4 AM Forever - Lostprophets.

This song IS ICONIC of so much.

Can I just be the first to say I'm SO glad 2007 is coming to an end. So much happened this year and I honestly am so excited to move on from it. My relationship with Travis is over - finally. It has been so challenging to move on from him because he meant a lot to me. Letting go of him was the hardest part of loving him (as Kids in the Way says it). Not everything about that relationship was bad. I have amazing memories and I made quite a few friends through Travis. Namely Kevin and Drew. They were so great to me when it came to getting over Travis - I couldn't have asked for anything more. And I cannot forget the fact that me and Kami re-established our friendship. She is amazing, I love that girl and I cannot wait for her to move back to Illinois!

As far as Northern goes, well it is a chunk of my life I wish never happened. I'm going to be paying for that mistake for a long time. It just keeps coming back and biting me in the butt. But I grew up a lot while there - I was off on my own and its probably exactly what I needed to become ME, not crystals little sister and not Kami's shadow. I have my own personality now and I hate to say it but you can love it or hate it but I will not change easily. I am blunt and I am brutally honest - I tell it like I see it even if it will hurt - I do this I guess because so many people have been pansy-dancing around telling me stuff and I hate it. I would prefer people just TELL ME when something is wrong or if they have a problem with me. Dont expect me to just know. That's definitely a lesson I learned this year.

As far as 2008 goes, I have a lot of goals. I NEED to get a job and pay off NIU this year. I NEED to get my license and get a car. I NEED to enroll in school. I WANT to lose 30 lbs by my birthday. Starting the year at 158 and I should be to at least 130 by May 10th. Keep me accountable! :P I also WANT to be an amazing friend to Kami, Kevin, Drew, Chrissie, and Theo. They have each been amazing to me at some point. BUT I refuse to hurt myself again to please anyone. The fact is, at the end of this year I have built a wall and anyone is welcome in my life but if they have hurt me before they will have to climb that wall. Forgive the analogy but its the best way I can describe whats going on without naming names or giving details.

Wish me luck in 2008! I will DEFINITELY need it.

Painting I did for Crystals new apt.

Get a Job -- Offspring!

Well thanksgiving break is over and I am back at school. I am not happy to be here - my roommate seems to always be in the room and she is loud. Shes always on the phone - until at least 3 AM... I barely sleep but for whatever reason I don't ask her not to. I guess because I'll be gone after this term and starting something now seems pointless. Its just so disrespectful to be talking loudly on the phone until mostly 4 or even 5 AM when your roommate has to get up at 8... Gr. Otherwise, school inst too bad. I dont like my classes and I've given up on French. I have to be failing real bad right now and putting extra effort into it wouldn't pay off - so I'm focusing on maintaining my Phil, ARTH, and ENGL grades and maybe trying to raise my STATS grade a bit. Apparently the majority of the people in my Stats class are juniors and seniors. It's no wonder I am struggling. :/ So if I can pull off an impressive grade on my Stats final it will be fine - but each test score has gone down 20%. My first test I got 90%, second I got 65% and third I got 50%. At this rate I will get a 30% on the final. Yikes.

Over the break I applied to a lot of places. Blockbuster, AMC Theater, Target, KFC, Dunkin Donuts, Walgreens, Lord & Taylors, Home Depot, Kohls, Nordstrom, CVS, Petland, Jewel, Dominicks, Babies R Us, Toys R Us, FedEx, Romanos Macaroni Grill, Michaels, T Mobile... I need a job ASAP. Unfortunately I dont have a good feeling that I'll get one.. Im willing to work anywhere - I still have to apply at McDonalds and Wal Mart. Wish me luck?

So I'm not gonna lie guys. I dyed my hair blonde - twice. And thats all I am going to say about that right now. Let me know what you think. :P

What's Going On.

I talked to my mom and I convinced her to let me move back in. She doesn't want me to - I know that. She wants to live alone, but I have nowhere else to go. I don't want to either, but what else can I do. So that's all figured out - at least for the short term. For those who don't know, I AM NOT DROPPING OUT OF SCHOOL. My mom was convinced I was dropping out and not going back so I guess that was partly why she was so mad. I am simply leaving NIU when winter break starts and Im not coming back. I'm going to get a job and earn some money so I can get a car (also I gotta get my license). Then in January I am going to reapply for FAFSA as independent and starting either in Summer or Fall I am going to hopefully attend the Roosevelt is Schaumburg. I have NO intention of not going to school; Northern just isnt the place for me. This has little to nothing to do with Travis. I am not dropping out of school to be with him. -_-

Anyway, I can only say that I am very relieved knowing I have a roof over my head come December. Right now my only focus is to pass my classes with at least B's so the credits will transfer. I am REALLY only worried about French because I dont do good on the tests/quizzes and my attendance is less than perfect. I'm also slightly worried bout Statistics but I'm confident that I can pull out with at least a B if I study hard for the next test and the final. On the first test I got 90% and on the second I got 65%. Lol, so my next scores will kinda determine my grade (that and my homework scores). English is good - I think I can pull an A. And Phil I'm sure I'll end with a B because thats what I get on all the work in there. ARTH, well I have no idea what my grade is looking like in there but I'm sure its no worse than a high C or B. :]

I don't know what to do.

