lit & Comp
2B Trig
3A Astronomy
3B PE 3 & 4
4A Seminar
4B Seminar

Second Semester
1A Dramatics [I MIGHT DROP THIS CLASS]
1B Dramatics
2A AP Lit & Comp
2B Trig
3A Rhet of Cinema
3B Rhet of Cinema
4A PE 3 & 4
4B Seminar

Third Semester
1A Chemistry
1B Chemistry
2A AP Lit & Comp
2B Trig
3A Partners PE
3B Seminar
4A Soc Sci Survey
4B Soc Sci Survey

Fourth Semester
Same as third

43 things

So I found this pretty awesome site. [ www.43things.com. ] It reminds me of making a life list - you search things that you want to do and it will either show you more people who want to do it or maybe you're the first to suggest it. It adds the things to your list and you can write entries pertaining to each thing on the list. It's pretty incredible. Everyone should join! lol. Anyway, just thought I'd share that.

“All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another." --- Anatole France

This entire weekend has been dedicated to Jason and Heidi’s departure. Friday night we helped plan for the goodbye party, Saturday we attended the party and went to the last Ro0ts ever, and Sunday we watched mournfully as others said goodbye to our beloved friends. It’s really hard to even think of saying goodbye to them as they have not only been our youth leaders, but also mentors, friends, and parents. To say goodbye to them feels like saying goodbye to a part of my life that has upheld itself on a pedestal for nearly four years. Ro0ts, in my mind, has always been the ideal place to be and with their leaving, Ro0ts leave also. It is the end of an age or the breaking of the fellowship. In just a few weeks Erik and Charisse will be leaving also – the golden age of Ro0ts is most assuredly over. Thankfully I can say I’ve made friends with the people or Ro0ts (most recently Dan) and am growing in friendship with Erik. It’s hard to watch change and know that there is nothing we can do to pause it or at least slow it down. The idea that we must die to one life to enter a new chapter of our lives is interesting but most depressing. To leave Ro0ts in the past seems wrong. I don't know how everyone else feels but for me Ro0ts is something that will have to live strong in my heart forever. It may make things harder for awhile, not wanting to let go, but in the long run I believe it will be best. It reminds me of ‘Titanic.’ At the end of the movie Rose says as an old lady that she’d never spoken of Jack to anyone until that point. “A woman’s heart is a deep ocean of secrets…” I think that’s just it – she never spoke of it to anyone but he lives strong in her heart – only existing in her memories. He was the most precious person to her and to never speak of him must have been hard. That, I imagine, is what Ro0ts will be for awhile – until we all meet again. It will be a chapter of our lives that holds incredible impact but in time will be buried beneath new things. Change for sure is a melancholy thing as saying goodbye to Jason and Heidi is a very bitter sweet circumstance. They are living out what most only talk about but at the same time we will miss them a lot. Whether or not a new youth group is started or if we all continue to get together every once and a while, the consistent meetings are gone and the time has come for us to depart our ways. Winter Camp, New York, Chicago, Summer of Love, Texas, Mission Radiance, Common Ground, Stink Bomb, Froot Loops and so much more… How to let that lie in the past seems an improbable thing to attempt. Rather, I will hold onto the hope of one day feeling that same unification as we had at Ro0ts. To one day walk back into Ro0ts with everyone there, as Rose walked back into the Titanic at the end of the film and saw everyone around her on the ship – finally reuniting with Jack. One day, whether it is on earth in 5 years or mars in 20 years, or heaven when we die, I hold onto the hope of being in Ro0ts yet again.

Cornerstone 2006

Well Cornerstone was amazing. SOOO much happened and I met so many people. I barely know where to start so be warned now - this post will be extremely scattered as it is a collection of random thoughts from the last week. We got there Monday: It was really hot and setting up the 8 person tent was a legit challenge. We walked around for the afternoon - the team showed me around the campground (the team being Crystal, Dan, Josh, and Cindy). That night it rained; hard and loud.

On Tuesday Crystal, Cindy, and I went to town to Wal-Mart to pick up a few things. While we were out, we also stopped at Subway and Quiznos where we ran into a group of guys who told us of a group of protesters outside of the entrance to cornerstone. Conveniently, we ran into these protestors on our way back and I must say it was very intriguing. They gave me a handout telling me why they were protesting: they held signs that read "Cornerstone dishonors God." That afternoon the team walked up to the protestors and we had an interesting conversation. This guy thought that Cornerstone dishonored God because A) rock music, B) youth groups are evil, C) and no one has the right heart at Cornerstone because its equally secular. The conversation started when Crystal and I confronted him, but soon many people were joining the discussion. In the middle two guys making a documentary joined in and got a lot on tape. I’m interested in seeing this tape. Needless to say - nobody was able to prove this guy wrong because he wouldn’t let anyone say anything. Many of us had verses to back up our points but he was so busy trying to prove his point that nobody could get a word in edgewise. It was amazing; "Welcome to Cornerstone."

