The 10 commandments misinterpreted
Oh, Man! Me and Mom and Crystal got in a huge fight in the car yesterday. I totally blew up! It started when me and Cyrstal were talking about the christian club..theres one called H2O, and Mom heard us...she spoke up when we finished talking..She said "I dont see how you guys can start a christian club when you dont even act like christians." OH MY GOSH! How dare she say that, right!? She said "its a commandment to honor your parents..."
Crystal said, yes "Respect". Mom said...no "honor, meaning put your parents above you" The argument continued with that..crystal was saying we cant respect her if she shows us no respect..true. My arguement was that she has no right to judge us..The only person who can judge something like that is God. And the nerve that she had to say that..shes not even close to acting like an ideal christian..what does an ideal christian act like anyway?! I was so mad! I have been working so hard for the past 3 months to become a better christian..my friends noticed a huge change..but no, mom hasnt noticed anything different..I dont swear anymore, Im not obsessed with Charmed, I listen to mostly only Christian music...and all this stuff. Just the other day, I told Crystal we need to start respecting Mom because its a commandment, and we should work harder on following those..then this.. I dong know. Im still so mad that she had the nerve to say that.

Rest
Well, coping with Tobi's death has been really hard lately. I'm still in the mind set that he's here....I'll wake up in the middle of the night, and walk around the house frantically, looking for him....but he's never there, and then I remember he died. I think this would all be easier if I hadn't seen it all take place..seen him in pain...and everything.

I died my hair black...I look very dark. People have gone as far as saying I look goth... I did this because it really reflects how I feel...not so much as feeling dark, because I dont. I feel uplifted, having become a christian, but...still. I guess it reflects the pain I feel about Tobi.

Some good news is only 5 days after Dad's recent surgery, he had a bowel movement!! Right on schedule. I'm trying really hard not to get my hopes up...I'm not ready to handle another dissapointment.

World History is really rough. This 2 page doubled-spaced essay on Cleopatra is due tomorrow. Luckily, I finished. But today, Mr. Dowd assigned a new project. I dont know when it's due..but we need 8 slides...not cards, and a 1-2 page double-spaced essay! It seems like alot to me, but I guess it's not. Adal and Tracie are in my group. I think they will work, but when we are given class time for it, they will goof off..I dont know though.

I cant handle Crystal anymore...She told me mom is still having affects from the Acid she did when she was a teenager....and that shes so paranoid about people, and the way she acts is because of that. After I found out, I tried to be more patient with her, knowing that theres a reason she acts like that. I asked Crystal to try...to just not respond, as Julia and aunt Kathy suggested... But she said no. She wont let mom talk down to her (Mom does that alot). I simply said that I didnt want to be in the middle of it..because they both look stupid when they fight..i know, because I used to fight with mom all the time..and I look at myself, and realize how stupid I look. So, she said, "Your not in the middle, your in the back seat!" and I got so frusterated..I mean, sometimes I want tot talk to Crystal about stuff, but I cant, because her attitude. I dont know what to do. Also, Im trying really hard to follow the commandment saying to respect our parents..I feel like Crystal isnt even trying! AHH!

Also, I got a NEW HOODIE today! And a new book. Mom bought me those. ANDDDDDD Tiffany bought me the new Charmed CD! AHH! I cant believe she did that!!!!!
Music of the ear- Skillet :: Rest

Festival Con Dios
The concert was SOOO cool! When we arrived, 7 places was playing. After them, it was FM static, Matthew West, Thousand Foot Krutch, Sky Harbor, SanctusReal, OC Supertones, Kutless, KJ-52, then the Newsboys. The best band, by far, was Kutless! But most of those bands were so great! Throughout the concert, there was a clown named Happy or something, handing out balloons and pins, and there was a huge ball being tossed around the crowd. people were body surfing and mosg pitting...I got kicked in the head by a body surfer..and the mosh pitting was really..rough. Lol, to say the least! But it was great. We bought the SanctusReal CD and the poster. My favorite song of their's is "Hey Wait"

So confined to the fear that you hold on to
Time unwinds and nothing seems
Promised you

Hey wait, i want to take you for a ride
Hey wait, i want to catch you
While there's time

Who'll pick you up when there's no one
around?
Who'll hold you up when your heart
Hits the ground?

