Tuesday, August 31, 2004

Up in flames
Okay. Well. Yesterday before bible study we burned some wicca books and secular CD's. It felt good, kinda like closing that chapter of my life. I mean, a part of my was having a hard time getting rid of "Gorrilaz" "LFO" "Sum 41".. but I know it'll be for the best. Watching the Charmed books burn was kinda cool. I liked to watch the covers burn. The Cirlce of Three books were a bit harder to watch. They were well written and had interesting plots.. Ive wanted to re-read them for a long time, but I kept telling myself I couldnt. Now I cant. Also burned the Quija Board and some trading cards. It was hilarious watching that freaky quija board burn. It heated between the cardboard and the paper and started to implode. Hehe, squeaked a bit. Really cool. Well, yeah. Now Ive gotta burn the Dean Koontz, "T*Witches" and "Sweep" books, the charmed board games, rest of my trading cards, brake the charmed mug, and finish getting rid of some CD's. Then I'll be good for the most part. Besides the horribly sick movies Dad wont let us trash.. I wont even mention names. Well, on that note sort of...Dad asked me for some money today. I asked what for and he told me for groceries.. I knew he was lying because he paused a second to think of some things to say. I knew he was going to buy cigs. Well, later when I asked for 2 quarters to do my laundry, he was like "Oh, so its okay for me to give you money but you cant loan me a little until Friday. Thats really selfish of you" And Im just like Oh P-L-ease!I need 50 cents for laundry so I have clothes to wear to school.. he wants $10.00 to buy cigaretts that will kill us all.. Hm, same thing he says. I dont think so. Whatever. I just said hes the parent and hes supposed to supply money for laundry.. he had nothing to say to that. Goodness.. I kinda wanna' move in with Ma like I said before but I dont even know if Id like it there. Plus she works nights, and would have to stop paying child support which has to be done through court. So if I were to act on my thoughts, Id have to be serious about it. I gotta figure things out first. Dont really know what to do right now. Just been praying over it and hopefully the Lord will show me His will in my home life soon. Definately gonna' need guidance on this one.

Monday, August 30, 2004

Family Trouble [ Focus on the Lord ]

Before I start, I need to remember to "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and do not lean on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him and He shall direct your paths" -Proverbs 3:5-6
Oh man. Things are getting..really nuts. Okay, school is fine. Church is great. Everything is fine until I come home. Dad is working at this..bar and grill like I mentioned before. Crystal has got work at Jewel and school and shes just, stressing out to the maximum and talking about skipping bible study, among all the other things she can drop to have time. HELLO? God is above her art career.. God will provide for her if she'd just go to Him with it. Then theres Dad. "Oh yeah, Im christian. Stupid *** **** driver! What the **** is wrong with you?!" Like seriously, GROW UP! Im so sick of trying so hard and getting no where. I have been trying soo hard to stop with sarcasm. But when Dad calls me stinking ugly (i.e. look in the mirror! -sarcasm- or saying we need to dress more like girls because our clothes are ugly) Gee, thats real encouraging. Plus, he should be thanking God were not dressing like hoochie momma's. But no..he wants us to be more wordly. Wont stop smoking, wont stop swearing, wont stop watching dirty crap on TV. How can I blind myself from sin when I live with it? I dont know, but lately Ive really been considering the thought of possibly moving out. Sounds real set-in-stone huh? Nah. Ma has mensioned it before, but I have a dog and she has two cats. We could work it out and a part of me really wants to move in with her because we get alone now, shes christian, she has rules, and she doesnt live a life of sin. Problem. She works over night. There are legal issues. Nobody would ever allow it. So what do I do? Im going to pray really hard. Like right now, after bible study...I was so in a good mood. I was fine all day, really up lifted, etc. Then I get home, Dads sittin' here smoking with his waitress friend Helina and telling me to "stop b******' at him about swearing and smoking". Nice.. Wooh, Im so burdened down right now about my Dad, like I cant even take it anymore. And I didnt even say whats going on with Crystal.. Her attitude. Cranky-ness. Snappy-ness. GR! Okay, okay. Im done writing about this. Whatever. Pray about it please, people. Its greatly appreciated. Also, about sarcasm.. "A soft answer turns away wrath but a harsh word stirs up anger" Proverbs 15:1