Just a quick update: My so-called mother told me yesterday she doesn't want me to move back in with her. She asked for the keys back. I didn't give them to her because my stuff is still there but the fact is.. I have nowhere to go come December. I cant move in with Crystal or my mom and I cant stay at NIU because my loans are coming through the way I planned - I need to take more out to cover the fall term tuition but I cant because my mother wont cosign. Travis says I can move in with him but I know were not that serious yet and that would just be kinda a huge thing to do just because I have a lack of other options. I could also move to Iowa and live with Kami and her family but me and her sister do not get along. Also, I don't think I want to live in Iowa. Lastly, my friend Chrissie said me and her could get a one bedroom apartment together... but I still need to get a job and a car and a license - so I don't know how that could realistically work out. Right now I just don't know what to do at all.

MOVING BACK HOME

So the update on my life: I still don't have my laptop. It was finished at 2:30 on Sunday but my Mom insisted on taking me back at 12:30 so even though my laptop is finished, I wont have it until next week. Also, when my laptop was mysteriously dropped by Anonymous and the screen was cracked, apparently the hard drive was messed up so they had to replace the hard drive - all my documents are gone. I wanted my laptop back so I could work on my English essay but that didn't happen so this essay is going to be real... simple. Haha. Whatever - I don't really care anymore. I only care about PASSING the classes I'm already in and then leaving NIU. I was going to transfer to the Roosevelt in Chicago but now I'm thinking of just moving back in with my ma' (no matter how hard that is going to be), getting my license and a job and enrolling in the Roosevelt in Schaumburg. I need my license - seriously. And I need a car. basically I realize now that these next few years are going to be hell and all I want to do is scrape through them. I don't care about coming out on top anymore. Is that bad? I don't think so. I'm sure whoever is reading this knows what its like - to be kicked while you're down... I mean, people can only take so much and I've reached my limit. All that to say I have a lot to do for the next few months.

Dropping out of School?
Oh my goodness - so I guess I still owe the school about $5500.00 before my first term is covered... I cant register for classes and I cant get my transcripts until thats paid in full. I guess I have to apply for ANOTHER loan but I know my ma wont go for that - so what do I do? I mean, I'm literally considering dropping out of school for a few years until my life is more stable... like I have a job and a car and stuff. I obviously don't want to put my education on hold but I don't seem to have many more options... Soo thats the update on that. :/

Transferring
Well I have not written anything in a while... Things at Northern are going okay. Most of my classes are fine... I'm struggling with French but that was to be expected. Statistics is one of those classes that I'm just going to have to pull through. Art History is boring but pretty dang simply to manage. Philosophy takes some work but I think I'm doing good. And English... well we rarely meet but when we do its easy-peasy. As for friends... umm, there are none. Kami moved to Iowa so even when I go back to Schaumburg (EVERY WEEKEND!) its not like I have anyone to hang out with.. Well, I hang out with Travis but even thats getting to be less and less. At school I don't have any friends. I don't get along with many people here - or, more so, I don't have much in common with people here. I don't want to party and I don't listen to their music so we clash. I called Roosevelt and they said I could transfer there for Spring term without having to reapply... So I think I am going to do that. Another thing is I CANT find a job on campus...so living here is just proving to be more difficult that its worth. Im thinking that Roosevelt is the best alternative because it shouldn't be too hard to find a job, they specialize in CREATIVE writing as opposed to just being an English major, AND it would be soo easy to commute home for the weekends (or even on some week nights if I so wanted to) because I could just hop onto the Metra.

Our Tango Dance -
Tango dancing on a wire with you is exhausting
I try to balance as our hips thrust at one another –
And as we spin around each other in fantastic form
This wire likes to wobble
& I wonder if the telephone poles will continue to support our weight
The bird wires for gossip wobble
But we continue to dance
We continue to move passionately
You shout words at me
Words that graze and cut my ears
I foolishly throw myself at you
I am a fool
You thwart me away by twisting away from me
I will continue to dance
Though the wires threaten to snap
And though the heat seems to rise
I will go on dancing
Either the wires are sparking
Or there is something between us
There’s no way to tell
No way to know how you feel
No way to avoid hurt
To avoid the fire
We keep tango dancing along the wire in the sky
Clouds drifting beside us
& I fear the wires will snap
I hope they snap.

--> I wrote this poem about tango dancing when I was thinking about me and this guy. I was in the car with my sister thinking about my relationship with him and I was trying to pinpoint how it made me feel; its a feeling I'm not used to. Its not like I'm standing in the middle of an ocean with waves crashing around me and it's not like a delicate ballet dance in the middle of the winter in a forest... It's passionate (I have these feelings for him that go unreturned - an unrequited romance). Yet every move I make with him I feel like I have to carefully plan it out and find loops holes so as not to be "thrown off the island" in a sense. The tango dance is passionate and emotional. The telephone wire means a lot. First of all the part with the sparks is supposed to get across the ambiguity of everything - how something that may sometimes seem so clear (like him liking me in return) turns out to be something totally different. (the wires sparking). Then the wires also represent gossip - like dancing along a stream of words that have no real meaning. The reason it represent gossip also is because when I think of telephone wires I think of a line of birds sitting on it and it always looks like they are talking or in other words, gossiping. I really like this poem because I feel like SO many people can relate to it... Anyone whose gone after a person who didnt have feelings for them in return would understand.

