Monday, October 29, 2007

MOVING BACK HOME

So the update on my life: I still don't have my laptop. It was finished at 2:30 on Sunday but my Mom insisted on taking me back at 12:30 so even though my laptop is finished, I wont have it until next week. Also, when my laptop was mysteriously dropped by Anonymous and the screen was cracked, apparently the hard drive was messed up so they had to replace the hard drive - all my documents are gone. I wanted my laptop back so I could work on my English essay but that didn't happen so this essay is going to be real... simple. Haha. Whatever - I don't really care anymore. I only care about PASSING the classes I'm already in and then leaving NIU. I was going to transfer to the Roosevelt in Chicago but now I'm thinking of just moving back in with my ma' (no matter how hard that is going to be), getting my license and a job and enrolling in the Roosevelt in Schaumburg. I need my license - seriously. And I need a car. basically I realize now that these next few years are going to be hell and all I want to do is scrape through them. I don't care about coming out on top anymore. Is that bad? I don't think so. I'm sure whoever is reading this knows what its like - to be kicked while you're down... I mean, people can only take so much and I've reached my limit. All that to say I have a lot to do for the next few months.

Wednesday, October 24, 2007

Dropping out of School?
Oh my goodness - so I guess I still owe the school about $5500.00 before my first term is covered... I cant register for classes and I cant get my transcripts until thats paid in full. I guess I have to apply for ANOTHER loan but I know my ma wont go for that - so what do I do? I mean, I'm literally considering dropping out of school for a few years until my life is more stable... like I have a job and a car and stuff. I obviously don't want to put my education on hold but I don't seem to have many more options... Soo thats the update on that. :/

Wednesday, October 17, 2007

Transferring
Well I have not written anything in a while... Things at Northern are going okay. Most of my classes are fine... I'm struggling with French but that was to be expected. Statistics is one of those classes that I'm just going to have to pull through. Art History is boring but pretty dang simply to manage. Philosophy takes some work but I think I'm doing good. And English... well we rarely meet but when we do its easy-peasy. As for friends... umm, there are none. Kami moved to Iowa so even when I go back to Schaumburg (EVERY WEEKEND!) its not like I have anyone to hang out with.. Well, I hang out with Travis but even thats getting to be less and less. At school I don't have any friends. I don't get along with many people here - or, more so, I don't have much in common with people here. I don't want to party and I don't listen to their music so we clash. I called Roosevelt and they said I could transfer there for Spring term without having to reapply... So I think I am going to do that. Another thing is I CANT find a job on campus...so living here is just proving to be more difficult that its worth. Im thinking that Roosevelt is the best alternative because it shouldn't be too hard to find a job, they specialize in CREATIVE writing as opposed to just being an English major, AND it would be soo easy to commute home for the weekends (or even on some week nights if I so wanted to) because I could just hop onto the Metra.

Thursday, September 20, 2007

Our Tango Dance -
Tango dancing on a wire with you is exhausting
I try to balance as our hips thrust at one another –
And as we spin around each other in fantastic form
This wire likes to wobble
& I wonder if the telephone poles will continue to support our weight
The bird wires for gossip wobble
But we continue to dance
We continue to move passionately
You shout words at me
Words that graze and cut my ears
I foolishly throw myself at you
I am a fool
You thwart me away by twisting away from me
I will continue to dance
Though the wires threaten to snap
And though the heat seems to rise
I will go on dancing
Either the wires are sparking
Or there is something between us
There’s no way to tell
No way to know how you feel
No way to avoid hurt
To avoid the fire
We keep tango dancing along the wire in the sky
Clouds drifting beside us
& I fear the wires will snap
I hope they snap.

--> I wrote this poem about tango dancing when I was thinking about me and this guy. I was in the car with my sister thinking about my relationship with him and I was trying to pinpoint how it made me feel; its a feeling I'm not used to. Its not like I'm standing in the middle of an ocean with waves crashing around me and it's not like a delicate ballet dance in the middle of the winter in a forest... It's passionate (I have these feelings for him that go unreturned - an unrequited romance). Yet every move I make with him I feel like I have to carefully plan it out and find loops holes so as not to be "thrown off the island" in a sense. The tango dance is passionate and emotional. The telephone wire means a lot. First of all the part with the sparks is supposed to get across the ambiguity of everything - how something that may sometimes seem so clear (like him liking me in return) turns out to be something totally different. (the wires sparking). Then the wires also represent gossip - like dancing along a stream of words that have no real meaning. The reason it represent gossip also is because when I think of telephone wires I think of a line of birds sitting on it and it always looks like they are talking or in other words, gossiping. I really like this poem because I feel like SO many people can relate to it... Anyone whose gone after a person who didnt have feelings for them in return would understand.

