On God:

This weekend I watched Titanic 4 times – once each day. I also saw “Flicka,” “Running with Scissors,” “The Guardian,” “Infamous,” and “Lucky Number Slevin.” So most of my weekend was actually dedicated to watching movies – this is what I do when I’m depressed.

Every night this week I have had nightmares/dreams about Dad. It’s made things hard. And this Saturday I realized something about my relationship with God. I won’t go into detail but here’s what I noticed, basically: I’m mad at God. I don’t blame him for the death of my Dad but I am mad at Him. You see, we prayed for years about my Dad and God still took him – why? What’s the point of praying if God doesn’t acknowledge what I ask Him? I’ve always been told that we pray to God so we can have a say – of sorts – as to what happens in our lives… or more so, the smaller events that happen but still fit into his overall plan. Well, I feel like He ignored my prayers and looking back at the year (since last march) I can admit that I have BARELY prayed at all. I think the reason for that is because I don’t trust God like I used to – I feel like prayer is pointless. Deep down I know this isn’t true but…I cant seem to get around it. Maybe I’m feeling so down because its almost been a full year…I don’t know, but that’s where I’m at.

Get me the Energy Drink

Today has been a very long day for me. I had trouble sleeping last night and brilliantly thought: "I might as well shower tonight then, since I cant sleep." but that kept me up a few extra hours. I'd say I got about 4 hours of shut eye. But you see, every other day this week I had the luxury of late start (got up at 7:30 and at school by 9:00) but today I had to get up by 6:00 and be at school by 7:00. First block I went around the school with one of the athletes [a special ed student in my PE class -we call them athletes and they call us partners-] and posted up 40 posters for the Amy Rudolph Tournament. That was actually better than coaching in gym, I think, because my throat is sore and yelling at them to "keep guarding" or "be open!" is hard on the vocals. Haha. So first block wasnt bad. Statistics was fine, and chemistry and survey were tolerable. Even in my lunch hour, though, I had to make up a test from Tuesday and in my passing period between 2nd and 3rd I had to make up a quiz. So I mean, really, my day was fully packed.

I came home immediately after school (got home at 2:5o) and left at 3:15 to go to the library and do my volunteer work. That wasn't too bad. They just had me stacking DVD's (sorting them by genre and then alphabetically) and then I stamped date cards. Enthralling, I know. But everyone was really nice. Heh, you'd be surprised how much I manage to mess up in such seemingly simple tasks. [Its like sharpening a pencil, I just cant seem to do it right!]. Let's just say...the DVD's are put into clear cases and locked. I put them in the cases but I kinda forgot the next step before shelving them. >_> But yeah, that's all I'll say about that.

So I got home by 5:40 and began my homework. I completed one essay for english by 6:30 and a second essay for english by 7:35. Now, in exhaustion, I decided to skip my chemistry and statistics. I figure I'll do the statisitcs Monday since I dont have that class again until Wednesday! and I'll do the chemistry sometime during tomorrow.. Er, yeah. And I'll do whatever senior survey homework I have during survey.

All that to simply say, its been a long day!

I am sick.

On Sunday after church my throat started to hurt - did I sing too loud??? I dont know why, but when I got home my throat was hurting all night. Monday at school my nose was just running and it was awful, so on Tuesday I stayed home. Lots of schools around here got a snow day so I dont think school should have even been happening. Anyway, Im getting ready for school now and I just thought I'd post about how miserable I feel. Lol. Actually its just my head - lots of pressure. Like in "You've Got Mail." ... "My head feels fuzzyyy..." Lol. Okay, well there isnt really a point to this post so I'm going to end it now.

Oh high school..

Last night we went to The Union to see Anathollo. We picked up the Hadj and took off. A band from Canada, Red Umbrella, was the opening performance and they were pretty great. They covered a U2 song and the singer actually sounded really good doing it - so that was good. And of course Anathollo was awesome. Their whole performance just reminds me of something straight out of "Dead Poets Society." I don’t know if their best qualities could get across if heard on a CD because I first heard them at Cornerstone and listening to the CD just doesn’t feel the same. Given, they sound great on CD, just better in concert. Lol, anyways!

