Father's Day
Today was a bad day. I woke up and had a random memory of my Dad. It wasn’t much – just of him sitting in the kitchen watching the sci-fi channel and drinking coffee. All day I lazed around the house and watched Fathers Day commercials; not by choice, by fate. It was miserable, it was like in the movies when something bad happens and every channel you turn to has something to do with it. On one station there’s an episode about the daughters being mean to their Dad and then making up in the end, on another station is a cartoon about Dad’s, and between shows are commercials celebrating the very concept of Dad’s. I miss him, and I don’t need any reminders of the fact that he’s not here.
I think one of the worst parts is thinking of him in context of still being alive. Like today I did just that. Last night Cleo ate her collar and this morning, when I was going to take her out, I realized I couldn’t for that very reason. I ran through people in my head – Crystal’s at work…Ma’ is sleeping and will yell if I wake her up… Dad will… er, now he can’t. I’ll never forget how my Dad would do anything at any given time. Like one time I was about to go out with my friend and I needed a little money because we were going to see a movie; he was out getting coffee but he rushed home to get me the money (he was amazing like that).
With Fathers Day coming up and all I wish I could tell him how much I appreciate him. I wish I could celebrate it just one more time. I wish we could sit in the kitchen at 11:00 PM and watch Will and Grace as we drink coffee just one more time. It’s weird like that. At first I grieved about the memories: going out to breakfast when we were kids, or going camping… but now I grieve about the everyday things. Walking down the hall in the morning knowing he was behind me in the kitchen (his cheerful, good morning sunshine as I went into the bathroom). Anyway, today was a bad day.
I think one of the worst parts is thinking of him in context of still being alive. Like today I did just that. Last night Cleo ate her collar and this morning, when I was going to take her out, I realized I couldn’t for that very reason. I ran through people in my head – Crystal’s at work…Ma’ is sleeping and will yell if I wake her up… Dad will… er, now he can’t. I’ll never forget how my Dad would do anything at any given time. Like one time I was about to go out with my friend and I needed a little money because we were going to see a movie; he was out getting coffee but he rushed home to get me the money (he was amazing like that).
With Fathers Day coming up and all I wish I could tell him how much I appreciate him. I wish I could celebrate it just one more time. I wish we could sit in the kitchen at 11:00 PM and watch Will and Grace as we drink coffee just one more time. It’s weird like that. At first I grieved about the memories: going out to breakfast when we were kids, or going camping… but now I grieve about the everyday things. Walking down the hall in the morning knowing he was behind me in the kitchen (his cheerful, good morning sunshine as I went into the bathroom). Anyway, today was a bad day.
1 comment:
Sorry Naomi.
Ten Shekel Shirt has a song called February, and it's from the lead singer, who lost his mother and his brother.
There's one line that I really appreciate in the song:
Remembering... is honoring
What you wrote here honors your dad, even though it's so difficult for you to struggle through. One of the great realities that I see in life is the relationship between beauty and suffering. They compliment one another by deeping our ability to understand them. Your appreciation for the small things that you wrote about is magnified in light of tragic loss. That's a valuable lesson for us all to learn from.
Thank you for sharing it.
-jason
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