So defined by a love that has fallen through
But hope is kind
When you hope in something
You know is true

Hey wait, i want to take you for a ride
Hey wait, i want to catch you
While there's time

I'll pick you up when there's no one
Around
I'll hold you up when your heart
Hits the ground

You're tired and you can't take
Another time around
You know it's hope i'm holding
So i hope i've found you in this
(i've found you in this)

I'll pick you up when there's no one
Around
I'll hold you up when you heart
Hits the ground

I'll pick you up when there's no one
Around
I'll hold you up when you heart
Hits the ground


IT WAS SOOOO FUN! I CANT WAIT UNTIL NEXT YEAR!

((Although..people around me where using my as a stepping stone to get somwhere..this one lady kept shoving me to get closer to the girl she was with..and I got pushed away from Crystal and the rest of the group. Soon enough, Dan was getting pushed away, so Crystal grabbed me and pulled me past them. Then, I grabbed Dan and we were in a group again...Later, when Kutless came on...these two blond girls were grabbing my shoulders and jumping..pushing me down..Dan was laughing, and then moved over so I could go stand by him and Josh. Lol. I was getting pushed around alot. But all in good fun! Jolly Good Times, as Crystal would say!))

Silent Prayers
Dear God,
Its me again
And I come to you on my knees
I ask you for some help and guidence
I feel lost, and seek appease

Dear God,
Its me again
And I come to you with hands held high
I ask of you for some strength and hope
For I feel abandoned, and I want to die

Dear God,
Its me again
And I come to you with love in my heart
I ask of you for some support and love
For I feel alone, and I dont want to depart

Second Surgery
Daddy's surgery is in a half hour. He's really nervous, and so am I. I guess our church are all praying for him at 2:00 pm today...when surgery starts. So that's comforting. But, Im still really worried....if he died...I dont even know. I cant handle mom....me and Crystal would go to foster care or something. Oh well. That's all I really want to say today.

School People
So, we are not burying Tobi in the pet cemetary. :'-( I haven't cried real hard in 2 days..then again, I haven't really laughed neither. I haven't felt much of anything. Actually, I mostly feel anger. And since my Mom has been acting up really bad lately, I have been taking it out on her. I dont mean to be so mean...to her, but she really knows how to push my buttons. It's crazy how bad she can irritate me.

But at school, I met a few really nice people. This girl Tracy, she was apparantly in my sisters World History class last year, but failed, and now she is in mine. She is really nice, and she's funny. I used to call her the foot stomper..because at this one poetry reading at Hoffman, she stepped on my foot, and didnt say sorry.. Heh. But yeah. We're friends now. I met her friend today, Cammy. I dont know her much at all, but I thought it was really cool, she told Tracy that I am really easy to talk to, and she didnt feel uncomfortable at all meeting me. Another kid in my world history class is Adal. (I think that is how he spells it) He is really funny! And he seems really smart. I had a paper frog sitting on my desk today, and he made me a swan. CUTE! Hehe. But yeah. He is in my sisters first class, health. He doesnt know who she is though. Um. These two kids, Aaron and Eric (I think theyre names are)in my English class are pretty cool. I dont know them much, but they hate Good Charlotte, love monkeys, and wear green shoes. Aaron is like, obsessed with my big green safety pin (as was Emanuel and Sylvia last year), and he loves my mini handcuffs. Good times! ^_^ Les me see now. Who else have I met? Oh, Colin, from Biology. I loaned him 5$ a few days ago, he never payed me back. Hes a goth/punk/type thing...Hes cool. He doesnt talk much, but its all good, because I dont either. Ummmmm. I know I'm forgetting someone....Oh well.

Then, this kid, Brent, whom in which I have known for...umm, I guess, like, 5 years. We never really talked much..in fact, I was under the impression he was a naomi-hater. I guess not. He ran into my sister my first day of school, and asked how I was doing. She told him not good, because our dog died. So today, he talked to me in English and said his dog died a month or so ago...it was really nice of him to mention it...because even my closest friends dont want to talk about it...or make me feel better. Heck, Jennifer was just plain rude about it. Saying there was no point in burrying Tobi since he was already cremated..I havent talked to her much at all since she said that. But anyway, that was really sweet of Brent to say that. Lol.


