Middle Earth. "The Land"

August 7, 2005
This morning we went to UBC and worshipped with David Crowder. It was really cool, I thought, because they left the lights off –for the most part- and it took away a bit of the self conscious attitude while worshipping. I loved the music, I loved the atmosphere, and the message was good but it felt a lot more like a youth group than a church to me. I think it was an awesome experience but I don’t think I could go there every week and feel satisfied. There has been some talk about that church today: “Did you like it?” “What do you think about them playing secular music in the background?” We talked a bit about this stuff at a coffee house called Common Ground. On a tangent, I will say that Common Ground is an awesome place and it is the typical coffee house – very artsy, very calm, very cool, laid back. I loved that place. But back to the day. After Common Ground, we drove out to “The Land” – or what is better known as “Middle Earth.” There was a house that we crowned “Sheelabs lair” and a field that I crowned the Shire. We basically gave everything a name. While there, the Judy’s brought over their ATV’s and allowed everyone to go four-wheeling (I chose not to). Then they gave everyone a chance to shoot off a gun (I chose not to again.) Later in the night we had a campfire and sang worship songs around it. That was probably my favorite part of the day. After that, Dan, Erik, Daniel, Jason, David, Paul, Charisse, Julia, Lindsey, Charity, and myself went out to a former graveyard on the Land and tried to dig up a grave. I actually didn’t dig but it was cool all the same. We only got about three feet down when we realized it was going to take way too long and we gave up.

So it begins

August 6, 2005
So I’m on my way to Texas right now. Yes, I decided to go. It has been a long, arduous journey in determining for me to stay or go. In the end, I assumed the regret of not going would outweigh the guilt of going [and there in leaving Dad to fend for himself for the week.] I still feel a little guilty and I am still questioning whether or not I made the right choice but I am so looking forward to spending time with the youth group and –hopefully- gaining out unity again that I think it will be okay. Not to mention that I am confident this trip will strengthen me in the faith department. I also know I need this trip before school starts – as school will be a challenge in itself this year. I need this trip to gain the unity in Ro0ts back, to give me confidence in my friendships again before entering the rocky friendships I have at school. As for right now though, I am just looking out the window at the clouds and trying to entertain myself as everyone else sleeps.

The Dark Forest: Number 5

Come quickly, my daughter, let’s hurry, now cease your chores
My daughter, grab the saddle, mount the horse
Oh father, my father what is going on
Oh father my father, wont you tell me what is wrong
Come quickly, my daughter, lets hurry, he’s gaining fast
My daughter, into the woods and don’t look back
Oh father, my fathers something gaining fast
Oh father my father a shadow reaches out and grab
Come with me, I have come for your blood
You can not resist me, you now belong to me
Come quickly, my daughter, lets hurry and don’t give up
His power grows stronger with the saddie
Father my father, He reaches for me
Father my father he has grabbed me
Come with me, I have come for your blood
You can not resist me, you now belong to me
You now belong to me

Father my father, he has pulled me off my horse
I am on my way to save, you
You are not match for me, I am stronger than you
Stronger is a father’s love, than any strength in your veins
Father my father, he is ready to work tough
Nananananana. I wouldn’t let you take my daughter
Prepare yourself to fight, you shall not feel my wrath
For my daughters life I am not afraid to fight
Father get up, Father, he has captured me
Come with me, [captured me] I have come for your blood [captured me]
You cannot resist me, you now belong to me
You now belong to me, you now belong to…

My Trip in a Nutshell

"Crossing The Line"
Somewhere tonight.
Inside of me.
A smile so distant... memory.
Covering up my face.
Landed on my knees.
So you can never see
The darkest part of me
[CHORUS:]Shutting my eyes,
I'm dying inside...
I've lost myself
A thousand times.
But i can remain
In spite of the pain.
I'll cross this line
Just one last time.
They are part of me;
These words that never heal.
They still remind me
That all of this is real.
Hiding from the world,
Lost in my disease.
So you can never see
The darkest side of me.
[CHORUS]
I can feel it...I can feel it......
Just for a second I want you to see
I hide myself from you
I hide myself from you
I feel so infected from these memories.
I hide myself from you.
I hide myself from you.
(from you, from you...)
[CHORUS]
Just one last time.
I'll cross this line
Just one last time.
Just one last time.
I'll cross this line
Just one last...Just one last time.

Texas Trip

There is a lot I can say about the Texas trip, but I’ve thought about how much I really want to let people know about my experiences, and I decided some things are better left unsaid. So sometime in the next few days, I will post about The Land [Middle Earth], and the Lake, and the Rodeo, and Trail Dust, and the Scavenger Hunt, and all that good stuff.

I am a BOHO Fanatic!

I read an article about Bohemian Fashion because I have been really getting into it lately and I thuoght it would be smart to find out where it came from. Thankfully, this guy already did the research for me and all I had to do was read the article. lol. But it's really cool. Only downside is that its apparantly getting popular, so its not that original anymore.. >_> Oh well.

