Dog food
I was feeding Cleo...just a little bit ago...and this one thing that Tobi loved was in it...small red and yellow things..and oh man, i started crying so bad..I had a memory..of this one time when everyone was trying to get Tobi to do paw, and it wouldnt work..so i took out a package of the red and yellow strips, and he did it for me..oh god..i want tobi.. ::tear::

Wow
I just got told that this kid doesnt like my poems..thats a first...thought i'd note it. -_____-

Paul-Luap-Pauile- Devilishly Handsome LOL
Today was kind of a weird day...not bad, not good...Um, I stayed home sick yesterday..got up, felt really horrible...pretty dizzy, and confused..head was pounding..things were 10x too loud.. (now things are only 5x too loud) but yeah. I had a fever and I couldnt go to school. So, I go to school today and things happened. The circle of Mike, Colin, Tracie, and Courtney got even more confusing..enough said. lol. And Tracie may have gotten Mr. Dowd in trouble, Im not even sure. Then, at lunch, Juana gave Paul a dollar to buy her a flower..it was funny...after that i went in the hall on sat on the floor alone for awhile. Then, Paul walked up to me with a handful of flowers and held them out and said "Would you like a rose Naomi?" and I was like "Aw, no thanks" ---(I have issues with taking things from people....I felt BAD!!!!because I was like..he payed for them, and then gives me one..and i had nothing to give him..blah, I dont know. I just feel bad taking things from people) so anyway, he was like "ouch, you crushed me" and then he offered my a candy cane..and I said, no thanks again...and he tossed it down to me, it was broken in half, so I threw it at this kid...and Paul was like "Man Naomi, you crushed my heart two times!" and he was just kidding..but blah.. (((BY THE WAY, when he offered the flower I thought he was joking...kinda teasing me or something! Im not used to people being nice, let alone...REALLY nice.)))) So anyway, then these girls were chasing him down the hall and begging him for a flower, and he kept saying no. So I felt really bad, and I still do..guilt is filling me up! -_-..I WANT TO SAY SORRY, but I dont know if he was serious... hmmm

Theos note
Lets make it simple
I got mad at you cuz u lied to tiff + lied to me- Also u ditched me at ur little church thing + that slam jam + me + Dapali rnt talking either. I was thinking me + other people noticed that you allways have to be right- no matter wut any 1 says if u dont like it you shoot there dreams down + burn it...u ruined my relasionship with tiff- see if me + u r ever friends again - I know more people that hate you than people that like u....why is that-
and most of all I am mas becus of how ur treating jen like sh*t - in fact I h8 it....leave her alone becuz it hurts her when she sees you- your like all "to to me jen" + then when she does u push her away- all u want it attention- u know wut?!
u need to grow up!
i swear...naomi...huh....you know I used to cherish out friendship but u ruined it ow im wicca again + im ot friends with u, your sister, tiff, juanita, dapali all the people at the table but- im still here + still friends with melodie
So I guess thats it...well write or call- think bout wut i said
bye love theo
______________________________________________________
So.. I read this to Crystal in the car as I was reading it, and she got mad...she cant believe he said that..stuff about slam jam and youth group..saying I ditched him. She was at youth group and says I didnt, and Tracie and Sarah were at slam jam and said I didnt...all the same, i tried to drop it..starting monday I was over it..for the first time in a month I had gotten past it..because I apologized a few times...and neither jen nor him would accept it. (even though I still dont get what I did...???) so, i was over it..i prayed alot about it, and I think God was telling me sometimes, you cant win them all, you know..I had this problem with people being mad at me..but now, its like..Ill try, but I cant make them try too..so, yeah. Im not going to call him, nor write back. I intend to show Juanita and Dapali and Tiff the note, because they are mentioned, but Im not going to make a scene and yell at him or anything. Im done with this...It frusterates me so bad..it kinda' makes me want to cry because to me he seems so ignorant and one sided, but i dont know how he thinks? what can i do?

So I says to myself I says
I talked to Eriks mom at church and online today. Shes so nice..and cool. I wish my mom was like that..Erik, if your reading this, tell your mom shes awesome! lol Doubt you are though..so all well that ends well.