Saturday, September 15, 2007

BYE KAMI - BFF



Saturday, September 08, 2007

A Friendship -

In winter Chicago smells of exhaust and cold; the first day of school has this smell of freshly sharpened pencils and stale classrooms; the bathroom has a smell of ‘Brute’ cologne and stale cigarettes. Everything in my life leaves a small impression in my memory – a small impression that will linger in my mind for years to follow. This summer left a new impression on me: As I recall its events I will always feel a warmth and closeness inside that follows with a scent of ‘Sensual Amber’ body spray and the sound of loud music blaring in my head. Our friendship was reunited in spring after about a six-month separation and every month we clung to each other more and more, knowing another separation rested on the horizon.

AFI’s “Prelude 12/21” rang as a text message was delivered to my cell phone. It’s Kami – she wants to know if I want to hang out when she gets out of work at 6 p.m. She came to my house around 7 p.m. and we just barely drove to Subway to get some dinner. I say ‘just barely’ because her car doesn’t like going where we want it to; the RPM’s would drop significantly low and the engine would just rev rather than speed up so that we would just barely make it to where we had to go before it conked out for a few hours.

We enjoyed our sandwiches which were over-stuffed with vegetables that we both knew would add those extra few calories that we were trying to hard to avoid. Before hanging out with her, I never added anything to my subs but she made me want to try new things and as small as adding olives to my usually BLT sub is, it was a big deal for me. Soon enough she had me adding tomato and olives and oils to all my sandwiches. Kami and I had the uncanny ability to influence one another without the slightest intention of doing so. I, to her displeasure I am sure, somehow managed to sway her to be just a bit more high-maintenance than her usual self. Now, just as I often do, she orders her food with a few things ‘on the side’ as opposed to on the sandwich and she finds herself criticizing restaurant services now more than ever.

As the day came closer and closer we seemed to spend more time together. To the extreme annoyance of many around us, Kami and I were inseparable. In our most extreme exhaustion we would call one another up to get together. Everyday it seemed we would lay-out yet another creative endeavor for us to accomplish before I was to leave for school. Our last, and most memorable, endeavor was to make a photo-album of our pictures telling the story of our friendship. We already had over 300 photos of her from the days when I fancied myself a photographer and her, a model. We had probably two of me and about fifteen of us together. We had a long way to go to get to our goal of 150 but we did it. Almost everyday when we got together we would snap pictures.

For a few days we aimed to get pictures of us in front of the most significant places we went to in the summer (Denny’s, Dominick’s, Panda Express, Xactek, etc) but our time was, to say in the least, limited. We also wanted to get pictures of us with every person we spent time with in the summer but that proved to be an even more impossible thing as people would only see us when it was convenient for them.

The photos were all taken and I was set to leave the following day. She came to my house that morning and we ran errands the entire day in the 90 degree heat. We went to Panda Express to get some food and each ate one egg roll too much which pushed us both past full and into our “going-to-keel-over-and-die-of-fullness” phase. From there we headed to the mall to find a photo booth where we could take pictures. To our annoyance Woodfield Mall did not have one so we drove over to Stratford where we walked around the mall for almost an hour before giving up and then realizing as we were leaving that it was under the door we entered from.

After taking our pictures we headed to Wal-Mart to get our 150 pictures developed but the photo lines were long and the machines were running slow so with only 2 hours left of the store being open we began to panic. Both of us were getting to our breaking point. It was a mixture of emotions in knowing that it was our last night together and not being able to get what to needed to do done that we sort-of fell into an emo mood.

Thankfully Walgreens came to our rescue and was able to develop all of the images within 2 hours – so as we were waiting for them to finish we walked across the street to McDonald’s. Neither of us was very hungry but with no other ideas of what to do and both of us in sad moods, we settled on eating. While there we spoke of our friends who refused to hang out with us before I left. We were hurt – simple as that.