BYE KAMI - BFF

A Friendship -

In winter Chicago smells of exhaust and cold; the first day of school has this smell of freshly sharpened pencils and stale classrooms; the bathroom has a smell of ‘Brute’ cologne and stale cigarettes. Everything in my life leaves a small impression in my memory – a small impression that will linger in my mind for years to follow. This summer left a new impression on me: As I recall its events I will always feel a warmth and closeness inside that follows with a scent of ‘Sensual Amber’ body spray and the sound of loud music blaring in my head. Our friendship was reunited in spring after about a six-month separation and every month we clung to each other more and more, knowing another separation rested on the horizon.

AFI’s “Prelude 12/21” rang as a text message was delivered to my cell phone. It’s Kami – she wants to know if I want to hang out when she gets out of work at 6 p.m. She came to my house around 7 p.m. and we just barely drove to Subway to get some dinner. I say ‘just barely’ because her car doesn’t like going where we want it to; the RPM’s would drop significantly low and the engine would just rev rather than speed up so that we would just barely make it to where we had to go before it conked out for a few hours.

We enjoyed our sandwiches which were over-stuffed with vegetables that we both knew would add those extra few calories that we were trying to hard to avoid. Before hanging out with her, I never added anything to my subs but she made me want to try new things and as small as adding olives to my usually BLT sub is, it was a big deal for me. Soon enough she had me adding tomato and olives and oils to all my sandwiches. Kami and I had the uncanny ability to influence one another without the slightest intention of doing so. I, to her displeasure I am sure, somehow managed to sway her to be just a bit more high-maintenance than her usual self. Now, just as I often do, she orders her food with a few things ‘on the side’ as opposed to on the sandwich and she finds herself criticizing restaurant services now more than ever.

As the day came closer and closer we seemed to spend more time together. To the extreme annoyance of many around us, Kami and I were inseparable. In our most extreme exhaustion we would call one another up to get together. Everyday it seemed we would lay-out yet another creative endeavor for us to accomplish before I was to leave for school. Our last, and most memorable, endeavor was to make a photo-album of our pictures telling the story of our friendship. We already had over 300 photos of her from the days when I fancied myself a photographer and her, a model. We had probably two of me and about fifteen of us together. We had a long way to go to get to our goal of 150 but we did it. Almost everyday when we got together we would snap pictures.

For a few days we aimed to get pictures of us in front of the most significant places we went to in the summer (Denny’s, Dominick’s, Panda Express, Xactek, etc) but our time was, to say in the least, limited. We also wanted to get pictures of us with every person we spent time with in the summer but that proved to be an even more impossible thing as people would only see us when it was convenient for them.

The photos were all taken and I was set to leave the following day. She came to my house that morning and we ran errands the entire day in the 90 degree heat. We went to Panda Express to get some food and each ate one egg roll too much which pushed us both past full and into our “going-to-keel-over-and-die-of-fullness” phase. From there we headed to the mall to find a photo booth where we could take pictures. To our annoyance Woodfield Mall did not have one so we drove over to Stratford where we walked around the mall for almost an hour before giving up and then realizing as we were leaving that it was under the door we entered from.

After taking our pictures we headed to Wal-Mart to get our 150 pictures developed but the photo lines were long and the machines were running slow so with only 2 hours left of the store being open we began to panic. Both of us were getting to our breaking point. It was a mixture of emotions in knowing that it was our last night together and not being able to get what to needed to do done that we sort-of fell into an emo mood.

Thankfully Walgreens came to our rescue and was able to develop all of the images within 2 hours – so as we were waiting for them to finish we walked across the street to McDonald’s. Neither of us was very hungry but with no other ideas of what to do and both of us in sad moods, we settled on eating. While there we spoke of our friends who refused to hang out with us before I left. We were hurt – simple as that.

Finally, our pictures were done from Walgreens. We headed back to my house where we finished bringing my belongings down to my sisters car in the rain before sitting in the living room and laying our all the pictures into the photo albums together. It was hard and we both wanted to cry many times as we looked at the images that told the story of our friendship – a friendship we knew would again be challenged as we both went our own ways.

With us both feeling down trodden and emotional and with the photo albums finished we went over to Denny’s where we sat enjoyed a huge sundae as we wrote captions and watching the rain come down harder and harder. The clock reading 2 a.m. we decided to split; each of us go home and face the coming day separately. She drove me home and we both stood in the rain with tears on our face, only a hug to signify everything. Kami drove away.

A bit on my Classes

So Im in the second week of classes here at NIU and I am managing alright so far. I am currently enrolled in Statistics, French 101, English, Art History, and Philosophy. I am not worried about my English or Statistics class much because this is a basic English class that I technically tested out of and I took a Statistics course in high school so I should be able to manage that fine.

Philosophy so far is an interesting class - my teacher is English and often likes to poke fun at us Americans. Right now we are learning how to present deductive arguments; our current course material being how to prove that God exists and our next topic is how to prove he does not. As expected many students are very, very passionate about the subject (though nobody speaks up much in class). You've for your typical teenage atheist who thinks religion is for morons and you've got your standard Christian girl who was raised perfectly and is offended that other wont respect her beliefs - then you've got me... a Christian with a lot of room for questions and a mindset more like an agnostic.