Anyway, my christmas list is weird...I do want some things...Like Jovan perfume (Earth, Water, Fire, and Air, scent..) and the
Hilary Duff CD, and
FM Static Cd...and
"Must Love Dogs" by Claire Cook and...
other little things
But what I havent told anyone...is that I really want a video tape of Tobi..I know we had one once from a vacation...I think mom had the copy of it..anywho, I want that tape...so badly.... but Im scared to ask because then it leads into a talk about Tobi and Im not ready for that..
-_- I'll just keep praying about it...

SO, at church today, I mentioned to Jill that I've been a christian for 2 years about now...and she was shocked. she thought, like everyone else, that I was just copying Crystal..and stuff...so now I cleared that up with her..

Also, I talked to Darren.. (I think thats how he spells it) And we were talking about Adal and stuff....Darren is Jewish, and wants to talk to my Dad, but he also thinks it'd be cool to talk to Adal...have sushi with us is what Crystal and him want..lol, ack..sushi..I think Adal would get along with almost everyone...Erik because Adals going to Japan next year, and Erik loves Japan..and yeah. Adals great, so I think he'd fit in.

Oh well, anyone who reads this (which is probably nobody...) please keep Adal (a 16 year old boy) in prayer..and Theo (took him to youth group once and we are not fighting...), Emanuel (took him once), and Tracie...(shes a sophmore...) so, please just pray that they can either find God or that He can work with them in their lives, and that He will just help Tracie on her walk with Him, because shes kinda' straying..and help Adal, Eman, and Theo find Him..

Thanks....Bai Bai.

Forgive or forget?
So, today was odd...kinda'...First snow of the year. A bit depressing. On the way home from youth group, in Dorinnes car, I didnt talk..I just kinda stared out the window...looking at snow and thinking about Tobi...and then I started thinking about the way he layed on my legs on the couch...and how he sat on his butt with his front paws in the air....or when he rubbed his ears against our arms to make us pet him..and in a storm at night..in bed he'd scratch us or rub his nose against us hard..or just pull our blanket to wake us up and comfort him...I miss him so much... ::tear:: Anyway, nobody really noticed that I didnt talk...so, its okay. As for Erik H..well, things werent awkward...thank God.
Anyway..tonight at common ground (in youth group) we talked about forgetting our past...and if were supposed to..and all this stuff...well, alot of the time I was thinking about Theo, and its really got me upset..because I know in the bible it tells us to forgive people...no matter how many times they do it..just forgive them...and I am..because Theo is mad at me...and to me its not even true..but I guess to him he felt like I ditched him at Slam Jam that time...and thats why I apologized...and I did like..3 or 4 times..and he just wont accept it..he keeps throwing it in my face that I "ditched him" and then after I apologized..he writes me a note and says its my fault hes not christian and that I think the whole world revolves around me and that Im a liar and stuff..and I just cant believe that people are seriously that ignorant..Its just gotten me down, because I try as hard as I can to make ammends, and I just keep getting turned down..I hate it when people hate me...blah...

Not alone today
Today has been a good day so far. In 1st block, Paul showed me his poem that he had to write for english class..he read it to me as we walked out. ^_^ And at lunch, I hung out with Juanita (a girl I recently met) and Paul.. (they apparantly used to date)
Juana is really weird, but I like her, she's cool. We exchanged information today at lunch...I gave her the URL to my poetry site...and I read some of her poetry. It was really good. Lol, now she can read mine and pride herself on how much better she is. hehe. Hmm, what else?
I dont know, I apologized to Tracie..and Colin has the hearing with his parents today or tomorrow. I really hope he doesnt move! He's one of my ONLY friends...I want him to be happy, and in order for that I think he has to live with his Dad, but I'd miss him. :-( I hope things work out...
Um...yeah, I guess it was just a good day because I actually had someone to sit with and stuff at lunch...felt good. :-)
The only bad part was someone threw a cup at my head at lunch, and someone threw something else at me too..but besides that.. all good
Woop woop, Juana just IM'd me. lol, i feel so loved.. -_-