Thursday, August 26, 2004

Sophomore

Well, I started school on the 25th. The first day was..well, a bit weird for me. I wasn't really nervous, that wasn't it. But I spent all summer with my cousins and the people at my church and now Im just thrown into school with all these people who dont know the Lord. I thought I was ready, and I still think It'll be fine but it was all still a bit overwhelming. Like, seeing all the people from last year that I forgot about over the summer and really realizing how intimidating it would be if the whole class started mocking me about the Lord. When Im at home, like now, I feel like I could handle it fine, but when Im sitting in class it really a completely different atmosphere. I know the tone will soften as weeks go by and I get more comfortable with the new people though. Anyway, Photography 1 in first block was cool so far. The 2007 (sophomores. ME) have been having problems getting situated in the BRAND new computer for the photo lab. They are so nice, so fast, and completely BRAND new. Were the first to use them which is pretty cool. Hopefully they'll get all the glitches out of the system so we can really get working. Tomorrow were supposed to have our first photoshoot. Hope I dont get camera shy. Hehe. My 2nd class, Art/ Drawing was okay. I sit by this very outgoing, loud girl named Nicole. Shes really nice though. We were talking a bit, getting to know eachother by her request, ^_^ , and I mentioned that I had gone to NYC with my youth group this past summer. Nicole told me she was in a youth group with her church (starts with Calvary I think but she didnt exactly tell me the name of her church). Her church just finished redecorating and she said the youth area rocks. That sounds really cool, I cant wait until our youth room gets decorated. It will rock even more! Woop woop. lol. She also said she went on a mission trip somewhere in illinois, but couldnt remember where. ::shrug:: Its cool though. I mean, she swears a lot but..maybe she just doesnt know why its wrong? I dont know but shes nice. Lunch, well, I got attacked by a group of people I knew last year. Well, I actually only knew 3 of the 4, but the fourth Id seen around. Anyway, then 4 of my other friends came and sat with me as two of the girls got up, so we ran out of room at the table and me and Tiff left. Peter said hi to me. Juana. Tiff. Mel. Jared. Kim B. Greg. Alyssa. Vicki. Saloni. Jimmy. Sara. ::shrug:: Lots more hellos but I cant remember. Lol. It was cool though. Um, 3rd block.. DUN DUN DUNNNNN! Special Study Hall in room 56. Eek, it was so boring the first day, even when he gave us a chance to talk. Today was a bit more interesting. I finished my bible study and finished Isaiah FINALLY. Then this girl came in an hour late, her cell went off and she denied it (er. I guess it was hers, dont really know for sure) and then she walked out of the room after being told she couldnt and went to the bathroom. Yeeh, it was interesting though, to listen to while staring down at my bible trying not to...listen in? Hah, even though the whole class heard, oh well. Fourth block geometry.. My teacher talks to us like babies. But shes really nice, and so far the class is really easy. Ah well, the days go by long but things are going fine. Im really crabby at home though, dont know why. Haha. Dad is trying to get a job at.. uhhh. OH, Bungalo Joes..the bar. He'd work..Saturday, Sunday mornings.. SUNDAY MORNINGS. Missing church. Dude, and Crystal supports it. Gr, whatever. Jesses keeps calling at like.. 2am but I just hang up the phone.. Its like, dude.. its 2am! Dont call. Oh well, I could care less at this point.. he only calls when he has something to brag about or some sin he has to get off his chest. Umm .OH OH! Me and Crystal have a new administrator this year. Last year ours was really mean and..just.. rude. But now there is this lady and shes so nice. When I was walking up to the school she saw my hoodie and was lik "oh my gosh, I love that!" So we talked to her today on the way in and she said she is a christian, so things seem to be really good with that. I have to find out about H20 (name will be changed when I get to it) club for christians. I want to build it up.. Pray about it please.. I have a strong desire about this, I may write more about it later but, until something starts happening.. Just pray for the Lord to open the doors in school. I am for all you guys, Erik, Eric, Ryan, Dan, Julia, Julia.. (yes, college too.. ^_^ ) So, anyway. Talked to mom.. gonna' go home with her tuesday, maybe see a movie. Im going for.. Baby Geniuses 2 or Princess Diaries 2. We'll see what were all in the mood for. Anyway, I have to go finish reading "Star Girl" and look over my math homework. God bless.

