Too much NOISE

I havent really slept all week and this afternoon I was so tired that I actually could have slept. I was out for about an hour and then the people who live below us had their music going so loud that it woke me up. Thankfully Crystal went down and asked them to turn it down. I slept for four more hours (THANK GOD!) When I got up I had coffee and was chilling for a bit before I put the movie on ( I rented "What the bleep: Down the rabbit hole") So I sat down to watch it and I could hear the phone ringing in the apartment next door, my mom's clock ticking, the coffee brewing, crystal typing, and some noise outside. Now Crystal is on her cell phone, a plane is outside making noise, I have music playing, I'm typing, the coffee's brewing and my head is pounding. ::GOING MAD:: So yeah, that's that.

This morning I watched Dawson's Creek. I still love that show and I'm not ashamed to admit it; the same way I'll gladly admit that I'm a Hilary Duff fan. Every morning this week I try to watch Dawson’s Creek but it's on at 8:00 am. Because I can't go to sleep early enough to be able to wake up on time I don't go to sleep until after the show. This much implies that I go to sleep at 9:00 a.m. Besides that, I haven’t really been up to anything. I get real bored often and because I'm so bored I can't bring myself to enjoy doing anything. Inconveniently that means I still have a lot to read before school starts. To my misfortune, school starts on the 23rd this year - though every other year it started the 28th. -_- This change is most unwelcome but alas, there is nothing that can be done. I am halfway through 'The Picture of Dorian Gray' which I really enjoy reading. It's very cynical and almost dark. I just recently started 'Pride and Prejudice' and I'm still halfway through "Cat's Cradle" which I've found to become rather boring. I still have to read 'Merchant of Venice' and 'Fahrenheit 451' on top of finishing a poetry book by John Donne. That being said, I have much more to do before the summers end. Anyway, that is what I have been up to. On Saturday I might go out to the store and pick up some things (an IPod, V for Vendetta, a Pods coffeemaker, Titanic Special Edition DVD, and maybe some shoes). On Sunday Crystal and I are going to hang out with our old friend, Shannon, whom we haven’t talked to in a real long time but recently came back into contact. Yesterday I was looking up different colleges that I may want to attend; I think I have my sights set too high. I chose these so far: Illinois Wesleyan, Roosevelt College, Weaton, Barnard, Columbia, Elmhurst, Emerson, Reed, North Central, and Monmouth. Otherwise there is nothing else to report on.

First Semester
1A Law & The Individual
1B Law & The Individual
2A AP Lit & Comp
2B Trig
3A Astronomy
3B PE 3 & 4
4A Seminar
4B Seminar

Second Semester
1A Dramatics [I MIGHT DROP THIS CLASS]
1B Dramatics
2A AP Lit & Comp
2B Trig
3A Rhet of Cinema
3B Rhet of Cinema
4A PE 3 & 4
4B Seminar

Third Semester
1A Chemistry
1B Chemistry
2A AP Lit & Comp
2B Trig
3A Partners PE
3B Seminar
4A Soc Sci Survey
4B Soc Sci Survey

Fourth Semester
Same as third

43 things

So I found this pretty awesome site. [ www.43things.com. ] It reminds me of making a life list - you search things that you want to do and it will either show you more people who want to do it or maybe you're the first to suggest it. It adds the things to your list and you can write entries pertaining to each thing on the list. It's pretty incredible. Everyone should join! lol. Anyway, just thought I'd share that.

“All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another." --- Anatole France