The Wizard of Oz is on...I miss Tobi...Everytime I look at Todo I get teary eyed. This stinks! All day today I was feeling okay...I was conent...now Im on the verge of crying...Flashbacks of Tobi are coming again...I miss him so much.
And today in church, Mom rushed me out...right after service ended, she came to me and asked if i was ready to go...I wanted to talk to Erik and Jill and stuff! I mean, I only see them once a week, and she wouldnt even let me talk! Its the only day of the week I get to talk to people...well, aside from youth group...and I didnt even get to this week!
Another thing weird is happening. Everyone is saying Erik H. likes me...Now, I personally think hes just being nice..kidding around. And I dont want to make a big deal out of it..but they do, and when the confront me about it, I feel like all I can do is go along with it, otherwise they'll think I like him too and that will just make things all weird...I dont know. I want to be Eriks friend...And it stinks because I only see him 1 or 2 days a week for a little while..and we never talk much! lol. I feel so stupid talking about a boy...but oh well.
I drew an orc today...I was thinking of giving it to Dan, since he LOVES Lord of the Rings...but now I think I'll keep it...I dont know, when I show it to him, if he asks for it, I'll give it to him, otherwise..meh.
Jackie talked to me about her and Dan at the birthday party for Julia...I felt privleged...she never talks to me...not for real anyway. But since Crystal wasnt there, she did. And Dan was nice to me at youth group. It was almost as if we were friends...
Thats all for now... :-( BYE
Someone...email me at xxcrimsoncryxx@cs.com
I need to talk...being anti-social is lonely..

Friendless
So, today was NOT the best day...I didn't talk to much of anyone. Tracie is mad at me..You see, she ended up getting an 85 on the project!!!!!!!! I got a 93 and Adal got a 92! Im happy with my scrore, but Tracie did NOTHING, I did all her work and she still passed!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Ahh! That makes me mad. So, I said I was mad that she got a B, with reason, obviously....and shes like "fine, if your so mad I wont talk to you.." and I was like "fine, dont" and Adal goes to her and says "no tracie, i love you, talk to me!" lol. But yeah, so at this point I guess me and Tracie arent talking...And at lunch, this kid Paul from my Freshman Foundations class came and sat by me and said hi. Me and him were sitting against the lockers, and Cammy and a few other kids were standing infront of us. After I said hi to Paul...a few minutes later I stood and walked away because I hate it when people kinda' crowd around me...drives me nuts. (because at lunch people stand right infont of me and step on me like im not there...so, yeah) anyway, i feel horrible because I think Paul thought I didnt want to talk to him or something! AH! The thing is, I KIND OF...like Paul. I think its just the intial shock of him actually talking to me though. So, its nothing big AT ALL. He seem cool, though I dont know him..so if he doesnt like me, well, no harm done. heh. Anyway, today was also bad because Im starting to get jealous...jealous of all the people with phony friends...only because atleast for the time being, they have friends. I mean, I have friends, yeah. Linda, Megan, Peter, Adal, Colin..but I dont see Megan and Linda ever, Adal, well, I cant talk to him...were school friends, basically only talk when we have to work together...Peter, well, we dont talk much at all, too awkward always..and Colin, as I said, I cant talk to him, Im not comfortable....and I dont want to lay any more burdens on him than he already has to deal with. Plus, the only one of those people in my lunch is Colin...and he has a huge group of friends he hangs out with..so in which case, this leaves me alone. People think I like to be alone...but I dont. I dont like to be crowded around by people, like i cant move..but I love talking to people! If people actually took the time to get to know me and didnt abandon me the second I do or say something they dont like, maybe they would know this about me!!!!!!!! I seriously wish people would just....be my friend...

