Global Night Commute

Well last night was pretty much amazing. Despite the rain and the wind, things went awesome. The turnout was way more than I expected when it started to rain - there much have been at least a thousand, but maybe more. When we got there we started to set up the two large blue tarps that the Judes brought but we put the one with holes in it on top so soon after we had to flip them. Once we got the one without holes, though smaller, on top things went alright. Jill and I walked back and forth for about two hours probably in the rain just talking, I called Taylor at about 12 to see if he had any ideas about what else me and Jill could do and to make sure he wasnt getting drunk, lol. Then, at about 12:30 there was a group prayer where about 200-300 people gathered together to pray for the situation in Uganda. After praying, they all began to sing but by that point a few of us had already gone back to the tent because we finished praying early.

Anyway, Taylor called me at 3:20 AM and was saying some pretty werid stuff... Very bizarra... After I got off the phone with him me and Jill and most of the rest of the group were playing games, like the 7 degrees of Kevin Bacon and the movie quote game. As people were trying to fall asleep me and Jill started singing random songs. Good times. Around 4:00 I layed down to warm up because I was soaking wet, the wind was blowing on my back along with the drizzles of rain and I was shivering. Ten minutes after I was laying down, half of the tarp above us completely flew up and broke off the hook that we had attatched it to. I jumped up and grabbed it to hold it over the half of the people that were getting rained on and held it up until others came to the rescue.. lol. At that point I just stayed standing through sheer paranoia that the entire set up would collape at any given moment.

At 6 am we all gathered by the Abe Lincoln statue in Grant Park and prepared for pictures. We stood out there as the rain grew harder while Oprahs camera guy set up a crane to videotape the group holding up various signs. By about 7 we were heading back to the tent and cleaning up. Then while we were waiting for few people to get the cars since we all didnt want to walk back, a handful of us went to meet Jacob (one of the invisible children from Uganda). He was really nice and humble - quiet. Anyway, thats the night in a nutshell and Im tired, sore, and sick right now so Im about to head off to bed! :-) Goodnight - twas a wonderful experience and I'd do it again in a heartbeat.

Good deal

Well, apparantly a lot has been going on concerning the Global Night Commute this coming Saturday. Jacob from the IC rough cut video will be coming to Chicago with one of the filmmakers to go on the NBC news and then theyll both be joining us for the night commute (assuming I understand correctly). I just think that is so cool because it really feels like stuff is happening; we are making a difference - big or small.

Anyway, this morning something kinda weird happened. Crystal was driving me to school and this guy in the car next to us was signaling for me to roll down my window; I thought he was either going to ask for directions to some place or tell us something was wrong with her car. He said "Something really great is on, AM 1160!" So I nodded and turned to the station. It was a Christian speaker talking about how all Christians will have to face the day of judgment with the Lord [ring any bells.... Saturday at Ro0ts?!] Haha, so that was pretty random yet impactful. It in KINDA annoying to witnessed to in the confines of our own car WHEN were already saved but I truely appreciate his efforts because I dont have the guts to do that.

So the morning did start off bad (crying again... dont know why) but it kinda got better as the day went on, minus the PSAE's, the stomach ache and horrible head ache that lasted four hours, it was a good day.

ACT's

Today were the ACT's. I think I did poorly - my guess is I got a 22. I slept from 9:00 - 5:00 and I hada good breakfast, and I studied and practiced but when it came to taking the test, I just didn't know the material for some parts (math and science) and I never had enough time to even complete the sections. Everytime I ran out of time I just bubbled in all the blanks with a B because I figured that I'd have more of a chance in getting some right if they were all the same. (I.E. If put BDCAC and the answers were CABDA then I got nothing right but if I put them all as B then I at least get one right.you see?) So that was my day, and then juniors got out of school at 11:10 so I just came to base. I was admittadly distracted during the test because today was a bad day (referring to the amount of depression I felt when I woke up). But whatever, my score will be what I deserve and I'll figure out college stuff later; I think it's safe to say that Illinois Wesleyan, Illinois State, and NIU are out though. Tomorrow I have the PSAE's.

Rest for the weary

So we spent the night at the Judes last night - good times. I got more sleep than Ive gotten in the past 6 weeks and I was able to enjoy the company of the lovely Judses and young Ethan, whom by the way is completely hilarious. Just ask him to howl like a wolf/coyote. ^_^ So, that was good.

But something crazy has been going on lately... everyone has been dying; why? Three people died in their sleep (including my Dad) and the weirdest part to me is that its happening as spring rolls in. To me, I always imagined deaths occuring mid-winter or late winter - not end of winter early spring... But just the way it's like every week someone else dies, it really makes you think of your life and what you value. Tonight Jason talked about the day that Christians face judgement and receive different rewards, and like how Jesus could potentially say to us, "Well done good and faithful servant" and stuff like that. With how depressing the past couple months have been, that was a really encouraging thing to talk about because it actually made me feel like I have a reason to leave as opposed to facing the constant struggle to want to get out of bed or do my homework or even care about anything.