"The boho look made its stylish debut on the back of Anita Pallenberg in the 60s. Often called the sixth member of the Rolling Stones, Pallenberg was known for her individual style that gave bohemian the funk it needed. Long before Pallenberg, the term “bohemian” came from the term La Bohème in France. It was used to describe the bands of gypsies that traveled through Bohemia — now the Czech Republic. “Bohemian” refers to a stereotypical way of life for artists and intellectuals. The lifestyle is rooted in the American “beat” movement of the 50s. Members of the movement, beatniks, rejected conventional middle-class values and embraced radical and exotic customs. “Bohemian” stands for a free-thinking, free-being philosophy that favors unconventional habits and clothing. In the past, bohemians often wore out-of-date, unfashionable clothing that defied mainstream fashion trends. This grew into a widespread embrace of haphazard mixes of colors and fabrics by many artists. Now, the boho look is a perfect balance of intentional messiness, artistic creativity and vintage chic."

That's life

Well, yesterday was the ultimate bum day of the century. I did not wake up until 4:00 PM because, well, when I did wake up I couldnt think of a reason to stay up so I kept going back to sleep. Then the entire day I lazed around the place and watched TV/Movies. On the plus side, I did get to watch "Runaway Jury" with John Cusack and "I.Q" with Meg Ryan. Both pretty good movies. I found myself like I.Q. a bit better because for one thing, I adore Meg Ryan (though I also love John Cusack so that factor singles itself out) but because the movie was about Meg Ryan being the neice of Albert Einstein it appealed to the funny and gave me a good laugh. I went to bed at 4:30 ish and woke up at 11:00 so I could go with my ma and my sister to help organize my ma's new place.

Everytime I go there I get an overwhelming urge to either decorate - because her place is so drab - and to get my own place! The concept of having my own life, and my own place is just fascinating [but I am sure that is mostly due to the circumstances we are going through now.] But today I just measured and cut some shelf liners for her cabinets while Crystal watched 'Funny Face' starring Audrey Hepburn. I realized our love for Audrey runs in the family; our Grandma Rose apparantly loved her, as did my mom, my sister, and as do I.

As for the rest of tonight, I intend to watch "Million Dollar Baby" and possibly some Lord of the Rings, read some of "Must Love Dogs" so I can finish it before the movie comes out, and maybe do some writing. Then, I will sleep ALL day tomorrow until about 4:00 or 5:00 where as I will get ready for bible study, go there, then come home and do something similar. Except Thursday I will get up a tad earlier to go to the Chicago Hang out day. And lastly today I did my weekly weigh-in on the cursed scale. I lost 3 lbs all together, but only one since last week. I think its a good steady pace, one or two a week, but not as fast as I would wish. lol. Oh well, 3 lbs is 3 lbs, and that's 3 less lbs I have to work off later. Woot.

A Call for Surgery, Prayer, and Forgiveness.

Well, this morning, right before church started, Crystal and I got a call from my dad saying he had to go into surgery TODAY. If you recall from a while back, they said, (specifically Dr. Kain said) that another surgery for him would be suicide. Well, now, if he doesn’t get one he WILL die, no doubt. It’s because of his hernias or something. So today they are performing the surgery. Dr. Kain is performing the surgery. My Dad is scared, obviously... And I am scared. The chances of him making it out are "50/50" they say. But those aren’t very good odds. Right now, I’m pretty upset.

>>>Edited Post: we got a call from my aunt and my Dad made it out of surgery alive. I guess he had a colon-octomy or whatever it's called. His colon was swollen so they had to do surgery on it.. I assume that means it was not for the hernias. Um, Dr. Kain said now is where things get tricky (as if the surgery wasnt tricky enough) Um, the worry he has now is my Dads body being able to heal. I wont talk to my Dad for the next few days though, because they have him sedated. But that's the update as of yet.

Unbelievable.

This guy, a sex offender from a while ago - in Boise, Idaho - kept a blog and they just recently found it and released it to the public. I was reading a little of what he wrote, out of curiosity, and I am shocked. It is crazy though. He sounds terminally depressed, and possibly demon posessed? I am actually fairly sure he was, at least in the end, demon posessed because he wrote: "God has shown me the right choice, but my demons have me tied to a spit and the fire has already been lit," . I think this guy needs a lot of prayer. But after I thought that, I was reading an article about his situation and they recently found a body that may be his. He may be dead... I was immediately overcome with a sense of grief, or something like it.. A weird feeling actually. This guy could be rotting in Hell right now. For all eternity. It just boggles my mind, I dont know what else to say. Anyway, here is the link:

http://fifthnail.blogspot.com/2005_04_01_fifthnail_archive.html

A Fools Paradise

The world is a fool’s paradise. Nothing is what it seems, just a fraud worth living for, a game worth playing to reach the end, or a movie worth watching for the ending credits. The world is a whore easily bought out for a cheap sin. It is Hells Alley. Satan’s playground. And Sin city.

It is a story only told on dark nights to children looking for an easy scare. There is no climax, just an ending to a long awaited theme that never arises. In worldly terms, there is no true happy ending to the story. Just lives worth talking about on dark nights.

For the world, life is meaningless – especially to those who think the world is all there is, who make the world into a hidden treasure that they think they stumbled onto in a field in a momentary strike of luck, or who believe there is no evil existing. For the world, life is a nightmare and everyone is just waiting to wake up – hopefully to a place called Paradise.