Saturday, August 21, 2004

Baby Ethan

Okay. Well, a lot has kind of been going on lately. Me and Theo got into this argument kind of. You can read his journal at http://holylight.blogspot.com if you want to hear his side of it. But basically, I got really sick of..::sigh:: ill just say events that were reacurring. I was dealing with some greif in my life (Tobi mostly) and the frusteration he gave me blew up. I told him how I really felt, he wrote how he felt and that was it. Most of the week I just let myself get caught up in so much frusteration. Like, just thinking about the situation would get me so mad I wanted to cry because I could get rid of that feeling. Finally, yeterday I just got down before God and told Him that I could not handle this alone. Id been trying to all week and it was so obviously not working. So through a lot of prayer and bible reading I just got back to this point where I realize theres no reason to make myself get like that. I talked to Theo and cleared the air. When I think about everything, still there is a little bit in me that gets frusterated but thankfully now I catch it and just pray about it before I let it get hold of the rest of my day. The weirdest thing though, and the biggest reason I decided to even make a post about this, is that the discussion in Roots danced around this entire thing. I mean, exactly what Ive been going through; letting the frusteration get to you and not seeking the Lord.. Then finally going to Him and being okay. It was like.. ::shakes head:: so crazy. Jill realized it because she knew the situation and Crystal realized it. We were all just like.. woah. I was laughing so hard (inside) during the whole study because it was like God was telling me every single thing that Id been through. Like, oh man. It was nuts. At this point I feel a bit spiritually exhausted. And I hurt, so I took 2 vykadin (sp?) and Im about to go to sleep, or atleast try.
On a side note, I met baby Ethan two times! Heidi and Jason came to Roots and I saw them at the BBall game. I missed them a lot. Also, we might be having mini missions in Chicago during the winter. Were praying about it but I hope things work out. Crystal got 3 jobs.. Panera Bread, Big Straw, and Jewel.. She chose Jewel and is trying to get me the Big Straw job. We'll see. well, Like I said, I hurt so Im heading out.

Tuesday, August 17, 2004

The New York Team in a Candy Store




Sunday, August 15, 2004

Evangalism 101
Last night I was up until 2:30 am chatting with this guy I met a long time ago in a chatroom I think. We didnt talk for a really long time and even when we did we barely, if ever, had a real conversation. Well, lately he started IM'ing me and I just figured he was bored but it turned out he had something he wanted to talk about and it came out last night. Apparantly his friend got him into practicing chi. (I think thats a middle eastern/asian practice when you draw energy from things.) He sent me to a site to get a better understanding of what it was and when I got there, it was soo dark. Talking about being vampires and just, totally pagan. There was actually a link about using darkness to fight child abuse..? Doesnt make sense to me, but oh well. We talked from 12:00 until 2:30, just about religion and all this stuff. I asked him a lot of questions, and he answered in honesty Im pretty sure. The coolest thing was when he said he had this empty feeling inside. This is how that part of the conversation went:
Him: as the site says, there are awakening periods. I might not be a vampire, I might be-- I dont know. What I do know is that I have a taste for energy because even now I feel the lack there off. When I center, or feed from a person..I feel a tingling feeling..but it feels good...feels right. When my "hunger"..its a tingling..but it feels empty..
Him: I know its dangerous, hence why I am careful..VERY careful, until I fully understand.
Me: Yeah..I know exactly about the hunger feeling.. wanting to fill it.. and it always being there..
Me: But, I found something that filled it completely.. and im always 100% satisfied.. its amazing really
Him: ok..soo..what is it you found?
Me: Oh..well, this is going to sound so stupid to you and you will probably roll your eyes. But, I found God.. It took me 14 years.. and the three last ones were... nuts.. I was cutting myself.. just, doing some pretty crazy things. But, by the end of all the pain I found God and he brought me up out of it all.
Him: I dont think its stupid at all. Some people find that is what the need, others require more.
Me: More? How do you mean?
Him: like--they might have god in there life, but they might still feel empty. So many things fit to ones needs. I know it sounds greedy, but in truth, humans in general are greedy
So, it went on from there but I just thought it was so interesing. Im not sure if I said anything that really, popped.. Nothing that could shoe him Christs love. I felt like I was a babbling fool, but maybe God brought him to me to plant seeds? I dont know, but when I was searching that site man, it was so tempting. Like, little thoughts were in my head just being like "ooh, vampires.. draw energy.. ooh, fun" and it took me so much to just ignore it and pray. I thought it was so crazy how satan was trying to get at me so obviously and the thoughts were still there. I know I dont want to be involved in that stuff and its crazy how satan plants things in us that poke us right where were potentially weak. Thankfully, I have God on my side and He can fight it off for me, and He did. Well, that was cool. But besides that, I got up at about 8:30 (I actually got to sleep at 3:30 am) so I was pretty tired. Church was good, Tony taught again. After church Crystal, Ryan, and me hung out at Eriks house before the street evangelism. Sonja and I teamed up and got in a conversation with this girl, Katie. Her life was just so hard. We talked to her for about 2 hours..the whole time we were there. A part of me was just thinking like.. is this really productive? I mean, I brought up God a few times and she told us a bit about what she knew but she didnt seem too interested in talking about it. She said she wants to know who Jesus is, and she said she believes in him. Said she saw the Passion movie and was totally torn apart, but I think a part of her is just holding back. Maybe in fear, or I dont know what. But she finally had to leave and the rest of the group was waiting for us so yeah. Right before Sonja and I started praying for her she ran up and asked for our numbers. We gave them to her and she just told us how much fun she had talking to us, and that we were really her friends. It was cool because right when I started to think that she wasnt the one we were supposed to be talking to the whole time, God just told me He has us do what He wants us to, and He will do His will with anyone we talk to. So, maybe we need to plant more seeds.. maybe she just needed someone to listen to her, show her that people do care. Maybe she'll contact us, maybe not. Just pray for her anyone, she has a rough life and needs the Lord in it. Anyway, Im exausted so Im out. Write later.

