Tuesday, June 10, 2008
I'm Giving Up and Starting Over (dont expect it to be pretty)
I dont know what to do anymore. When I came back from NIU I thought I was doing the right thing - not to mention I couldnt pay them anyway to stay... I thought I had friends waiting here for me and I planned to get a job and my license and a car and to get right back in school. I started off good. My friends were totally here for me, I did get my license and a car and a job. Now, I'm miserable, friendless, and broke. I have NO money to get back to school anytime soon and I cant get any grants or loans... My new supervisor at work is looking to get me fired. I rear ended some foreigner yesterday because she slammed on her breaks in the middle of a green arrow - I didn't expect it... My best friend (Kami) moved, by very close friend (Kevin) broke my heart and recently told me never to talk to him again (because I'm having trouble getting over him WITH GOOD REASON), and I mean.. I just feel totally useless and worthless and like nothing I do makes a difference. My spirit has been broken. The fight in me is gone. The battles I once would have chosen to fight will be dead to me now. Not to sound all emo and what not but really - In one year I transformed into this talkative, spunky, confident person but I am completely ready to revert back to my shy, quiet self because this sucks. I hate this, I hate that everyone hates me, and I hate that I'm vulnerably honest with some people and they throw it in my face... I dont know what to do. I just want to get back to school. I want to write my novels. I want to move on but I CANT! I CANT MOVE ON. And it's so freaking frustrating. I feel stuck. I feel left behind because everyone can just go to school and go hang out with friends. :/
I dont know what to do anymore. When I came back from NIU I thought I was doing the right thing - not to mention I couldnt pay them anyway to stay... I thought I had friends waiting here for me and I planned to get a job and my license and a car and to get right back in school. I started off good. My friends were totally here for me, I did get my license and a car and a job. Now, I'm miserable, friendless, and broke. I have NO money to get back to school anytime soon and I cant get any grants or loans... My new supervisor at work is looking to get me fired. I rear ended some foreigner yesterday because she slammed on her breaks in the middle of a green arrow - I didn't expect it... My best friend (Kami) moved, by very close friend (Kevin) broke my heart and recently told me never to talk to him again (because I'm having trouble getting over him WITH GOOD REASON), and I mean.. I just feel totally useless and worthless and like nothing I do makes a difference. My spirit has been broken. The fight in me is gone. The battles I once would have chosen to fight will be dead to me now. Not to sound all emo and what not but really - In one year I transformed into this talkative, spunky, confident person but I am completely ready to revert back to my shy, quiet self because this sucks. I hate this, I hate that everyone hates me, and I hate that I'm vulnerably honest with some people and they throw it in my face... I dont know what to do. I just want to get back to school. I want to write my novels. I want to move on but I CANT! I CANT MOVE ON. And it's so freaking frustrating. I feel stuck. I feel left behind because everyone can just go to school and go hang out with friends. :/
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