Mostly, Im just concerned about getting my life back straight with God before I allow the enemy to take advantage of my depression and make things a lot worse and also about who could die next and what I should do in response to the next death. How much closer can losing someone get? Tobi was the first close death that I have to deal with and that was like Job (not exactly but Tobi was VERY close to me) and I chose to say, "Okay God, I know Tobi died and my Dad is sick and thats hard but I still believe in you and can praise You.." Then Grandpa Gene died and that wasnt too hard to deal with but still kinda a wake up call. Then dad died and now Im starting to get to the point in Jobs life where I dont want to care anymore. The love for God is still there but the action is not behind the passion. I want to want to want to do things for Christ. (read that a few times, maybe you'll get it. lol) Anyway, I have announcements to prepare for for church tomorrow.

"Thought is real; physical is the illusion."

Well a lot has been going on so sorry for the lack of updates. School is still hard - I have a graded discussion in English class today about "A Farewell to Arms" which I will inevitably fail because I have talking during discussions; something about giving an opinion when its not entirely welcome or has already been said... I also have an essay to write for English: rough draft due Monday and final draft due Thursday. Mind you, Wednesday and Thursday are ACT's so how I'm going to manage both tasks will be interesting. As for other things in school - like H2O - things are going alright. The t-shirt discussion for H2O has been dug in the ground and basically I've given up on taking it out. Theyre ordering them sometime this week but the thing is some people want to change the color of them but I dont even get why the color matters that much. We chose black for the tshirt and bright blue for the font and now people are saying it wont stand out as much as they want it to: well then I say, ask yourself why you want the tshirt to stand out so much [hopefully peoples actions can speak louder than what their tshirt says.]

But anyway, home life is pretty much the same as before. Ma is still not adjusting much at all. She always has something to criticize: the movies we watch, the things on TV, stuff on the news, how we organize our room, or do our homework, or take care of Cleo. Its always something to complain about. I guess it was my hope that if something tragic happened, as it did, she'd be able to act completely loving and patient during the adjusting period but I see that was too much to hope for.

On a better note, Mission Radiance stuff is going good. The Global Night Commute is next week and it looks like we're going to be able to attend which is really exciting. Yay. But now, I have to go to school. -_-

Things are going really bad

So life with Ma is pretty much sick. I can not stand being at this place - she drives me nuts. The reason we got along so well before all this recent stuff was because I only had to see her when I knew I could put up with her. She complains all the time - she acts like the entire world revolves around her - she acts as if my and crystals moving in here is a burden - she never says please or thankyou - she bosses me around (contrary to how my Dad asked me to do things). This sucks and I am so depressed. I hate my life again, as I did like 4 or 5 years ago before I got saved. Im so angry and all I want to do is leave - yet that isnt an option. Thankfully Kami has been taking me out most all of this week for a few hours until my Ma leaves for work (she leaves at 10:00 p.m.) Sunday and Monday we went out with Taylor, and most of the other days we just went to random stores and hung out. Given, I have had to stay up late to do homework but its not like I can sleep anyway so that doesnt really matter. We also found out that the truck is only worth eleven and crystals car costs about nine or ten so we arent getting much out of that. Social Security is decent but it ends in a year and wont amount to much more than what will cover ALMOST one year of college [assuming I dont take any out].... So yeah, life pretty much sucks. Everyone is acting like I should be "over this" by now... Six weeks later and they expect me to be bright eyed and cheerful... Well, thats not gonna happen for a long time; if at all until I move out. Argh, I'm really mad.

Smile!

girls overnighter

“Well, I'm gonna get out of bed every morning... breath in and out all day long. Then, after a while I won't have to remind myself to get out of bed every morning and breathe in and out... and, then after a while, I won't have to think about how I had it great and perfect for a while.” – Sleepless in Seattle

People always ask me now: "How are you doing?" and they expect a deep, meaningful answer in the five minutes they spare to ask the question. Everyone wants to be the one person I confide in. Even in times of spectacular pain, people are selfish. Living in the world for nearly seventeen years, I wouldn't expect this to be a shock but it really is.

Now that almost two weeks has passed, people expect things to be over. Not many seem to realize that it doesnt end at the funeral or the week after it happens - nor two weeks, nor three. This will carry on with me for not only the next few weeks, but months or probably even years. I've heard that a parents death will stay with a person for the rest of their life. So why, then, is it that people think two weeks is enough healing time? Nearly 17 years can not be healed in the busy time span of two weeks.

So, what have I learned so far through all this? Have compassion! It is the only thing that really matters and it is pretty much the only thing I think people should be striving for in their lives.

Life

I went to my councelor today, at school. She showed a lot of compassion - that was very helpful. A few of my friends have been kinda cold hearted to my situation. Not many, just a few, but it is so frustrating. When I mentioned the fact that my councelor is going to talk to my US History teacher and try to make it so I can take that final after spring break, one of my friends acted as if it wasnt fair; she acted as if I were being a drama queen... But thankfully my councelor is trying to help out and Im just hoping things can work out for the best. I need good grades right now, and I need to do good on the ACT because I have to start applying to colleges and I would hate for all my chances to drop significantly because of this tragedy (as my advisors like to phrase it.) Thankfully, my social security looks like its going to be a fairly high ammount; so much, in fact, that it may cover the cost of college, or at least half. Assuming I'm able to receive it starting May this year through May next year [when I turn 18]

Really quickly, this week I have a lot to do. I have to catch up on all the work I missed, pack the house, and try to start reading the bible again as much as I was before all this happened. Next week I have to start moving in with Mom and find somewhere that we can send Cleo... Yes, I have to give her away. Anyway, I should get to bed... Not to say I can sleep, but I should try.