Finally, our pictures were done from Walgreens. We headed back to my house where we finished bringing my belongings down to my sisters car in the rain before sitting in the living room and laying our all the pictures into the photo albums together. It was hard and we both wanted to cry many times as we looked at the images that told the story of our friendship – a friendship we knew would again be challenged as we both went our own ways.

With us both feeling down trodden and emotional and with the photo albums finished we went over to Denny’s where we sat enjoyed a huge sundae as we wrote captions and watching the rain come down harder and harder. The clock reading 2 a.m. we decided to split; each of us go home and face the coming day separately. She drove me home and we both stood in the rain with tears on our face, only a hug to signify everything. Kami drove away.

Wednesday, September 05, 2007

A bit on my Classes

So Im in the second week of classes here at NIU and I am managing alright so far. I am currently enrolled in Statistics, French 101, English, Art History, and Philosophy. I am not worried about my English or Statistics class much because this is a basic English class that I technically tested out of and I took a Statistics course in high school so I should be able to manage that fine.


Philosophy so far is an interesting class - my teacher is English and often likes to poke fun at us Americans. Right now we are learning how to present deductive arguments; our current course material being how to prove that God exists and our next topic is how to prove he does not. As expected many students are very, very passionate about the subject (though nobody speaks up much in class). You've for your typical teenage atheist who thinks religion is for morons and you've got your standard Christian girl who was raised perfectly and is offended that other wont respect her beliefs - then you've got me... a Christian with a lot of room for questions and a mindset more like an agnostic.

French 101 - I've actually only been to the class once so far but I do have a lot to say on the subject. The first day my teacher was telling story after story about france and french movies and cuisine - I didn't learn anything but I assumed it was because it was the first day. Later in the week my RA was talking to me about her french class (which actually is the same as mine except it meets one hour before mine does) and she actually decided to transfer into another class because of how our teacher bounces for topic to topic. My RA - a girl who took french for 4 years in high school - decided to transfer out... Sad to say I didn't have the luxury so I am stuck in that class and will be heading there is a few minutes.

Lastly, Art History. It's art and its history... its boring. We wont be having a final in there and basically I only took it for the credit. The class is actually the perfect icon of how you picture a college lecture going; teacher babbling on and on about random facts using extremely long words that would take you a few minutes at least to understand with the entire audience staring into space with a dazed look on their face - often times struggling to stay awake. Yup, a typical lecture situation..

SOO right now I gotta head to my French class and see if I can talk to my teacher and figure out if I will be able to pass this course - then I have to go on a mad hunt for ice. My roommate popped her knee cap out of place yesterday. I went to my two morning classes and when I came back to switch books she was still laying in bed with a pill bottle in her hand... I freaked out a little because I couldn't tell if she was okay and I knew she was supposed to be at class so I woke her up and all she requested was ice. Everyone I asked told me the only place to get ice is off campus... but tonight I am going to go to the cafeteria (Right after I get out of my french class) and I am going to fill up a cup of ice and I am going to leave with that cup of ice to bring to my room mate! After that, I dont know what I can do. :[

DO NOT READ THE NEXT PARAGRAPH IF YOU HAVEN'T READ HP7 & DON'T WANT TO SPOIL THE ENDING!



Oh, and before I go.. a little on Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows. I thought the book was good except for a few things that irk me real bad. Throughout the entire book we are sitting with Ron, Harry, and Hermione wondering WHY Dumbledore didn't tell Harry more about what to do. We are wondering if what Rita Skeeter said is true - and we continue to have this unedning faithing in Dumbledore because for 6 books we have been given no reason to doubt him. It turns out that he really wasnt the greatest guy and when confronted by Harry all he could say is 'Sorry, my bad... guess I should have told you more but I thought you'd be dumb and mess up like I did!' ......... Kay .......... Then that little conclusion was awfully cheesy... What was Rowling thinking? Yeah, it was cute but come on! Every addition to the series grew a little more darker and then all the sudden these last 6 pages or so is the classic happily ever after ending. AND WHY DIDN'T HARRY DIE? Whatever, Snape is good - I knew it! :D

Tuesday, September 04, 2007

Proud Snape-Suppoter
Well I FINALLY finished the new HP and let me be the first (or maybe last) to say SNAPE IS GOOD! haha. More on that later - also more on my classes and what not.