French 101 - I've actually only been to the class once so far but I do have a lot to say on the subject. The first day my teacher was telling story after story about france and french movies and cuisine - I didn't learn anything but I assumed it was because it was the first day. Later in the week my RA was talking to me about her french class (which actually is the same as mine except it meets one hour before mine does) and she actually decided to transfer into another class because of how our teacher bounces for topic to topic. My RA - a girl who took french for 4 years in high school - decided to transfer out... Sad to say I didn't have the luxury so I am stuck in that class and will be heading there is a few minutes.

Lastly, Art History. It's art and its history... its boring. We wont be having a final in there and basically I only took it for the credit. The class is actually the perfect icon of how you picture a college lecture going; teacher babbling on and on about random facts using extremely long words that would take you a few minutes at least to understand with the entire audience staring into space with a dazed look on their face - often times struggling to stay awake. Yup, a typical lecture situation..

SOO right now I gotta head to my French class and see if I can talk to my teacher and figure out if I will be able to pass this course - then I have to go on a mad hunt for ice. My roommate popped her knee cap out of place yesterday. I went to my two morning classes and when I came back to switch books she was still laying in bed with a pill bottle in her hand... I freaked out a little because I couldn't tell if she was okay and I knew she was supposed to be at class so I woke her up and all she requested was ice. Everyone I asked told me the only place to get ice is off campus... but tonight I am going to go to the cafeteria (Right after I get out of my french class) and I am going to fill up a cup of ice and I am going to leave with that cup of ice to bring to my room mate! After that, I dont know what I can do. :[

DO NOT READ THE NEXT PARAGRAPH IF YOU HAVEN'T READ HP7 & DON'T WANT TO SPOIL THE ENDING!


Oh, and before I go.. a little on Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows. I thought the book was good except for a few things that irk me real bad. Throughout the entire book we are sitting with Ron, Harry, and Hermione wondering WHY Dumbledore didn't tell Harry more about what to do. We are wondering if what Rita Skeeter said is true - and we continue to have this unedning faithing in Dumbledore because for 6 books we have been given no reason to doubt him. It turns out that he really wasnt the greatest guy and when confronted by Harry all he could say is 'Sorry, my bad... guess I should have told you more but I thought you'd be dumb and mess up like I did!' ......... Kay .......... Then that little conclusion was awfully cheesy... What was Rowling thinking? Yeah, it was cute but come on! Every addition to the series grew a little more darker and then all the sudden these last 6 pages or so is the classic happily ever after ending. AND WHY DIDN'T HARRY DIE? Whatever, Snape is good - I knew it! :D

Proud Snape-Suppoter
Well I FINALLY finished the new HP and let me be the first (or maybe last) to say SNAPE IS GOOD! haha. More on that later - also more on my classes and what not.

MY DORM ROOM

My Move-In Story

Thursday finally came and I had all my belongings packed up and loaded into Crystal's car. The night before was spent with Kami as we each made a photo book that consisted of 150 photos of us. It was emotional - we ended it by sitting at Denny's with a sundae and coffee for each of us as we reminisced our summer. Before she left we shared a cry and that was it. Thursday morning (in the wee hours of 3 and 4 am) I hung out with Travis and we said our sort of goodbyes. After talking to him I went upstairs and as I shut the door I started sobbing - I guess realizing that the summer was over and I wouldn't be seeing anyone much anymore. Crystal got home around 12 from work and we headed to NIU for my move-in. Even as we pulled out of the apartments I was tearing up. THe entire ride there I was upset and exhausted from that mornings crying and lack of sleep. All I wanted to do was get to NIU and go to sleep.

We arrived at NIU around 1:30 but were unable to get the Grant Towers until about 2. Nobody seemed to be able to direct us in the right direction and it was all just very chaotic. Finally we found a guy who knew basically what was going on so he told us where to park and what to do. We were about to pull away to check in but he told us we might want to wait because a storm was rolling in. I guess we were either too eager to start this move-in process or just plain dumb but we decided to go on ahead and check in.

We arrived at the parking lot near Grant Towers and the move-in team started unloading our car and putting all my belongings on these go-carts which would take my stuff to my dorm and from there I would check in and take my stuff up to my floor (8th floor. -_-) It started to rain as they unloaded my stuff. I got on one of the go-carts carrying my stuff but Crystal was told she had to move her car so she went to do this. (this all happened in a matter of minutes). Well as I pulled away from her and as she pulled away from me we both realized that I left my purse in the car which had my cell phone and my ONE card (which allows me to check into my dorm and start moving in).

I got to the dorm and they unloaded my stuff to sit outside the dorm building - I went in to stand by the other half of my stuff inside. It started to downpour. The wind picked up and it was lightening up the whazoo. The next thing I know I'm running outside to try and collect my stuff. Part of my belongings were outside (my laptop, DVD's, case of Monster and water, bedding, etc), part of them were inside (my books and some bags of stuff) and then somewhere else inside the rest of my stuff was (desk stuff, suitcase, bins of stuff, etc). I finally got all my stuff in one spot INSIDE and was situated - all I had to do was wait for Crystal to get there with my ONE card.