--I hope nobody from school reads this! Nobody can know Im not mean and cold hearted!!!!--

Grief
Everyone, Mom, Crystal, and Dad are pushing me to go out. To youth group, church, to hang out with friends, or just go out to the mall. And just because I dont want to, they are all freaking out. Crystal is saying Im giving into the Devil...by allowing him to use my greif as a portal to drag me down. Dad and Mom are pushing me to go out and do stuff. It makes me so incredibly mad. We had Tobi for 12 years of my life. That's basically my whole life. And after only 5 days, they expect me to bounce back! What is 5 days, compared to 12 years. 5 horrible days, or grieving, compared to 12 years of happiness and love? I wish they would all just back off and leave me alone. Just for awhile. I just need to get all the tears out...After 15-18 hours on Wendsday...and a few hours everyday since then...It will only be a few months. I gotta' slowly start doing things...I cant just jump back into things like Crystal. It's like she just grieved one day, and next day she moved on. I dont know what that is, but I know I cant do it. I mean, I cant even type what happened to Tobi, let alone say it. Shes told family and close friends. I cant even sit in the car and sing to a song without crying. It's hard to talk without crying. Theres this constant lump in my throat..so I just wish they would live me alone until I feel open enough to atleast say it, or think it, without crying, rather than pushing me to do crap!

AND WE BETTER BURY HIM IN THE PET CEMETARY!!!!!!!!!
Crystal and Dad are talking about just having him cremated..and leaving it at that..I dont care, I'll find a way to get a job..or have my friends give me money..some way, Tobi will be buried respectfully..again, after 12 years, the best of my life....Tobi deserves more than what they are talking about giving him. Mucg more.

school
So, today was my second day of school. Apparantly I missed alot the first day. My freshman foundations teacher seemed mad. But, all my other teachers are nice. I really like my english teacher. And my biology teacher reminds me of Mrs Kossaris from spanish last year. But anyway, I have so much homework. I dont think my english teacher would mind much if I turned something in a day or so late, because she knows about Tobi. She also met Crystal, so, yeah. But, I just want to do my work, and get good grades. Im having trouble concentrating on the work though. It all seems so incredibly pointless. The only class I really care about is english, and for some reason, i cant concentrate. I know it's the one class, of then all, that will really get me where I wanna' go in life, but hey...if I cant concentrate. I cant.
In english, I have to write a letter to my teacher about what Im like and stuff, and finish this packet on verds, nouns, etc.
For World history, I have to look up an Inceman, find out about him, see what artifacts that were found, and write a essay about where each artifact came from, and how the iceman died and stuff. I also have to read 14 pages and answer 5 questions.
For Biology, I have to finish answering questions for the Lab, and do the worksheet for homework.
Its alot of homework for my first two days. It's all due Tuesday. -_-

We had a pep ralley at the end of the day too. Dan. M and Zach R sat behind us..apparantly they were messing with tiffanys backpack (jennifer and stef saw) and then they stared messing with mine. And when I was walking down the bleachers, dan m pushed me...and one of them put a penny in my backpack..crystal was really mad when I told her. She wants to report Dan M on tuesday. I think Jennifer and her brother are reporting him too. Normally, I would have turned around and shoved dan m..but, it all seems pointless now. Plus, Dad would freak if I got in trouble the first 2 days of school.