On Wednesday we saw "Underoath" on the main stage. I didn't think I'd enjoy it much because I was never too much of a fan but I was blown away. That performance would have to be my second favorite - next to Crowder. The lead singer worked the stage - he screamed. I don’t know what it was but I was entirely impressed. In the middle of one of the last songs an ambulance was pulling in next to the stage. After the song the band asked anyone who knew the injured girl to go to her; she was unconscious so they didn’t know her name. Nobody shifted - the band said they wouldn’t go on until someone went to her because "this girl was much more important that one more stupid song played" It was awesome. When the ambulance pulled in and nobody shifted to take notice of it I started to get very angry - I've been going through this thing where people don’t care about anything anymore because they're too desensitized to it. (i.e. car accidents. we see them so often that when we pass one we only look at it as an inconvenience instead of considering the person's life involved in the accident) So I was praying during that song and just asking God to help this girl when someone commented that it was a common thing and not that big a deal. I was heated. If Underoath hadn’t stopped the show I probably would have written off their show but they did and I so appreciated that small act of love for this girl (who we later learned was named "Rose")

On Thursday night we saw Crowder. He was awesome – as per usual; amazing worship experience. We met these two guys and a girl at that concert; Tim, Joe, and Ayesha. After the concert Tim, Joe, Crystal, and I went to watch the fireworks. Anyway, the show was awesome and Crowder would definitely take the cake for my favorite performance all week.

On Friday, Dan, Josh, and Cindy went to see Pirates while Crystal and I went to hear Mark from ‘Cool Hand Luke’ give a lesson. He talked about zeal without knowledge (focusing on 2 Kings 13). His teaching was awesome and to me it hit on exactly what I think is going on. He was aware of the lack of love going on these days in the church and he wasn’t unaware of his own lack of love to share to nonbelievers. After the lesson we went to talk with him and a few others and I was, for lack of a better word, ecstatic. The whole lot of us seemed to agree on these issues that the Judes has hit on in the past few months. The verse in Revelation on being lukewarm was discussed and gay rights were discussed. I loved it. I wonder what life would be like if all Christians had this same zeal for the Lord with a desire for knowledge behind it?

Honesty is an odd thing. When Mark was honest about his life outside of the band and away from the concert scene I didn’t want to believe him. He said he was pretty much a bad person – not loving unconditionally and not the perfect Christian. He was honest enough that I came to trust his word and his unending humbleness but that’s not all I realized. I realized I really do hold bands on a pedestal to live up to. For so long I’ve stood up for bands name and defended the fact that they are only human but I really only did that for secular bands. When it came to Christian bands I seemed to be in this mind set that they were beyond struggles – in my mind they needed to set an example to the world of what Christianity is. To a point that’s true but it is also true that they’re still human. This is why honesty is an odd thing; through his honesty I was able to be honest with myself about how I look at things. I see how hard it must have been for him to bring himself down from this picture perfect image we held him at because we all love to be idolized but at the same time I came to love his imperfections because of his honesty. I know this all sounds rather strange but in his mere honesty I realized a lot.

The concert was amazing. I met so many people – many in the Asylum (the Goth tent); Donna, Justin, Asher, red guy, mute boy, Mort, Amanda, Nick, Sam, etc. Most were nice but some I felt were a bit judgmental and not quite right. We met a kid at the ‘Falling Up’ Concert who had a huge bruise on his cheek from being kicked in the face during a mosh pit: we never got his name but we ran into him a few times and he was pretty awesome. I don’t even know what else to say because I’ve still skipped so much yet I can’t think of what to write next so I’m just gonna’ list stuff.

Top Concerts: David Crowder, Underoath, Cool Hand Luke, Kids in the Way, Showbread, mewithoutyou, Spoken, Lorien, The Wedding, Falling Up, Red, etc.
“Miner? Okay gotcha buddy!”
“Oooh Baby!!”
“Prozac!”
“Shushi?”