This entire weekend has been dedicated to Jason and Heidi’s departure. Friday night we helped plan for the goodbye party, Saturday we attended the party and went to the last Ro0ts ever, and Sunday we watched mournfully as others said goodbye to our beloved friends. It’s really hard to even think of saying goodbye to them as they have not only been our youth leaders, but also mentors, friends, and parents. To say goodbye to them feels like saying goodbye to a part of my life that has upheld itself on a pedestal for nearly four years. Ro0ts, in my mind, has always been the ideal place to be and with their leaving, Ro0ts leave also. It is the end of an age or the breaking of the fellowship. In just a few weeks Erik and Charisse will be leaving also – the golden age of Ro0ts is most assuredly over. Thankfully I can say I’ve made friends with the people or Ro0ts (most recently Dan) and am growing in friendship with Erik. It’s hard to watch change and know that there is nothing we can do to pause it or at least slow it down. The idea that we must die to one life to enter a new chapter of our lives is interesting but most depressing. To leave Ro0ts in the past seems wrong. I don't know how everyone else feels but for me Ro0ts is something that will have to live strong in my heart forever. It may make things harder for awhile, not wanting to let go, but in the long run I believe it will be best. It reminds me of ‘Titanic.’ At the end of the movie Rose says as an old lady that she’d never spoken of Jack to anyone until that point. “A woman’s heart is a deep ocean of secrets…” I think that’s just it – she never spoke of it to anyone but he lives strong in her heart – only existing in her memories. He was the most precious person to her and to never speak of him must have been hard. That, I imagine, is what Ro0ts will be for awhile – until we all meet again. It will be a chapter of our lives that holds incredible impact but in time will be buried beneath new things. Change for sure is a melancholy thing as saying goodbye to Jason and Heidi is a very bitter sweet circumstance. They are living out what most only talk about but at the same time we will miss them a lot. Whether or not a new youth group is started or if we all continue to get together every once and a while, the consistent meetings are gone and the time has come for us to depart our ways. Winter Camp, New York, Chicago, Summer of Love, Texas, Mission Radiance, Common Ground, Stink Bomb, Froot Loops and so much more… How to let that lie in the past seems an improbable thing to attempt. Rather, I will hold onto the hope of one day feeling that same unification as we had at Ro0ts. To one day walk back into Ro0ts with everyone there, as Rose walked back into the Titanic at the end of the film and saw everyone around her on the ship – finally reuniting with Jack. One day, whether it is on earth in 5 years or mars in 20 years, or heaven when we die, I hold onto the hope of being in Ro0ts yet again.

Cornerstone 2006

Well Cornerstone was amazing. SOOO much happened and I met so many people. I barely know where to start so be warned now - this post will be extremely scattered as it is a collection of random thoughts from the last week. We got there Monday: It was really hot and setting up the 8 person tent was a legit challenge. We walked around for the afternoon - the team showed me around the campground (the team being Crystal, Dan, Josh, and Cindy). That night it rained; hard and loud.

On Tuesday Crystal, Cindy, and I went to town to Wal-Mart to pick up a few things. While we were out, we also stopped at Subway and Quiznos where we ran into a group of guys who told us of a group of protesters outside of the entrance to cornerstone. Conveniently, we ran into these protestors on our way back and I must say it was very intriguing. They gave me a handout telling me why they were protesting: they held signs that read "Cornerstone dishonors God." That afternoon the team walked up to the protestors and we had an interesting conversation. This guy thought that Cornerstone dishonored God because A) rock music, B) youth groups are evil, C) and no one has the right heart at Cornerstone because its equally secular. The conversation started when Crystal and I confronted him, but soon many people were joining the discussion. In the middle two guys making a documentary joined in and got a lot on tape. I’m interested in seeing this tape. Needless to say - nobody was able to prove this guy wrong because he wouldn’t let anyone say anything. Many of us had verses to back up our points but he was so busy trying to prove his point that nobody could get a word in edgewise. It was amazing; "Welcome to Cornerstone."

On Wednesday we saw "Underoath" on the main stage. I didn't think I'd enjoy it much because I was never too much of a fan but I was blown away. That performance would have to be my second favorite - next to Crowder. The lead singer worked the stage - he screamed. I don’t know what it was but I was entirely impressed. In the middle of one of the last songs an ambulance was pulling in next to the stage. After the song the band asked anyone who knew the injured girl to go to her; she was unconscious so they didn’t know her name. Nobody shifted - the band said they wouldn’t go on until someone went to her because "this girl was much more important that one more stupid song played" It was awesome. When the ambulance pulled in and nobody shifted to take notice of it I started to get very angry - I've been going through this thing where people don’t care about anything anymore because they're too desensitized to it. (i.e. car accidents. we see them so often that when we pass one we only look at it as an inconvenience instead of considering the person's life involved in the accident) So I was praying during that song and just asking God to help this girl when someone commented that it was a common thing and not that big a deal. I was heated. If Underoath hadn’t stopped the show I probably would have written off their show but they did and I so appreciated that small act of love for this girl (who we later learned was named "Rose")