Where do I go from here?
Alot has changed since I last updated. It's been awhile...but I haven't felt like updating at all lately. I only am today because I have nobody to talk to and I need to state what Im thinking...whether anyone sees it or not, I dont know.. :-( Theo hates me, and Jen does too I think. I tried to talk to Jen a few times, but she always brushes me off...and Theo, well, everytime I pass him he scowls or makes some face. I told Tiffany, and when she noticed, she got mad at him and told him she didnt like it when people treated her friends like that. He blew up at her, and now I feel bad because basically I ruined their friendship. As for Tracie, well, me, her and Adal were supposed to do a project on WW2. Me and Adal invited her into our griup because we love her and we felt bad that she didn't have a group...so, after alot of begging to Mr. Dowd, she was in our group. The only down side was that we had to do soem extra work, since we had more members in our group than everyone else....Anyway, Tracie didnt do any work at all. I got stuck doing all her work the night before it was due. Adal and I were mad at her and debating whether or not to tell, but she could tell how upset we were, so she told Mr. Dowd herself. Things pretty much worked out. Lets see, my other friends..Colin...yeah, he's still my friend, but I dont think I can talk to him. Im not really comfortable around him, Im not sure why. Adal is my friend..I think. There wouldnt be a doubt in my head about that if it werent for a few days ago when he was sitting beside me in the hall at lunch, and someone put a pop top on my head. This girl Dena told me he was pointing at my head...like telling her to look, and she told me it was there...she thinks he put it there. I dont think hes the type of kid to do something like that, he seems so sincere when he says Im his friend, but as Ive said before, I have major trust issues. Peter....Ive been talking to him for a few minutes at lunch. Its really awkward, we dont have much to say. I bet within a few days, we'll stop talking again...I dont want to, but those awkward silences are deadly.
Aside from friends, I can feel myself going away from God.I dont want to, and I'm trying to pray about it, but Im not feeling anything anymore. Me and Dad were tearing up in the car yesterday on the way to the library to meet Adal...we missed Tobi. I can usually hold it in until Im alone, but not yesterday. -_- I really miss him...
It sucks, nobody even knows...like, i dont know, I literally feel empty....but its a lonely feeling to. Those are just words, and cant express in the slightest what Im feeling, but I dont know what else to say. im scared to sleep again, because Ive been having dreams about him again....and when I wake up it really hurts...I walked into Hobby Lobby to get something, and looked around and wanted to cry....I saw picture frames and Tobi kept coming to my mind...I cant stop thinking about him! I CANT CONCENTRATE! IM LOSING ALL MY FRIENDS AND THERES NOTHING I CAN DO ANYMORE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

On the verge of tears
Oh man. Well, as I said before, Theo was mad at me. But today, he wrote me a note and said stuff like the whole world doesnt revolve around me and that Im mean, and that he beleives in his God and I can believe in mine and a whole bunch of horrible stuff like that. I was so shocked, because he has been bugging me to preach to him and keep trying to bring him closer to God, because if I didnt, he wouldnt ever get there. So, I'd bring it up sometimes, but when I did, he wouldnt want to talk about it.....so I'd bring it up less...you know. Anyway, he told Jennifer that he cast his first spell in a long time this weekend...and just, stuff. So at lunch, I was ready to cry. I had just gotten the note a half hour previous, and it was fresh in my head...Colin was hugging me, and so was Melody and Jennifer...but that made want to cry more.. :-\ Anyway, I ended up holding it all in throughout the school day. But after school I took a walk with Cleo and tears started to come out...I dont know, its just all too much right now. Im still broken about Tobi. And recently Mom doesnt want to pick us up from school, and Ive just been praying that Mom could kinda' be like all the other moms, always hoping for their kid to talk to them..Im sick of hoping to have a normal conversation with her, without fighting...and Dad isnt the same. I mean, hes Dad, but now I cant give attitude, and things are so different that they used to be because Im always scared that I'll say something mean, and he'll die soon after...Just a scary thought. Anyway, Crystal jumped on my back today, saying maybe by talking to people about God im pushing them away from Him. And that is ALOT to lay on me...its like, Im turning people away from God, causing Him all that pain when they deny him...
Ive been listening to KJ-52 lately. My favorite song of his in recent times is "Dear Slim part 2" Lyrics:
La la la la la la la yo yo yo yo yo
La la la la la la la la yo yo
Dear Slim Part Two yo yo

Dear Slim I wrote you but you ain’t calling
Its been a couple years now since I wrote that song and
A lot has changed now for you and I
I have no clue now that I’d write a song for you and it would change some lives
Kids with tears in their eyes they now come up to me
Showing love to me and telling me that they look up to me
The effects to me well it’s really kinda strange see I only want to share with you Jesus’s love for me