"Rest for the Weary" - Cool Hand Luke

Hey, it’s me

I’m sorry it’s so late

I can’t sleep

I knew You’d be awake (Psalm 121:4)

You’re always home

Waiting by the phone

For nights like these

When I’m feeling all alone

I wish it didn’t always

Have to be this way

I wish that I could talk to You

Face to face

But nothing compares to the way

You always listen and know just what to say

Hold my hand

I can’t stand alone

Here I am

Waiting for You to take me home

Oh, I just want to sing

I only wish there was a word

For what You mean to me

I would only say it once

In hushed tones

So it would not grow old

But all I haveIs “I love You”

You’re my Jesus, You’re my hero

Everything I wish that I could be

You’re the one who comforts me

When everyone is gone away

I can’t stand aloneHere I am

Waiting for You to take me home

And I will keep on singing

Because You hear me

And I will keep on smiling

Because You’re near me

I’ll sleep well on a promise tonight.

Dan: Lawn

Cindy: Garden

Naomi: Gnome

Josh: Flamingo

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tydyAo_f3WI

So that is a performance by mewithoutyou. I was sitting up on one of the hills and until that song I wasn't too jazzed about their music. After that, when they invited anyone to come up and dance on the stage, I was blown away. It reminds me of David dancing in the field and everyone thought he was crazy but it's so beautiful. Watching people dance on stage together and individually was incredibly inspiring.

FREE: TAKE ME

Rummage Sale

Another Unwelcomed Goodbye

On Saturday we had the Rummage Sale at church. I think it went good; more successful than the one we did for NYC. Hopefully people will remember to come to the community night on July 1st! Heh, but yeah - I was pleased. After the rummage sale me and my cousin went to a birthday party for one of my friends from school. That was alright - we didn't do much but it was entertaining.

On Sunday we skipped Church (Fathers Day and all)... On Sunday night I went to Blockbuster and rented three movies: "Dreamer," "A lot like love," and "Shopgirl." A few nights ago I rented "Nanny McPhee" and "The Family Stone."

Nanny McPhee was cute - the filming was awesome. The Family Stone was alright, though it wasn't too great; a bit confusing. We first watched "Shopgirl" first last night which was cute - I liked the narration. I rented it because we love Claire Danes. Then we watched "A Lot like Love" which I had actually already seen but it was still a great movie; romantic comedy. Interestingly, there wasa very distinct actor in "A Lot like Love" that we had just watched in "The Family Stone." His name is 'Tyrone Giordano' and he is deaf in both movies so I looked up him filmography and it turns out he actually is deaf! I think that is so cool; that he is deaf and an actor. And, even more interesting to me is that those are the only two movies he's been in. Anyway, just wanted to share that cool bit of information about that actor.

So yesterday I stayed in bed for 13 hours. Haha. Then we went grocery shopping and then we met with my old neighbor and her friend. The friend, Linda, and her husband wanted to meet Cleo. We're going to bring Cleo over to their house on Saturday and give her to them. :-( They have a big backyard and a nice sized house so I'm sure she'll be fine but I'm going to miss her.

Two Very Similar Movies

Scotty Corrigan buys an antique desk and finds a Civil War-era letter inside it, written by a woman who died over a hundred years ago. Fancifully, he writes and mails a reply...only to have it reach its destination in the past. As Elizabeth and Scotty continue their remarkable correspondence, they find themselves falling in love, and more than restless about their impending, respective, marriages. --The Love Letter

A lonely doctor (Sandra Bullock) who once occupied an unusual lakeside home begins exchanging love letters with its newest resident, a frustrated architect (Keanu Reeves). When they discover that they're actually living two years apart, they must try to unravel the mystery behind their extraordinary romance before it's too late. --The Lake House

The two movies sound very similar; I saw 'The Love Letter' last summer and when I saw the preview with 'The Lake House' I couldn't help but be confused. Was it a remake? Nope, it has no movie connections. Strange is all I claim.

Father's Day

Today was a bad day. I woke up and had a random memory of my Dad. It wasn’t much – just of him sitting in the kitchen watching the sci-fi channel and drinking coffee. All day I lazed around the house and watched Fathers Day commercials; not by choice, by fate. It was miserable, it was like in the movies when something bad happens and every channel you turn to has something to do with it. On one station there’s an episode about the daughters being mean to their Dad and then making up in the end, on another station is a cartoon about Dad’s, and between shows are commercials celebrating the very concept of Dad’s. I miss him, and I don’t need any reminders of the fact that he’s not here.

I think one of the worst parts is thinking of him in context of still being alive. Like today I did just that. Last night Cleo ate her collar and this morning, when I was going to take her out, I realized I couldn’t for that very reason. I ran through people in my head – Crystal’s at work…Ma’ is sleeping and will yell if I wake her up… Dad will… er, now he can’t. I’ll never forget how my Dad would do anything at any given time. Like one time I was about to go out with my friend and I needed a little money because we were going to see a movie; he was out getting coffee but he rushed home to get me the money (he was amazing like that).