I asked to use someones cell phone and I called her and she said she was on her way to my tower. A few minutes after the phone call they made an announcement that we all needed to go down to the basement because a tornado was in the area. I was freaking out as I walked downstairs; tearing up as I stood in the hall in the basement. I kept thinking to myself how I wanted Travis there to hug me or Kami there to calm me down or simply stand with me. Anyone who is anyone knows that tornadoes are not my thing - they are actually one of the major things I was worried about when choosing which college to go to.. tornadoes and coffee options. :P

Anyway, they ended the evacuation and we went back upstairs. Again I borrowed someones cell phone and called Crystal and left a message. A few minutes later this girl stood up and said we needed to get back to the basement NOW because the tornado was like 5 miles away. As I went to the basement I was freaking out - not only about the tornado now but worrying about whether Crystal was okay. Again, we were told it was safe to go upstairs so I bolted up and borrowed someones cell phone but no answer from Crystal. Like 10 minutes after that she found me - she was sopping wet and had sprained her ankle while running from her car to get the dorm at which point the tornado alarm started going off.

We began the crazy task of lugging all my belongings to the elevator and up to the 8th floor and down the hall to my room. My roommate was already there and waiting for me. Her name is Kalimah and shes pretty much amazing. She helped me bring my stuff up and it turns on we have a lot in common. The interesting about it is I was told that I was in Grant B and that my roommate was Tiffany Jackson -- but I am in Grant A with Kalimah. I prayed after I got my housing assignment that God would be over it because I did not have a good feeling. Then all this happened without my knowing it but I ended up with this great girl who loves the TV show Scrubs and who loves all kinds of music and who watches anime and has been to Africa. :D I may not be too close to God right now but I can see His work in front of me still which is pretty awesome.

Thursday evening was insane - they were constantly getting on the intercom and announcing the status of the storm. Dekalb was flooding and impassible for a few hours so Crystal was stuck there. Finally around 10:30 we decided that I could go home for 2 nights. That brings me to now - Saturday night. It is my first night in the dorm and its alright. I miss Travis a lot, and Crystal and Kami. :[ It's weird not being with any of them right now. Ive never lived without Crystal! :[ But so far I am doing okay... I have my room all set up and cute and its real homey so its not too bad. Tomorrow I have to roam around campus and try to find where the crap my classes are located. BLEH!

With the summer coming to an end I feel the need to debrief on some things. For the most part I have succeeded in attending CC O'hare; at least long enough for my mother to be willing to cosign the loans. I am scheduled to leave for NIU on the 23rd - though I have yet to receive my room mate assignment. -_- I am nervous to go but I can not wait to leave.

Just a week ago I got my first pap smear. It wasnt as bad as some people made it out to be but its not something I would look forward to. The reason I really wanted to get it though was because in early July I got a phone call from a close friend of mine telling me she had a brain tumor and was going into surgery in just 2 days. Thankfully the surgery went well and she is healing from it now but it left me paranoid. Every little thing was enough to convince me that I, too, had some sort of tumor. A simple yeast infection led me to believe I had cervical cancer. :P

Travis and I are doing good. We have hit some rough terrain but we are trying to get through it together. I dont know what exactly will happen when I leave for school; he says we'll stay together... I'm not sure I see that realistically. In the mean time I will just carry on in the game of wait and see.

Overall I'd say it was a good summer - I didn't stay home for a single day. Every day it was either Kami or Travis. For awhile we hung out with Travis' group of Drew, Shane, Jon, Kevin, Tiffy, Desmond, and sometimes Tom. Then we joined Crystal in her group of Devan, Adam, Jake, and Clifton. Then it was Kami's group/s of Mark & Christina or Steve & Reese. Although each group had their charms I am looking forward to meeting new people and having a new group of friends.

My next update will probably be from the dorm - so wish me luck in getting settled in!

Hostage Situation

My update for now is merely that I am currently living at home - my mom said that I have to go to Calvary Chapel every week until I leave for school and then shell cosign my loan and allow me to live at home. Mostly I have been hanging out with Kami & occassionally Travis because things at home with my ma are so heated. Umm, right now I am with Kami and Travis is coming over so maybe we can do something tonight but I dont know. Apparantly I cant go home tonight because theres a gun situation at my house and it would be nearly impossible to get into the apartment. So in summary I feel like Im a hostage where I live and theres a hostage situation (or something) occurring there now. Kind of ironic I guess. Im excited for student orientation which is a week from today and then Cornerstone which is just under two weeks from today. Ummm. For more updates go to my poetry blog because thats basically all I do now... write poems or think about what to write in a poem. haha. http://acidictear.blogspot.com

Ah - to be an adult
Hey.. again, this update wont be very efficient in getting across everything that has been going on. For now, I will talk about what has happened in only the past day. The other night I had Kami and Travis over to watch "Grind" because neither of them had seen it. After we finished watching that we watched "Clarissa Explains it All" for a while - Kami left eventually due to exhaustion and me & Travis stayed to finished watching Clarissa. All good and innocent - I mean, geez, at the very most it was only nostalgic. Well me & Travis went to my room and my ma came home early from work - she freaked out and I left. When I came home I had every intention of simply apologizing and explaining...I even wrote a cute little note but when she woke up she immediately started freaking out - called me a slut and a pagan and told me to leave. Loving, no? She also told me theres no way she is cosigning my loan for NIU. So as of today I am homeless (staying with Kami & Travis back and forth this week) and I cant go to school I guess... I am going to talk to the financial adviser at the school but I know already there is nothing they can do for me. I have all the expectations put on me and the responsibilities of being an 18 year old - technically an adult - but none of the benefits. I cant take out my own loans for school so whats the point?!! Yeah, I'm upset and I'm not quite sure what my next step is.