On Thursday night we saw Crowder. He was awesome – as per usual; amazing worship experience. We met these two guys and a girl at that concert; Tim, Joe, and Ayesha. After the concert Tim, Joe, Crystal, and I went to watch the fireworks. Anyway, the show was awesome and Crowder would definitely take the cake for my favorite performance all week.

On Friday, Dan, Josh, and Cindy went to see Pirates while Crystal and I went to hear Mark from ‘Cool Hand Luke’ give a lesson. He talked about zeal without knowledge (focusing on 2 Kings 13). His teaching was awesome and to me it hit on exactly what I think is going on. He was aware of the lack of love going on these days in the church and he wasn’t unaware of his own lack of love to share to nonbelievers. After the lesson we went to talk with him and a few others and I was, for lack of a better word, ecstatic. The whole lot of us seemed to agree on these issues that the Judes has hit on in the past few months. The verse in Revelation on being lukewarm was discussed and gay rights were discussed. I loved it. I wonder what life would be like if all Christians had this same zeal for the Lord with a desire for knowledge behind it?

Honesty is an odd thing. When Mark was honest about his life outside of the band and away from the concert scene I didn’t want to believe him. He said he was pretty much a bad person – not loving unconditionally and not the perfect Christian. He was honest enough that I came to trust his word and his unending humbleness but that’s not all I realized. I realized I really do hold bands on a pedestal to live up to. For so long I’ve stood up for bands name and defended the fact that they are only human but I really only did that for secular bands. When it came to Christian bands I seemed to be in this mind set that they were beyond struggles – in my mind they needed to set an example to the world of what Christianity is. To a point that’s true but it is also true that they’re still human. This is why honesty is an odd thing; through his honesty I was able to be honest with myself about how I look at things. I see how hard it must have been for him to bring himself down from this picture perfect image we held him at because we all love to be idolized but at the same time I came to love his imperfections because of his honesty. I know this all sounds rather strange but in his mere honesty I realized a lot.

The concert was amazing. I met so many people – many in the Asylum (the Goth tent); Donna, Justin, Asher, red guy, mute boy, Mort, Amanda, Nick, Sam, etc. Most were nice but some I felt were a bit judgmental and not quite right. We met a kid at the ‘Falling Up’ Concert who had a huge bruise on his cheek from being kicked in the face during a mosh pit: we never got his name but we ran into him a few times and he was pretty awesome. I don’t even know what else to say because I’ve still skipped so much yet I can’t think of what to write next so I’m just gonna’ list stuff.

Top Concerts: David Crowder, Underoath, Cool Hand Luke, Kids in the Way, Showbread, mewithoutyou, Spoken, Lorien, The Wedding, Falling Up, Red, etc.
“Miner? Okay gotcha buddy!”
“Oooh Baby!!”
“Prozac!”
“Shushi?”

"Rest for the Weary" - Cool Hand Luke

Hey, it’s me

I’m sorry it’s so late

I can’t sleep

I knew You’d be awake (Psalm 121:4)

You’re always home

Waiting by the phone

For nights like these

When I’m feeling all alone

I wish it didn’t always

Have to be this way

I wish that I could talk to You

Face to face

But nothing compares to the way

You always listen and know just what to say

Hold my hand

I can’t stand alone

Here I am

Waiting for You to take me home

Oh, I just want to sing

I only wish there was a word

For what You mean to me

I would only say it once

In hushed tones

So it would not grow old

But all I haveIs “I love You”

You’re my Jesus, You’re my hero

Everything I wish that I could be

You’re the one who comforts me

When everyone is gone away

I can’t stand aloneHere I am

Waiting for You to take me home

And I will keep on singing

Because You hear me

And I will keep on smiling

Because You’re near me

I’ll sleep well on a promise tonight.