So this morning we did a service project with Ecclesia. Unfortunately we were late but it was still good - we were packaging boxes of food for people who need the help - good times. I don’t really know what the point of this update is beyond the fact that I am bored. I haven’t watched TV much at all in a little over a month and I haven’t played the Sims since winter break so I feel like there is not much to do except write and read while listening to music. haha.

Oh, I thought of something to update on; my school. Haha. Starting this week students will have to pay a $50 fine for truancies - I heard its actually $50 per class - so if you ditch a full day you have to pay $200. I don’t really see how they can do that but if they can, I don’t think it should apply to 16+. Its not a law for people over the age of 16 to attend school so technically it shouldn’t be illegal for them not to go. I’ve never been truant - but still. Also, next year the students will have to wear their ID's around their neck around a chain provided by the school that has a detachable hook so hall monitors can grab IDs as they please. This doesn’t sound like the worst idea accept that in my mind, students will feel much more of a need to rebel and it takes away from their identity, I think. I mean, its like giving students a number and treating them like nothing more than just that. ALSO, starting now we have to have passes for everywhere we go! Throughout all of high school they have never been strict about passes - even while in study hall we will have to actually bring all of our books with because they don’t intend to allow us to go to our lockers. -_- Seminar is supposed to be the privilege study hall for people with decent grades. Now, they're basically taking those rights away too. I'm just so relieved that I am graduating soon. Haha.

Bored in Math Class - Emo Gnome

Well, Im in math right now and I just finished taking a test. I failed! lol. I didnt feel like doing it and I didnt study. haha. Im so tired! I didnt fall asleep until sometime around 3:30 - the last time I looked at the clock it was 3:36 a.m. Sooo Im real tired! Yup. Anyway, this friday we are going to an Anathollo concert and then saturday morning there is small group which actually might just be volunteer work that we do together. After small group I muight hang out with Jill - then Sunday night is Ecclesia. NEXT WEEK I am hanging out with Chrissie Friday night, going to small group Saturday morning, hanging out with Theo later that day, and Ecclesia that Sunday - then no school monday! Woot woot! Isnt all this just the most enthralling information ever! Im so bored. Just listening to music. OH! I found so much new music lately. "Making April," "Last Winter," "Scary Kids Scaring Kids, "Therefore I am," "Four Letter Lie," etc etc! Very exciting. As all know, new music is amazing. Of course... with this new music I have also taken on the persona of an emo - apparantly. Not even kidding, Ive been called an emo by SO many people lately. Is it the hair cut? Because I wear a black hoodie? My Music? I DONT KNOW! But emo is a derogatory term implying that someone is being sad all the time and trying to get attention for a bad life they wish they had. That is not me! I have no problem with Emos - I love them - but people call someone emo in a bad way... its not like its a compliment. So thats my story...

TO SNAPE

Okay - I need to say this. After I finished the sixth Harry Potter book I was so infuriated because I trust/ed Snape. Everyone around me insisted that Snape WAS bad and that it did indeed fit into his character but I still do not agree. I just found out today that there is a huge following of people who also believe snape is good. Apparantly its a major controversy - many believe Snape's character will actually be shown in true colors in the seventh book; shown as good. This controvery extends so far that anyone who pre-orders the seventh book ($65 for Deluxe Edition) will receive a sticker that either says "Snape is good" or "Snape is bad." Crystal wants the "Snape is bad" and obviously I want the "Snape is good" one. So, to show my support for Snape - I make this post and show my support. Cheers - to Severus Snape.

ME

So these are some pictures from after finals at the end of last week. They show my new haircut!!! The reason I havent really posted any pictures lately is because I thought my camera was broken. You see, it would not turn on and I tried charging the batteries and hitting the camera but nothing worked. Finally, as a last effort, I inserted some regular batteries and it turns on. Now, sometimes I have to give it a good whack (perhaps to knock something into place) to get it to turn on but it works and thats all that matters. All that being said, here are a few pictures!

ECCELSIA:

And here are a few pictures of Ecclesia. This is obviously before everyone arrived but this is the typical setup of our church. The study we're going right now is called "You asked for it!" and it addresses some hard questions that the congregation asked for. We've covered homosexuality and suffering.