With Fathers Day coming up and all I wish I could tell him how much I appreciate him. I wish I could celebrate it just one more time. I wish we could sit in the kitchen at 11:00 PM and watch Will and Grace as we drink coffee just one more time. It’s weird like that. At first I grieved about the memories: going out to breakfast when we were kids, or going camping… but now I grieve about the everyday things. Walking down the hall in the morning knowing he was behind me in the kitchen (his cheerful, good morning sunshine as I went into the bathroom). Anyway, today was a bad day.

Summer Cont.

So this is my first official day of summer because the weekend would have been there had I not gotten off. So, I woke up at 6:00 and rolled over until 11:00 when my dog started barking. Got out of bed, ate breakfast, took my dog out. Yeah, it was a very lazy morning so far. And even more amazingly, I dont have anything else to do today!!! Now, this situation can go two ways. I can anjoy this extreme amount of leisure time while I have it or I could think of stuff to do and not go crazy. We'll see which one I choose.

Yesterday was a long day. Went to church, then went to Barnes and Noble, then home, then to Charisse's graduation party, then to LSD's (lake street denny's) and ran into some friends and then went home and watched an episode of Everwood before going to bed. Yup. To elaborate: Church was good. Barnes and Noble dissapointing. Charisse's party was good. I feel kinda' bad because me and Jill just sat in the car the whole time (but we were talking!) so I dont know. It was a good party though. Uhm, at LSD's I ran into Richmond and Kelly and some of their friends. I met them through Kami. :-) They're cool though, I like them. And yeah, that pretty much sums up yesterday.

Over the summer I have to read 6 books: Cats Cradle by Kurt Vonnegut, Pride and Prejudice by Jane Austin, The Picture of Dorian Gray by Oscar Wilde, The Merchant of Venice by Shakespeare, Selected Poems by John Donne, and Fahrenheit 451 by Ray Bradbury. Also, I want to be reading the bible, finish the Lord of the Rings Trilogy (Im in the middle of book 1) and finish reading two other books that I've been in the middle of for too long. Soooo, yeah.

Summer

Well, I just got out of school yesterday. It should be a happy thing because next year is my senior year and then I'm done but I’m not happy to have gotten out for summer. I was crying a lot yesterday - and that resulted in my getting a cold. Evidently when someone is depressed enough they get sick so I'm assuming that's what happened.

You see, usually on final days my Dad would pick me up and ask me if I wanted to go out to lunch. We'd go to Omega Restaurant and eat the bread and butter, get some coffee, and I'd get a grilled cheese and he'd get some breakfast plate. The last time we went I got a Cappuccino. I miss him. When I got out of finals on Thursday I asked my Ma if we could go to Target and get socks and she said no. Instead she went home and watched TV for a few hours - as if that was such a pressing matter. It's just so different. She didn’t ask how my finals went and that was the first thing my Dad would ask. Then he'd say how proud he was of me - all my ma does is point out my flaws.

She complains about how my grades are slipping (not taking into account the fact that my Dad just died, I have an entirely new living situation to adjust to, and I’m stressed) and then she wont buy me any of the 6 books I need to read this summer for AP English. I'm sorry but where is the sense in that. And now all summer I have to spend my time in this place with her. She yells all the time and I hate being around her. This is not what I'd call a happy summer. On top of that, in the next month I have to get rid of my dog. I knew that I would have to eventually but I hate that its coming.

You see, a month from now I am going to Cornerstone (a week long Christian concert) and my Ma wont take care of my dog. Anyway, my old neighbors friends is looking for a dog so sometime in the next week she wants to meet my dog and maybe take her on... It's good and all, especially because I refuse to send my dog to a shelter, but its still upsetting. And mark my words, the day Cleo leaves is the day I lock my ma's cats in a cage and ship em' off. Not only that, it's the day I take all 36 or how ever many bins she has and throw them my Aunt Jenny's way. That being said, I'm not a happy camper and I can't wait for school to start back up.

Back Cover

Front Cover

"Its not that people are mad at Jesus; they're mad at the church." --Underoath in Relevant magazine

I completely understand that comment. I feel like the church is so corrupt and so uncompassionate these days that it's hard to feel anyone love from Jesus flowing through. It's no wonder people can’t understand a loving Jesus - the church isn’t displaying that. I've been a Christian for about four years and I am honestly getting really frustrated with the church right now. There are many issues that I could attack - gay rights, abortion, etc - but in general, the church seems to be showing less and less love. I think that the youth of the church is seeing this unhealthy development and we're rejecting it; unfortunately the older, more settled generations seem to be content in this unfortunate unloving show.