Dan: Lawn

Cindy: Garden

Naomi: Gnome

Josh: Flamingo

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tydyAo_f3WI

So that is a performance by mewithoutyou. I was sitting up on one of the hills and until that song I wasn't too jazzed about their music. After that, when they invited anyone to come up and dance on the stage, I was blown away. It reminds me of David dancing in the field and everyone thought he was crazy but it's so beautiful. Watching people dance on stage together and individually was incredibly inspiring.

FREE: TAKE ME

Rummage Sale

Another Unwelcomed Goodbye

On Saturday we had the Rummage Sale at church. I think it went good; more successful than the one we did for NYC. Hopefully people will remember to come to the community night on July 1st! Heh, but yeah - I was pleased. After the rummage sale me and my cousin went to a birthday party for one of my friends from school. That was alright - we didn't do much but it was entertaining.

On Sunday we skipped Church (Fathers Day and all)... On Sunday night I went to Blockbuster and rented three movies: "Dreamer," "A lot like love," and "Shopgirl." A few nights ago I rented "Nanny McPhee" and "The Family Stone."

Nanny McPhee was cute - the filming was awesome. The Family Stone was alright, though it wasn't too great; a bit confusing. We first watched "Shopgirl" first last night which was cute - I liked the narration. I rented it because we love Claire Danes. Then we watched "A Lot like Love" which I had actually already seen but it was still a great movie; romantic comedy. Interestingly, there wasa very distinct actor in "A Lot like Love" that we had just watched in "The Family Stone." His name is 'Tyrone Giordano' and he is deaf in both movies so I looked up him filmography and it turns out he actually is deaf! I think that is so cool; that he is deaf and an actor. And, even more interesting to me is that those are the only two movies he's been in. Anyway, just wanted to share that cool bit of information about that actor.

So yesterday I stayed in bed for 13 hours. Haha. Then we went grocery shopping and then we met with my old neighbor and her friend. The friend, Linda, and her husband wanted to meet Cleo. We're going to bring Cleo over to their house on Saturday and give her to them. :-( They have a big backyard and a nice sized house so I'm sure she'll be fine but I'm going to miss her.

Two Very Similar Movies

Scotty Corrigan buys an antique desk and finds a Civil War-era letter inside it, written by a woman who died over a hundred years ago. Fancifully, he writes and mails a reply...only to have it reach its destination in the past. As Elizabeth and Scotty continue their remarkable correspondence, they find themselves falling in love, and more than restless about their impending, respective, marriages. --The Love Letter

A lonely doctor (Sandra Bullock) who once occupied an unusual lakeside home begins exchanging love letters with its newest resident, a frustrated architect (Keanu Reeves). When they discover that they're actually living two years apart, they must try to unravel the mystery behind their extraordinary romance before it's too late. --The Lake House

The two movies sound very similar; I saw 'The Love Letter' last summer and when I saw the preview with 'The Lake House' I couldn't help but be confused. Was it a remake? Nope, it has no movie connections. Strange is all I claim.

Father's Day

Today was a bad day. I woke up and had a random memory of my Dad. It wasn’t much – just of him sitting in the kitchen watching the sci-fi channel and drinking coffee. All day I lazed around the house and watched Fathers Day commercials; not by choice, by fate. It was miserable, it was like in the movies when something bad happens and every channel you turn to has something to do with it. On one station there’s an episode about the daughters being mean to their Dad and then making up in the end, on another station is a cartoon about Dad’s, and between shows are commercials celebrating the very concept of Dad’s. I miss him, and I don’t need any reminders of the fact that he’s not here.

I think one of the worst parts is thinking of him in context of still being alive. Like today I did just that. Last night Cleo ate her collar and this morning, when I was going to take her out, I realized I couldn’t for that very reason. I ran through people in my head – Crystal’s at work…Ma’ is sleeping and will yell if I wake her up… Dad will… er, now he can’t. I’ll never forget how my Dad would do anything at any given time. Like one time I was about to go out with my friend and I needed a little money because we were going to see a movie; he was out getting coffee but he rushed home to get me the money (he was amazing like that).