"brief" updating

Hm, its been a while since I updated so here goes: No more nightmares. I decided to just take a long nap after school (2-3 hours) so that way I can stay up until 12 or 1 am at which point I can fall asleep fine without any nightmares. haha, I'm being the system! Uhm, as for college I’ve basically decided to go to NIU. Monmouth I think is just too small and too far - not really worth it because I cant imagine the experience being much more than high school. Im still waiting to hear back from IWU which used to be the school I wanted to go to but now I'm thinking its not for me. I'd be paying twice as much for that school and for what? The experience? Im sorry.. I cant bring myself to may an extra $17000 for an experience. Just not gonna happen. Hehe.

What else is new? My classes changed this week. Now I have Partners PE, AP English and Trig (same as before), Chemistry, and Senior Survey. Uhm, yeah all my teachers are female except my PE teacher.. Its not bad per say.. just...different. Haha. The homework so far in manageable but I attribute that to the fact that we're currently in-between novels in AP Lit so my workload isn’t too bad. With my free time I had made it a point to attend writing club and hang out with friends.

Friends, what friends? Well, last weekend I hung out with Theo. Anyone remember him? Lol, yeah I slept over at his house. And this Friday I am supposed to hang out with my friend Chrissie. AND sometime soon I am supposed to sleep over at my friend, Shefali's, house. So I've really been working on building my relationships and committing to being there for people - as well as allowing people to be there for me. In doing this I can say with confidence that I've made mistakes. Things that I'll undoubtedly regret in a few weeks, months, or years but nothing major! Lol.. that sounded really serious! heh.

Hm. Church. It is going good. I love Ecclesia and we've been meeting some pretty awesome people. Still, I feel at least a little disconnected because of my age (I'm 17 and the majority of the congregation is in the mid-twenties) but that’s a small thing and just a gap to be bridged. [bridged?] The small group is also going good. I still find it pretty awkward when we separate to pray together but I'm working on it and the group seems to haev awesome intentions.

One major thing that is taking place is the issues surrounding H2O Club. We want to hold a Praise Night at the end of the year, like last year, and we wanted to hold it in the Auditorium rather than holding it in the band room. We also wanted to fund-raise this year, put up posters so people could actually know the club existed, and just BE a club. We’ve had many meetings with our schools club advisor but each of us (us leaders) has been given a different story. Right now, its down to finding out if our school is federally funded because if we are they are breaking a lot of laws [particularly the Equal Access Act]. But many people I’ve talked to have said despite the commonly held belief that we’re a public school and therefore MUST be federally funded, we are not. I’ve been told that we turned down federal funding last year so as not to be required to start the GSA [Gay Straight Alliance]. 8-O. How they can get away with that...I don’t know...but that’s what the higher-ups have been saying. Recently, they took down our poster (we can only post one poster in the main hallway) and they deleted our clubs website from the school site… even though the link to the H2O Club website has been there for years just we decided to actually update the page and that’s when they deleted it. I don’t know what’s going on and evidently nobody does. Within the next few weeks, all 4 leaders and our club sponsor are going to meet with the club advisor and try to figure out what’s going on. Argh. I’m a bit perturbed. So that’s what’s going as far as H2O goes…

Any questions??? Haha.

Actually, on New Years Eve....

Okay, so first post of the year 07! Woot. True story. On New Years Eve I, along with Crystal and Erik, went downtown to watch the fireworks at Buckingham Fountain. It was real sweet. I complained a lot at first: "Aww, we shouldnt have come.. its too cold, its too windy. wah wah" but it ended up being real fun. So I didnt get home until 4:30 am and then I got up at like 12:30 to do homework which, consequently, hasnt even been checked yet for a grade. Oh well. Otherwise nothing fun has really happened. I've slept probably 10 hours since Monday night so I'm exhausted but I cant sleep. On Tuesday and Wednesday night I had the same nightmare (not fun) so lets just hope I dont have it AGAIN tonight. Welp, thats all.

New Years
Hey all. Happy new year. Thank God this year is over, right? Well, I didnt really do anything over my winter break. I go back to school on Tuesday and I have a crap load of homework to do tomorrow. Tonight I have no plans - we cant think of what we can do for New Years Eve so we are just going to sit at home; enthralling, huh? Well, I made a College Wishlist at Amazon.com of things I need/want for my dorm.

http://www.amazon.com/gp/registry/wishlist/2MSM3EF46LS5W/
If you go to the drop down menu that says 'date added' change it to the priority one because thats in order of what I need and then what I want. :-P

Anyway, thats all for now.