The Worst Day of my Life
I went to sleep around 10:00 pm last night. I had to be awake for school, right? Well, I couldn't sleep, at all. So around 11:30pm, I got this suitcase from my Dads room with a whole bunch of my stuff in it, and I brought it into my room, and started looking through it. Crystal got up, and came into my room. She couldn't sleep either. We talked for awhile, petting Tobi on my bed. I told her that he was breathing weird, he was like, double breathing..as if he had just got done running for a long time. So, we gave him some water, but he wouldn't drink. At about 12:10 pm, Crystal went back to bed, and so did I. Or, we tried...I tossed and turned the whole time. Tobi was very fidgety, so I thought he might want to get off the bed. So, I put my blanket on the floor, and layed him down on it. But, he was fidgeting there too, walking around the room, and not sitting still. So, I was laying in bed, and I called him over. Normally, he wont come. But this time, he came right to my hand and put his nose to it. So, I got back out of bed, and lifted him up. I put him at the end of my bed, then layed down on my stomach, and tried to go to sleep. He wouldn't sit still. He rested his head on one of my legs, then a minute later, he shifted to the other, and he did this for about 15 mintues. Then, I moved my leg, to get comfier, and to try and make him fall asleep...but there was a wet spot on my bed. I got up, and turned on the light. Tobi had wet my bed. His bladder broke...So, I put him on my floor, and he was breathing really heavy. I didn't know what to do, so I went to Crystals room, and brought her into mine, to show her what was happening. When she found out his water broke, I could tell by her look that it was NOT good. We didn't know what to do. It was 2:00am...who could we call? I had her call Dad on the cell phone. He didnt answer the first time, but then he called back. Crystal told him what was going on. He called our neighbor downstairs, Dawn. Dawn came up here, and looked in the phonebook for a vet that was open 24/7. We finally found one. Crystal picked Tobi up, and we brought him to Dawns van. We drove to the Vet. It happened to be the same place we took Sheva when she lost blood in her legs, and had to be put to sleep. The vet looked at him. His stomach was bloated. Abnormally fat. He couldnt even use his back legs. So, eventually the Vet came and told us what was wrong. He was bleeding internally, and had a tumor. They said they could do surgery, but there was a chance he would die anyway. Crystal asked if it would be less painful for him if we just put him to sleep. They said yes. I left the room, I couldnt take it....but, before they did, me and Crystal went to say goodbye to him. I told him I love him, and we left. He was hooked up to all this stuff, and he couldnt breath. They were pumping air into him so he could breathe. We left the room, and they put him to sleep. All the while, me and Crystal were crying..Dawn tried to comfort us, but shes not my Mom, and she was NOT making me feel better..so, I wanted to yell at her to get away, but she persisted, so I just did whatever. I didnt wanna' be rude..

So, Tobi is dead.

Me and Crystal didn't go to school today. I missed my first day of highschool. I haven't slept since Monday night. I havent eaten since yesterday at 5:30pm. I cant stand up without crying. I cant sit without crying. I cant do anything without crying. Crystal isnt crying as much. She just lays in bed, not sleeping, just laying. I dont think I can make it through school tomorrow without crying, but I think theyll make me go anyway.

Crystal told me that when she told Dad Tobi was gone, he sounded like he was going to cry.

Good/Bad news
Sooo. Crystal called Dad, Alyssa, and PetsMart already. Alyssa wants to take Crystal and me out to dinner tonight...probably to lonestar steakhouse, because all we can really eat is meat....
Tobi and Cleo's fur cut appointment is on September 6th. (Good fun)
And Dad...::long sigh::
Apparantly..he has some virus...or something...and something about his white blood cells...anyway, he has to go back to the hospital...... -_- this is my life.

Tomorrow is the first day of school. At 12:15 today, mom is supposed to be here, so at 12:30 Crystal can get her eyebrows waxed. Then, we are supposed to go to wal-mart and get me a new backpack...and then maybe to the mall, so we can each get a few t-shirts..(probably one because mom has been backing out of alot of the things she says)

And Tiffany got ahold of her grandparents...her grandpa called the school and was yelling at them..She MIGHT be able to go the first day..I haven't talked to her yet, so I dont know.

OH MY GOSH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The dumb school said Tiffany cant go to school!
They say she needs her grandparents to sign a proof of residency thing, even though her sister already goes there! BUT her grandparents are on vacation until the 7th, so they say she cant go to school until then!!!!
ITS STUPID! THEY CANT DO THAT! She can not miss her first week of school! AHHH!


So, School starts wen! Not Thursday! POOH! I was freaking out when I found out, but now Im just mad.