With Fathers Day coming up and all I wish I could tell him how much I appreciate him. I wish I could celebrate it just one more time. I wish we could sit in the kitchen at 11:00 PM and watch Will and Grace as we drink coffee just one more time. It’s weird like that. At first I grieved about the memories: going out to breakfast when we were kids, or going camping… but now I grieve about the everyday things. Walking down the hall in the morning knowing he was behind me in the kitchen (his cheerful, good morning sunshine as I went into the bathroom). Anyway, today was a bad day.

Summer Cont.

So this is my first official day of summer because the weekend would have been there had I not gotten off. So, I woke up at 6:00 and rolled over until 11:00 when my dog started barking. Got out of bed, ate breakfast, took my dog out. Yeah, it was a very lazy morning so far. And even more amazingly, I dont have anything else to do today!!! Now, this situation can go two ways. I can anjoy this extreme amount of leisure time while I have it or I could think of stuff to do and not go crazy. We'll see which one I choose.

Yesterday was a long day. Went to church, then went to Barnes and Noble, then home, then to Charisse's graduation party, then to LSD's (lake street denny's) and ran into some friends and then went home and watched an episode of Everwood before going to bed. Yup. To elaborate: Church was good. Barnes and Noble dissapointing. Charisse's party was good. I feel kinda' bad because me and Jill just sat in the car the whole time (but we were talking!) so I dont know. It was a good party though. Uhm, at LSD's I ran into Richmond and Kelly and some of their friends. I met them through Kami. :-) They're cool though, I like them. And yeah, that pretty much sums up yesterday.

Over the summer I have to read 6 books: Cats Cradle by Kurt Vonnegut, Pride and Prejudice by Jane Austin, The Picture of Dorian Gray by Oscar Wilde, The Merchant of Venice by Shakespeare, Selected Poems by John Donne, and Fahrenheit 451 by Ray Bradbury. Also, I want to be reading the bible, finish the Lord of the Rings Trilogy (Im in the middle of book 1) and finish reading two other books that I've been in the middle of for too long. Soooo, yeah.

Summer

Well, I just got out of school yesterday. It should be a happy thing because next year is my senior year and then I'm done but I’m not happy to have gotten out for summer. I was crying a lot yesterday - and that resulted in my getting a cold. Evidently when someone is depressed enough they get sick so I'm assuming that's what happened.

You see, usually on final days my Dad would pick me up and ask me if I wanted to go out to lunch. We'd go to Omega Restaurant and eat the bread and butter, get some coffee, and I'd get a grilled cheese and he'd get some breakfast plate. The last time we went I got a Cappuccino. I miss him. When I got out of finals on Thursday I asked my Ma if we could go to Target and get socks and she said no. Instead she went home and watched TV for a few hours - as if that was such a pressing matter. It's just so different. She didn’t ask how my finals went and that was the first thing my Dad would ask. Then he'd say how proud he was of me - all my ma does is point out my flaws.

She complains about how my grades are slipping (not taking into account the fact that my Dad just died, I have an entirely new living situation to adjust to, and I’m stressed) and then she wont buy me any of the 6 books I need to read this summer for AP English. I'm sorry but where is the sense in that. And now all summer I have to spend my time in this place with her. She yells all the time and I hate being around her. This is not what I'd call a happy summer. On top of that, in the next month I have to get rid of my dog. I knew that I would have to eventually but I hate that its coming.

You see, a month from now I am going to Cornerstone (a week long Christian concert) and my Ma wont take care of my dog. Anyway, my old neighbors friends is looking for a dog so sometime in the next week she wants to meet my dog and maybe take her on... It's good and all, especially because I refuse to send my dog to a shelter, but its still upsetting. And mark my words, the day Cleo leaves is the day I lock my ma's cats in a cage and ship em' off. Not only that, it's the day I take all 36 or how ever many bins she has and throw them my Aunt Jenny's way. That being said, I'm not a happy camper and I can't wait for school to start back up.

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