Monday, August 27, 2007

MY DORM ROOM

Saturday, August 25, 2007

My Move-In Story

Thursday finally came and I had all my belongings packed up and loaded into Crystal's car. The night before was spent with Kami as we each made a photo book that consisted of 150 photos of us. It was emotional - we ended it by sitting at Denny's with a sundae and coffee for each of us as we reminisced our summer. Before she left we shared a cry and that was it. Thursday morning (in the wee hours of 3 and 4 am) I hung out with Travis and we said our sort of goodbyes. After talking to him I went upstairs and as I shut the door I started sobbing - I guess realizing that the summer was over and I wouldn't be seeing anyone much anymore. Crystal got home around 12 from work and we headed to NIU for my move-in. Even as we pulled out of the apartments I was tearing up. THe entire ride there I was upset and exhausted from that mornings crying and lack of sleep. All I wanted to do was get to NIU and go to sleep.

We arrived at NIU around 1:30 but were unable to get the Grant Towers until about 2. Nobody seemed to be able to direct us in the right direction and it was all just very chaotic. Finally we found a guy who knew basically what was going on so he told us where to park and what to do. We were about to pull away to check in but he told us we might want to wait because a storm was rolling in. I guess we were either too eager to start this move-in process or just plain dumb but we decided to go on ahead and check in.

We arrived at the parking lot near Grant Towers and the move-in team started unloading our car and putting all my belongings on these go-carts which would take my stuff to my dorm and from there I would check in and take my stuff up to my floor (8th floor. -_-) It started to rain as they unloaded my stuff. I got on one of the go-carts carrying my stuff but Crystal was told she had to move her car so she went to do this. (this all happened in a matter of minutes). Well as I pulled away from her and as she pulled away from me we both realized that I left my purse in the car which had my cell phone and my ONE card (which allows me to check into my dorm and start moving in).

I got to the dorm and they unloaded my stuff to sit outside the dorm building - I went in to stand by the other half of my stuff inside. It started to downpour. The wind picked up and it was lightening up the whazoo. The next thing I know I'm running outside to try and collect my stuff. Part of my belongings were outside (my laptop, DVD's, case of Monster and water, bedding, etc), part of them were inside (my books and some bags of stuff) and then somewhere else inside the rest of my stuff was (desk stuff, suitcase, bins of stuff, etc). I finally got all my stuff in one spot INSIDE and was situated - all I had to do was wait for Crystal to get there with my ONE card.

I asked to use someones cell phone and I called her and she said she was on her way to my tower. A few minutes after the phone call they made an announcement that we all needed to go down to the basement because a tornado was in the area. I was freaking out as I walked downstairs; tearing up as I stood in the hall in the basement. I kept thinking to myself how I wanted Travis there to hug me or Kami there to calm me down or simply stand with me. Anyone who is anyone knows that tornadoes are not my thing - they are actually one of the major things I was worried about when choosing which college to go to.. tornadoes and coffee options. :P

Anyway, they ended the evacuation and we went back upstairs. Again I borrowed someones cell phone and called Crystal and left a message. A few minutes later this girl stood up and said we needed to get back to the basement NOW because the tornado was like 5 miles away. As I went to the basement I was freaking out - not only about the tornado now but worrying about whether Crystal was okay. Again, we were told it was safe to go upstairs so I bolted up and borrowed someones cell phone but no answer from Crystal. Like 10 minutes after that she found me - she was sopping wet and had sprained her ankle while running from her car to get the dorm at which point the tornado alarm started going off.

We began the crazy task of lugging all my belongings to the elevator and up to the 8th floor and down the hall to my room. My roommate was already there and waiting for me. Her name is Kalimah and shes pretty much amazing. She helped me bring my stuff up and it turns on we have a lot in common. The interesting about it is I was told that I was in Grant B and that my roommate was Tiffany Jackson -- but I am in Grant A with Kalimah. I prayed after I got my housing assignment that God would be over it because I did not have a good feeling. Then all this happened without my knowing it but I ended up with this great girl who loves the TV show Scrubs and who loves all kinds of music and who watches anime and has been to Africa. :D I may not be too close to God right now but I can see His work in front of me still which is pretty awesome.