CORNERSTONE 2007!!!

underOATH
Relient K
Switchfoot
David Crowder Band
Flyleaf
Emery
Skillet
Pillar
Anberlin
The Almost
Disciple
The Chariot
Leeland
Family Force 5
The Wedding
Kids in the Way
House of Heroes
Nevertheless
The Crossing
Glenn Kaiser Band
Friday Mourning
Edison Glass
Future of Forestry
Dizmas
Lost Ocean
Crimson Moonlight
The Satire
Inevitable End
Mumsdollar
Deas Vail
Mark Lee Townsend
The Wiitala Brothers
Cool Hand Luke
The Myriad
El Death
Flatfoot 56
The Lost Dogs
The Violet Burning
Eric James & The New Century
The Last Hope
xDEATHSTARx
Seventh Star
Inked In Blood
War of Ages
xLOOKING FORWARDx
Alove For Enemies
Raised By Wolves
FBS
Our Corpse Destroyed
MeansSivan
Spitfire
The Handshake Murders
Maron
With Faith Or Flames
The Gospel is a Grenade
The Blue Letter
Roe vs. Pritzl
Michael Roe
Civilian
theHOPEsymphony
Michael Pritzl

5 months and 29 days until Cornerstone!!!
I CANT WAIT!!!

Ode to Winter Break

Well today is the first official day of winter break. I got up at 9:30 and now I dont know what to do. I plan to read the bible every day during the break (though I'm not entirely sure what I'm going to read) but I am set on doing it. Also I am going to be reading through "No Perfect People Allowed." We just did a study at Ecclesia called 'No Perfect People' and it was about how people in the bible weren't perfect and we shouldn't be trying to live up to this expectation of perfection that we or society has set for us. They got the idea from this book which is written by post-modernists so I'm going to read it for more information. I am also reading a book called "Uglies" which was recommended by Stephenie Meyer (she wrote 'Twilight" and "New Moon" and I LOVE those books). Uglies is about a place where people are made beautiful at the age of 16 but until then they are ugly. They even separate the uglies from the pretties by separate towns, so it's real interesting so far. As of yet it does not compare to "Twilight" which is about vampires but it's still been a good read so far. Actually, I'm just glad to be reading again because basically all the books I've read in the last many months have been for school.

So, I'm in love with this band called "Red Jumpsuit Apparatus." My friend, Chrissie, introduced me to them and I cant stop listening, they're addictive. This song called "Your Guardian Angel" is amazing because the song seems to coincide with "Twilight" Anyway, that's the soundtrack I've been listening most to lately. I'm sure all this useless information is enthralling.

So in small group we all made a covenant about something we wanted to work on. I said I wanted to work on being better at socializing and valuing my relationships with people because that is something I've never been good at and community is something the bible stresses as very important. We made the covenant over two months ago and I realized last week that I haven’t don’t much of anything to work at it. I noticed my lack of effort when I realized that the opposite has sort of happened - I've lost or found that many of my friendships are weakened. I don’t know why, for many different reasons I guess but it's still a fact. I don't hang out with people anymore and, I suppose, that's why I have time to actually read for pleasure. It’s been great to have some time but I also know that I need friends right now. I need people to talk to, especially right now as it's Hanukah and as Christmas approaches. It is really easy for me, and Crystal, to fall into depression and a friends accountability probably wouldn't hurt, but it's not there for me.

So, that’s really I have to say for now. Oh, and also that I got into Roosevelt University. And I got a 24 on my ACT – I wanted a 26 so I’m disappointed but whatev, it is what it is.

snow day

WOOH! We have a snow day! Its the first snow day in 12 years! (According to my friend)!!! I cant believe it! I got up and was ready to walk out the door when I checked one last time to see if we had school and we dont! THIS IS AMAZING! I dont know what to do with this time now.. Of course I have quite a bit of homework and I should do some bible reading BUT STILL, I have the whole day to catch up and get ahead on homework. And just relax. Incredible.

I wish there was a better word to describe this feeling.

GNOME diaries

http://www.lulu.com/eyelinedplane