I feel like its becoming an older church v. younger church and I hate that it has to go to that. Underoath seems to be part of the movement in creating a more welcoming, accepting, and loving church. I want to be part of this - I also want to have a steady church to go to because without that accountability, I know at this point in my life I will fall away from God without it. I hate that there even has to be a choice though.

Matthew 9:9-13 says: As Jesus went on from there, he saw a man named Matthew sitting at the tax collector's booth. "Follow me," he told him, and Matthew got up and followed him. While Jesus was having dinner at Matthew's house, many tax collectors and "sinners" came and ate with him and his disciples. When the Pharisees saw this, they asked his disciples, "Why does your teacher eat with tax collectors and 'sinners'?" On hearing this, Jesus said, "It is not the healthy who need a doctor, but the sick. But go and learn what this means: 'I desire mercy, not sacrifice.' For I have not come to call the righteous, but sinners."

This is one major problem I see in the church; we judge and we don’t love. We forget what our purpose is here on earth; I didn’t realize until only the past year. For three years I don’t remember being taught on how Jesus lived and exactly how crucial it is that we try to follow “in the dust of our Rabbi.” Why hasn’t the church been pushing that more? Jesus loved everyone – He came for the unrighteous, so what are we doing only loving on those of our same nature?

Global Night Commute

Well last night was pretty much amazing. Despite the rain and the wind, things went awesome. The turnout was way more than I expected when it started to rain - there much have been at least a thousand, but maybe more. When we got there we started to set up the two large blue tarps that the Judes brought but we put the one with holes in it on top so soon after we had to flip them. Once we got the one without holes, though smaller, on top things went alright. Jill and I walked back and forth for about two hours probably in the rain just talking, I called Taylor at about 12 to see if he had any ideas about what else me and Jill could do and to make sure he wasnt getting drunk, lol. Then, at about 12:30 there was a group prayer where about 200-300 people gathered together to pray for the situation in Uganda. After praying, they all began to sing but by that point a few of us had already gone back to the tent because we finished praying early.

Anyway, Taylor called me at 3:20 AM and was saying some pretty werid stuff... Very bizarra... After I got off the phone with him me and Jill and most of the rest of the group were playing games, like the 7 degrees of Kevin Bacon and the movie quote game. As people were trying to fall asleep me and Jill started singing random songs. Good times. Around 4:00 I layed down to warm up because I was soaking wet, the wind was blowing on my back along with the drizzles of rain and I was shivering. Ten minutes after I was laying down, half of the tarp above us completely flew up and broke off the hook that we had attatched it to. I jumped up and grabbed it to hold it over the half of the people that were getting rained on and held it up until others came to the rescue.. lol. At that point I just stayed standing through sheer paranoia that the entire set up would collape at any given moment.

At 6 am we all gathered by the Abe Lincoln statue in Grant Park and prepared for pictures. We stood out there as the rain grew harder while Oprahs camera guy set up a crane to videotape the group holding up various signs. By about 7 we were heading back to the tent and cleaning up. Then while we were waiting for few people to get the cars since we all didnt want to walk back, a handful of us went to meet Jacob (one of the invisible children from Uganda). He was really nice and humble - quiet. Anyway, thats the night in a nutshell and Im tired, sore, and sick right now so Im about to head off to bed! :-) Goodnight - twas a wonderful experience and I'd do it again in a heartbeat.

Good deal

Well, apparantly a lot has been going on concerning the Global Night Commute this coming Saturday. Jacob from the IC rough cut video will be coming to Chicago with one of the filmmakers to go on the NBC news and then theyll both be joining us for the night commute (assuming I understand correctly). I just think that is so cool because it really feels like stuff is happening; we are making a difference - big or small.

Anyway, this morning something kinda weird happened. Crystal was driving me to school and this guy in the car next to us was signaling for me to roll down my window; I thought he was either going to ask for directions to some place or tell us something was wrong with her car. He said "Something really great is on, AM 1160!" So I nodded and turned to the station. It was a Christian speaker talking about how all Christians will have to face the day of judgment with the Lord [ring any bells.... Saturday at Ro0ts?!] Haha, so that was pretty random yet impactful. It in KINDA annoying to witnessed to in the confines of our own car WHEN were already saved but I truely appreciate his efforts because I dont have the guts to do that.