There’s a whole nother’ side of things now I’ve come to see
It’s a huge influence you’ve got upon this industry
But enough of me because it’s not what I came to say to you
Not a day goes by while I take time to pray for you
I’m sorry now for what your mom and dad they did to you
But I can relate with you because you see dude I’ve been there too
I know there’s a lot of pain and hurt now that you’ve been through
But never forget there’s a real love God gave to you

Chorus
La la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la
To whom it may concern
La la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la
Still to whom it may concern
La la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la
To whom it may concern
La la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la
It’s still to whom it may concern

Dear Slim I wrote you but you still aint calling
Backstage at the VMA’s someone gave you my song and
I’m kinda wondering what you thought man
When that guy walked up to you and talked to you and put it in your hands
Maybe you never listened to it or maybe you lost it or maybe you heard it and
You just got mad and then you tossed it
Did he get you back that’s the question that I’ll always get
And I’m like for God forbid that you might even have liked it
I don’t know congratulations on your movie yo
And I heard your last record well over ten million sold
But there’s one thing that’s really got me thinking bro
Does a Grammy mean anything and if its just gotta cost your soul
In case you didn’t know there’s a love that will never go away
You said your going to hell but it don’t have to be that way
See the bottom line of what I’m trying to say is
God puts back together the broken pieces that’s been thrown away
And even everyone ya know ya stuff that goes away
He’ll still love ya til the very day that your old and gray
Too bad a lot of Christians all they do is hate on you instead of droppin to their knees
And takin’ time to pray for you
And it’s obvious that you really love your daughter dude and for that I gotta tell you well
I really got respect for you
So here it is, Dear Slim Chapter Part Two
Another cat just trying to make it just like you

Chorus

Dear Slim did you hear the junk that I’m going through
Kids sending me hate mail and telling me how I’m biting you
Telling me how there gonna beat me up and just kill me too
But a lot of people they just seem to get my song confused
See what I say to you I know I might even sound funny but I never came at
You just to paint you as the enemy
It wasn’t about hatin’ you or startin’ some controversy
It wasn’t about blamin’ you or trying to make some money (no)
I don’t claim to know everything that you’ve experienced
Man I don’t know if you even be hearin’ this
But I said it once and I still hold to this
Is that a life without Christ is still a life that is never fixed
I tell you this even if it is a hard pill to swallow
Like it or not Slim you will always be a role model
Do you know these kids, we’re the one’s they always follow
What we say and how we live gives them a better tomorrow
I had my share of sorrow plus man I’ve been rejected
I’ve been chewed up, spit out and cussed, disrespected
But if I die today and I never sell another record
Jesus gave me more than I ever coulda been expected
I know life is hectic it could leave ya blown away
But check it bro because we all just gon’ die some day
And on that note well there’s only just one thing to say
There’s still one love and one God and only one way!

Chorus x2

Theos mad at me..why?
Goodness me!! I had a bad day.....I didnt try to. But it ended up that way....
As it happened, I woke up feeling cruddy...My leg muscles hurt so bad from the lunges in gym yesterday. But I didnt let that get me down. Then, it all went down after 3rd block. Mr Anderson wont change our seats, after promising me..and its making me mad...he acted shocked when Vanessa mensioned to him that Im christian! He totally judged me.. :-( And then, at lunch, I wasnt talking much, I was thinking...and Theo kept saying stuff. He said I always over react...and he said "not everyone wants to talk about what you want when you want to.." and just stuff like that. And he kept calling Colin the Kricken....so, it was making me kinda' mad. I wasnt talking to him. He like, apparantly got mad...because after that, we didnt talk the rest of the day in the hall...and when I went up to him and Tiffany at the end of the day, I said hey, and he looks at me, then turns to Tiff and says "I gotta' go.." and walks away! That has not happened to me for like, 5 years or more! But, yeah. Just a bad day.
There were some good things though...
Mr. Dowd assigned us to make 2 political cartoons...one for WW1 and one for School. After he said "oh, Naomis gonna' go all out for this one"!!! lol. The whole class looked at me, and I was like...right. So then this kid asked me for an idea...hehe. I have so many. That was funny. But....um, that was about it... Oh, and Jen said my note to her really touched her..she felt like crying, so that was cool. Theo said my note made him cry, but I guess it didnt get to him that much.
::sigh;:
I miss Tobi. (I was crying so hard last night)