Saturday, August 14, 2004

Sophomore
So, again Im getting pestered to update more. It seems like that is how the last few posts have started. All the same, nothing too much is new. On Sunday after church we will be going to this carnival for families in North Lake as another street evangalism. Im excited, I loved the last one. Ma' wont be able to do it because she works Saturday and Sunday nights now but she is going to Monday proverbs study. Her days off switched to Monday and Tuesday which is good in a way because she can live more normally. Though, now at church its hard for her to stay awake and listening, let alone being able to make it. Hopefully she will be awake enough to come this week. Youth group is tonight; were holding it at the church building because Heidi and Jason are taking care of baby Ethan. I dont think they will be leading youth group for awhile. But Im kinda glad were going back to the church for youth group, hopefully that will last a while because it's easier to tell people where we meet if we are in an actual building, so thats good. Um, mom called me at 2:00 pm today. I was still in bed because I didnt even go to sleep until 6:30 am (I was watching Secondhand lions, which was really good. I loved it.) Anyway, we were talking a bit. Im going to her house Tuesday because she has another meeting with her landlord and she doesnt like to be alone with him, so ill be going over again.


First Semester
1A Photography 1&2-TLB-123

1B Photography 1&2 TLB 123
2A Art Drawing Print -C2S -130

2B Art Drawing Print -C2S -130
3A Special Study Hall-GPA-056

3B Special Study Hall-GPA-056
4A PL/ Solide Geom. - KJN-226

4B PL/ Solide Geom. - KJN-226

Second Semester
1A Photography 1&2-TLB-123

1B Photography 1&2 TLB 123
2A Art Drawing Print -C2S -130

2B Art Drawing Print -C2S -130
3A Journal Writing 1-DLC-046

3B Jounral Writing 1-DLC-046
4A PL/ Solide Geom. - KJN-226

4B PL/ Solide Geom. - KJN-226

Third Semester
1A Earth Science- BTS- 237

1B Earth Science-BTC- 237
2A PE 2 - S L - GYM

2B PE 2 - S L - GYM
3A E208 English 2-R2C-258

3B E208 English 2-R2C-258
4A Seminar - DLY - CAFE

4B Seminar - DLY - CAFE

Fourth Semester

1A Earth Science- BTS- 237

1B Earth Science-BTC- 237
2A PE 2 - S L - GYM

2B PE 2 - S L - GYM
3A E208 English 2-R2C-258

3B E208 English 2-R2C-258
4A Cons. Education-FWB-043

4B Cons. Education-FWB-043

So yeah.. people email me at
xxcrimsoncryxx@cs.com if you have something with me.. otherwise just enjoy the 5 minutes I put into typing it up. Welp, gotta get ready for youth group so Im out.