Paradise is a place that some can only dream of though, and most assuredly not wake up to. It is the epitome of what is right in the world and what is perfect outside of the world. Paradise is a place of bliss, felicity, and joy - all qualities lacking here on earth. It is a place worth dreaming about, because its definition is a place worth striving to get to. Heaven. It is a beautiful, spiritual, everlasting communion between the blessed dead and God.

One question remains in my head though. Why, if earth is so utterly lacking in even fractions of joy and perfection, would people choose to ignore the Paradise existing all around us to dance with demons in a sinful lust? Furthermore, if people can manage to find joy living on earth, in its grotesque manner of war and hate, why deprive their souls and hearts any longer to the hope and knowledge of there existing a real Paradise just over the horizon of our perception?

Well, today Dad went [is in the process of going right now] back to the hospital. His breathing has been weird since Wednesday afternoon. I have been telling him to go in since then, but he said it was fine. Finally, now that he is almost throwing up again, he is going in. Crystal is going to drive him. I knew this would happen, but it still stinks. Cant catch a break.

Besides that, Happy Fourth of July everyone! Cleo is barking like crazy! Its really annoying. And Crystal got back today, from the Cornerstone concert. She went with Dan and Josh. It sounds like she had fun. The funny thing is, when I ask her how each band was, it always turns out to be a band that wasnt there. For example, I'd say, "How was Seventh Day Slumber?" and she'd tell me they werent there. Them, alone with Sky Harbor, Insyderz, Ever Stays Red and other bands who I would much have loved to see.

Obvious prayer requests: Dads health, the youth groups bible reading at home, the youth groups unity, the churchs' unity and example of love, Tom Cruise, work to continue in Romania, the Czek team, Steve in the Philippines, Jackie in Ireland, the college students finances, my junior year of high school to be a good one for God, my crush to fade away, Gospel for Asia, Devon Street, Kids Club, Frankin Park Team, Chicago Team, etc. Just to name a few.

Things I love:

1. Bohemian Style clothing/decorating

2. Vintage Style clothing/decorating

3. Classic movies

>>>(a) Cool Hand Luke

>>>(b) Casablanca

>>>(c) Breakfast at Tiffanys

>>>(d) Original Psycho

>>>(e) Pillow Talk

>>>(f) Moulin Rouge

>>>(g) Lord of the Rings 1,2,3

>>>(h) Down with Love

>>>(i) Big Fish

>>>(j) Finding Neverland

>>>(k) Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind

>>>(l) The Green Mile

4. Minnie Cooper Car

5. Gold Jewelry

6. 1940's fashion

7. Hollywood concept

8. Classic Photography

9. Big Band music

10. The word Pseudo [i.e. psuedo intellectual]

Sparkling Diamonds

These movies, Moulin Rouge, You've Got Mail, Finding Neverland, Big Fish, and Serendipity, are some of the most enchanting movies I have ever seen. When I read quotes from them, or see pictures, I get butterflies in my stomach and for some reason something inside me gets really excited. I dont know why - I cant explain it, I dont even know what may be the cause of such a love-sick reaction to mere movies except that I love movies and I love getting caught up in the reality of something that would rarely, if ever, happen in the world we live in. I like to get caught up in the hope that for only a few hours, I can escape whatever horrible things may be going on in the world or in my life and join Christian is his endeavor to win the heart of the lovely Satine, or join Mr. Barrie in Neverland for a portion of my day. I can only imagine that Heaven will have some similarities to movies, only better. Heaven will be a place that I will have that constant love-sick, butterfly-in-my-stomach, giddy feeling but I think it will be perfect. The difference though, between such movies and Heaven is that Heaven will be flawless, everlasting, and pure. Such qualities that are extremely hard, if not impossible, to find in movies anymore. And so:

Christian: [voiceover and typing] Days turned into weeks, weeks turned into months. And then, one not-so-very special day, I went to my typewriter, I sat down, and I wrote our story. A story about a time, a story about a place, a story about the people. But above all things, a story about love. A love that will live forever. The End.

Kathleen Kelly: Once I read a story about a butterfly in the subway, and today, I saw one. It got on at 42nd, and off at 59th, where, I assume it was going to Bloomingdales to buy a hat that will turn out to be a mistake - as almost all hats are.

Will Bloom: In telling the story of my father's life, it's impossible to separate fact from fiction, the man from the myth. The best I can do is to tell it the way he told me. It doesn't always make sense and most of it never happened... but that's what kind of story this is.

J.M. Barrie: Just a dog? Porthos dreams of being a bear, and you want to shatter those dreams by saying he's just a dog? What a horrible candle-snuffing word. That's like saying, He can't climb that mountain, he's just a man, or That's not a diamond, it's just a rock. Just.

Dean: Yet even in certain defeat, the courageous Trager secretly clung to the belief that life is not merely a series of meaningless accidents or coincidences. Uh-uh. But rather it's a tapestry of events that culminate in an exquisite, sublime plan.

Movie Poster Mock up 

Ro0ts Youth