VANESSA
this girl, shes my friend, Vanessa. We've been friends since 5th grade..and I found out today shes christian, and shes...totally saved!!!!!! She has been longer than me I think, its so cool though! Like, so many times I thought I should talk to her about God, because, shes my friend and I wanted her to feel how great I was, but then, I just never felt it was necessary...you know?! And now I know why!!!! ITS SO COOL! She probably thinks Im nuts for being so excited...but it just really helps me right now, to know that there are other christians who are strong in their faith..and they are totally there. :-) WOOH HOOH! And I have to call Theo in 5 minutes, to talk to him about God. :-) Im kinda nervous, I hope it goes well. So, Im going to call....eek.

This first time hurts
I woke up this morning, after a dream about Tobi. I remember...in the dream, I was sorting through all my pictures of Tobi, and then, at the end of the dream, there was a picture of me sitting on the couch, and like..Tobi wasnt there. It hard to explain. In reality (when the picture was taken) he was supposed to be in the picture... but when I got it developed, he wasnt there. --All in the dream mind you-- But anyway, I woke up and i couldnt breathe...so I sat up, and then got out of bed..and I started crying so bad...Dad wasnt home, and Crystal was sleeping, so nobody knows..but I was crying like the day it all happened...it hurt so bad...Its crazy though..I feel like Im a little "girl who cried wolf" because I used to talk about being depressed and Id occasionally mention that I was hurting..But I wasnt...not nearly as much as I am now..I dont know.
My new favorite show is Everwood....why? becasue I can identify with the character Amy so much..like that episode about change, and where she was swimming and drowning but nobody would help her. Thats how Im feeling. And when she has hallusinations, I feel like someone in the world feels like I do..even though its just a show. I mean, none of friends or family can see or feel what I am feeling...so, I guess some dumb character on TV is the closest I can get.
Oh well. aunt Linda came over. I hadnt seen her much. I stayed away as much as I could. Because the last time I saw her, I had Tobi...and I cried a few nights ago during that storm, because the last storm was the day before Tobi died...And also, I cried when Crystal rented the Sims playstation because every other time we got a new sims, Tobi would sit with us and watch.... I miss him so bad.
I almost wish I was numb..Id give up happiness to ease the pain right now. It sounds crazy.
And, I had a poem idea but Im not ready to write it out...its going to be a poem about "first times" and how we experience them everyday...but never ecognize them until something is gone..how we move through life so fast that we cant appreciate something until its the last time.

Who's shoulder can I cry on?
"Ill be your crying shoulder
Ill be a love of suicide
Ill be better when Im older
Ill be the greatest friend of your life"
This song is on right now. I love this song. Who sings it?!
Anyway, I wrote Jennifer a note, and i finally told someone whats wrong...I didnt tell her exactly what I think about, but I simply said I think about Tobi. What I didnt tell her was that the image of him dying haunts me in my sleep, and when I shut my eyes, or think a little too hard...Almost constantly, its in my head. And the reason I didnt want to go swimming was because I feel like im drowning, in real life...struggling to reach the surface..and having to actually swim in gym was...crazy. I like to run alot better..why? because im always running away from the thoughts in my head..I feel like screaming. So when I run in gym, it kinda' feels like IM getting away..hah, problem is..im running in a circle and keep ending up at the same spot I started at. Oh well. I didnt give her that detail..But, if she reads my journal, she'll know.
Im kinda sad too! Theo is moving in a few weeks. Its just going to be me and Jen again..how lonely? right?! Kinda like, we got a taste of not being alone, and then it just gets taken away...Ive been praying that God wont let me slip back into my old ways..always thinking about cutting myself to sease the pain inside for seconds on end. It sounds crazy to those who dont feel as I do, so anyone who reads this I can only hope will not judge.
Oh well. lets see. Concert on Friday...Im excited! I love the noice...it drowns out all thought processing! :-)

"Will you, will you be here, tomorrow? So will you, you remember, yesterday!"