IM DONE WITH HIGH SCHOOL!

It's been a long month and a lot has happened - A LOT. Im so happy that I am done with high school though and I have student orientation at Northern coming up on June 19th... I cant wait to sign up for classes. Anyways, I dont feel like delving into exactly what has been up quite yet so stay posted because I'll be for sure updating soon. :]

Melodramatic? Maybe. But Im still mad.
I think I should clarify - after posting Crystal convinced Ma to cosign a loan - though I am still screwed on my FASFA until next year and now my Ma wont be helping with any of the expenses. :-\ Whatever- I guess what matters (my going to college) is all that counts.

I HATE MY LIFE

So basically I'm not going to college. The psycho filled out the FASFA wrong (All she had to do was fill out the parent information and she screwed that up royally) Somehow she managed to put my social security benefits on her information also and it basically registered that I got them twice. So I got screwed on loans and got no grants. I called the admissions office and the only thing I can do is correct the information next year - for now I have to either get her or someone else to cosign a $10,000 loan which isnt going to happen. She wont co-sign. She already said no. And I cant live here next year. So what am I supposed to do???? Oh my god. I hate my life.

4AM artwork

About a week ago I spent an hour thinking about ice. It is a pseudo-solid. I am convinced. Then I spent a good chunk of time for the rest of the week thinking about the atom. What if all the atoms decided to disperse because they were sick of how life is becoming? Then we'd go to war with the atom so that we could continue to exist except they'd win without a battle, obviously. And what if the dinosaurs cease to exist because the atoms decided to disperse?

I have been distracted lately. I can not focus. Some of my grades - specifically, though not limited to, my english have dropped. I guess I am relieved in that sense that I am now on spring break. At the same time, I am very much waiting anxiously for school to start back up because my mother took off this week from work. I decided not to take AP tests - I KNOW I will not pass so I just don't see the point. I also decided to confirm my attendence at NIU. The chances of going there are high and I wont hear back from IWU (the school that put me on the waiting list) for a few months probably so I dont see the point in waiting on them.

Things I hate that I love:

• "The Notebook" b/c everyone talked about how romantic it was and I didn't want to agree.
• Fall Out Boy b/c they are one of the top bands for the emo listener.
• Hawthorne Heights b/c they are the top band of the emo listener.
• France b/c Americans are supposed to hate them.
• Emos b/c I'm always called one.
• Dawson's Creek b/c it draws false judgments.
• Energy Drinks b/c its predictable.
• Edgar Allen Poe b/c its predictable
• Reality TV shows b/c they are so tacky, yet I cant help but tune in!

Just some artwork in my journal. Not all of the drawings are by my own thought - the bottom one i found both images online and copied them... So that's all.

JUST SO CRYSTAL
HAS A BADGE ALSO.

On God:

This weekend I watched Titanic 4 times – once each day. I also saw “Flicka,” “Running with Scissors,” “The Guardian,” “Infamous,” and “Lucky Number Slevin.” So most of my weekend was actually dedicated to watching movies – this is what I do when I’m depressed.

Every night this week I have had nightmares/dreams about Dad. It’s made things hard. And this Saturday I realized something about my relationship with God. I won’t go into detail but here’s what I noticed, basically: I’m mad at God. I don’t blame him for the death of my Dad but I am mad at Him. You see, we prayed for years about my Dad and God still took him – why? What’s the point of praying if God doesn’t acknowledge what I ask Him? I’ve always been told that we pray to God so we can have a say – of sorts – as to what happens in our lives… or more so, the smaller events that happen but still fit into his overall plan. Well, I feel like He ignored my prayers and looking back at the year (since last march) I can admit that I have BARELY prayed at all. I think the reason for that is because I don’t trust God like I used to – I feel like prayer is pointless. Deep down I know this isn’t true but…I cant seem to get around it. Maybe I’m feeling so down because its almost been a full year…I don’t know, but that’s where I’m at.

Get me the Energy Drink

Today has been a very long day for me. I had trouble sleeping last night and brilliantly thought: "I might as well shower tonight then, since I cant sleep." but that kept me up a few extra hours. I'd say I got about 4 hours of shut eye. But you see, every other day this week I had the luxury of late start (got up at 7:30 and at school by 9:00) but today I had to get up by 6:00 and be at school by 7:00. First block I went around the school with one of the athletes [a special ed student in my PE class -we call them athletes and they call us partners-] and posted up 40 posters for the Amy Rudolph Tournament. That was actually better than coaching in gym, I think, because my throat is sore and yelling at them to "keep guarding" or "be open!" is hard on the vocals. Haha. So first block wasnt bad. Statistics was fine, and chemistry and survey were tolerable. Even in my lunch hour, though, I had to make up a test from Tuesday and in my passing period between 2nd and 3rd I had to make up a quiz. So I mean, really, my day was fully packed.