So, we didnt see uptown girls yesterday, because crystal said it was too hot, but whatever. Im over that!

Inspired
Church was good today. We talked about living for God. Atleast that's what I got out of it. I realized that when people work, they aren't only doing it to get money for themselves, but to help others. Like my Mom, she sorts mail and gets it out to other people. It's pretty cool. But yeah. I also learned that the sounds that God created are peaceful, and sounds of man, are not. Like, a car sound, zipping down the highway, in contrast to birds chirping in the morning. I think most would prefer birds. Or, police sirens in contrast to water splashing against rocks...again, I think most people would prefer the water. So, I reliazed that. And last night, I found this verse in the bible.

Philippians 3 : 13-14
Brethren. I count not myself to have apprehended: but this one thing I do, forgetting those things which are behind, and reaching forth unto those things which are before.
I press toward the mark for the prize of the high calling of God in Christ Jesus.

This inspired me to really push with the Atkins diet. It's hard...but if I really want it, I gotta' shoot for the prize. So, for now, I'm doing okay. I lost 8 IBS this month so far.....and in an hour, me and Crystal are walking 2.5 miles to see "Uptown Girls" and then 2.5 miles back. ^_^


Basically, today I'm really inspired to push forward in what I'm doing, and not give up on things so easily just because I want to, and keep going for God. Because, everything we do should be for God. Right?

No sleepover for me
So, Jennifer isn't sleeping over. Meaning, she's not going to church with us tomorrow? Why, you ask?

Jen: bad news
Me: not coming?
Jen: we drove around for like 2 hours and we had no freakin clue where your house was when we finally found it no one answered the door and as we were leaving a bunch of cops came and my mom freaked out
Me: ...what time did you get here?
Jen: maybe around 5:45? somewhere around there...the top doorbell said gonzalez
Me: no...ours doesnt..2330?
Jen: walnut ave
Me: Yeah
Jen: yea
Jen: it said on the top doorbell gonzalez
Me: well, you must have gone to the wrong house, because our doorbell doesnt say that.


-_- Oh well......

My schedule
First & second semester
day :::::: class :::::: teacher :::::: room
1A : Freshman Foundations : WWA : AV
1B : PE 1 : N S : Gym
2A : World History : MLD : 068
2A : World History : MLD : 068
3A : Biology : KLI : 252
Lunch : B
3B : Biology : KLI : 252
Lunch : B
4A : English 1 : ELM : 265
4B : English 1 : ELM : 265

3rd and 4th semester
1A : Seminar : KAJ : CAFE
1B : PE 1 : N S : GYM
2A : Computer Literacy : A2S : 048
2B : Computer Literacy : A2S : 048
3A : Art & Design : KPB : 134
Lunch : C
3B : Art & Design : KPB : 134
Lunch : C
4A : Algebra 1 : TBT : 234
4B : Algebra 1 : TBT : 234

Stuck

Well, today was a long day. We drove to visit Aunt Jenny, and to see baby Madison.....she's really cute. I played with Isabel for a long time.
We went grocery shopping. And got home at 9:30. I'll probably go into more detail about our drive to Jenny and Chris's, but right now..its not the time.

Because right now...it hit me...even if and when Dad comes home...things wont be the same..he wont ever be the same person he was when he went in. We probably wont ever go on a vacation anymore..atleast not like before...to Yogi Bear Jellystone Park...Crystal will be starting college in 2 years or so..
Well, I was in my room, petting Cleo, and it hit hard...that realization. I don't know why it took me this long to realize it..anyone who says things will be the same one day, is in serious denial! Well, anyway, I started crying, and I got that feeling again..it is one of the worst feelings ever...you only think it exists in movies or books until it happens..when, everything is so bad..that you just want to leave..but no matter where you go, its still there..and your stuck... -nobody really realizes what a horrible word 'stuck' is..- and, you feel alone..and just....stuck! There are no words to describe it..but I know, being only 14, I shouldn't have experienced it at all, let alone..3-4 times..

Its like...Im so busy trying to help everyone else...and yet, nobody is here for me. Yes, Crystal..but she probably feels just like I do. This whole situation blows.