Wednesday, August 11, 2004

Snyders Honey Mustard & Onion Pretzel Bites
It has been a few days since I last updated so here goes. I read my last post and I realized how personal it was. I dont know why I wrote that and I was actually about to delete the entire post but I decided that just isn't right. So whatever, I'll let people make of it what they will. ::Sigh:: On a better note I finished painting the living room green. It's very bright. The first day was fun, jamming to classical music and all. Day two was not as fun but still okay. It was all good until I got to the ceiling, at which point I wanted to cry. My muscles hurt so bad and it was like the paint wasnt going on. I would roll the paint on, but barely anything showed up, so it was very frusterating. Personally, I like it. The only flaws I see are that the ceiling is blotchy (which looks somewhat cool) and the edges are lighter. But it's all good because its done, bright, and fun. "Amelie" meets "Pride and Prejudice." But anyway. I went out with my mom today; we went to K-Mart where I got Snyder pretzels and two posters. One is for "The Butterfly Effect" and one is a cross with a verse from Luke on it. So that was pretty cool. Then we went to "Barnes and Noble" and she bought me a book called "The Threshhold" by Bill Myers. The guy at the register said it was a good book so I'm looking forward to reading it. I actually wanted to get "The Arena" which I heard a lot about (it was being compared to "The Last Guardian" which I love much. ) So now I am back at home. I hung up my posters and now I am just waiting for 6:30 to come when we will leave for youth group. I think after youth group were all going out to IHOP with some of the youth. That could be fun because this time Dad gave us each $10.00, but I am not about to spend my money on food! Eck, no thanks. It will be good though. Speaking of (sort of) I realized the thing I struggle with a lot, the thing that stumbles me. Not music like so many people, and not movies. Books. Yes, those things with like a million sheets of paper stacked up and binded together. That is what stumles me. Those ancient things people used to small fonts in and fill the pages with long words. You see, when I read I like to really get into the book and try and relate to the character. I think I like to pretend I am the main character and imagine Im going through everything they are. (Thats what everyone does, right?) Well, the problem with that is some of the books I read have the main characters as psycho murderers. (I.E. Books by Dean Koontz) It stinks because he is a good writer and all his books are so out there crazy, its intriguing. I have about 1 of his books and about 5 of them I have yet to read. I really want to, but I know the last time I was reading his books I got in a dark mood more often. Im not sure if the books are to blame but I figure it didnt help pull me out of the pit. Then there is my "Circle of Three" series. It was interesting and I want to re-read them but I know it cant help me in my walk with God so why bother I guess. Charmed is kind of out of the picture for the most part. Sometimes I'll see the new merchandise, like the new action figures and the new game and new books that I really want to buy but then I remember I dont like Charmed. I think after 5 years of being obsessed it's a bit harder to get over than I thought. The show is interesting and easy to watch. I dont feel like it stumbles me, reading the books or watching the show, but like so many people keep telling me, if it doesnt draw me closer to God its not something I should be doing. I really dont know, I guess Im just in a slump. Besides that...I am doing alright. I have to catch up in the bible reading and my proverbs study though. Okay, lastly there is just school. I want to lose a few pounds before it starts, hopefully 10 lbs is realistic enough. Not really to pick up a guy, like I said before that not what Im looking into anymore, but just, to be confident I guess. To fit into clothes better, be healthy, blah blah. lol. For the first half of the year I have to work out hard anyway to stay in shape for gym in the second half of the year. Guh, apparantly there is more on my mind than I thought there was when I began this post. Just one more thing to say and then I will shut up. Today in the car on the way to K-Mart, mom started talking about this movie she rented and how it reminded her of Tobi. -_- When will people get that I dont want to talk about it?! Its been almost an exact year since it happened -August 27th.. :-( - She was bringing up some old stories about him and I just had to tell her to be quiet. She followed in saying "yeah.. he really was just your dog.. you guys were close. He was like your best friend, huh?" I dont know why she got into that, but I just ignored it and changed the subject. Ive been thinking about him a lot lately but I didnt think anyone else was. Im about to say another personal thing and Im already debating whether or not to say it! lol. I have issues. Okay, I guess I was just going to say that the main and real reason Ive been so down, letting things get to me so easily is because Ive been thinking about him so much lately. I miss him. A lot. But oh well. Im done writing when the tears come. lol. Until next time.