I came home immediately after school (got home at 2:5o) and left at 3:15 to go to the library and do my volunteer work. That wasn't too bad. They just had me stacking DVD's (sorting them by genre and then alphabetically) and then I stamped date cards. Enthralling, I know. But everyone was really nice. Heh, you'd be surprised how much I manage to mess up in such seemingly simple tasks. [Its like sharpening a pencil, I just cant seem to do it right!]. Let's just say...the DVD's are put into clear cases and locked. I put them in the cases but I kinda forgot the next step before shelving them. >_> But yeah, that's all I'll say about that.

So I got home by 5:40 and began my homework. I completed one essay for english by 6:30 and a second essay for english by 7:35. Now, in exhaustion, I decided to skip my chemistry and statistics. I figure I'll do the statisitcs Monday since I dont have that class again until Wednesday! and I'll do the chemistry sometime during tomorrow.. Er, yeah. And I'll do whatever senior survey homework I have during survey.

All that to simply say, its been a long day!

I am sick.

On Sunday after church my throat started to hurt - did I sing too loud??? I dont know why, but when I got home my throat was hurting all night. Monday at school my nose was just running and it was awful, so on Tuesday I stayed home. Lots of schools around here got a snow day so I dont think school should have even been happening. Anyway, Im getting ready for school now and I just thought I'd post about how miserable I feel. Lol. Actually its just my head - lots of pressure. Like in "You've Got Mail." ... "My head feels fuzzyyy..." Lol. Okay, well there isnt really a point to this post so I'm going to end it now.

Oh high school..

Last night we went to The Union to see Anathollo. We picked up the Hadj and took off. A band from Canada, Red Umbrella, was the opening performance and they were pretty great. They covered a U2 song and the singer actually sounded really good doing it - so that was good. And of course Anathollo was awesome. Their whole performance just reminds me of something straight out of "Dead Poets Society." I don’t know if their best qualities could get across if heard on a CD because I first heard them at Cornerstone and listening to the CD just doesn’t feel the same. Given, they sound great on CD, just better in concert. Lol, anyways!

So this morning we did a service project with Ecclesia. Unfortunately we were late but it was still good - we were packaging boxes of food for people who need the help - good times. I don’t really know what the point of this update is beyond the fact that I am bored. I haven’t watched TV much at all in a little over a month and I haven’t played the Sims since winter break so I feel like there is not much to do except write and read while listening to music. haha.

Oh, I thought of something to update on; my school. Haha. Starting this week students will have to pay a $50 fine for truancies - I heard its actually $50 per class - so if you ditch a full day you have to pay $200. I don’t really see how they can do that but if they can, I don’t think it should apply to 16+. Its not a law for people over the age of 16 to attend school so technically it shouldn’t be illegal for them not to go. I’ve never been truant - but still. Also, next year the students will have to wear their ID's around their neck around a chain provided by the school that has a detachable hook so hall monitors can grab IDs as they please. This doesn’t sound like the worst idea accept that in my mind, students will feel much more of a need to rebel and it takes away from their identity, I think. I mean, its like giving students a number and treating them like nothing more than just that. ALSO, starting now we have to have passes for everywhere we go! Throughout all of high school they have never been strict about passes - even while in study hall we will have to actually bring all of our books with because they don’t intend to allow us to go to our lockers. -_- Seminar is supposed to be the privilege study hall for people with decent grades. Now, they're basically taking those rights away too. I'm just so relieved that I am graduating soon. Haha.

Bored in Math Class - Emo Gnome

Well, Im in math right now and I just finished taking a test. I failed! lol. I didnt feel like doing it and I didnt study. haha. Im so tired! I didnt fall asleep until sometime around 3:30 - the last time I looked at the clock it was 3:36 a.m. Sooo Im real tired! Yup. Anyway, this friday we are going to an Anathollo concert and then saturday morning there is small group which actually might just be volunteer work that we do together. After small group I muight hang out with Jill - then Sunday night is Ecclesia. NEXT WEEK I am hanging out with Chrissie Friday night, going to small group Saturday morning, hanging out with Theo later that day, and Ecclesia that Sunday - then no school monday! Woot woot! Isnt all this just the most enthralling information ever! Im so bored. Just listening to music. OH! I found so much new music lately. "Making April," "Last Winter," "Scary Kids Scaring Kids, "Therefore I am," "Four Letter Lie," etc etc! Very exciting. As all know, new music is amazing. Of course... with this new music I have also taken on the persona of an emo - apparantly. Not even kidding, Ive been called an emo by SO many people lately. Is it the hair cut? Because I wear a black hoodie? My Music? I DONT KNOW! But emo is a derogatory term implying that someone is being sad all the time and trying to get attention for a bad life they wish they had. That is not me! I have no problem with Emos - I love them - but people call someone emo in a bad way... its not like its a compliment. So thats my story...