"Life and Death and Death and Life, right next door to eachother!" - Elizabethtown

Life has been hectic lately.
Last Sunday Dad died.
Last Monday I cried.
Last Tuesday I cried and slept.
Last Wednesday was Dad's funeral.
Last Thursday was the spreading of his ashes.
Last Friday was brunch with the relatives and meeting with a financial advisor.
Last Saturday was Ro0ts and running errands.
Sunday was Church and homework.
Monday was school and badminton.
Tuesday was school and H2O.
Wednesday was school and badminton and taking Cleo to the Vet.
Today I have school [I just quite badminton] and homework and running errands and Cleo gets a haircut.

Monday was an okay day - I was living in the minute, not thinking ahead or behind.
Tuesday was a bit harder but still, I did okay until the night (where as I cried most of it)
Wednesday got hard. I was tired from lack of sleep and busy and got a fever.

Thursday is today. I think it will be hard but not as bad as yesterday. Im stressed about moving and getting rid of my dog, Cleo. We have to get boxes and move into Ma's by the end of March. Change is hard - but chance amongst pain is worse. I realized though, death truly is a curse.

Michael Lee Joseph October 6, 1952 - March 5, 2006

I joined the bad minton team at school. We meet Monday-Friday from 3:00 - 5:00... On Tuesdays I have to go to H2O until 4:00 and then finish with badminton until 5:00.... Also on Fridays I have Leadership meetings for H2O.... I may not be able to make it to half of them.... But I'd really HATE to do that so I'm just going to pray about it... Today was my first meeting. I'm really bad at the sport - compared to the other girls. Still, its a good work out that I am committed to and cant "lazy out of"... Plus it keeps me busy - REALLY BUSY! lol. I dont know, mostly I just think a sport would look good on college apps. and I want eve able to do the golf team so... badminton.. wooh.. hooh..

My time is wasted EVERYDAY

Today I have a graded discussion in English class about The Scarlet Letter. I hate discussions - I loathe them even! Mostly when I'm graded because I dont like to force what I have to say into the conversation. I much prefer to sit back and listen, and if I disagree then I'll say something... Last year, during the Huck Finn discussion I didn't say anything! Literally, I completely failed. It's so much that I'm nervous to speak up because in context of Truth and Eternity, what I say about a book in some random discussion isn't going to effect the Kingdom and it almost, really seems entirely pointless.

That is something I am definitely sturggling with lately; why do I have to learn about the constitution again and spend hours studying at night for Us history tests and then read random books from the late 1700's and study them for hours for English class and THEN memorize formulas for math class in order to pass this year and move on to trigonometry next year (yay >_> ) No, I just cant wrap my mind around these concepts; I wan't to be studying the bible for hours and be able to debate/talk about certain things in the bible - NOT a random book that in the end means nothing.

In the book I'm reading, "Searching for God knows what" by Donald Miller, he just got done talking about how the Truth is NOT a formula. People these days want everything to be in a chart, graph, or formula but that is not how God is. He said something interesting; men dont write lists about how great their gal is in order to show her how much he cares - he takes everything he loves about her and puts it in the form of a poem. Poetry, not formulas - creativity, not measurments, are what gets to the human heart. Science wants to make it all a head issue but that does nothing for us because we are beings of the heart.

You know what I realized recently?

Why does the 'Christian' always have to be excluded from things?

Is it that people assume Christians are going to judge them by what they say?

If thats the case, why cant they first give Christians the chance to prove them wrong - or maybe right...

Something I've always struggled with is socializing - I'm just not good at it. So when I put an effort into being a good friend I almost expect that same effort put back. This may sound really bad, but...: I know what I do. I pay very close attention to the comments I make and to how my attitude is being portrayed when someone talks to me. I know when I'm acting short with people and I know when I make judgmental comments - sometimes I correct my wrongs and other times I dont but I know. So when someone says I came up short in a certain area, like I brushed them off one day, I know it cant be true. Why am I so sure? Because I pay VERY close attention to what I do. I socialize so little that when I do, I take notice of everything. Beyond even that, its a rather rare occasion that people try to confide in me so when they do, I most assuradly do not brush them off. Maybe the reason people avoid talking to me is because they know I hate gossip and maybe what they say is gossip but the reality seems more like they're scared I'll dissaprove of what they're doing so instead of telling me they tell their friends who will cheer them on. Honestly, most of the time it seems more like socializing is much more a burden than a freedom; much more a lock than a key. I can dish out all the love and compassion that I have but I guess what I have to realize is I cant continue to respect it in return. Maybe what I have to realize is that not all have Christ and arent as willing to give away their love and compassion.