So the morning did start off bad (crying again... dont know why) but it kinda got better as the day went on, minus the PSAE's, the stomach ache and horrible head ache that lasted four hours, it was a good day.

ACT's

Today were the ACT's. I think I did poorly - my guess is I got a 22. I slept from 9:00 - 5:00 and I hada good breakfast, and I studied and practiced but when it came to taking the test, I just didn't know the material for some parts (math and science) and I never had enough time to even complete the sections. Everytime I ran out of time I just bubbled in all the blanks with a B because I figured that I'd have more of a chance in getting some right if they were all the same. (I.E. If put BDCAC and the answers were CABDA then I got nothing right but if I put them all as B then I at least get one right.you see?) So that was my day, and then juniors got out of school at 11:10 so I just came to base. I was admittadly distracted during the test because today was a bad day (referring to the amount of depression I felt when I woke up). But whatever, my score will be what I deserve and I'll figure out college stuff later; I think it's safe to say that Illinois Wesleyan, Illinois State, and NIU are out though. Tomorrow I have the PSAE's.

Rest for the weary

So we spent the night at the Judes last night - good times. I got more sleep than Ive gotten in the past 6 weeks and I was able to enjoy the company of the lovely Judses and young Ethan, whom by the way is completely hilarious. Just ask him to howl like a wolf/coyote. ^_^ So, that was good.

But something crazy has been going on lately... everyone has been dying; why? Three people died in their sleep (including my Dad) and the weirdest part to me is that its happening as spring rolls in. To me, I always imagined deaths occuring mid-winter or late winter - not end of winter early spring... But just the way it's like every week someone else dies, it really makes you think of your life and what you value. Tonight Jason talked about the day that Christians face judgement and receive different rewards, and like how Jesus could potentially say to us, "Well done good and faithful servant" and stuff like that. With how depressing the past couple months have been, that was a really encouraging thing to talk about because it actually made me feel like I have a reason to leave as opposed to facing the constant struggle to want to get out of bed or do my homework or even care about anything.

Mostly, Im just concerned about getting my life back straight with God before I allow the enemy to take advantage of my depression and make things a lot worse and also about who could die next and what I should do in response to the next death. How much closer can losing someone get? Tobi was the first close death that I have to deal with and that was like Job (not exactly but Tobi was VERY close to me) and I chose to say, "Okay God, I know Tobi died and my Dad is sick and thats hard but I still believe in you and can praise You.." Then Grandpa Gene died and that wasnt too hard to deal with but still kinda a wake up call. Then dad died and now Im starting to get to the point in Jobs life where I dont want to care anymore. The love for God is still there but the action is not behind the passion. I want to want to want to do things for Christ. (read that a few times, maybe you'll get it. lol) Anyway, I have announcements to prepare for for church tomorrow.

"Thought is real; physical is the illusion."

Well a lot has been going on so sorry for the lack of updates. School is still hard - I have a graded discussion in English class today about "A Farewell to Arms" which I will inevitably fail because I have talking during discussions; something about giving an opinion when its not entirely welcome or has already been said... I also have an essay to write for English: rough draft due Monday and final draft due Thursday. Mind you, Wednesday and Thursday are ACT's so how I'm going to manage both tasks will be interesting. As for other things in school - like H2O - things are going alright. The t-shirt discussion for H2O has been dug in the ground and basically I've given up on taking it out. Theyre ordering them sometime this week but the thing is some people want to change the color of them but I dont even get why the color matters that much. We chose black for the tshirt and bright blue for the font and now people are saying it wont stand out as much as they want it to: well then I say, ask yourself why you want the tshirt to stand out so much [hopefully peoples actions can speak louder than what their tshirt says.]

But anyway, home life is pretty much the same as before. Ma is still not adjusting much at all. She always has something to criticize: the movies we watch, the things on TV, stuff on the news, how we organize our room, or do our homework, or take care of Cleo. Its always something to complain about. I guess it was my hope that if something tragic happened, as it did, she'd be able to act completely loving and patient during the adjusting period but I see that was too much to hope for.