TO SNAPE

Okay - I need to say this. After I finished the sixth Harry Potter book I was so infuriated because I trust/ed Snape. Everyone around me insisted that Snape WAS bad and that it did indeed fit into his character but I still do not agree. I just found out today that there is a huge following of people who also believe snape is good. Apparantly its a major controversy - many believe Snape's character will actually be shown in true colors in the seventh book; shown as good. This controvery extends so far that anyone who pre-orders the seventh book ($65 for Deluxe Edition) will receive a sticker that either says "Snape is good" or "Snape is bad." Crystal wants the "Snape is bad" and obviously I want the "Snape is good" one. So, to show my support for Snape - I make this post and show my support. Cheers - to Severus Snape.

ME

So these are some pictures from after finals at the end of last week. They show my new haircut!!! The reason I havent really posted any pictures lately is because I thought my camera was broken. You see, it would not turn on and I tried charging the batteries and hitting the camera but nothing worked. Finally, as a last effort, I inserted some regular batteries and it turns on. Now, sometimes I have to give it a good whack (perhaps to knock something into place) to get it to turn on but it works and thats all that matters. All that being said, here are a few pictures!

ECCELSIA:

And here are a few pictures of Ecclesia. This is obviously before everyone arrived but this is the typical setup of our church. The study we're going right now is called "You asked for it!" and it addresses some hard questions that the congregation asked for. We've covered homosexuality and suffering.

"brief" updating

Hm, its been a while since I updated so here goes: No more nightmares. I decided to just take a long nap after school (2-3 hours) so that way I can stay up until 12 or 1 am at which point I can fall asleep fine without any nightmares. haha, I'm being the system! Uhm, as for college I’ve basically decided to go to NIU. Monmouth I think is just too small and too far - not really worth it because I cant imagine the experience being much more than high school. Im still waiting to hear back from IWU which used to be the school I wanted to go to but now I'm thinking its not for me. I'd be paying twice as much for that school and for what? The experience? Im sorry.. I cant bring myself to may an extra $17000 for an experience. Just not gonna happen. Hehe.

What else is new? My classes changed this week. Now I have Partners PE, AP English and Trig (same as before), Chemistry, and Senior Survey. Uhm, yeah all my teachers are female except my PE teacher.. Its not bad per say.. just...different. Haha. The homework so far in manageable but I attribute that to the fact that we're currently in-between novels in AP Lit so my workload isn’t too bad. With my free time I had made it a point to attend writing club and hang out with friends.

Friends, what friends? Well, last weekend I hung out with Theo. Anyone remember him? Lol, yeah I slept over at his house. And this Friday I am supposed to hang out with my friend Chrissie. AND sometime soon I am supposed to sleep over at my friend, Shefali's, house. So I've really been working on building my relationships and committing to being there for people - as well as allowing people to be there for me. In doing this I can say with confidence that I've made mistakes. Things that I'll undoubtedly regret in a few weeks, months, or years but nothing major! Lol.. that sounded really serious! heh.

Hm. Church. It is going good. I love Ecclesia and we've been meeting some pretty awesome people. Still, I feel at least a little disconnected because of my age (I'm 17 and the majority of the congregation is in the mid-twenties) but that’s a small thing and just a gap to be bridged. [bridged?] The small group is also going good. I still find it pretty awkward when we separate to pray together but I'm working on it and the group seems to haev awesome intentions.

One major thing that is taking place is the issues surrounding H2O Club. We want to hold a Praise Night at the end of the year, like last year, and we wanted to hold it in the Auditorium rather than holding it in the band room. We also wanted to fund-raise this year, put up posters so people could actually know the club existed, and just BE a club. We’ve had many meetings with our schools club advisor but each of us (us leaders) has been given a different story. Right now, its down to finding out if our school is federally funded because if we are they are breaking a lot of laws [particularly the Equal Access Act]. But many people I’ve talked to have said despite the commonly held belief that we’re a public school and therefore MUST be federally funded, we are not. I’ve been told that we turned down federal funding last year so as not to be required to start the GSA [Gay Straight Alliance]. 8-O. How they can get away with that...I don’t know...but that’s what the higher-ups have been saying. Recently, they took down our poster (we can only post one poster in the main hallway) and they deleted our clubs website from the school site… even though the link to the H2O Club website has been there for years just we decided to actually update the page and that’s when they deleted it. I don’t know what’s going on and evidently nobody does. Within the next few weeks, all 4 leaders and our club sponsor are going to meet with the club advisor and try to figure out what’s going on. Argh. I’m a bit perturbed. So that’s what’s going as far as H2O goes…

Any questions??? Haha.

Actually, on New Years Eve....

Okay, so first post of the year 07! Woot. True story. On New Years Eve I, along with Crystal and Erik, went downtown to watch the fireworks at Buckingham Fountain. It was real sweet. I complained a lot at first: "Aww, we shouldnt have come.. its too cold, its too windy. wah wah" but it ended up being real fun. So I didnt get home until 4:30 am and then I got up at like 12:30 to do homework which, consequently, hasnt even been checked yet for a grade. Oh well. Otherwise nothing fun has really happened. I've slept probably 10 hours since Monday night so I'm exhausted but I cant sleep. On Tuesday and Wednesday night I had the same nightmare (not fun) so lets just hope I dont have it AGAIN tonight. Welp, thats all.