Saturday, August 07, 2004

Delivery for Heidi
Well, I havent updated in "a long time" according to an un named commenter (THEO! lol) So Im updating. Lets see. Hes here now, and him and Crystal are watching some show on Cartoon Network. Futurama I think? No idea. Okay, updates. I think the biggest thing that happened was Tuesday night. Me and Crystal went out to see "The Terminal." I felt soo sick but I was not about to let that stop me from seeing the movie Id been waiting to see for a long time, like a month I'd estimate. The movie rocked and I was in a pretty good mood when it let out. We were heading toward the door when we saw outside the window that it was raining, hard. Thunder roarded, lightening struck, it was all very annoying. We were stuck. Crystal checked her cell phone and saw that the Rods had called so she called back only to find out that Heidi went into labor, a month early. We just started praying, almost crying. We were freaking out actually. But everything turned out fine. Heidi had to have a c section thingie, but baby Ethan is fine and yeah, thank the Lord for that. Besides that, I have just been writing a lot I guess; working on my book entitled "Rock Beats Scissors" Im not going to give any details about it away just yet, but soon enough. Well, on a more personal level, things have gone good. In the last post I think I was saying that Id been struggling with not dating and just wanting a boyfriend. Well, that feeling really didnt go away, in fact it just kept getting worse. I was getting a little down in the dumps, but the good news will come. Praise Report. I saw Theo, and all the struggles hes been having with dating and just getting himself in messes with the girl he loves. Ive seen the stress he gets under and the frusteration he can feel dealing with it all. Ive also noticed what a distraction it is for him. Then my friend Sara who just got her heart broken from this guy she'd known for about 2 years or a little more. Then I talked to Jesse last night (First time in about 2 or 3 weeks) and he has a girlfriend. Shes having some eating problems and shes kinda, obsessively in love with him it seems. Or no, wrong words. She just is moving too fast; not to mention she doesnt know the Lord. So I suppose the point Im trying to make is that I am cheating on the one I love. All these thoughts of wanting a boyfriend and just not being content in everything I have has been completely foolish. I have obviously not been trusting in the Lord 100% otherwise I wouldnt gotten myself into all this. But yes, I am fine now. I have the guy I need and want and I couldnt as for more; really, Hes absolutely perfect; I love Him with all my heart. Okay, if anyone is confused, Im talking about Jesus. He is my boyfriend. Lol. It sounds weird to a lot of people Im sure, but Ive heard speakers talk about making God your spouse. And, I must admit it makes me feel a lot better. I feel like Im finally just trusting in the Lord with all my heart. Though, things arent peachy yet. The problem is, I dont feel anymore! lol. Well, its weird and kind of hard to explain. Just like, people complain, or whine, or just say silly things about being discontent (myself included) and it gets me so frusterated, or almost even worse, I dont care. If someone is discontent I am so fast to brush it off and tell them "to just let it go and deal with it" I dont think Ive been giving good advise and I need to take a day and just focus on the Lord, hear what He is telling me and really listen. I need to. I need to... But, do I want to? Hah, Im lazy. I always make an excuse. Pray for me, anyone who reads this, if you can. Just that God will give me strength to turn to Him in all situations and not rely on my own understanding. Also just that I'll hear what He is telling me and I'll trust in Him that He knows best, as I know He does. Well, anyway. Right now Im talking to Peter, hes having me listen to this band called "Wilco" Im about to read some of their lyrics, you know, see what theyre all about. But they seem pretty cool on my first take of them. Speaking of music, theres this rapper named Kanye (sp?) West. He sings this song called Jesus Walks. Everyone is all "wooh!" about it and the song sounds awesome, but I read the lyrics and there are some swears. I dont know, is that okay? It says in the bible to not allow the tongue to be vile. Same with that rapper Denum; some of his lyrics rock but he swears sometimes. Is it okay? Well, Im off to read some lyrics. Later.