On a better note, Mission Radiance stuff is going good. The Global Night Commute is next week and it looks like we're going to be able to attend which is really exciting. Yay. But now, I have to go to school. -_-

Things are going really bad

So life with Ma is pretty much sick. I can not stand being at this place - she drives me nuts. The reason we got along so well before all this recent stuff was because I only had to see her when I knew I could put up with her. She complains all the time - she acts like the entire world revolves around her - she acts as if my and crystals moving in here is a burden - she never says please or thankyou - she bosses me around (contrary to how my Dad asked me to do things). This sucks and I am so depressed. I hate my life again, as I did like 4 or 5 years ago before I got saved. Im so angry and all I want to do is leave - yet that isnt an option. Thankfully Kami has been taking me out most all of this week for a few hours until my Ma leaves for work (she leaves at 10:00 p.m.) Sunday and Monday we went out with Taylor, and most of the other days we just went to random stores and hung out. Given, I have had to stay up late to do homework but its not like I can sleep anyway so that doesnt really matter. We also found out that the truck is only worth eleven and crystals car costs about nine or ten so we arent getting much out of that. Social Security is decent but it ends in a year and wont amount to much more than what will cover ALMOST one year of college [assuming I dont take any out].... So yeah, life pretty much sucks. Everyone is acting like I should be "over this" by now... Six weeks later and they expect me to be bright eyed and cheerful... Well, thats not gonna happen for a long time; if at all until I move out. Argh, I'm really mad.

Smile!

girls overnighter

“Well, I'm gonna get out of bed every morning... breath in and out all day long. Then, after a while I won't have to remind myself to get out of bed every morning and breathe in and out... and, then after a while, I won't have to think about how I had it great and perfect for a while.” – Sleepless in Seattle

People always ask me now: "How are you doing?" and they expect a deep, meaningful answer in the five minutes they spare to ask the question. Everyone wants to be the one person I confide in. Even in times of spectacular pain, people are selfish. Living in the world for nearly seventeen years, I wouldn't expect this to be a shock but it really is.

Now that almost two weeks has passed, people expect things to be over. Not many seem to realize that it doesnt end at the funeral or the week after it happens - nor two weeks, nor three. This will carry on with me for not only the next few weeks, but months or probably even years. I've heard that a parents death will stay with a person for the rest of their life. So why, then, is it that people think two weeks is enough healing time? Nearly 17 years can not be healed in the busy time span of two weeks.

So, what have I learned so far through all this? Have compassion! It is the only thing that really matters and it is pretty much the only thing I think people should be striving for in their lives.

Life

I went to my councelor today, at school. She showed a lot of compassion - that was very helpful. A few of my friends have been kinda cold hearted to my situation. Not many, just a few, but it is so frustrating. When I mentioned the fact that my councelor is going to talk to my US History teacher and try to make it so I can take that final after spring break, one of my friends acted as if it wasnt fair; she acted as if I were being a drama queen... But thankfully my councelor is trying to help out and Im just hoping things can work out for the best. I need good grades right now, and I need to do good on the ACT because I have to start applying to colleges and I would hate for all my chances to drop significantly because of this tragedy (as my advisors like to phrase it.) Thankfully, my social security looks like its going to be a fairly high ammount; so much, in fact, that it may cover the cost of college, or at least half. Assuming I'm able to receive it starting May this year through May next year [when I turn 18]

Really quickly, this week I have a lot to do. I have to catch up on all the work I missed, pack the house, and try to start reading the bible again as much as I was before all this happened. Next week I have to start moving in with Mom and find somewhere that we can send Cleo... Yes, I have to give her away. Anyway, I should get to bed... Not to say I can sleep, but I should try.

"Life and Death and Death and Life, right next door to eachother!" - Elizabethtown

Life has been hectic lately.
Last Sunday Dad died.
Last Monday I cried.
Last Tuesday I cried and slept.
Last Wednesday was Dad's funeral.
Last Thursday was the spreading of his ashes.
Last Friday was brunch with the relatives and meeting with a financial advisor.
Last Saturday was Ro0ts and running errands.
Sunday was Church and homework.
Monday was school and badminton.
Tuesday was school and H2O.
Wednesday was school and badminton and taking Cleo to the Vet.
Today I have school [I just quite badminton] and homework and running errands and Cleo gets a haircut.

Monday was an okay day - I was living in the minute, not thinking ahead or behind.
Tuesday was a bit harder but still, I did okay until the night (where as I cried most of it)
Wednesday got hard. I was tired from lack of sleep and busy and got a fever.

Thursday is today. I think it will be hard but not as bad as yesterday. Im stressed about moving and getting rid of my dog, Cleo. We have to get boxes and move into Ma's by the end of March. Change is hard - but chance amongst pain is worse. I realized though, death truly is a curse.

Michael Lee Joseph October 6, 1952 - March 5, 2006

I joined the bad minton team at school. We meet Monday-Friday from 3:00 - 5:00... On Tuesdays I have to go to H2O until 4:00 and then finish with badminton until 5:00.... Also on Fridays I have Leadership meetings for H2O.... I may not be able to make it to half of them.... But I'd really HATE to do that so I'm just going to pray about it... Today was my first meeting. I'm really bad at the sport - compared to the other girls. Still, its a good work out that I am committed to and cant "lazy out of"... Plus it keeps me busy - REALLY BUSY! lol. I dont know, mostly I just think a sport would look good on college apps. and I want eve able to do the golf team so... badminton.. wooh.. hooh..