Thursday evening was insane - they were constantly getting on the intercom and announcing the status of the storm. Dekalb was flooding and impassible for a few hours so Crystal was stuck there. Finally around 10:30 we decided that I could go home for 2 nights. That brings me to now - Saturday night. It is my first night in the dorm and its alright. I miss Travis a lot, and Crystal and Kami. :[ It's weird not being with any of them right now. Ive never lived without Crystal! :[ But so far I am doing okay... I have my room all set up and cute and its real homey so its not too bad. Tomorrow I have to roam around campus and try to find where the crap my classes are located. BLEH!







Monday, August 06, 2007

With the summer coming to an end I feel the need to debrief on some things. For the most part I have succeeded in attending CC O'hare; at least long enough for my mother to be willing to cosign the loans. I am scheduled to leave for NIU on the 23rd - though I have yet to receive my room mate assignment. -_- I am nervous to go but I can not wait to leave.

Just a week ago I got my first pap smear. It wasnt as bad as some people made it out to be but its not something I would look forward to. The reason I really wanted to get it though was because in early July I got a phone call from a close friend of mine telling me she had a brain tumor and was going into surgery in just 2 days. Thankfully the surgery went well and she is healing from it now but it left me paranoid. Every little thing was enough to convince me that I, too, had some sort of tumor. A simple yeast infection led me to believe I had cervical cancer. :P

Travis and I are doing good. We have hit some rough terrain but we are trying to get through it together. I dont know what exactly will happen when I leave for school; he says we'll stay together... I'm not sure I see that realistically. In the mean time I will just carry on in the game of wait and see.

Overall I'd say it was a good summer - I didn't stay home for a single day. Every day it was either Kami or Travis. For awhile we hung out with Travis' group of Drew, Shane, Jon, Kevin, Tiffy, Desmond, and sometimes Tom. Then we joined Crystal in her group of Devan, Adam, Jake, and Clifton. Then it was Kami's group/s of Mark & Christina or Steve & Reese. Although each group had their charms I am looking forward to meeting new people and having a new group of friends.

My next update will probably be from the dorm - so wish me luck in getting settled in!

Tuesday, June 12, 2007

Hostage Situation
My update for now is merely that I am currently living at home - my mom said that I have to go to Calvary Chapel every week until I leave for school and then shell cosign my loan and allow me to live at home. Mostly I have been hanging out with Kami & occassionally Travis because things at home with my ma are so heated. Umm, right now I am with Kami and Travis is coming over so maybe we can do something tonight but I dont know. Apparantly I cant go home tonight because theres a gun situation at my house and it would be nearly impossible to get into the apartment. So in summary I feel like Im a hostage where I live and theres a hostage situation (or something) occurring there now. Kind of ironic I guess. Im excited for student orientation which is a week from today and then Cornerstone which is just under two weeks from today. Ummm. For more updates go to my poetry blog because thats basically all I do now... write poems or think about what to write in a poem. haha. http://acidictear.blogspot.com

Monday, June 04, 2007

Ah - to be an adult
Hey.. again, this update wont be very efficient in getting across everything that has been going on. For now, I will talk about what has happened in only the past day. The other night I had Kami and Travis over to watch "Grind" because neither of them had seen it. After we finished watching that we watched "Clarissa Explains it All" for a while - Kami left eventually due to exhaustion and me & Travis stayed to finished watching Clarissa. All good and innocent - I mean, geez, at the very most it was only nostalgic. Well me & Travis went to my room and my ma came home early from work - she freaked out and I left. When I came home I had every intention of simply apologizing and explaining...I even wrote a cute little note but when she woke up she immediately started freaking out - called me a slut and a pagan and told me to leave. Loving, no? She also told me theres no way she is cosigning my loan for NIU. So as of today I am homeless (staying with Kami & Travis back and forth this week) and I cant go to school I guess... I am going to talk to the financial adviser at the school but I know already there is nothing they can do for me. I have all the expectations put on me and the responsibilities of being an 18 year old - technically an adult - but none of the benefits. I cant take out my own loans for school so whats the point?!! Yeah, I'm upset and I'm not quite sure what my next step is.

Wednesday, May 30, 2007

IM DONE WITH HIGH SCHOOL!
It's been a long month and a lot has happened - A LOT. Im so happy that I am done with high school though and I have student orientation at Northern coming up on June 19th... I cant wait to sign up for classes. Anyways, I dont feel like delving into exactly what has been up quite yet so stay posted because I'll be for sure updating soon. :]