My time is wasted EVERYDAY

Today I have a graded discussion in English class about The Scarlet Letter. I hate discussions - I loathe them even! Mostly when I'm graded because I dont like to force what I have to say into the conversation. I much prefer to sit back and listen, and if I disagree then I'll say something... Last year, during the Huck Finn discussion I didn't say anything! Literally, I completely failed. It's so much that I'm nervous to speak up because in context of Truth and Eternity, what I say about a book in some random discussion isn't going to effect the Kingdom and it almost, really seems entirely pointless.

That is something I am definitely sturggling with lately; why do I have to learn about the constitution again and spend hours studying at night for Us history tests and then read random books from the late 1700's and study them for hours for English class and THEN memorize formulas for math class in order to pass this year and move on to trigonometry next year (yay >_> ) No, I just cant wrap my mind around these concepts; I wan't to be studying the bible for hours and be able to debate/talk about certain things in the bible - NOT a random book that in the end means nothing.

In the book I'm reading, "Searching for God knows what" by Donald Miller, he just got done talking about how the Truth is NOT a formula. People these days want everything to be in a chart, graph, or formula but that is not how God is. He said something interesting; men dont write lists about how great their gal is in order to show her how much he cares - he takes everything he loves about her and puts it in the form of a poem. Poetry, not formulas - creativity, not measurments, are what gets to the human heart. Science wants to make it all a head issue but that does nothing for us because we are beings of the heart.

You know what I realized recently?

Why does the 'Christian' always have to be excluded from things?

Is it that people assume Christians are going to judge them by what they say?

If thats the case, why cant they first give Christians the chance to prove them wrong - or maybe right...

Something I've always struggled with is socializing - I'm just not good at it. So when I put an effort into being a good friend I almost expect that same effort put back. This may sound really bad, but...: I know what I do. I pay very close attention to the comments I make and to how my attitude is being portrayed when someone talks to me. I know when I'm acting short with people and I know when I make judgmental comments - sometimes I correct my wrongs and other times I dont but I know. So when someone says I came up short in a certain area, like I brushed them off one day, I know it cant be true. Why am I so sure? Because I pay VERY close attention to what I do. I socialize so little that when I do, I take notice of everything. Beyond even that, its a rather rare occasion that people try to confide in me so when they do, I most assuradly do not brush them off. Maybe the reason people avoid talking to me is because they know I hate gossip and maybe what they say is gossip but the reality seems more like they're scared I'll dissaprove of what they're doing so instead of telling me they tell their friends who will cheer them on. Honestly, most of the time it seems more like socializing is much more a burden than a freedom; much more a lock than a key. I can dish out all the love and compassion that I have but I guess what I have to realize is I cant continue to respect it in return. Maybe what I have to realize is that not all have Christ and arent as willing to give away their love and compassion.

"Matthias [Naomi] Replaces Judas" by Showbread
it is so that my transgressions have born a withered fruit,
the sun has scorched the rising plans;alas they have no root,
the bleached bones of animals bound by leather strips,
dance through the air with laughter as i wield this wicked whip,
as you did warn me carpenter, this world has weakened my heart,
so easily i disparage, self-seeking the work of my art,
and there you have come to me at the moment i bathe in my sorrow,
so in love with myself, sought after avoiding tomorrow,
where do you find the love to offer he who betrays you?
and offer to wash my feet as i offer to disobey you,
your beauty does bereave me, and how my words do fail,
so faithfully and dutifully i award you with betrayal,
the weak and the down trodden fall on broken legs,
as i walk past a smile i cast, fervor in my stead,
but my bones like plastic, do buckle backward now,
i lay in this field by Judas' bowels and anticipate the plow,
i can not be forgiven; my wages will be paid,
for those more lovely and admirable is least among the saved,
and where would i fit Jesus?what place is left for me?
the price of atonement is more than i've found to offer up as my plea,
Jesus my heart is all i have to give to you,
so weak and so unworthy,this simply will not do,
no alabaster jar, no diamond in the rough,
for your body that was broken, how can this be enough?
by me you were abandoned, by me you were betrayed,
yet in your arms and in your heart forever i have stayed
Your glory illuminates my life, and no darkness will descend,
for you have loved me forever, and your love will never end